Dreams of Love
by samsolace
Summary: MerDer. Continuing eps of last half of season 3. Happy, romantic, supportive, loving, functional MerDer face her ugly past and broken family, current angsty problems, vicious attackers, life, together.
1. Meredith's Papà Guiseppe

**If you haven't read anything else I've written you can start here and be fine. If you have read Acts of Love, this follows as the next chapter after the last. My version of season 3 is very pro-merek romance, love, lust, sex, hugging, and yes, pet names. **

**This new episode in season 3 is Meredith-centric. Meredith's teen years in Europe comes up in this story just as she is also trying to deal with Susan and Molly arriving at Grace for the birth of Molly's baby. **

Dreams of Love

Chapter 1: Meredith's Papà Guiseppe

Meredith trailed behind the other interns as they moved from patient to patient during rounds. Something was wrong but she couldn't put her finger on exactly what. She was uneasy... unsettled... disturbed, without knowing why. Her dark and twisty side was looking around cautiously.

She thought it over again, trying to locate the source of her disquiet. She'd just finished her period so it wasn't that. Derek was back in her life. He was sweeter to her than she'd ever even dreamed a man could be. So, it wasn't that. Izzie was working through her probation and re indoctrination, if not patiently, at least resignedly. George was dating Callie so he was occupied. Alex was Alex. Ellis was Ellis. And Cristina... Cristina. Cristina wasn't right.

She was even more angry and impatient and stand-offish than she usually was. Cristina had been acting very strangely for several weeks. Meredith had thought her friend would feel happier when Burke returned to work, but she wasn't. She had rejected every attempt Meredith had made to discuss Cristina's problem. Cristina, usually a sounding board for Meredith, her best friend, refused to listen to anything Mer had to say about the finale with Derek's mom and sisters. She was short and abrupt with Meredith. All Mer could do was promise to be there when the gathering storm finally broke over Cristina's head. She knew if she waited, Cristina would eventually have to tell her what was wrong. So, no, that wasn't it.

There was something else. Something new. Something different. Hmm. A dark foreboding filled Meredith's heart. She couldn't help remembering Dylan, the bomb, and pink mist. The last time she had felt like this, three men had lost their lives saving hers. Her stomach clenched and rolled horribly at the thought.

"Grey!" Meredith jumped out of her skin at Bailey's preemptory tone, and came to rigid attention, "Where are you? Wake up and keep up! I don't have time for lallygagging interns. Not today. The Chief has VIPs touring the hospital today."

She turned and hustled down the hall. The five interns hurriedly chasing after her glanced at each other with disbelieving expressions. When did Bailey ever make time for lallygagging interns?

"Psst," Cristina hissed at Meredith, "Stop mooning over McDreamy. Pay attention! I can't afford to piss off Bailey any more than she is already."

"I wasn't..." Meredith tried, but Cristina had surged ahead putting George between them. Meredith sighed, lonely and worried for her best friend. She could only hope Cristina would come around soon.

They headed down the main long staircase, reversed direction at the landing and continued down the stairs. Bailey stopped four steps up from the bottom with the interns stacked up behind her. Grey was last, still ten steps up. They were a flock of blue and white birds landed for the moment. Their passage was blocked in front of Bailey by a group of attendings, including Burke, Shepherd, Sloan and Montgomery.

Dr. Shepherd looked up past the other interns to catch Meredith's eye. He slowly lowered a sexy long-lashed lid in a suggestive wink over one sparkling blue eye. Meredith, caught by surprise, shyly blushed a little and looked down. Derek was so gorgeous. His body was whipcord lean with heavy muscles across his upper arms, chest and back. His black curls were cut fairly short on the sides this week, but his hair grew so fast it would be curling over his collar by next week. Similarly, his smooth shaven face would have a dark, sexy stubble by noon. Meredith loved everything about Derek so much he made her insides quake.

When she coyly looked at him through her lashes, he shook his head and flashed her a grin that was a clear reminder of the deeply satisfying, wildly exuberant lovemaking they'd shared just hours ago. Meredith had awakened him with sweet kisses across his chest and they'd played kiss for kiss from there. Now she was shy? His little wildcat was such a contradiction. She tried to suppress her smile at his antics but couldn't. She gave him her cute grin in return and delicately lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. The Chief drew Shepherd's attention back to the guests.

The other senior doctors completely ignored the interns in favor of focusing on the large group of VIP visitors walking down the gleaming corridor towards them, all dressed in formal suits with visitor IDs clipped to their breast pockets. Chief Webber was expounding enthusiastically to his guests as he led them towards the ranking surgeons of his program. Bailey couldn't move forward, stopped by the protocol of the moment. She signaled the interns to wait. They all watched the unfolding drama curiously.

Meredith leaned against the handrail looking down on the scene. Derek was speaking with Burke not far from Sloan. Good, maybe Burke would drop a hint about Cristina. Next to them, too close, Meredith caught sight of Addison's red head as she laughed, completely charmed by a Dutch specialist.

Meredith's stomach did a back flip of unease. The temporary relief that flirting with Derek had given her was gone. Addison always spelled trouble for her, like an old fashioned Jonah. Maybe it was her again. She'd set off a metaphorical bomb in a body cavity before, more than once.

_Stop it Mer! Dr. Montgomery is a perfectly perfect person who saves babies..._

Meredith's thoughts faltered as her eyes automatically went over all the visitors being introduced to the attendings. First among them in prominence was a tall, distinguished looking man in his mid fifties. He gestured broadly as he spoke with an Italian accent. He wore a beautifully cut Italian designer suit, complimented by a gorgeous silk tie and Italian hand made shoes. Meredith's stomach pitched and rolled. She knew him. She'd lived with him off and on for four years.

"_Papà?_" Meredith cried. Dr. Stevens looked over her shoulder at Dr. Grey.

"What did you say, Meredith?" Izzie asked.

"_Quello è il mio papà, il mio patrigno, papà Giuseppe_." Meredith spoke distractedly in Italian, more to herself than to Izzie, never taking her eyes from the gentleman below. Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she tried to make sense of his presence, "My papa, I never thought I'd see him again."

"Your what? Meredith, that can't be your dad. What are you talking about?" Izzie looked back and forth between Meredith and the doctors below, "Meredith, are you alright?"

Meredith brushed past Izzie, drawn toward her papa, like a moth to a flame. At that moment, Dr. Guiseppe Giordano, the finest cardiothoracic surgeon in Europe, looked up, his eye attracted to Meredith's movement. His head whipped in a fast double take. His warm brandy colored eyes widened as instant recognition filled them and he forgot whatever he was saying to the doctors surrounding him. He stepped forward, his face incredulous.

"Meredith?_ È voi? Il mio dio, che cosa state facendo qui?_" Dr. Giordano lost his words and just stared at the miracle of Meredith walking towards him. He couldn't believe she was there.

_Meredith? Giordano knows Meredith?_

Derek, along with everyone else in the two groups of prominent surgeons, followed Giordano's eye line up the stairs to spot Meredith slowly descending. She stared at Giordano like a supplicant who'd finally found the holy grail. Her face was awestruck and hesitant, scared and thrilled. Tears filled her luminous eyes and sparkled on her lashes. Derek caught his breath at the sight. He'd never seen Meredith look quite this way before. He looked back at Giordano. The man's face was marked with grief and joy in equal measure mixed with painful memories. His eyes spoke of his love for the only daughter he'd ever known.

As she passed him Derek brushed her arm with gentle fingertips and murmured, "Meredith, are you okay?"

She paused to look up into her boyfriend's face and smiled poignantly. She was heartbreakingly lovely, "Derek," she said softly. "May I introduce_ il conteggio del san Giovanni,_ the count of Saint John, the greatest surgeon in Europe, my stepfather, Dr. Guiseppe Giordano."

Derek looked back and forth between them stunned at this new revelation of Meredith's history. Meredith had a stepfather? Why wasn't he in her life? What in the world had happened to drive a second father from her side? He was a cardiothoracic surgeon?

Cristina, just behind Bailey, had pushed forward as much as she dared, to eavesdrop. She now inhaled sharply as she realized that Meredith was related to yet _another_ branch of surgical royalty. She shook her head and snorted. Envy, admiration, and impatience roiled in her gut.

Cristina lost her abstraction enough to mouth grumpily to George behind Bailey's back, "Italian, Mer is speaking Italian. Did we know she spoke Italian or what?"

George shrugged, completely nonplussed. Izzie said around Alex's solid form, "She called him, papa. That means dad, right? George, you've seen her dad. Is that him?"

"No, that's not Thatcher Grey. I've never seen that man before and she's certainly never mentioned him." George stared down at the strange tableau below.

Dr. Bailey astutely watched Grey cling to Shepherd's arm while she stretched a longing hand out to the distinguished Italian physician. Bailey sharply watched every detail of everyone's expression, including the astonished discomfort on Webber's face and the stab of pained jealousy on Montgomery's. Sloan stood with narrowed, speculative eyes as he watched Dr. Giordano take Grey's hand in his. He was quick to grasp the extended political importance and power of Dr. Grey.

"Papà Guiseppe, this is Dr. Derek Shepherd, head of neurosurgery, a great surgeon like you," she said to the man she hadn't laid eyes on in twelve years. Her voice broke when she introduced the most important man in her life to the man who had once held that role. "Papà, what are you doing here?"

Guiseppe took Meredith's hand in his and stepped forward. He remembered the day he'd first laid eyes on the sad twelve year old stepping off a plane into a foreign country and a foreign life. He supposed she was scared, but she covered it with attitude. She'd been warehoused in a private boarding school outside Washington D.C. for the last two years. Ellis hadn't even mentioned her until after she and Giordano were married. He'd insisted immediately that his new daughter, Meredith, be brought over to live with her parents in a lovely_palazzio_ in _Roma_. He had promptly fallen in love with the child of his heart.

His heart and face overflowed with emotion as he kissed his lost little girl on both cheeks and then swept her into his arms. Unashamed tears ran down his own weathered cheeks. They spoke in rapid fire Italian, smiling and gesturing broadly. He shook Derek's hand firmly, greeting him, and then turned to his companions.

"_Aggiusta questo è bambina del Dott. Ellis Grey, il Dott. Meredith Grey. La mia figliastra. Sta diventando un chirurgo anche. Sono così fiero,_" Dr. Giordano ignored all the powerful, important attendings in front of him to proudly introduce Dr. Ellis Grey's little girl, as his stepdaughter, surgical intern, to all of his friends, the best surgeons in Europe.

Meredith was swept into the midst of the group of Europeans and welcomed warmly. Many had known her mother from her stint in the World Health Organization for the United Nations. Mer was questioned in three different languages about her mother's work, books, techniques, health and well being. Meredith replied, easily switching from one language to the next, having spent many years living in Europe.

The attendings watched with bemused fascination. What in the world was going on? Burke and Webber, Montgomery and Sloan, all raised eyebrows at Shepherd for an explanation. He felt himself flush slightly at his own ignorance about the woman he loved. Meredith had never once mentioned an Italian man she called her father. Giordano was even now throwing an arm over Meredith's shoulders and urging her away from the large group so he could talk with her in private.

Meredith shook her head, explaining in English that she was on rounds, working, she couldn't possibly leave. The Chief finally stepped forward and cocked his head inquiringly.

"Chief Webber, this is Dr. Giordano, my mother's second husband. She married him when I was twelve."

"Oh, yes?" the Chief said in a perplexed voice. It was news to him that Ellis had ever married again. He was experiencing a surprising pang over his heart. He carefully didn't look at it very closely, "Well, welcome to Seattle Grace, doctor. Ellis is a good friend of mine. Shall we continue the tour? Dr. Bailey can make Dr. Grey available after rounds for a private visit with you, right Dr. Bailey?"

"Of course, sir." Dr. Bailey nodded to the Chief and signaled her group forward now that the tour and the attendings were moving on down the corridor.

Guiseppe kissed Meredith warmly one more time on both cheeks, finding it difficult to leave her again. Meredith promised to page him when she was through with rounds, her face young and sad. He brushed her cheek with the back of his hand and turned and hurried after the tour. Meredith hugged her arms around her body, shivering in an almost shocky reaction to the sudden upsurge of the long buried past.

"Meredith, are you okay?" George asked.

"Yeah, I'm good." She kept looking after Giordano as she rubbed her hands up and down her upper arms.

"C'mon Mer, the Nazi is already peeved at the delay," Alex said as he pushed past, linking his arm with hers and hauling her down the hall. George linked her other elbow and rushed her along on his side. Between George and Alex, Meredith had no choice but to catch up to Dr. Bailey, Stevens and Yang on rounds.

She shivered again. Meredith's gut couldn't figure out how it felt. She loved her Papà Guiseppe, but what good would come of digging up the past? Her sense of unease doubled, then tripled. Her dark and twisty side was on full alert.

**Please review. Thank you.**


	2. What's Wrong?

Dreams of Love

Chapter 2: What's Wrong?

"Cristina, what is wrong? Maybe if you tell me, I could help. Maybe if you tell me, we'd be able to work something out together," Meredith almost pleaded with Cristina at the nurses station after rounds. Bailey had just cut up stiff with Cristina over Burke insisting she be his intern for his surgeries again today, and had stalked off in high dudgeon. Cristina sat pouring over her books trying to prepare for the day.

"Meredith, no. Just no. There's nothing wrong and I don't need your help. I wish you and the doublemint twins would leave me alone. Can't you take a hint?" Cristina said, both irritated and exasperated. She turned her back on Meredith and focused fiercely on the complex surgeries she'd have to assist with today.

Meredith looked at the back of her friend's curly, black head of hair and sighed. She didn't know what she'd done to make Cristina mad at her. She couldn't make it right if she didn't know. She thought back over everything they'd talked about in the previous weeks. Maybe she'd leaned on Cristina too heavily through the mishaps with Derek's family. Maybe Cristina wanted help from her and she had missed her cue and now Cristina didn't trust Mer would be there for her. Maybe Cristina just didn't know how to ask for help. Maybe Cristina thought Meredith wouldn't be on her side.

"Cristina, I'm on your side, no matter what. I'll make time for you whenever you say. I'm sorry for whatever I've done to hurt you or make you mad," Meredith said softly to the back of Cristina's head, "If I've been spending too much time with Derek and not enough with you..."

"Meredith! Stop it! I told you to leave me alone! Not everything is about you! Just go play pretend family and drop it," Cristina slammed her books closed. She gathered everything up and huffing impatiently left Meredith standing forlornly by the nurses' west auxiliary desk.

Meredith felt lost somehow. While she waited for Dr. Giordano, her estranged stepfather, her friends were all working on fabulous cases. Mer knew how to work. She still didn't know how to be in a family.

Cristina had three heart surgeries with Burke. George, Izzie and Alex all had a very rare case of separation of conjoined adult twins with Shepherd, Sloane, Webber and their teams of over twenty five surgeons. They'd been leading up to this surgery for months with presurgery procedures, counseling, planning, meetings, tests, etc. They'd even scheduled it to coincide with the huge international conference of surgeons here in Seattle to showcase the hospital's surgical teams. Webber, always the political animal, had opened the gallery to the visiting dignitaries. Her friends would run the final tests in the next few days and the twins would be separated when the tests came back favorably. The entire three phase surgery could last over twenty six hours total.

"Meredith, have you seen George?" Callie Torres called out, breaking into Mer's thoughts, as she hustled up to the nurses' station in a tremendous hurry.

"He's in 2207 with the conjoined twin team. What's wrong?" Callie's scowl was deeper than usual and her jerky movements betrayed her agitation.

"I just came from the Pit. His dad has just been admitted. He broke his collar bone and arm after passing out and falling. Not good. We're going to have to run tests to find out what's wrong, and Meredith, I don't have a good feeling about this, not at all," Callie quickly replaced three charts and made notes on two more.

Meredith's stomach chilled, "Callie, I don't either. I haven't felt right all day. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Poor George. I hope his dad's going to be okay."

"Me too. I'm going to go get him now, then. See you later." As Callie raced off, Meredith was once again left in a foggy forlorn cloud. She felt abandoned somehow, like she wasn't keeping up. Where was Papà Guiseppe?

Meredith had spent many long hours waiting for Guiseppe and Ellis, at the hospital, at school and at home. The familiar mounting uncertainty drew her back to those days in Rome, some of the best and the worst days of her life.

She'd stepped awkwardly off the plane in Rome, knowing that she was an unwelcome prepubescent encumbrance and outsider. With a precocious twelve year old's defiance, she had dyed her hair black with white tips, creamed her face white and had heavily colored her eyes and lips with black liner. She painted her nails black and wore silver rings on every finger including her thumbs. Silver also adorned her ears and toes. Even her throat was tightly banded by a thick silver chain and medallion. She hadn't quite dared to pierce her nostril. She'd ditched her school uniform in favor of ragged black pants, T-shirt and a scruffy black leather jacket before the plane even left Reagan International. Even though she was dressed very big city dark it was country singer Bonnie Raitt's song, "I Can't Make You Love Me", that stayed with her through puberty. In her innocence she applied the song to all her own relationships instead of the song's suggested love relationship. She gave up trying to get anyone to love her and became unbearably obnoxious overnight.

Meredith had wanted someone to love, and someone to love her for as long as she could remember. She hadn't had that since long before she had been sent to her first Boston boarding school when she was six. It wasn't a bad place, just a lonely one. Other kids came and went, but she stayed even through the holidays, that first year. Her mother's housekeeper, Mrs. Flannery, had visited every other week to check on her progress. Her mother had laid out a strict academic regimen and the little girl worked at it eight to ten hours a day. Fortunately reading opened up worlds for Meredith that helped her to survive. She was also a people pleaser in those first years, trying to get attention, so most adults tolerated her.

"Meredith, _piccola_, I hope I have not kept you waiting long," Guiseppe spoke in a warm baritone voice, "Please, may I buy you a cup of the so delicious Seattle coffee?"

Meredith looked up, shaken out of her reverie. Guiseppe's beautiful smile graced her, just as it had when she arrived in Rome so many years ago. Guiseppe had taken one look at the little girl and had seen right through her make-up and costume to the terrified, unloved waif underneath. He had opened his arms to her claiming her instantly as his daughter, "_Bambina_, I am so glad you are here." She had cherished those words for years.

Meredith linked her arm with Guiseppe's and they slowly walked together to the dining mall. They bought specialty coffees and two pastries and settled at a table to visit, freely mixing English and Italian. Above them, looking over the second floor balcony railing, Shepherd talked quietly to Bailey, while carefully watching his girl's transparent little face.

"Miranda, I don't like this. What do we know about this man? If he was so close to Meredith, how come she's never mentioned him to me, not once? Not even when we were in Napa together, visiting some Italian friends of mine. Sure, she spoke Italian, but I thought it was a shoolgirl thing. I didn't realize she'd learned Italian in Italy!"

"Derek, you and Meredith just got back together. You can't possibly know her whole history. Besides, did you see the Chief's face? He didn't know Ellis Grey had ever remarried either. Apparently, the marriage lasted for several years while Dr. Grey worked for the WHO," Dr. Bailey said, "If you are that worried for Meredith, why don't you go join them?"

"Do you think I could? I don't want Meredith to think..." Derek paused, searching for words.

"She's head over heels for you, although I can't see why," Miranda said dryly. He tilted his head, smiling wryly at her, "Of course you can join them, she'll know you're interfering, but she's still in that stage of love insanity where she'll forgive you anything. Take advantage of it now, before she regains her senses."

"Funny. No one ever said you had a sense of humor, Miranda. But I think I _will_ join them since I've already completed my part of the prelims on the twins." Derek grinned at her self-deprecatingly.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd, good idea, sir," Miranda Bailey nodded sagely.

Shepherd bent way low and kissed her on the cheek, "Thanks Bailey."

"You better go on, now! You have enough female strings on your bow. Don't be trying to add me." Bailey mock growled.

Shepherd grinned at her again and headed down the stairs to the dining mall and his girlfriend and her father – another father. Good grief, for a girl with no family, she surely had a lot of surprise family. Maybe just this once family could be a good thing for Mer.

_Please, just this once,_ Derek asked the universe.

**Short chapter today. I had trouble concentrating. I'm going to upload it as is instead of waiting for more length. Thank you everyone who reviewed. Makes me so happy. Wish fanfiction were giving me my emails. Maybe next week. I live in optimism. Please review. samantha**


	3. Surprises

**Thank you for commenting, everyone.**

Dreams of Love

Chapter 3: Surprises

"Hi," Derek leaned down and kissed Meredith on her softly parted pink lips. Then he nodded to Dr. Giordano.

"Hi yourself," Meredith said, "What are you doing down here? Aren't you working with the twins today?"

"I am," he smiled at her, "I also have time for you. May I join you?"

"Of course," Giordano said firmly, "You are Meredith's boyfriend, yes? You wonder who this strange man might be and what his purpose is? That is good. Good you protect my _bambina_."

"_Papà_, no..." Meredith, alarmed, looked back and forth between them.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am feeling concern for Meredith since you have apparently not been in each other's lives for years," Dr. Shepherd said bluntly. He leaned back in his chair and linked his fingers through Meredith's reassuringly.

"Derek, you don't understand," Meredith explained, " _Papà_ Guiseppe was my dad from when I was twelve to fifteen, and then off and on when I was sixteen. He gave me a real home, extended family, education, travel, art, even horses. He loved me, Derek. He still does."

"It wasn't my choice to separate from Meredith when her mother and I divorced. I wished to continue seeing her and supporting her as my daughter. But, Ellis... Ellis wouldn't..." Giordano looked into Meredith's eyes searching for words that wouldn't unduly hurt the lovely young woman Meredith had become.

"Mom severed all ties with everyone in Italy after the divorce. It was as if our lives there had never happened. She left the WHO and moved on to Mayo. She demanded I do the same. When I refused she punished me." Meredith looked down hiding her eyes and the awful memories they held.

Giordano covered the hand she had curled on the table with his, "Ellis took legal action against me and my family when Meredith kept running away from her and back to us. She had great political power at that time. She took severe punitive action against Meredith and other weaker members of my family, not just me. My family was already scandalized that I would marry a divorced woman. They didn't consider the marriage real from the start. The whole family deemed it wiser to give in to Ellis, than to continue a fight I could not possibly win as I was merely the divorced husband and not the real father of the child. It broke my heart, but I gave in and refused to see Meredith again, for her own sake. I don't know if you know, but Ellis could be very cruel to her. I wouldn't allow Meredith entry to the estate, but had her driven immediately back to her boarding school in Switzerland repeatedly, until she stopped coming. She finally gave up on us as we had given up on her," his voice deepened with sadness.

Derek held Meredith's hand and gently stroked her arm as inner trembling started during Giordano's speech. Her face was turned away from him, so he couldn't see her expression. He just felt the trembling and the nervous tension in her body. This was very hard for Mer.

"All these years I kept my distance from my little girl as the courts of two countries and her mother and my family ordered me to do. It is the biggest regret in my life that I have not been there for you, Meredith, over the past twelve years."

Meredith lifted her head at that and looked into her papa's brandy colored eyes. Tears streaked her face as she said simply, "It has been lonely, _Papà_."

Derek's heart cracked for her. She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand, surreptitiously glancing around to make sure no one had seen her unprofessional demeanor. She drew a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down.

"You are here with me now, _Papà_, we can..." Meredith's pager beeped shrilly. She was needed in the Pit. "I have to go. We'll get together later, okay? I have all your numbers and your hotel information. This is my card with my pager number and my cell. It is so good to see you again. I have to go." Meredith kissed the back of Derek's hand still held in hers and sprang away running for the emergency in the Pit. Shepherd and Giordano were left looking at each other over the round tabletop in the bright light of the dining mall.

Shepherd watched Giordano with narrowed assessing eyes, "That wasn't the whole story, was it? I'm not a vulnerable young woman blinded by memories of love for you. Meredith has been hurt enough. You're not here just for the conference, are you? Why are you really here? What did you leave out? "

Giordano narrowed his eyes in return, disliking the suspicion in Shepherd's voice, disliking the need to explain himself to anyone, let alone this arrogant young surgeon. His lordly nostrils flared as he drew breath to answer, "Dr. Shepherd, I have a request of you. Otherwise, I'd never talk about this. I will tell you my story and then I ask that you do a favor for me."

Derek slowly nodded, "As long as it doesn't hurt Meredith."

"Ellis threatened to tell everyone in our circles that my love for her child was unnatural, that I'd... with a twelve year old..." Giordano lifted his firm chin and glared in remembered pain and horror at Shepherd, "At the threat of this terrible false accusation, my father and uncles threatened to cut off all funding and support for my estates, my dependents, my hospital, my clinics, my African medical relief programs, everything. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand against the loss of my reputation, my home, my businesses, my birthright and everything for which I'd ever worked, all for a child who was not even my blood... I eventually abandoned her."

"And you are not here by coincidence, are you? You knew Meredith was here and you knew about her mother too, right? She's not a threat to you any more," Shepherd leaned forward as he pushed Giordano to tell the whole truth, "What favor do you want from me, Giordano?"

"I have a brain tumor, I'd like you to operate."

Derek sat back in his chair and stared in shock at the man sitting opposite him. He shook his head questioningly.

"I meant it when I said abandoning her was the biggest regret of my life. Every neurosurgeon who has seen the films has said it is inoperable. If I am dying I wanted to see my daughter again before I pass. I also know of your reputation, Dr. Shepherd. I decided to visit both my daughter and you. I had no idea you were together. That is all to the good, eh?" Giordano smiled at Derek.

Derek's mind whirled with questions and doubts. Meredith... another parent was desperately ill. She could be left even as she was found again. Meredith.

**Another short chapter. Shonda and her writers have thrown me for a loop again. I am tired of feeling awful after Grey's. Anyway I wrote a blog at my homepage if you want to read it and/or comment. Why don't the writers at GA love Merek the way we do? Very sad. Almost blue Meredith sad.**


	4. One Thing After the Other

Dreams of Love

Chapter 4: One Thing After the Other

"Dr. Grey, over here," called Tolliver, a rumpled, worn looking Pit nurse, who also happened to be a favorite of Meredith's.

Meredith met him at the nurse's station. He handed her an apple quarter and munched one of his own. Meredith ate the apple and asked for her case.

"It's one of Dr. Montgomery's patients. She has gone into premature labor and her mother specifically asked for you. She said she was family. Mrs. Susan Grey and her daughter, Molly," Tolliver raised a speculative eyebrow.

"No, not really. Page Dr. Montgomery. This is not my case," Meredith uncomfortably fumbled for words, backing away.

"I've already paged her. Here she is now," Tolliver replied, nodding towards the entry from surgical. He curiously noted that Grey looked squeezed now between a rock and a hard place.

"Dr. Grey?" Montgomery clicked her way across the Pit on four inch heels that made her height an impossible six foot two and raised a supercilious brow, "I understand your sister is in labor. I'm just going in to examine her."

"No... ah... she... that is... Molly is not my sister. They are not my family. I don't want to be involved..."

"Too late, Dr. Grey." Dr. Montgomery said in a low voice, looking over Meredith's head at the approaching woman.

"Meredith, thank God," Susan Grey called from the bay, "Over here, Molly is in labor. It is too early, you know her dad's not even here. We thought we had plenty of time... Oh well, we can do this, right? Everything's going to be okay, right?"

"Come with me Dr. Grey." Montgomery headed into the bay to do her job, never once doubting that Grey would trot along obediently in her wake.

Mer dragged her feet, turning and looking at Tolliver beseechingly, "They are not my family. My family is in the dining mall."

Tolliver shrugged sympathetically, not understanding what she was talking about, "Gotta go in now, Grey, chin up."

ooo

"Dr. Giordano, I don't think it a very good idea to take my girlfriend's "papa" on as a patient. She apparently loves you and I love her," Derek stated bluntly, "There is an obvious conflict of interest."

"Dr. Shepherd, you are the best. I have flown half-way around the world to consult with you. If you also tell me it is inoperable then I will accept it and visit well with my _bambina_ before I go home to die." Guiseppe looked down and gathered his thoughts, "If you see a chance, even a slim one, I want to take it, I'm not ready to die." He looked up at Derek then with his warm, intelligent eyes, calmly assessing the brain surgeon,"You fear I would die on the table under your knife. You wonder if Meredith would blame you? She is not like that. She loves you. I see it, even when I have only seen you together twice. She forgives. She always forgives, no matter how bad the crime against her. So even if I died there would be no question. She would not blame you."

Derek pressed his lips together and narrowed his eyes as he studied the man in front of him in return, "Dr. Giordano, I would like to help you but..." Derek shook his head.

"We will talk to Meredith, _si_? You will see what I say is true. You are my last hope, _signore_." Guiseppe was not above a little emotional blackmail.

Dr. Shepherd looked at him and sighed, "I want CT and MRI scans done here. I want to see everything already done for you – all labs, all assessments. If you're a candidate for surgery... well, then we'll have to speak to Meredith."

ooo

Dr. Montgomery had Meredith take her patient to obstetrics. Meredith focused on her job, running labs, prepping for surgery and making her patient as comfortable as possible. She ignored everything else, including Molly crying for Daddy. A hardened part of herself wanted to tell Molly it did no good to cry for Daddy, didn't she know that? But wait, Molly's dad had always been there for Molly. He just hadn't been there for Meredith.

Molly's daddy wasn't here now, but her mommy was instead. Meredith watched Susan calm her daughter and remonstrate with her fears. Susan alternately babied or scolded her, whatever Molly needed. Susan managed to keep Molly's fears at bay, helping her daughter through the difficult preparatory period even as her swollen body labored prematurely.

"Thatcher is in Massachusetts visiting our other daughter," Susan said at Meredith's elbow. Meredith looked up uncertainly. What did Susan want from her? The whereabouts of Thatcher Grey had not been her concern for over twenty years. Meredith uncomfortably shifted from foot to foot. Meanwhile _Papà_ Guiseppe was in town, here in the hospital, and Meredith was stuck in OB pre-op.

"He wanted to be here, you know. He'd planned on being here. He'll be so upset to have missed this. We thought there would be plenty of time. We should have had plenty of time." Meredith stared blankly as Susan rambled on.

_Thatcher Grey planned on being there for his pregnant daughter – who is not me. He _was_ there for his daughter in med school – again not me. I did med school totally alone. No mother, no father, no one. Papà Guiseppe had tried to be there for his stepdaughter - me. Susan Grey was there for her daughter - not me again. Ellis Grey had never been there for her daughter - yeah, me. _Thoughts, disjointed, sad, and weird swirled through Meredith's numb brain. Emotions welled and subsided, one replaced by the next; sadness, envy, loneliness, anger, pain, hurt, worry, followed by a physician's mercy, compassion, and good will for a frightened laboring young patient.

_I want to see my Papà. Papà is here and Mom doesn't need to know. I can have my Papà back. _A part of Meredith that was still very young thought.

Montgomery's OR was ready. Meredith and an orderly pushed Molly's gurney towards surgery. Susan walked alongside reassuring her daughter every step of the way. Meredith fought to control the ineffable mixture of emotions roiling in her gut. She pulled the mantle of chilly professionalism over her shoulders presenting an expressionless front. She could do this. These people were just people, nothing more or less.

Montgomery let Grey into the surgery as her intern when she saw the young woman's demeanor. She obviously had no feelings towards these women and did not consider them family. Meredith handed Susan off to one of the nurses for the preparation and draping necessary for entering the OR. She let the scrub nurses sweep Molly away through the wide doors and she turned to scrub in herself.

Dr. Montgomery expertly performed a C-section on Molly while her mother, Susan sat holding her hand. Dr. Grey assisted by retracting. As Addison lifted the baby from her mother's womb, she felt the cold edge of something wrong. Every healer instinct she had screamed a warning. The baby was not breathing. Something was terribly wrong. Addison snapped orders at one doctor to close and another to help with the warmer. She called to Dr. Grey to assist her in getting the baby stabilized. Susan and Molly cried out, repeatedly asking what was wrong with the baby. At the escalating panic in the new mother' and grandmother's voices, Montgomery ordered Grey to talk them through it.

Meredith focused on the C-section rather than on Susan and Molly – her sister Molly. No, Cristina was her sister, not this frightened young woman who looked so much like her. She was just her father's youngest daughter, Molly. The one he'd stayed with, the one he loved.

_Stop it Meredith, Molly has nothing to do with what is, or rather is not, between you and Thatcher... Yeah, but if he hadn't replaced his little girl right away with two other little girls that he liked better... _Again Meredith's very young voice spoke in her psyche. Meredith's stomach burned.

Meredith sharply drew herself back to the surgery. She could see the baby's head. Incredibly she felt thrilled at the sight. For the first time on witnessing a birth Meredith felt connected. This new life, so tiny, so precious was her father's granddaughter. Technically, she was Meredith's niece. No, no technically, no nothing. Her biological father had made it quite clear over the years that she wasn't included. She was not a part of his family. She had accepted that. Nothing was changed by the birth of this baby.

Meredith waited for the first breath, pretending to herself that this baby wasn't special to her, that it was like every other baby she'd ever seen. They were all precious and cute, but distantly. Addison's habitual sneer deepened behind her mask and turned into a scowl of concern. Her movements became sharp and hurried. She rapped out orders in a calm yet commanding voice. Meredith realized the tiny girl baby wasn't breathing. The baby could die. Dr. Montgomery's every action and word gave away her concern and fear for her tiny patient.

_She can't die! She is so little. She's never even taken one breath. Please don't let her die. She needs a chance, a chance to live. Oh God, help her. _Meredith froze in fear for the helpless little baby and her helpless young mother, forgetting she was a surgeon, forgetting objectivity. This precious little baby was the future, Meredith's future as well as Molly's and Thatcher's.

"Grey! Grey! Don't just stand there! Talk them through this. We need to get this baby stabilized and into surgery immediately." Montgomery barked at Meredith to snap her out of it. Then she turned her full attention on the baby and ignored everything else.

Meredith awoke from her blue paralysis and went to Susan, "The baby isn't breathing. There is something wrong. Dr. Montgomery will stabilize her, get her breathing, and evaluate her condition. If necessary, she will perform surgery. Dr. Montgomery is an excellent neonatal specialist so please stay calm. The baby could not be in better hands," she looked towards Molly who was weakly crying and asking what was wrong with every breath, "Help me help your daughter. We need to calm her down, and then when she is closed, we need to get her into post op recovery. The quieter she stays, the better." Susan nodded, calmed herself from Meredith's manner.

Dr. Grey became completely professional again. She assisted Susan in soothing Molly and then she assisted the OB surgical resident who was closing. She carefully did not think about the tiny infant whose life hung in the balance. Or the woman who used to be Derek's wife. She ignored the niggle of uncertainty about Addison's character. The woman was cold, cruel, arrogant and manipulative, but surely she would not take out her anger and blame towards Meredith and Derek on a helpless little baby.

_Oh, Meredith, of course she wouldn't. She is a professional and one of the best neonatal surgeons in the country. She has proven her ability repeatedly in this very hospital. What are you thinking? Addison is not really Satan, no matter what._

After Meredith got Molly and Susan settled in post-op she checked with Dr. Montgomery in the scrub room on the status of the baby. Addison sharply criticized her performance in surgery and ordered her to stay away from the baby's surgery. The infant had jejunal artesia and the surgery would be touch and go. Addison ordered Grey to continue to liaison between her OR and the baby's family, then she turned her back on Grey and ignored her.

Meredith slowly walked away from the scrub room pulling the intern blue cap from her head. Soft dark honey gold hair spilled in waves across her shoulders. She had choked in surgery. She understood why Montgomery was angry, but depression pressed her down. She wanted to talk to Derek or Cristina about what had just happened. Cristina was in surgery but maybe Derek was free or could become free for lunch. Maybe she could even call her _Papà. _She warmed at the thought.

Meredith had reached the head of the stairs when she heard all the shocked whispers behind her. She turned around and her mouth fell open as she witnessed Cristina covered in gouts of blood from head to toe running down the hallway.

"Cristina! Cristina!" Cristina crashed into Meredith, not hearing her, not even seeing her. Blood smeared across the front of Meredith's scrubs.

"Cristina, let me help you," Meredith pulled Cristina into the tiny office behind the nearest nurses' station. Cristina's sturdy little body was shaking and icy cold. Her face had a look of horror on it that frightened Mer. She grabbed Cristina's glove at the wrist and pulled it inside out as she pulled it off. Then she nabbed the other one. Meredith untied the soaked surgical gown and eased it off of her friend. Then she struggled with the knot on her mask to get it to finally let go. She slid Cristina's scrub cap off and bundled the whole mess together.

"Here," Meredith thrust the bundle into a nosy nurse's arms, "thank you for taking care of this." Then she hustled Cristina away towards the intern locker room. Both of them were going to need a shower. Meredith didn't know what was going on yet, but she did know two things. Cristina was her sister, her family. And Cristina had been there for her over the last year in a way that no one else was. Whatever was wrong, Meredith wanted to be there for her friend.

** Please do review. Good reviews or bad, I am interested in what you have to say after reading my stories. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. samantha**


	5. Out in the Open

Dreams of Love

Chapter 5: Out in the Open

"I have to see the Chief. I have to tell him," Cristina murmured to Meredith shockily as Mer stripped her clothes off her.

"I know Cristina. As soon as you warm up and get dressed in clean scrubs you can go find the Chief. I'll help you find him, I promise."

Fortunately, the women's showers had six shower nozzles covering a large group shower area. There was room for Meredith and Cristina to be in the shower space together. Meredith quickly stepped out of her own clothes and urged Cristina under the hot water. She had remembered to bundle their hair up in clips so they could avoid wetting most of it. She soaped a cloth and started scrubbing the dried blood off her best friend's arm while hot water caused the blood to run in watery rivulets off her own body.

"Meredith, remember when I asked you the other day about what you would do if Derek robbed a bank and you knew about it?" Cristina's look of horror was only marginally better.

Mer rinsed Cristina's arm and sudsed her chest and tummy where she was caked with blood, turning her to face the spray, "Yeah, what about it?"

"Burke... he robbed a bank... we robbed a bank... I helped him," Cristina stumbled over her words searching for the way to tell her friend what she'd done.

"Cristina, you are my sister, my family, you can tell me," Meredith's face became very calm and accepting. There was no judgment.

Cristina blurted, "Burke's hand. It tremors, Mer. He can't control it. I've been his right hand, literally, for weeks."

Hot tears ran down her face as she confessed her crimes to the woman she knew would forgive her and understand her, "I changed the board. I lied, Meredith. I erased Bailey and other residents from Burke's surgeries. I covered for him with the scrub nurses. But now George's dad has been admitted, did you know? He needs a valve replacement. George's dad, Mer. My dad... Burke just can't operate on George's dad. Burke blames me. He blames me for the mess we're in now. Oh, Meredith, what have I done?"

ooo

Derek frowned as he searched the MRI scan for information.

_It was doable,_ he thought, _barely doable_.

He looked over the CT and went back to the MRI. His brilliant surgical mind started mapping a course of action. Adrenaline coursed through his veins at the excitement of such a challenge. He started seeing the exact path of how it could be done.

Giordano was strong and only fifty six. He was in excellent shape. His blood pressure and other vitals were as good as could be expected. His heart was tip-top, able to withstand an extended surgery. He had a good chance of survival, but Shepherd would have to cut a portion of his brain that contained memory and personality – not much, but you never knew when you cut a brain what was stored exactly where.

Derek weighed the risks, then came to a firm decision. He would operate. Guiseppe and Meredith would have to talk first. He would explain all the obstacles and risks, but he wasn't sneaking behind her back and he wasn't operating on his lover's father without her consent. He didn't care what anyone said, in this case the daughter had to agree, otherwise Guiseppe would have to find another surgeon. Derek ran over the short list of neurosurgeons he could refer to. Meredith had already had to deal with so much he didn't want to add to her troubles, but he couldn't see a way around it.

ooo

Meredith soaped and rinsed, soaped and rinsed, until she could work her way through the shock, "Cristina, you're going to tell the Chief this? Does Burke know?"

"Burke doesn't know, but I have to. I have to. All these surgeries. I can't keep up. I've been doing surgical procedures a fifth year couldn't do."

"Why were you covered in blood, Cristina?" Meredith asked carefully, making Cristina turn for a final rinse. She swiftly washed the blood from her own body.

"I made a mistake. I didn't know what to do. The stitches blew on a woman's aorta and blood sprayed everywhere. Burke... he stayed calm, he took care of it, but I can't do this any more. What if I made a mistake on George's dad? What if _he_ made a mistake on George's dad? He thinks we're good, he's good, but he's not, Mer. The longer this goes on the worse it gets for me," Cristina dried off with a skimpy white hospital towel and dressed in fresh underwear and scrubs. She hoped her heaviest long sleeved undershirt would help ward off the chill she still felt.

Meredith sat on the shower bench and dried off. She donned underwear, a black long-sleeved undershirt and fresh scrubs. She didn't know what to say. What if Cristina lost Burke over this? Meredith hurt for her friend. Cristina and Burke loved each other. They had a crazy, different relationship, but it seemed to work for them. Meredith wouldn't wish the pain of losing the man you loved on anyone, let alone her best friend. And what about her career, what about Burke's career? Cristina plopped down beside her and stared between her knees at the floor. Meredith gently touched her friend's hand.

"Hey, I'm here for you, okay? Whatever happens, whatever doesn't happen, I am your person."

"I know, Mer."

ooo

Meredith left Cristina waiting to see the Chief. She had to get to Montgomery's OR to check on the baby's status. She checked in with Addison who was just as irritated as she had been an hour earlier. Her eyes snapped at Grey as she gave her the information needed for the family, and then ordered her out. The concentration and skill Addison was using to save Molly's baby was extraordinary. She could afford no distractions, especially not Meredith Grey.

Meredith hurried to post-op then to check on Molly and Susan. She shared what she knew about the baby and examined Molly. She double checked the nurses' reports and all meds. Susan sat with Molly, wordlessly reassuring her by stroking her hair. Her soft mother's countenance was filled with love and courage. Meredith shuffled with embarrassment over her sentiment and effusive gratitude. Before leaving the floor she arranged with another intern to cover Molly and the baby so she could have a break and perhaps lunch.

Meredith's heart ached with all the unfamiliar emotions and conflicting highs and lows of the day. She still had an uncomfortable rumbling in her system that said that something was terribly wrong. Well, wasn't Cristina and Burke and Molly and the baby and Mr. O'Malley enough? Wasn't freezing in the OR and being taken to task by Montgomery enough? The weird feeling persisted, not at all appeased by the list of today's casualties.

Derek, she needed to see Derek. She'd come to rely on her boyfriend's solid support, no matter what. She knew he'd be there for her. He'd say all the right things and best of all, he'd love her. Meredith checked the board, relieved to see he wasn't scheduled. Just then her beeper shrilled it's electronic demand. Meredith sighed resignedly, ready to take care of another patient, but then smiled slightly when she saw the page was from her guy. Right on time. He texted her to meet him in his office. Hmm. Not really a good trysting spot but better than some.

Meredith hurried up the stairs to Derek's small office. It always amused her that the multi-million dollar hot-shot attendings were housed worse than students in a college dorm. Webber spent money on the ORs, not office space. Derek's office had just enough room for his desk set, two chairs, and a couch. How they had ever crammed the couch in was anyone's guess. Derek's office door was open and Meredith recognized the expensively clad leg and shoe she could see through it. She ran forward eager to see him again.

"_Papà_ Guiseppe! What are you still doing here? I thought you'd be in conference all day," Meredith kissed his face and urged him to stay seated. His cologne was still the same. The scent of it and the love in Guiseppe's eyes threw her back into the idyllic days in Italy when she had a real family.

Guiseppe had insisted she stay at home and go to school as a day student in Rome. After all, there was an excellent private international school just thirty minutes from the palazzio and all his nieces and nephews attended it. He hired two piano teachers for her as soon as he heard her play the grand piano in his music room. Guiseppe personally taught her the art treasures of Rome, Florence, and Venice. He gave her a high limit credit card to access all the Italian clothing and shoe designers and anything else she wanted. He taught her to drive a fancy little Italian sports car. He had fun indulging both her and himself. He'd never had a daughter to spoil before.

The love wasn't unidirectional either. Meredith discovered that far from rebelling, she wanted to please her _Papà_ in everything. She couldn't bear to disappoint him. Her grades became perfect. Her music soared to heights previously thought unattainable by her. She took care of Guiseppe's mother, sitting with the old woman every day. She taught her younger cousins English and French. She learned Italian very quickly, irritating Ellis who never mastered the language. She did everything she could to please _Papà_ Guiseppe and she even managed to please her mother a little.

Ellis traveled extensively so was only home three days out of seven. She had even seemed happy for a while with all the prestige of the World Health Organization and the United Nations. Plus Guiseppe was even more attentive to her than he was to Meredith. The woman had everything she could possibly want... _except for Richard Webber, _Meredith thought sadly now.

She blinked free of her thoughts and rounded Derek's desk to lightly kiss his stubbled jaw, needing the closeness, "Derek I was just coming to see you when you paged me. I needed to talk with you."

Derek had noticed the three times he'd seen Meredith with Guiseppe how she uncharacteristically hugged and kissed him. He was fascinated by the glimpse of Meredith as an early teenager, before she learned to be uncomfortable touching anyone but her sexual partners. Derek turned his face and pressed a real kiss to his girl's soft lips, tasting lip gloss. He held her tightly a second too long and Meredith knew. All the dark and twisty fears of the day gelled as she looked back and forth between her love and his patient, "What's the diagnosis?" she asked in a barely there voice.

"Meredith," they both said at the same time.

"No, don't try. No. _Papà_ Guiseppe you are here to consult Derek, aren't you? What is the diagnosis?" Meredith stood with her arms crossed tightly over her body. She knew. Their words would only confirm what she knew. _Papà _was not in Seattle for a conference. Nor was he visiting Grace to see _her_ again. He hadn't seen _her_ in twelve years. He was here to consult one of the finest neurosurgeons in the world. Meredith's stomach flipped upside down. It spelled tumor – dangerous, life threatening tumor – to Meredith's physician's brain. Her dark foreboding crashed into reality and took form.

"I have a brain tumor, Meredith," Guiseppe spoke softly in English before Derek could, "Six surgeons declared it inoperable. They said to put my affairs in order and make the best of the time I have left. But I am not ready to give up, _bambina_. I read about the remarkable work of Dr. Shepherd and knew to consult with him was my only choice." Guiseppe grew excited, "And he says there is a chance, Meredith. There is a chance he can remove the tumor and give me back my life."

"Wait a minute, Guiseppe, I have also told you of all the risks you'd be facing. There is a chance, a real chance, but it is very small. Meredith, come, sit here," Derek urged Meredith into his only other guest chair. He didn't like how pale she'd become. He rubbed her cold hand between his strong, warm palms.

"Meredith, I need to tell you about the surgery and the inherent dangers to your step dad."

She looked up at him through misty, disbelieving eyes, "Why? It is his decision, I am uninvolved in his life," she looked down at the floor again. Her _Papà_ had a brain tumor. He was likely to die and soon. He had not come to Seattle to see her, he had come to Seattle to die.

"Meredith, I know this is hard, baby, but I will not take Guiseppe onto my table without your consent. If this is too hard for you, I'll refer him to Steiner in Chicago. I will not run this risk if you don't want me to." Derek squatted in front of her, knowing she was deeply hurt, _again, damn it! Why can't there ever be just one month, just one, where Mer can be happy every day. I swear on my honor that when she finally accrues enough time in this program, I'm going to take her away for a month long cruise somewhere fabulous._

He made himself come back to present time. He quickly ran through the location of the tumor and all its parameters for Meredith. He explained all the risks in detail. Then he paused after admitting how experimental it would be. Derek waited for her to look up, his expression compassionate. When she did her lovely green eyes brimmed with unspoken pain and resolve.

"Of course you must try, Derek. He needs the best, right?" Meredith shared a long look with the man who had once been her guiding light and only champion in a harsh world, "_Papà_ Guiseppe, I have to go now. I have a newborn patient who may not survive surgery and I must take care of her mother," Meredith rose to leave.

"No, wait. Guiseppe, would you excuse us please?" Derek politely asked, capturing Meredith's slim wrist in his hand.

Guiseppe kissed Mer's cool cheek again and murmured his heartfelt thanks and joy at the new chance he'd been given. He believed he'd make it. He promised to call her later and then he was gone. Derek pushed the door shut with his foot, then pulled his girl full length against him, wrapping his arms around her.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured softly in her ear as he gently rocked her in his arms, "Do you really have to rush off or can you stay with me for a few minutes?"

"I can stay for my lunch break, Derek. I really do have a sick infant and her mom though," her voice held a strange forlorn note, he hadn't heard before, "And Cristina and George, they need me. And Guiseppe, when will you perform the surgery?"

"We've scheduled him for the day after tomorrow since the conjoined twins will take the entire day tomorrow. You said you were coming to talk with me when I paged. What's wrong? Mer, is it about your patient? The newborn? Or your friends?" Derek sat on his office couch and pulled his girl down next to him.

"All of them. The baby. She's my father's granddaughter. My other father, Thatcher, I mean, whom I barely know, and who has two other daughters. Addison is operating -- she's brilliant, Derek. The baby was born just two hours ago with jejunal artesia. It feels so strange. She could have been my niece, but she isn't," Meredith looked up into Derek's midnight blue eyes. Her face was full of conflicting feelings.

"She could be your niece, Mer, if you could decide to do something differently than your mom or dad. You could have a relationship with that baby even if you don't have one with anyone else in your father's family. You're the adult now. You have some control. You can choose."

"No," Meredith shook her head, memories of trying to get back into the Giordano family's good graces fresh in her mind. At sixteen she'd long since given up on Thatcher, knowing that he had permanently abandoned her. But Guiseppe... he loved her. She knew it. She couldn't understand, as a fairly innocent sixteen year old, how an entire family could suddenly hate her and want her gone. She didn't understand then or now what she had done that was so bad that they had sent her to the "Chalet of Charon", as she had bitterly called it in the quiet of her mind, in Switzerland. She couldn't face never seeing her _Papà_ Guiseppe again, so she escaped imprisonment repeatedly to make her way back to her spiritual father. Only to be sent back without seeing Guiseppe, every time to harsher and harsher punishment and recriminations. Until something happened that made her stop trying, something that made her give up hope.

_There's a reason pain is the color of old red bricks,_ the thought escaped before she could stop it. In Derek's arms Meredith shuddered at the memories of that place in the Alps.

"My father already chose. Until _he_ invites me there's no place for me. I won't go where I'm not wanted. I've had to learn that too many times already," Derek sighed at what he perceived to be her stubbornness.

"What about O'Malley and Yang? What's going on with them?"

"George's dad's been admitted with broken bones after an unexplained faint. We don't know what the full picture is yet, but he definitely needs a heart valve replacement. They're running further tests to find out what else is wrong, I guess." Meredith felt guilty that she hadn't seen George yet.

"And Yang?"

"Cristina... Cristina said Burke..." Meredith looked sadly up at Derek, "Cristina made a mistake, Derek. She may lose Burke, she may lose her place in the program. I don't know. She cried, Derek. Cristina cried. Burke's doing something wrong, but I can't talk about that. You'll find out from the Chief, probably, later today."

Derek said nothing even though her last words made him extremely curious. He simply held her close and warmed her, not only with the heat of his body but with the heat of his devotion. He stood up and took off his lab coat and all his electronic leashes, threw them on his desk, and then kicked off his shoes.

"Lie here with me awhile, alright?" he asked, reaching for an afghan lying across the back of the couch. He settled comfortably on the couch, stuffing a pillow behind his head, while Meredith stripped off her own gear.

She gladly went into his arms and breathed his scent. Derek covered them both with the afghan and let Meredith pillow her head on his chest. Gradually her internal red alerts silenced and her pain diminished. Worry for everyone became a dull ache instead of a throbbing wound. Derek brushed long caressing strokes from her head to her low back easing her tension. He pressed his lips against her temple and murmured softly to her, reassuring her that he loved her and that everything would be okay. He had a million things to do, his job was pressing, but he decided time with Meredith when she needed him had to come first this time. Without her his life was blah. And the next few days were only going to get worse for her and tighter on time for him.

She snuggled her breasts into his chest and buried her face in his throat, "Good to know you have no need of little blue pills Dr. Shepherd," she said teasingly when she felt his readiness for her against her belly.

"This may not be the best timing but I still want to be as close to you as I can get," he said softly with no trace of embarrassment as his body tightened even harder.

Meredith looked up and asked wistfully, "Can we...?"

In answer Derek pulled the drawstring on her scrubs. She returned the favor. They slid their clothes down just far enough for access. Derek reached a long arm into his lab coat pocket and pulled out his wallet. He found one of the condoms he'd taken to carrying since dating Meredith again and put it on. Meredith sighed in relief when he filled her with his hot, hard sex. She slid to her side and rested her leg over his hip, trusting him to hold her up on the narrow couch.

Derek kissed her hair and then her face as she raised it. He caressed her body from her shoulders to her hips and then gripped her hips pulling her towards him even as he thrust hard into her. He stroked his tongue gently along her bottom lip, knowing that this lovemaking was as much for comfort as it was for anything else. Meredith flicked her own soft tongue out and stroked his erotically.

She undulated fervidly against him, pleasured intensely by the deepening sensations. Derek groaned deep in his chest from the hotness of her movements. She was all woman and all temptress. He pressed forward and caught her mouth in a deep kiss, letting go of his emotions. Love and lust blended together and drove him higher and higher towards his sexual peak.

Meredith reveled in her lover's smell and taste and touch. He was the love of her life. She let him into her body, heart and soul, trusting fully in his love. Peace and comfort filled her heart from her solid relationship with Derek. She was home, safe and warm in his arms. She let herself fall from her peak, knowing her man would catch her and cushion her lovingly.

Derek was awed by her openness and trust. She was always so incredible in bed. He still had no idea how she had managed to preserve this part of herself undamaged and generous, loving and kind. He just knew he loved it and her.

"I love you, Meredith."

Derek plunged his body into her creamy hot vagina over and over until his pleasure erupted and spilled physically and emotionally. They panted in shared breaths, looking deeply into each other's eyes.

"I love you, too. I'm so glad you're in my life," Meredith kissed him sweetly on the corner of his mouth, holding him with a lover's strength. Her world was reset by the comfortable closeness she found with him. Maybe everything would be okay.

**Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. I learn so much from all of you. I value each and every comment. sam**


	6. Meredith's Real Father

_**Thank you to everyone who took the time to review so far.**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 6: Meredith's Real Father**

Broken, rusty nightmare images stalked Meredith in her sleep. She had to get in, she just had to. She groaned out loud as she turned restlessly from side to side. A cold sweat bathed her brow and made her shiver. _Help me. Please._ Armed, stone-faced guards denied her entrance no matter how much she pleaded or which way she turned. Snapping, slavering dogs roved the grounds and fiercely held her at bay. Walls, twelve feet tall, stretched endlessly up in front of her, impossible to climb. Expressionless, uniformed middle-aged women watched her silently with bulging horrific eyes and pursed tight lips, arms crossed, waiting dispassionately for her to give in, give up. She stretched out her hands trying to escape the blows coming form every direction now... going down... cold intensifying... dark ugly bricks.

There was no escape, just endurance and acceptance. Meredith twisted frantically and cried out. She sat straight up in bed, heart racing and fists clenched. She frantically looked around the dark room trying to figure out where she was.

"Meredith? Are you all right? Mer?" George knocked softly at the door. Meredith started and panted heavily. Seattle. The relief was palpable. George opened the door a fraction and peeped inside.

"Meredith? It's George. Are you okay? I heard you scream... and Shepherd's not here so I know you're not having se... uh... are you okay?" George verbally stumbled.

"George, move aside. Mer, I'm coming in, okay?" Izzie entered the dark bedroom and turned on the light in Mer's master bath. The indirect glow lit Meredith's frantic expression and wild eyes. Izzie padded across the room and slid into bed with Mer, sitting slightly behind her and wrapping her arms around her. Meredith sighed in relief to feel Izzie's soft bosom pressed against her. There was something innately comforting about it that she needed. She didn't even recognize her own need to be mothered. George went to the other side and sat guard there. He gently touched Mer on her stiff back and murmured softly to her that everything was okay. She'd just had a bad dream.

"I'm sorry... I'm okay... really," Meredith gasped as she gripped George's hand, "Just a bad dream... that's all."

Meredith was icy cold and shaking. George and Izzie looked at each other concerned.

"I'm okay, really. Go back to bed, you two. I'm sorry I disturbed you." Meredith tried, struggling to control the shakes and fear.

"No problem, Mer. I thought it was Izzie at first. You know how many times you and me and even Shepherd has had to wake her from a nightmare, or deal with her crying in the night since Denny..." George stopped in the face of the look Izzie was giving him behind Meredith's back, "I mean..."

"We know what you mean, George. Meredith, what were you dreaming about? I know your stepdad was admitted this afternoon. Was that it?" Izzie asked, trying to be supportive.

"No, no, I don't want to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about." Mer clutched George's hand desperately.

"Meredith, you screamed for help." George said quietly.

"It was just something I remembered today, from the year I lived in Switzerland," Meredith minimized, "It wasn't a good year. That's all. No big deal really"

Meredith's teeth started chattering, "I just haven't had one of these in a long time."

"I'm going downstairs to make you a hot drink. It really has helped when you've made one for me." Izzie grimaced ruefully, thinking back over the last few months, "Lie back down Mer. Maybe you'll get back to sleep before I get back upstairs."

Izzie left and George sat very still holding his friend's hand. They had come so far since the awful depressing sex incident. He gently stroked Meredith's arm when she turned on her side facing him.

"I'm so sorry about your dad, George," Meredith whispered.

"Yeah, me too. We're calling in Dr. Hahn for the valve replacement now that Burke is back on sick leave," George's face hardened as he thought about Burke, Burke and Cristina, Burke with the shaky hand and Cristina who hid it.

"George, Cristina..."

"No, no Mer, I don't want to talk about her right now," George's face took on a bulldog cast, stubborn in his own righteousness, "She and Burke could have killed my dad."

"It must be nice to never make a mistake, George," Meredith wearily whispered again, but George could hear her, "It must be nice to live in a solid concrete house instead of a glass one." George turned his face away.

Meredith sighed and closed her eyes, trying to empty her mind of all broken images and worried thoughts. She accepted George's steady presence as the comfort he meant it to be, and gradually relaxed. The silence stretched between them.

"Meredith, I heard what you screamed," George said finally.

"George..."

"Mer, you screamed for someone to help you, to save you. How old were you in Switzerland, Mer? What happened to you there?" George looked into Meredith's shadowy face. She'd never said anything. They all called her dark and twisty and assumed it was the no-dad thing and the early Alzheimer's mom thing, but no one had guessed there might be some other cause.

Meredith's respirations increased as the tension escalated again, "I was sixteen, George. I left when I was seventeen. It is not a fond memory or anything I want to talk about."

George pondered for a moment and then said, "So you went there after your mom divorced Dr. Giordano."

"George...!" Meredith's nerves were stretching to the screaming point again.

"Here we are. Meredith, I made you hot chocolate," Izzie interrupted.

"Hey, what's going on in here? You're having a party and no one invited me?" Derek stood in the doorway, his brows raised in surprise at the roommates all gathered together on Meredith's bed.

Meredith's face softened at the sight of her lover, "Hi, I thought you'd gone to the trailer when you didn't get here earlier," she spoke softly with a slight question in her voice.

"I got held up in the Pit with multiple head injuries from a three car pile-up. What's wrong, Meredith?" Shepherd spoke to Meredith but still looked directly at George for an answer.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Meredith answered.

"Nightmare," said Izzie.

"Something's come back to haunt her from the time after Giordano and her mom split. Something from Switzerland. Something really bad," George spilled everything he knew under that midnight blue penetrating gaze.

"George! Derek, I'm fine really. It was just a bad dream."

Shepherd motioned to Meredith's roommates to leave, "Thanks for being here for her."

"No problemo," said Izzie, smiling sadly, "As George said, Meredith has had my back for all my nightmares since Denny died. It was time I returned the favor."

They left, closing the door behind them. Derek dropped his satchel on the floor and laid his old leather bomber jacket across a chair. He gently brushed the hair from her eyes and kissed her soft, parted lips.

"Are you sure you're okay, now?" he asked.

"Yes, but I won't deny that I missed you. I'm really glad you're home."

Meredith sipped her hot chocolate and watched him undress through lowered lashes. He calmly got ready for bed without a word. Her tensions started mounting again.

It had been such a shameful time. Her mother had dumped her in a private boarding school in the Alps after her divorce. All Ellis cared about was the academic achievements espoused by the school and the quality of the students there. The school was known to have one princess, two duke's daughters, ambassadors' children, physician's daughters, and many mega-mogul's kids. So the structure was rigid – okay, extremely rigid – that was all to the good. Meredith needed a firm hand. Especially since Guiseppe had just spent the better part of four years spoiling the girl. Ellis could not understand then or ever that it was Meredith's time with Guiseppe that developed the intrinsic ability in Meredith's character to love generously and loyally as an adult. The bounty that Derek enjoyed with Meredith was, if not planted by Guiseppe, carefully tended by him at a critical stage of Meredith's development.

Meredith would continue her language education in Latin and Greek for her future in medicine. She would also study the languages used in Switzerland; Italian, French, and German (high versions only, of course, not the local dialects). She wouldn't be wasting so much time on art and music and world history as she had in Rome. Now it was time to buckle down to calculus, computer science, chemistry, physics, and biology. Ellis didn't care that the schoolmistresses taught through the old hateful punishment and shame style. No good deed was rewarded and no bad deed, no matter how minuscule, was ever overlooked. Rather, the student who committed any infraction was held up in front of the whole school for public ridicule and humiliation. Each succeeding infraction resulted in harsher and harsher punishments, until...

Meredith set her forgotten hot chocolate down with a thunk. She slid down in her bed and closed her eyes trying to breathe away the memories. She almost cried out in relief when Derek slid in bed behind her. He wrapped his arms around her warm body and grunted in disapproval.

"Too many clothes," he slid her nightgown up and off, dropping it on the floor, "We're not Eskimos, and I'm here now to keep you warm," he rubbed his night cold hands over her warm, soft body, almost like he was checking her all over to be sure she was all there. Meredith shivered when he slid his fingers over her tummy ring.

Meredith smiled at the tired, grumpy possessiveness in Derek's voice. She was glad he was home. She snuggled her small bottom backwards into his lap, liking how the hard planes of his chest supported her back. His arms closed firmly around her once more, and he held her hand in his. He brushed her hair from his lips and kissed her gently on the nape of her neck.

"So, bad dreams stirred up from Giordano being here? Not to mention Burke's hand?" he murmured. She should have known he wouldn't let it go.

"Just memories of what came after, Derek, I swear, and I didn't know about Burke's hand until today."

"Mm, we'll talk later when I don't have conjoined twins to separate in the morning," he murmured, almost asleep. Meredith sighed, reassured. She had some time to regroup. She closed her eyes and let peacefulness and safety descend over her in her lover's arms.

ooo

Meredith and George were given scut the next day since Bailey wasn't going to brook any nonsense from them. They both had family in the hospital and that was that. Meredith didn't mind because it gave her so much time to visit with _Papà_ Guiseppe, as well as watch the conjoined twin separation. She also told herself it was only right that she should visit the NICU multiple times throughout the day to check on her tiny patient, who could have been her niece in an alternate universe, Laura. Dr. Montgomery had performed a miracle for the baby and Susan and Molly were overjoyed.

Meredith sat with Guiseppe after delivering all the labs she'd been assigned.

"How are you, _bambina_? How are you really?" _Papà_ asked with concerned love in his voice.

"Derek's the best. He'll bring you through, _Papà. _I know he will."

"I'm not concerned with that, although I am sorry my condition is causing you even a moment's unrest," he said, "I'm asking you how you are? You are happy with this man?"

Meredith flushed a delicate pink and looked up at Guiseppe, her heart in her eyes.

"_Papà_ Guiseppe, I have a boyfriend who loves me, really loves me. We're happy together, so happy. He's everything to me. I never really thought I'd be so lucky," Meredith stumbled to a halt, then said, "I mean, I have been fortunate in my life, incredibly fortunate, but it never lasts, something always goes terribly wrong, and then I pay for any happiness I might have had ten times over, you know?"

"Meredith, you have to believe in the good, regardless of what happens. Our creator is a beneficent God. Never forget He loves you and so do I. No matter what, that will never change. I am so glad you have a wonderful man in your life. I hope one day he will be more than a boyfriend, yes?" Meredith shyly looked away and Guiseppe laughed. He patted the side of his bed and Meredith sat next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. He gently stroked her dark honey colored hair.

"And look what you have done. You have worked very hard over the years and achieved much. You completed your B.S. and you have a medical degree from Dartmouth. Now you become a surgeon. Have you chosen a specialty yet?"

"No _Papà, _what with taking care of mom and having a difficult internship, not to mention the rough patch I had with Derek for a while, I am just not ready yet to decide." Meredith cringed at the hesitancy in her own words and waited for his criticism to fall.

Guiseppe chuckled warmly and hugged her, "I am so very proud of you, my own little girl. Maybe neurosurgery, eh?" he teased her a little.

"I admire you tremendously for doing so well in medical school even when you had to take care of your mother. You have done very well for both of you. Ellis is privileged to have such a child. I have always told her so."

"_Papà_, I've missed you," Meredith smiled at her champion. He'd always been on her side. She saw a familiar form walking past, "Mr. Sandage, please come in and meet my _Papà. _He was Ellis' second husband, Dr. Guiseppe Giordano. _Papà _this is Mr. Sandage, my friend. He plays a vicious game of poker and a mean game of chess."

Mr. Sandage shook hands with the distinguished gentleman in the bed. He astutely evaluated Giordano and Dr. Grey's face. There was more confident love on her face now than Mr. Sandage had ever seen when Meredith visited her mother. Mm. This was interesting.

"Perhaps when I get off shift, if you are still awake, we'll have a game of chess," Mr. Sandage offered, eyes twinkling.

"Oh yes, let us see if Meredith's confidence in your ability is justified, by all means. I am looking forward to it." Giordano nodded to Mr. Sandage as he left the room.

"Now, Meredith, I have left instructions with a lawyer here in Seattle in case the surgery should prove unsuccessful... ah, ah, no don't interrupt. All arrangements are made through the hospital and the lawyers. I wanted you to know that my body would be shipped back to Italy for interment. Also, you need to know that I can not leave you the bulk of my wealth. The family expects it to stay in the family. I have, however, amassed my own fortune separate from the family money..."

"_Papà _please, we don't need to speak of this." Meredith tried to shush him unsuccessfully

"Listen to me, _bambina_, I have opened an account with a financial firm here in Seattle for you. I should have helped you with eight years of college. I should have done a lot of things differently. I may be at the end of my life. Consider this a token of my deep love for the child of my heart. No one has the right to object to what I do with my private fortune. No. Stop. No more protesting. I am only doing what should have been done years ago. You must accept my gift whether I live or die. Now, promise me. Promise me you will keep this gift for yourself. You'll use it to make your life easier. Accept it for your _Papà_ who has missed you. Who loves you." He kissed her hands held tight in his.

"Alright, _Papà,_" Meredith acceded to his wishes sadly. What was Guiseppe's money without Guiseppe? What was Ellis' money without Ellis? Same for her grandparents and her aunts. She had stuff and education and money. She'd always had it. It was people she missed.

_Please, let me keep my Papà._

"_Papà_ you have to live. I can't bear it if you die."

Meredith buried her face in Guiseppe's shoulder and let him soothe her. She felt a strange feeling on the back of her neck and looked over her shoulder. Thatcher Grey hesitantly stood in the doorway, mouth gaping open and closed, eyes bulging, then turned tail and fled.

"Who was that, _bambina_?" Guiseppe asked, feeling the strange tension in Meredith's body.

"My father, _Papà." _Meredith laid her head back on her real father's chest.


	7. Nightmares Past

**My work has been extremely demanding these last few weeks so I apologize for the delay in posting this. Thank you for being patient and for taking the time to review.**

Dreams of Love

Chapter 7: Nightmares Past

Meredith sat in one of the hard plastic chairs just outside Derek's scrub room. She closed her eyes as she waited for him, feeling the familiar intern exhaustion sweep over her. Her stomach was aching slightly with a combination of hunger and anxiety, and yet she was filled with fangirl excitement to see Derek. She laid her head back as her thoughts darted around powered by the maelstrom of her emotions.

Earlier, Meredith had pushed her way through the crowded gallery of the twins separation surgery to get near her friends on the second row. There had been standing room only, because of the extreme rarity of the procedure and the convention of surgeons. The floor of the surgery was elbow to elbow with those lucky enough to be on the surgical team. Just as Meredith got near her friends, Dr. Bailey called up to the gallery for Dr. Stevens to report to the OR for Dr. Sloan. Meredith was able to snag Izzie's chair just as the ecstatic girl scrambled to her feet and headed for surgery.

"Meredith, I'm scrubbing in!" Izzie had bubbled as she passed by.

"Good for you, Iz!" Meredith had cheered her. Izzie was ready to move on to the next step in her recovery of her place in the program. Getting down to the OR floor, even if she couldn't hold an instrument was a big part of that.

Mer had watched the incredible surgery below her in awe-struck disbelief. There were initially three teams of surgeons; the plastic surgeons, the neurosurgeons, and the gastrointestinal surgeons. Later the teams would split in two, as after the twins were separated there would be two surgeries instead of one. Both twins would have to have temporary colostomies, which could hopefully be reversed at a later time.

The neurosurgical portion was exceedingly complex. Once again Meredith was reminded that Shepherd was brilliant and amazingly skilled. Dr. Shepherd and his team of surgeons had to separate the myriad of nerves going to each twin's legs. He'd already been operating steadily, patiently for eight hours when Meredith joined the gallery. His blue and white ferry boat patterned scrub cap was darkened with sweat even though the OR was icy cold.

Meredith's mind leapt to the following morning when it would be her _Papà Guiseppe_ under Derek's skilled scalpel. He just couldn't die. He was an incredible human being who had so much life left to live. She'd already experienced his loss once and the terrible consequences of that loss in her own life. Meredith's eyes glazed over and she shivered as if she too were in the icy cold. It had been cold in the dark red brick cellar. Her stomach ached and churned as the memories surfaced after such a long hiatus.

Ellis had wanted to take the position at Mayo. Giordano wanted to stay in Rome. He couldn't drop everything in his complex world to go haring off to Minnesota with her. She refused to stay centered in Rome. For Ellis it was a no-brainer, between a husband and a career move, she'd take the career move hands down. Arguments escalated until one day she packed for a trip to Greece and never came back. Legal papers were served and the servants were asked to pack the rest of her things.

Almost as an afterthought Ellis sent Meredith to the boarding school in Switzerland. Meredith was told nothing except that there was going to be a divorce and this was her school now. Although in a spectacularly beautiful setting and in a lovely weathered old chalet, the school was the gateway to Hell for Meredith. "La Chalet du Charon", named only in Meredith's teenage melodramatic mind for the ferryman who ushered condemned souls across the river Acheron into Hell, was a horrible place staffed by prune-mouthed dried up female dictators who hated Americans and teenagers. Thank God she already had Italian and French as well as English, it would have been worse for her otherwise.

The first week there, Meredith had waited expectantly for her _Papà _Guiseppe to come get her. She sneaked away every chance she got and phoned repeatedly. Her cellular phone and all phone cards were consequently removed from her possession and she was put in Coventry (no one allowed to speak to her or acknowledge her in any way) after a public denouncement, for the next week. At that, some cautious, dark place in Meredith insisted she stash the credit cards, jewelry and cash she'd had on her, when she was taken by Charon, in two hiding places on the grounds. She also hid a warm, black sweatshirt and jeans under her coat on a hanger. She tucked sneakers in her parka's large zip front pockets. She bought non-perishable food, a large bottle of water and stashed them where she could. She'd give it a week and if she hadn't heard anything she'd go home by herself.

Surgeons leaving the scrub room jostled for space next to Meredith, bumping her hard and snapping her out of her achy fugue. She spread her coat over her legs and leaned her head back against the wall again, patiently waiting for her guy. He had been heroic today. She had watched him perform miracle after miracle for the twins. They would be able to walk because of Dr. Shepherd. Meredith sighed. She wanted more than anything to be a surgeon of his caliber.

Meredith blushed now as she remembered her undisguised fangirl infatuation when he stepped away from the table, stretched out his back and neck, and glanced into the gallery, unerringly spotting her amidst the crowd. His eyes twinkled at her over his mask. She could tell he was pleased she was there. The small, silly boy-girl interaction was exactly what they both needed to pick them up. Yes, Derek was the head of neurosurgery, performing arduous extensive surgery that day, but just for a moment all he really was, was a boy in love.

Meredith caught his eye once more an hour later and waved goodbye. He acknowledged her with a slight incline of his head. She'd stood and weaved her way out of the crowded gallery. She had afternoon labs and films to deliver, plus she was hungry. She'd grab a late snack in the dining mall before running all over the hospital again.

The door to the scrub room opened again and Meredith looked up expectantly. Two scrub nurses and a tech came out. There was still no sign of Derek. If he was much longer she'd have to resort to the health bar she had in her pocket for calories and, man, she hated those things. Meredith turned sideways and wadded her purse under her head, covering up with her coat. Her eyelids were too heavy to hold open.

Meredith's tired mind drifted to Cristina sitting by herself in the dining mall, staring into nothing. She hadn't even flinched when Meredith joined her.

"Cristina, are you okay?" Meredith had unwrapped a sandwich.

"I saved him, Mer. Things got bad in Mr. O'Malley's valve replacement and I saved him... and... well... Hahn was there too," Cristina had been slightly shell-shocked.

"What happened?" Meredith had eaten the sandwich as quickly as she could.

"I knew what to do. I knew what to do to help Dr. Hahn _because_ of what I did with Burke. George's dad has a new heart valve and he made it through, Meredith," Cristina had finally turned and looked at her friend.

"Well then, something good has come out of that whole mess. Maybe Mr. O'Malley will make it now. Maybe he can beat the cancer," Meredith had speculated, eating an apple.

"Bailey is still furious and Burke isn't speaking to me. George hates me and the model twins won't leave it alone. But... it's still better than I thought it would be... I got a surgery," Cristina had looked miserably at Meredith.

"Everything's going to be okay, Cristina. Burke loves you."

"You don't know that. You didn't see his face when he slammed the door in my face." Cristina had sunk back into a depressed silence.

"I believe it Cristina. If Derek could come back to me after five horrible months, if my _Papà_ Guiseppe could come back into my life after twelve lonely years, then I believe Burke loves you enough to get over it."

Cristina had scowled at Mer incredulously, "I liked you better before, when you were miserable and pining for McDreamy. Besides, your _Papà_ Guiseppe may die tomorrow, Meredith. Then, you'll have all that heartache all over again. It would have been better if he got the surgery and lived first, before coming to see you, than putting you through all this. And McDreamy could turn into a jerk again at any minute, he's a man."

"Cristina, Derek isn't a jerk. He wasn't one before. He had to try again with Addison or he wouldn't be the person I love. He had no intention of going back to her when he dated me. It all just happened that way."

"Meredith, for a mostly dark and twisty person you can be ridiculously naive," Cristina had said morosely.

"Cristina, I have to go check on the baby in the NICU and then it's lab deliveries again for me. See you later." Meredith had completely ignored her friend's predictions of gloom. She knew Derek was there for her. He loved her. He wasn't going anywhere and he would never behave like a jerk to her. He was her McDreamy.

Meredith had lightly climbed the stairs to the NICU. She'd stepped forward and come to an abrupt halt as she saw her father through the glass walls. His face had been suffused with love. He'd cooed to the baby in the incubator and stroked her tiny arm with one finger. It had been apparent he already adored her. Meredith had tried to be okay and just wasn't. She'd been a total Daddy's girl until she was five. She thought she was a princess and her Daddy was her prince. He'd been her primary caregiver, with her through all the ups and downs of infancy and toddlerhood through kindergarten. Ellis had been a distant cold figure, always in a rush and smelling of disinfectant soap. Then Thatcher was gone. Meredith had learned in no uncertain terms that she was no princess and her father was no prince.

With _Papà_ Guiseppe being here the contrast to Ellis and Thatcher that he presented was heartbreaking. Thatcher never once fought for Meredith. Guiseppe fought the courts of two countries, his family and his ex-wife. Thatcher seemed to easily replace her with a new family, Guiseppe never did. Meredith believed Thatcher didn't love her any more and didn't want her in his life. Guiseppe loved her and wanted to spend his last days with her if the surgery didn't go well.

Even so, watching Thatcher with Laura, Meredith had missed her father all over again. She'd been ashamed to realize she'd envied the baby her father's attention, yet she knew she'd be terribly uncomfortable if he suddenly gave her his attention. She had Guiseppe, what did she need with Thatcher? She'd wanted her father to love her and she'd also wanted her father to go away. She'd felt pulled through an old fashioned wringer. He'd brought up emotions and memories she pushed away with both hands. She also felt very weird about the baby, herself. If things had been different, Laura would have been Meredith's first niece. All the confused, mixed up feelings were driving her crazy.

_Enough, enough,_ a sleep deprived, worried Meredith now told herself, jerking her thoughts away from all this. She had a real father who was going in for brain surgery tomorrow. She'd think about Guiseppe and the great times they'd had together. She'd rest until Derek was finished.

_Thatcher and his family are not my business,_ Meredith firmly told herself again. Thatcher and she were only in the same place at the same time in Seattle Grace Hospital through coincidence, not through her birth father's choice. Meredith firmly closed her eyes again and tried to breathe in peace. Her mind, however, was more interested in poking at her sore places than letting her rest.

Ambivalence set aside for the moment, Meredith had forced herself to walk into the NICU and ignore Thatcher's bumbling embarrassment. She'd focused on the baby and checked all her vitals, not because she'd been the intern assigned to Laura, but because no matter what all her inner talk said she had to know for herself that the baby was sound. When she'd been satisfied, she'd left, still ignoring Thatcher, barely polite. Thatcher had stood watching Meredith until she was out of sight, an unfathomable expression on his face.

Now, Meredith's tired body couldn't hold out any longer. She drooped against her handbag and slept. Her lashes lay in long fans against her soft alabaster cheeks. A single golden honey strand of hair clung to her bottom lip. Meredith had long since discovered the intern trick of sleeping anywhere, anytime, anyhow.

At first, Meredith's subconscious mind let her rest. Her body molded in an odd S curve to the plastic chair and the wall and handbag behind her. Then, the multiple anxieties of the last few days began to mount and coalesce into part two of Meredith's worst nightmare. A frown flashed across her mobile little face and she moaned softly under her breath. A brick red haze filled Meredith's dream sight and hunger pains racked her small frame. Her body's very real hunger amplified the nightmarish, starvation hunger.

_No, please, let me out... no... no._

She was underground... she couldn't get out. She tried. She chiseled... screamed... dug... banged... pleaded. Nothing helped... nothing. She was trapped... alone, day and night, in the stench filled dark... starving.

"No, no... _help me! Papà_ Guiseppe_!" _Her mind screamed but her voice was barely above a whisper. Meredith was lost in a labyrinth of misery, dark and hungry and cold.

The two chauvinistic old hags who founded and ran the boarding school that Ellis condemned her sixteen year old daughter to, deeply resented a child who was seemingly so spoiled and privileged. They despised Americans, but hypocritically kept it hidden behind polite faces in adult company, since they didn't despise the dollar. They felt the way to create a polite, regimented adult was to crush the teenage spirit, particularly in girls, before any unseemly traits (like a sense of humor) could even begin to form. High spirited Meredith, of course, thought the school a Tower of Torture and the two founders, _Fräulein_ Richter and _Fräulein_ Hoffman, wicked witches.

Richter took deep personal offense over Meredith's multiple, creative escapes from custody. She severely resented the resourcefulness, intelligence, and aplomb the child displayed. Meredith's sadness and grief were seen as character weaknesses. _Fräulein_ Richter and _Fräulein_ Hoffman could not understand Meredith, so they hated her. Each time the girl was returned they escalated the public humiliation and punishment. They used hateful, hurtful rhetoric, going so far as to make Meredith wear a placard around her neck saying in French, Italian and German "détritus, rifiuti, Abfall" (trash, trash, trash). Her musician's hands were caned bloody and then she was made to write thousands of lines in Latin and Greek. Hunger became a constant companion and she learned to ignore her need for food, while she knelt in supposed humble penitence for hours. Her body weight dropped and she experienced her first bout of stomach and intestinal stress. She was isolated, ignored, and despised by virtually everyone at Charon. Until one dark night, Meredith was brought back to the school by two bodyguards, never to see her Italian home again.

_Papà _Guiseppe's father and two of his uncles had finally chosen to confront the impetuous young girl. They had taken turns telling her in harsh Italian that they didn't want her. She wasn't family. She was a selfish, stupid, fatherless brat, who was ruining Guiseppe's life. Moreover, she was costing them a fortune. Her mother was a whore in their eyes, and they wanted her to learn, once and for all, that no one in Rome welcomed her. Go, and never come back, whore's daughter.

Defeated, Meredith had entered her prison, knowing she was here to stay this time. One look at _Fräulein_ Richter's face and Meredith knew the woman was pushed over some invisible edge. Without a word, she cruelly yanked Meredith's arm nearly out of socket, forcing her to follow. Meredith numbly trailed the hag, unable to care about her fate. She would never see her _Papà_ Guiseppe again. She was alone. They wound around and around, deeper and deeper into the bowels of the school, where students weren't allowed. _Fräulein _Richter had the night watchman pry open the door to an unused cellar. She thrust Meredith down the uneven stone steps into the cold, dank, dark and slammed the door shut.

The clang of a gurney rattling over a seam in the floor jerked Meredith awake with a scream.

"Sh, sh, sweetheart, you're safe, I'm with you," Derek gathered his woman into his strong arms and held her close, kissing her soft cheek. At first, when he'd seen her sleeping in such an unlikely configuration, he'd grinned and thought about teasing her with the well known propensity for interns to sleep through anything. Then he realized she was wildly whimpering German in fear. Another nightmare racked her inner landscape. He'd just started towards her when the gurney rattling down the hall woke her abruptly.

"D...Derek? Derek? You're here! You're here with me," Meredith's voice was young and full of tears, "I was all alone."

"Of course I am, where else would I be?" Derek frowned at how trembling cold her body was, "Come on, pretty girl, you're frozen and you must be starved. So am I." Derek gently lifted Meredith to her feet and eased her into her coat. He tucked Meredith under his arm and started walking down the hall to his office.

"Dr. Shepherd, any other orders for Twin B?" Dr. Karev called after him.

Derek paused and swung around, a wide eyed Mer still safely tucked against him.

"No, page Dr. Aramba if there is a need. He's on call tonight," Derek's voice changed slightly, becoming more man to man, less attending to intern, "Meredith was having a nightmare again. The second in two days. Her stepfather has surgery tomorrow. I need to be with her tonight. Page me only after you've exhausted every other avenue if something happens."

"Yes, sir," Alex cocked his head and smiled winningly at Meredith, "Hey, Genie Eyes, it's going to be okay."

"I know, Alex. It wasn't okay. And now it is," Meredith looked trustingly up at Derek.

**This was a rather difficult chapter to write. I like to sit and write from beginning to end of a thought with no interruptions or delays. For this chapter, I was eking out ten minutes here and five minutes there for days, never allowed to finish a single thought completely. I think that resulted in a certain choppiness to the tale that I don't think is usually present in my writing. I tried to smooth it out but am uncertain if it worked.**

**In addition, the subject matter of child abuse is very much something I have worked with daily for years. I didn't expect it to be so hard to write. I didn't expect it would bring up so much emotion for me that I couldn't remain objective about the writing itself. Ugh! I couldn't judge the quality of the story anymore due to the emotions. I hope it still has excellence, because that is important to me.**

**Also, the last episodes of Season 3 have been very disturbing and irritating to a Merek shipper as you all probably know. In my AU, I follow the premise that Derek LOVES Meredith. They are soul mates. They are meant to be together. I know they are Shonda's characters, but aren't they ours too? **


	8. Time Out

**Hey, y'all, tonight is the dreaded finale of GA. I know a lot of my friends are wondering if they are even going to watch season 4. I don't know what will happen tonight, but I do know there will be great fanfics to make it right. This is my little Valentine to other Merek shippers who have been sad lately. I hope you enjoy it.**

Dreams of Love

Chapter 8: Time Out

Derek walked down the hall with his trembling girlfriend protectively tucked under his arm. He was tired. His shoulders and neck burned from the marathon hours he'd put in. Yet, he was very pleased with the results of the surgery. Two men would now have a chance at a relatively normal life. He'd managed to preserve the nerves in both twins to their legs, colon, urinary tracts, and sex organs. He was equally pleased with the performance of his developing surgical team. Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace was becoming the top in the field. His dream of creating a neurosurgical department known for excellence and innovative approaches was being realized quicker than he'd ever imagined. Of course, it helped that two of the sixth year neurosurgical residents only had to see something once before they could do it. Plastics might make more money, but brain surgery brought in world wide prestige. And with Burke making the foolish mistake over his shaky hand, Derek felt back on even footing with him in the Chief's eyes.

He turned his complete attention onto the woman uncharacteristically clinging to him. She had to be exhausted too, to have fallen asleep upright in a rigid plastic chair against the wall. Meredith lay her head tiredly against him. Her slight body shivered with cold and kinesthetic memory. She forced herself to breathe the bad afterimages of the cellar away. She was effective, having done it a thousand times before. She was beyond hungry and her blood sugar had dropped radically. Her head was threatening to throb with a sick hypoglycemic headache. But all Meredith really wanted was to be in her bed, preferably wrapped in her guy's arms.

Derek knew she'd reached the point where she'd tell him she was too tired to chew, so he decided for her, "Food first, Meredith, then we'll sleep. You'll feel better. Do you have a snack with you or do you want me to find something in my office?"

Meredith wordlessly held up her health bar, glaring at it. Derek glanced from it to her expression and chuckled warmly, "Don't worry, pretty girl, I think I have some trail mix left."

He opened his top drawer and extracted a baggie still half filled with nuts, seeds, dried fruit, and chocolate chips. Meredith quickly ditched her health bar in exchange for the trail mix. She greedily stuffed her mouth while Derek amusedly dug for loose change. He bought two V-8 juices from the machine a few feet past his minuscule office. He was starved too. He tore open her discarded health bar and took a bite. Meredith grinned as he grimaced painfully and chewed.

_No wonder she resists eating these things. Sawdust would taste better._

"It's healthy, Derek, you like healthy foods," Derek felt his worry for her lift a little as she came back enough to impishly tease him over a silly health bar. He knew she carried them because of the mega-calorie, mega-nutrient jolt they gave her from just a couple of bites. And she could easily carry one at all times in her pocket. Her metabolism was so high she could eat all day and never gain weight, like a hummingbird. The health bars were practical for a busy intern. It didn't mean she liked them.

Derek closed the door to his office and rapidly pulled off his cross trainers and scrubs. His smooth tanned skin gleamed and heavy muscles rippled under the fluorescent lights. He changed into a pair of soft old jeans and topped them with a royal blue vee-neck sweater. His chest hair just peeked out of the low vee. He stepped into his boots and laced them up while Meredith finished their combined snacks and watched him with undisguised admiration. He was so cute.

"I feel better. Thanks," Meredith's threat of a headache subsided and the shakes were gone. She smiled at Derek, happy to be with him again, "You were great today. That was the most amazing surgery I've ever seen. I wish I could have been on the floor with you."

"Meredith, you're getting there. It amazes me how fast you first years seem to learn everything," Derek eyed Meredith astutely as he shrugged into his leather bomber jacket and gathered his stuff. "So, we visit Guiseppe to say good night. Then I buy you dinner, and we talk about these nightmares," he nodded yes to her and held up his hand when she tried to interrupt with a refusal, "then we go to bed. The surgery has been moved to three in the afternoon, and I've taken the morning off to be with you and Guiseppe. So, we can still sleep in late and have time to do everything. All you need to decide is my place or yours tonight."

"Derek, I'm fine. I don't want to talk about this stuff. It's ancient history," Meredith almost pouted. She'd always taken refuge in silence.

"I want to know what's hurting you, baby. I know just enough German to understand what you were saying in your sleep before the gurney woke you up. Someone did something criminal to you, Meredith, and all these years you've handled it alone. Giordano being here has brought it all back. But... you're not alone anymore," Derek held his hand out to her and waited patiently. He smiled his most charming smile when she resisted for a second then gave in.

"I worry about you when something hurts you, Mer," he clasped her chilled fingers in his warm hand and started towards Guiseppe's room, "You know that."

"It's just that if I talk about it, I have to think about it. And I've spent the last twelve years _not_ thinking about it, Derek. It was so long ago and it's over. Sometimes it's best to be quiet. No one ever knew. No one ever asked. Not even the doctors," she said that last quietly, sadly, mostly to herself.

_That_ drew his sharp gaze to her averted profile. Okay, he definitely wasn't backing down. He wanted to know what the hell had happened to a sixteen year old girl, who had just suffered through a second parental divorce. They rounded the corner to Guiseppe's room and saw Mr. Sandage comfortably ensconced in an armchair playing chess with Giordano.

"Hey!" Meredith lit up at the sight of them, "How are you, _Papà _Guiseppe?" She almost skipped to his side and kissed him on both cheeks, speaking in a flood of Italian. Then she turned to Mr. Sandage and said more formally but just as warmly, "It is so good to see you too, Mr. Sandage. I saw Mrs. Sandage this morning before work when I visited Mom. She looked good."

"Yes, we've had some good days lately, thank you, Dr. Grey." Mr. Sandage's chocolate brown eyes were peaceful with aged wisdom.

"_Bambina_, what have you done? You have sicced a chess shark on me! It has been years since I've had so worthy an opponent," Dr. Giordano watched with a father's approval as Dr. Shepherd brought Meredith a chair to the opposite side of the bed of Mr. Sandage. Then he smiled when Derek covered her legs with an extra blanket and gave her a hot herbal tea from the nurse's station. Giuseppe's heart softened at the look on Meredith's face when she thanked Derek for the tea and chided him for fussing in the same breath.

Giuseppe's _bambina_, Meredith, loved her Derek. It was plain on her face for all to see. Giuseppe met Mr. Sandage's eyes in a significant glance, remembering the opinion the old man had voiced that even though Derek had not been a totally free man when the two met, they were meant to be together now. Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd were soul mates. Mr. Sandage refused to speak further. He had said he didn't want to spread gossip about Dr. Grey.

Derek just leaned over and kissed her mouth to still her objections before sitting on the arm of her chair. She'd gotten too cold in the hall waiting for him. Her exhausted system ran on fumes too much of the time to suit him. The hot drink and blanket would at least warm her up, until he could get her into bed.

"You take good care of our girl, yes?" Derek realized Giordano was asking for more than his words said.

"Yes, I'll take good care of Meredith. I'm in love with her. I've loved her forever. Please don't worry about her." Derek knew Giordano wanted to make sure Meredith was emotionally supported if he died.

"I can take care of myself, _Papà _Guiseppe. You taught me how, remember?" Meredith knew as well as Derek what her _Papà _was doing and she didn't want to acknowledge it. Meredith, the avoider, was in full swing, " _Papà, _do you need anything? May I bring you something? We're heading home now, but we'll be back in the morning."

"_No, tesoro sto benissimo_," Guiseppe was tired so he resorted to his native language, "_Sembri così stanca. Lascia che il tuo ragazzo ti porti a casa e si prenda cura di te. E' un buon uomo. Sono orgoglioso di avere un altro medico nella famiglia," _Giuseppe hinted his wishes to Meredith, "_Ci vediamo domattina._"

("No, sweetheart, I'm fine. You look so tired... Let your boyfriend take you home and take good care of you. He's a good man. I am proud to have another doctor in the family... I'll see you in the morning.")

"_Buona notte_, _Papà._" Meredith wished him goodnight as she blushed and glanced shyly at Derek. Derek merely stroked the length of her shiny hair and smiled, comfortable with the deliberate impression he was giving both Giordano and Sandage. He planned a lifetime with Meredith and he didn't care who knew it.

"_Buona notte, bambina._" Meredith felt her eyes sting with tears as she lay her head on her papa's chest one last time, "_Ti amo._"

"I love you, too, _Papà. _Sleep well" Meredith reached for Derek's hand as she headed for the door, "Night, Mr. Sandage, don't stay too late. Both of you need your rest," they forgave her bossy, mothering tone, knowing she was hiding her worry.

"We'll see you in the morning," Derek nodded to both men as he ushered Meredith from the room. He felt the tension in her hand and smoothed his thumb over her nervous fingers, "I'm going to do my best for him, Meredith, I promise you."

"I know, Derek... I know," the black foreboding of a few days earlier was back in full force. Meredith pushed it away as best she could. She slid her arm around Derek's waist and leaned her head against his chest as they walked out of the hospital.

o-o-o

Later that night under a clear, star-filled sky, Derek grilled steaks and Texas toast on his bar-b-que grill. Meredith listened to the peaceful night sounds of nature while she cut up salad veggies at his deck table. She'd already snapped the ends off fresh asparagus and put them on the tiny stove in the trailer to steam. They'd decided they both needed the peace and solitude of his forty acre retreat so they'd bought groceries and driven out. Meredith had slept in the car with her seat tilted back, the seat warmer on, and music turned on very low. She felt better now. Perhaps she'd be able to explain to Derek a little, without telling too much. Anxiety rumbled in her stomach at the thought of telling too much.

Derek plated the steaks and the toast and went inside to get the asparagus. Meredith finished the salads and set their tiny table. She poured a deep, rich Cabernet from Derek's friend's winery in Napa Valley. They finally sat and ate, talking in a desultory fashion about inconsequential things. Their simple meal was perfect for both of them. Meredith finally sat back with a sigh, replete, lifting her wine to finish it off. She watched Derek lean back in his chair and close his eyes while he rubbed his neck. He'd had an amazing day today and tomorrow he was operating on his girlfriend's stepdad. Meredith didn't want to add her misery to his already full stress load.

She stood up and started clearing the table, trying to think of a way out of telling him her past. He watched her under lowered lids waiting for her to step too close. He knew she'd try to wriggle away. Whatever it was that Meredith had nightmares over had marked her irrevocably for life. It was a trauma that taught her once again to not talk when bad things happen. It taught her that love was fleeting and must be tortuously paid for. It taught her that ultimately she was lost by herself, abandoned by the wayside. He wanted to know exactly what had hurt her and how much of that hurt she was still carrying around. For him to let this slide would be the same as abandoning her in the first place. He wouldn't abandon her.

Meredith finished wiping down their table and started to step away. Derek simply reached out with one long arm and snagged her into his lap. Meredith squealed as she lost her balance and dropped her cloth. Excitement and fun effervesced through her system. If Derek wanted to play, she'd play. He thrilled the fatigue away. She squirmed around in his lap until she could catch handfuls of his black, curly locks and hold him still for her sloppy smooches all over his face. He laughed and slid his warm caressing hand up under her flirty lacy T while he covered her wet mouth with his demanding lips. They tasted the wine they'd just shared, the sex they couldn't get enough of, and the love ever present, as their tongues touched and twined carnally. Meredith moaned low in her throat as she felt the erotic scrape of his whiskers on her soft face. Derek petted her soft skin noticing that even wearing her hoodie and coat she was still too cold to his touch. He stood, sliding her off his lap and catching her around her back.

He dance-walked her backwards deliberately into their home and locked the door. Meredith felt better with the door locked after they'd been invaded by relatives one time. He never forgot and it made her feel safe.

Derek reached around Meredith and turned the thermostat up. He wanted it toasty warm and comfortable. Meredith sat on the side of the bed and started undressing. He watched as she stood to shimmy out of her jeans and couldn't resist closing his hands over the plump globes of her bottom framed in a T-back thong.

Meredith giggled at him as she slid away, "Why, doctor, what are you doing?"

Derek grinned back at her unapologetically and stripped out of his sweater. He hadn't planned it this way, but it was the most natural communication and intimacy they shared. Manlike, he figured they'd start with sex and see where they ended. He fully intended to get to the bottom (he smirked at the pun) of the nightmares.

Meredith smoothed her hands over his rippling belly and up his furry chest. Her palms tingled and her eyelids grew heavy at the feel of his tanned satin skin over firm muscles. She gently teased his small, flat nipples with her thumbs. They tightened at her touch. She looked up into his indigo eyes as he reached around her and cupped her bottom again. His hands gently kneaded the plush flesh. She stretched up and kissed the cleft in his chin, before nibbling his lips and pressing her lower body to the hard evidence of his desire.

Derek loved it when she full-body stropped against him like a sexy cat. He was intoxicated by her soft, sleek fragrant skin and hair. He inhaled deeply, breathing in flowers. He let her tease his body to a fever pitch, loving every minute of it. He slid one finger under her breast and popped it free of her bra. It looked so creamy and luscious he had to have a taste. He hooked an arm behind her back and arched her up towards his mouth. Her raspberry nipple puckered as he closed his lips over it in a hot, wet kiss. Her nipple begged for more, so he couldn't resist licking and suckling it until Meredith mewled in need.

Derek pressed her aching breast to his chest and kissed her mouth instead. He angled her head against his shoulder and plunged his tongue deep into the dark, moist cavern of her soft mouth. He held her still for his penetration, the primal instincts of a dominant male animal in the forefront.

Meredith melted into her lover. She submitted to his need and let him plunder the riches of her mouth. She kissed him back and slid her tongue excitedly into his mouth in return. Their tongues rhythmically stroked each other as Meredith explored Derek's smooth back. The feel of his lower body instinctively pumping slightly against her increased her own lust. Behind his jeans he was hard and hot and ready. She raised onto her toes so she could feel his erection against her own hot feminine core. Her spicy female in need scent made Derek pant and suddenly crouch a little and thrust up hard against her. Derek's arms became like steel bands as his whole body went rigid with need.

He threw his head back as she nuzzled his throat and chest. Meredith licked his nipples stiff, stimulating them into tiny pinpricks. Then she laved his belly, alternately kissing, licking and pseudo-biting his flesh. He pressed her head closer with one hand and kneaded her breast with the other. Her clever fingers frantically unworked his belt clasp and grasped his zipper. She slowly lowered it releasing his turgid length to spring up and away from his body. She slid his jeans and shorts down in one smooth move licking her lips over the bounty in front of her.

Meredith gave him a tiny push to the soft chair behind him and he obeyed her unspoken wish that he sit on the edge. She stuffed a pillow behind his back and gave another tiny shove. He lay back against the pillow with his head resting on the back of the chair. He watched her with lustful hooded eyes, his mouth dry, and his legs splayed open. Meredith bent over at the waist, unhooking her bra and easing it off her passion flushed breasts. Derek watched their pendulous swing and a tiny droplet of fluid formed on the broad tip of his sex.

"Meredith," he groaned.

She half turned and looked over her shoulder at him, while she hooked her thumbs under the teeny straps of her thong and eased it down her legs. She posed sideways with her bottom out and her breasts swaying, deliberately giving him a sweet sexy view.

He groaned again and made a move like he was going to get up.

"Sh, no," she soothed and let a sultry smile cross her lips.

Meredith knelt between his legs on the floor and licked his inner thigh in one swipe from the knee to his groin. Derek groaned again and resisted grabbing her head and forcing her to his hot throbbing need. Her hair swept sparkles of electricity across his legs and penis over and over as she licked and nibbled and kissed his body, never quite getting to his need, delighting in teasing him.

"_Baby, please_," he finally asked for mercy and gasped in relieved ecstasy when her hot, wet mouth closed over him. She sucked strongly working more and more of him into her mouth. He closed his hands around the sides of her face and watched her. At that moment she looked up at him. Her eyes had deepened to a mysterious grey green and her long black lashes fanned slowly casting shadows on her alabaster cheeks while she suckled. She was the most beautiful erotic creature he'd ever seen in that moment.

He tightened his hand on her face and eased her back. He knew she was generous enough to finish this way, just for him, if he let her. But, he wanted to meet her needs too. She was lost in pleasuring him and didn't want to stop. She made a moue of disappointment at him when he insisted. Her disgruntled face made him chuckle warmly at her and kiss her firmly, determined to have his way. He stood up on shaky legs and pulled her up with him to the bed. They yanked the comforter back and fell in. Derek opened the top drawer of his nightstand and got a condom. He unrolled it onto his penis and flipped over onto her.

The feel of her soft femininity under Derek nearly undid him, she had loved him so well. He held on and drew a deep breath as he dipped his fingers in the honey between her legs, and gently rubbed her clitoris with his thumb while easing two fingers inside her. Meredith whimpered wildly and thrashed her head back and forth, lifting and trying to grind harder against him. Their mutual passion escalated and the two of them almost fumbled together to link themselves. She quivered violently as he found purchase and pushed his velvet length into her depths. She raised one knee up and flattened the other forcing him to stimulate her clitoris as well as her vagina with every thrust.

"Derek... please... love me," her mind was lost in a fervid orange sexual mist. Love and lust combined as he rocked within her, exploding in wave after wave of ecstasy. He kissed her deeply and plucked her raspberry nipple gently, sending further waves through her sensitized body.

Meredith stroked his satin back from his shoulder to his hip. She grabbed a handful of his right buttock and kneaded it in rhythm with his almost desperate thrusts. Her body spasmed repeatedly in multiple orgasms. Her fingernails pricked him just enough for stimulation. They weren't long enough to truly scratch him. Suddenly it all came together for him. Derek's head arched back and his eyes slammed closed as his body skyrocketed with delirious delight.

"Oh... my... God."

Meredith wrapped both arms and both legs around him refusing to let him shift off of her. She held on with all her strength needing to preserve this moment of intimacy – taking a kinesthetic, emotional snapshot of their love. He held her just as tightly, still rocking gently within her, letting her inner muscles milk every drop from him.

Derek raised his head and looked at her. He just looked at her, his body still united with hers. Strong emotions overflowed his control. Tears slowly filled his indigo eyes until they flooded. First one, then another slid silently down his face. Meredith's green eyes filled with love and then concern. He stroked the hair away from her lovely face as she tenderly kissed the tears from his lean cheeks one after the other.

"My love?" for the first time in her life Meredith used the endearment.

"Yes, I am. And you are my love too. I didn't think I'd ever find you. I thought what I had with Addison was all I'd ever have in this life. I was so lonely and sad before, my beautiful girl. All I really had was work, a few friends, and family duty. It was good, but it wasn't enough," Derek kissed her rosy lips again and again, "I love you. I want a lifetime and beyond with you. Nothing will ever change that."

"I know. I really know that, my love. I trust you," Meredith reassured him and loved him. She'd share her miserable story of Charon with him if that is what he wanted. She was willing to give him anything he asked because she did trust him.

**Thank you, all who feed my absolute obsession with reviews. You rock. Am teaching a seminar all day, every day for the next four days so won't have an update for a week I think. See you again then.**


	9. The Cellar

**Thank you for reading and reviewing. I absolutely love to hear from you. I had some sleepless time so thought I'd get this out sooner than planned**.

Dreams of Love

Chapter 9: The Cellar

Meredith gently stroked Derek's curly hair away from his temple as he lay with his head pillowed on her breast. They were so close, heart and body and soul, after their passionate encounter. The air was still scented with their love. She knew he was exhausted and desperately needed to sleep. She also knew he wouldn't put his needs above her own. He thought she needed to speak about the Swiss boarding school that she'd attended as a teenager, so he'd sit up all night if he had to, until she was ready to tell him. Meredith drew a deep breath and decided to brave it. She couldn't, wouldn't, make Derek pry it out of her. He deserved the truth about her, no matter how shameful.

"I was a kid, just a spoiled kid," she said softly. He looked up at her and the corners of his mouth turned ever so slightly upwards. Meredith had come around.

"I was sixteen and had it all, really. I lived in a Roman palace, wore designer clothes, attended the finest international school, drove a red _Ferrari, _and for the first time in my life had loving friends and family, I thought. I wasn't alone. For three years and a few months everything was okay. Of course it didn't last. I should have known."

"Mom divorced _Papà _and I was sent to Switzerland. I ran away... over and over... trying to get back home. Well you know what happened. What you don't know, what _Papà _doesn't know is that _Papà _Guiseppe's father and uncles confronted me one night after I was caught trying to sneak back to him. I finally got it that I couldn't go back... ever." Derek heard what she didn't say. They must have been brutal to squelch any hope in the young girl. Derek nuzzled his face higher into her throat, breathing in the perfume of her flesh, spicy sweet from their lovemaking, "But it was too late."

"_Fräulein _Richter was her name," Meredith's voice lowered to a whisper as if she spoke profanity, and she clutched at his gleaming bare shoulder for strength, "She was really angry... almost insane with it... the last time I tried to go home. I'd done it so often, no matter what they did to me... they were mean, maybe I should say cruel... I still went home," Meredith remembered being a scared sixteen year old hitch-hiker in the Alps. She remembered bribing a cleaning lady to get the lady's son to drive her home. She remembered walking and taking the train. She remembered climbing walls and fences in the dark. And she remembered, on one occasion, stealing a horse and riding him as far as she could, "My mother was furious. I heard _Fräulein_ Hoffman tell _Fräulein_ Richter that my mother told them to use any means necessary to get me to stay put. I was just a child. It was their job, after all, to teach me lessons," Meredith's soft voice dripped bitterness, "I finally learned my lesson."

Derek piled pillows up behind him so he could semi-sit sideways facing her, "What did they do?"

Meredith gulped air. The darkness in the little trailer started closing in. The edges of her body numbed away and she could no longer tell her physical boundaries. Even her tongue felt numb.

_Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay._

Derek sat up in alarm. What the hell had just happened? Meredith's skin was icy cold again and her face was stark white. Her eyes were opened extra wide and she stared at nothing. Mer trembled and brushed at her hair ineffectually with shaking hands. She struggled to give Derek words. He wanted words. He didn't understand that she had been trained her whole life to be silent when bad things happen. No one had ever wanted her to say anything. She'd never before spoken of ... Even in her mind her tongue was locked.

"Meredith! It's alright, baby. What in the world happened to you?" Derek gathered her tightly into his arms warming her chilled flesh. He pulled their comforter over both of them and snuggled her in a warm cocoon. Derek's strong heart beat under her ear, its regular rhythm soothing her and bringing her back into her present day adult world.

"I... I told them... I wouldn't leave again. I told them I wasn't ever returning to Rome. They didn't believe me and... they had to keep me there... Mom had promised them a huge bonus if they kept me out of her way while she started a new job so... so they kept me." Meredith looked into Derek's eyes then and something deep inside his eyes gave her the courage to speak, "They kept me in an old cellar under the Chalet... for a long time."

Silence. Dead silence filled the trailer. Meredith wildly sought something to say. Her tongue froze and she glanced miserably up at him.

It was Derek's turn to be white faced. Thin white lines bracketed his mouth as he ground his teeth together. Meredith had never seen that expression on his face before.

"How long?" he asked finally.

"What?"

"How... long?"

"Just... the first three days were the worst when I had no light and no heat..."

"No light. No heat? HOW... LONG?"

"Six or seven... months, maybe." Meredith had never felt more ashamed in her life, ashamed that someone else knew the degradation of her life, "I lived there until I got too sick. Then they had to let me go. My mother sent a plane ticket to the hospital."

Derek simply stared at her in utter disbelief. Meredith Grey had spent six months locked in a cellar? When she was sixteen? What the ...? Derek's blood began to boil.

"Where the hell was Ellis?!"

"Derek, it's alright, that was a long time ago. My mother never knew. I couldn't tell her. It was my own fault because I kept running away, that's all." Meredith did what many survivors of trauma learned to do. She minimized and she blamed herself. They were techniques people used so they could get on with life during and after abuse.

"It wasn't your fault! How sick were you? What was wrong?"

"I was thin and I finally got an upper respiratory infection – then pneumonia, from the cold and damp conditions. They told the doctors I was so thin because I had anorexia, I guess. I was really only thin because there wasn't much food."

Derek's indigo eyes turned black with fury.

"They said it was because I was sad, about losing the Giordanos, I mean. It was true. I really was sad. I didn't talk anymore. There was nothing to say. No one questioned it. _Fräulein_ Hoffman and _Fräulein_ Richter didn't tell them that they gave me almost nothing to eat in the cellar. I don't really think about it any more. I... I'm okay, really. Don't be mad, okay? Okay? Don't be mad." Meredith frantically tried to ratchet down Derek's pain and anger on her behalf. People didn't get angry because of her. It made her too uncomfortable.

Derek's razor sharp mind sorted through what Meredith had said and what she didn't say. He suspected there was more, six or seven months more to talk about, but he doubted his control. He didn't want to start releasing his own reaction to her past when he could see she was barely hanging on now. Enough. Enough for now. God!

"So, the nightmares that you've been having are about the cellar? And about that woman?" Derek needed it straight in his mind, "Not about the surgery? Possibly losing Giordano again?"

"No, I am worried about the surgery but it doesn't give me nightmares," Meredith's respirations accelerated again, "It is that place. It has been haunting me again. That's all. The color was so ugly, Derek, it was a horrible old rusty brownish maroon red brick. It was the color of dead dried blood, the color of torture, the color of pain. It was the color of Charon's uniforms. I hate that color." She said that last almost to herself, quietly, softly.

"Meredith, you don't have to be afraid anymore. We're together now. You and me. We're making a team," he didn't dare use the word "family" yet. He also couldn't forget her violent physical reaction to even the thought of that place, that event, before she regained control over herself.

"I know. I really am okay now. I feel better being with you than I have my whole life. Switzerland is far away and long over," Meredith wanted that to be true, but stuffing and avoiding hurtful things never really healed them.

"Okay, enough for now," Derek clicked the remaining light out. He wrapped his arms around her and settled her against him for sleep. He gently traced a pattern over the bare skin of her back. Gradually Meredith's exhausted body succumbed to sleep. She relaxed and became heavier against him, her warm, moist breath tickling his neck.

Derek closed his eyes and tried not to picture what a grief stricken young girl had endured in silence. For twelve years she'd been silent. He softly stroked his girl and waited for his own righteous anger to drain enough to sleep.

_Dark and twisty, indeed_, he thought. He was a healer, a peaceful man, but if he ever had a chance to confront some of these people he didn't know what he'd do. Meredith sighed his name in her sleep. He kissed her lips and slid further down into their comfortable bed so he could finally give in to sleep.

**Unfortunately, I know people who have been hurt similarly – so yeah, the story is based on truth. I think the way Meredith acts most of the time is indicative of child abuse. I don't know if that is exactly what Shonda had in mind about Mer, but that is how I see it.**


	10. Wait

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 10: Wait**

Derek woke to the delicious aroma of coffee brewing and and bacon frying. He smiled to himself. Meredith didn't cook. She still maintained that. Yet, with common sense, she was able to put simple meals on the table whenever she wanted. He strongly suspected if she ever really wanted to cook she could learn fairly easily. He stretched out his back and neck and groaned. He was still stiff from yesterday's surgery.

"Good morning," Meredith said hesitantly from the narrow doorway, shyly looking at him to see if he behaved differently towards her this morning.

"Good morning, it smells wonderful in here," Derek rolled out of bed and headed for the lavatory, kissing her on the top of the head as he squeezed by. She took advantage of the tight space by giving his naked rump an impertinent pat. Derek looked over his shoulder at her and grinned when she wrinkled her nose at him.

"Breakfast first, then a shower," she called through the door, "It's nearly ready."

"Okay."

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't changed. He treated her the same as before, instead of keeping his distance from the crazy, caged girl. Mer rubbed the back of her hand over her face and sighed again. She'd been silly this morning, worrying about it. Unhappiness drained from her heart, lightening her load.

The timer dinged on the oven and Meredith quickly scrambled eggs and poured them into a hot pan. She gently scraped the eggs from the bottom and sides of the pan over and over as they cooked. She slid an oven mitt on and pulled out a pan of biscuits. Meredith made two plates up with bacon and eggs, biscuits and cantaloupe, and set them on the tiny table. She poured orange juice for Derek and water for herself before calling him to the table. He slid into his booth seat wearing only a ragged sweatshirt and equally ragged jeans. Meredith was amused that a man who could afford five star restaurants and brand new BMW's could still find comfort in ragged clothes in a ragged trailer. She poured coffee for both of them and seated herself. Derek smiled at how daintily she slid into the bench seat. One moment she was as tough as nails and the next she was as delicate as flower petals.

"So how are you this morning?" Derek asked, "You're up early. I thought you'd sleep in." He carefully did not mention that she had cooked breakfast for him – not just poured cereal – cooked. Inwardly, he smiled at her attempt to take care of him.

"It's the intern thing. We get accustomed to hardly sleeping," Meredith reminded him of what he already knew, "And I'm okay, considering. I called Tyler, _Papà's _night nurse, already. _Papà _Giuseppe had a good night. He'll be ready for the surgery. Then I spoke to _Papà _in person. Derek, he was making jokes on the phone! What is wrong with him?" She shook her head as she speared a chunk of melon. She knew that some patients reacted to pre-surgery jitters by becoming too jovial. She just didn't want to see it, Derek thought.

They stayed quiet through the rest of the meal, each occupied by his own thoughts. Then Meredith cleared the table and began washing the dishes. She waved aside his offer to help and urged him to have a second, more relaxed cup of coffee. Derek iced his sore neck and drank his coffee while looking out the window at the fabulous lakeside morning view.

Unbidden pictures of Meredith, a slender, budding sixteen year old girl, being forced to live locked in a basement for months, starving, surfaced in his mind's eye. His temper boiled again. He carefully kept his face averted from Meredith, not wanting to stir anything else up for her on the day of Guiseppe's surgery. Then he realized they'd slept through the night without a nightmare. A part of his tension relaxed somewhat. Meredith was feeling safer. Meredith finished her chores and then slid in next to him lifting his arm and ducking under it.

"Hey," he said softly as he dropped his arm around her narrow shoulders and kissed her soft upturned lips, "thanks for breakfast." She snuggled into his hug, loving the feel of his warm, hard chest, and just needing to be close to him for a minute.

"You're welcome." They stayed there, still and quiet, holding each other gently, letting the peaceful lake uplift them. Meredith sipped coffee from Derek's cup and let herself mentally drift. Finally, Derek turned and urged Meredith out of the tiny booth seat. He stretched out his neck and back again and headed for the shower.

o-o-o

They drove to the hospital while it was still quite early. Meredith was becoming anxious to see _Papà _Giuseppe in person. She needed to hold his hand, speak about Rome in Italian and, most of all, remember everything he'd taught her in the short time they had.

Anxiety was beginning to claw at her guts and choke her throat. Meredith knew the odds Guiseppe faced. She tried to ignore her inner negative voice and focus on something positive, but for the life of her she couldn't. She picked at the cuff of her sleeve absently, trying to distract herself.

_Papà _Giuseppe was in great spirits. He joked with Derek and teased the nurses. He gathered Meredith in the crook of his arm and stroked her hair. Derek lounged in a plastic chair and acted as if he had all the time in the world to visit with family. Between them Derek and Guiseppe managed to quiet many of Meredith's misgivings. When the time came for Guiseppe to be wheeled into surgery Meredith walked with him to the OR door.

"_Papà, ti amo. __Li aspetterò a destra qui, bene? State andando essere fini. State andando essere fini._" Meredith assured him that she'd be waiting for him right there. She repeated twice more that he would be fine. She didn't want to let go of his hand. Finally, Guiseppe kissed the back of her hand and let go himself. The scrub nurses took advantage of the moment and wheeled him away leaving Meredith standing bereft in the hallway with the doors swinging shut in her face.

"Dr. Grey, what are you doing up here?" asked a familiar authoritarian voice.

Meredith turned slowly to face Dr. Bailey, "I wanted to walk with..."

"You are the family, not the doctor. Go wait in the waiting room. You stay away from these doors and this hallway. I mean it," Bailey was firm, not unkind, determined to protect Dr. Grey from her own folly.

Meredith wandered down the corridor looking down, blind to everything but her inner landscape. She stepped to the side when she realized she was about to run into a man in dark trousers and shiny black shoes. The man sidestepped with her, blocking her path. She looked up and stared into the dark chocolate eyes of _Papà _Giuseppe's father _Nonno_ Armando. Flanking him were his two younger brothers, Marco and Paolo, _Papà _Giuseppe's uncles. Meredith froze and stared in shock. The horrible memories of her last encounter with these three men surfaced and danced in front of her eyes. She'd been a scared, confused, heartbroken sixteen year old. They'd been impatient and ruthless.

"Meredith Grey, _dove è Giuseppe?_" asked the hawk featured old man with no preamble.

"He... he's in surgery," Meredith's tongue stumbled over itself. Her numb brain tried for coherency.

"What? He has gone ahead with this madness?! He is throwing away what life he has left. You should have stopped him!" exclaimed _Zio_ Marco, "You are a doctor yourself now, yes? He told us you were here when he phoned us yesterday."

"Why didn't you stop him?!" demanded _Zio_ Paolo.

"He wanted..." Meredith, at a loss, started to reply.

"Dr. Grey, who are these gentlemen?" asked a firm voice. Meredith sighed in relief.

"Dr. Bailey, this is Dr. Giordano's father and uncles," Meredith said simply.

"You must leave this floor at once. No one is allowed on this floor except authorized personnel. Please come with me. I will show you to a designated waiting area," Dr. Bailey ushered everyone to one of the surgical waiting rooms. Even the Giordanos _en masse_ were no match for Dr. Bailey.

"Please, can you explain to me what is going on?" asked Guiseppe's formidable father, "The doctors at home said the tumor was inoperable. Who is this Dr. Shepherd? Why does he think he can operate when no one else can?"

Dr. Bailey and Dr. Grey exchanged glances.

"Dr. Shepherd is one of the foremost, innovative neurosurgeons in this country. He believes there is a small chance that he can remove the tumor and save Dr. Giordano's life," Bailey's face softened at the naked anguish she saw on the old man's face, "I have seen what Dr. Shepherd has been able to do in the past, sir. I believe your son is in the best hands possible."

"If _Papà _Giuseppe just called you yesterday, you must have been traveling ever since. The surgery won't be over for many hours. There is time for you to go to a hotel and rest," Meredith added tentatively, "I can call you if we receive any news early."

"No, I wish to stay here," said _Nonno_ Armando stubbornly.

"Come," said Marco, "We can do nothing now. We were too late. He refused to listen to our opinions on the phone and he wouldn't have listened if we'd gotten here earlier."

"Let's do as she suggests and rest at the hotel. I, for one, am exhausted," said Paolo.

Without another word to Meredith the three men argued amongst themselves until they'd reached a decision and left without a backward glance. Paolo strode back a minute later and handed Meredith a business card with his cell service number on it.

"If anything changes, call this number," he said coldly.

"Alright," Meredith said softly as he left before she could answer.

Dr. Bailey touched Meredith's knee as they sat diagonal to each other, expressing her support.

"It's going to be a long day," Meredith sighed.

"It is, that," said Bailey, rising to attend to everything else on her agenda, "Are you going to be okay here?"

"Yes, of course, I'm fine," Meredith hastened to assure her even though her insides were quivering with emotion and stress. Bailey eyeballed her up and down and appeared satisfied enough with what she saw to leave Meredith alone in the waiting room.

Meredith sat on a couch cross legged. Her hands rested limply in her lap. Her shiny honey hair lay in wings against her face as she stared down at her useless hands. There was nothing she could do. So much of her life there was nothing she could do. Depression swept over her. _Nonno_ and her two _zios_ hadn't even said hello to her. They hadn't really acknowledged her in any way, nothing had changed there over the last twelve years. What had she expected? Still, _Papà _Giuseppe had come to Seattle. That meant something.

"Mer, Bailey asked me to keep you informed," Alex Karev poked his head in the waiting room, "Your sister's baby is in distress. We have to go back in. Dr. Montgomery is operating in OR 5. I'm on my way there now. Gotta go." Alex ducked out as fast as he'd ducked in.

Meredith stared at the air where Alex had been. _What? _Meredith stood and paced hugging her arms around her middle. She paced to the window and then back to the coffee maker. Over and over, round and round. _Guiseppe couldn't die. Please don't die. Please don't die. Please don't die. The baby was so little. Laura can't die. Please don't die. Please don't die. _Then Mer remembered George's dad, who was also in surgery today for the removal of the esophageal tumors. _Please don't die. Please don't die._

Meredith stopped, unable to endure any more. She determinedly headed for the OR 5 gallery. She edged to the front of the gallery and peered down on the surgery below. She watched as Montgomery and her surgical team rallied around the baby dealing with a small emergency.

"How is it going?" asked the Chief at her elbow.

"Good, they had a scare, but they handled it."

"Thatcher is pacing a hole in the floor out there. He'd probably like to hear how she is doing from you," the Chief commented quietly.

"No, he has never wanted to hear from me," Meredith replied in a matter-of-fact voice, "Did you operate on Mr. O'Malley this morning?"

The Chief nodded.

"How is he?"

"We did the best we could in the surgery. Mr. O'Malley is in critical condition and his prognosis is poor. George will need his friends over the next few days." Meredith stared at the Chief reading between the lines. Poor George.

Meredith headed for OR 1, Derek's OR, to check on Guiseppe. Cristina stepped in her path and deflected her into the nurse's substation.

"Where are you going, Mer?" asked Cristina.

"Cristina, I just want to see how the surgery is going for Guiseppe. I won't stay long, I promise," Meredith said earnestly.

"No, Meredith. You can't go in there. You can't distract Shepherd and you can't look inside your stepfather's brain. That is just too creepy." Cristina declared.

"I just want to see..."

"No, Mer."

"But..."

"No, come on." Cristina guided Meredith away from the ORs, "You have to wait with us until Shepherd pages you. You know that."

Meredith let herself be led away, knowing that Cristina was right. She went down the food court with Cristina and settled with hot tea and Izzie, Cristina and Tolliver at a table. Her friends kept up a lively banter helping Meredith relax. Meredith waited for Derek's page, anxiety edging her world.

**I wrote this in answer to Cassie 1550's comment (and I thank her so much for making me think about this): **

**Yes, it is difficult to write. I think that is why I moved it away from Acts. It is an angst-romance rather than a romance-drama. It has a different flavor, yet it has been Meredith's back story for me from the beginning. **

**It is why I think she is my favorite. She reps all of the peeps who have been twisted by fate and outside forces and who go on to save lives and serve others, at great expense to themselves, in spite of long odds. Meredith is a wounded healer like so many healers. **

**This story is also about how Derek won't run away just because something hard comes up. He is a strong, grown man, darn it! Not a coward. Meredith trusts him with her secrets - even her secret shame. He is worthy of her love. Also, she loves him enough to be willing to get over her stuff – or to at least try.**

**It is about the beauty in life (like great sex, love, easy dinners, friendships) going on even when awful stuff is happening too. It is about how a privileged person like Meredith can also be a very underprivileged person and how those two opposing forces show up in her characteristics and relationships and self-esteem.**


	11. Clean Steam

Dreams of Love

Chapter 11: Clean Steam

Meredith lurked behind huge stainless steel racks in the NICU decked out in cap, mask and sterile gown. She peered through the hood of an incubator to check on her father's granddaughter. Laura waved a weak fist and Meredith's heart contracted. The baby had survived her second emergency surgery in just a few days of life. She was tough, a true Grey.

_You are going to be okay now, little girl,_ Meredith thought reassuringly as she chewed her bottom lip nervously. _You have a lot of family who love you. Don't worry._

Meredith's pager finally beeped. She startled out of her abstraction to quickly shed her sterile drapery. She brushed a hand through her layered honey hair and ran for OR 1. Derek must have paged her from the scrub room. Meredith pushed through the doors and struggled to get her air back as Derek finished scrubbing after surgery. He dried his hands and opened his arms to her. She flew into them wrapping her arms around his lean waist. He held her close and gently rocked her back and forth, crooning to her.

"How is my _Papà_, Derek?"

"He survived the surgery. I think I got all of the tumor. We won't know more than that until he wakes up. My residents are closing now so he won't be in post-op for another couple of hours." Derek pulled off his sweat soaked ferryboat patterned scrub cap. His black hair curled wildly against his temples.

"_Papà _Guiseppe's father and uncles are here in the waiting room. They arrived just after the surgery started. Will you come speak with them? They are so worried."

"And you? How are you? Did you manage to make yourself sick with worry?" Derek stroked her soft hair from her pretty face.

"It was bad at first. Then Molly's baby needed emergency surgery and George was freaking out over his dad. Cristina is fighting some kind of weird, silent war with Burke. There was too much going on to lose it," Meredith rubbed her face against his hand.

"Did you talk with your dad?"

"No, there was nothing to say, but I saw him there. He was pacing back and forth and talking to Susan and Molly on the cell phone," Meredith felt the strange ambivalence again over her father. She wanted him to both be present for her and to go away and never come back. Her feelings were so mixed she didn't know how to categorize them or deal with them. Derek sadly watched the myriad of emotions she had about her dad twist across her face.

"Addison was brilliant with Laura, of course, and Alex is taking care of her in the NICU now. George's dad isn't doing very well. I talked to the Chief. I don't think it's likely he'll make it. Poor George is not good. He's falling apart," Meredith laid her head down on Derek's upper chest. The muscular pad of his pectoral cushioned her face. Derek held her tighter letting her take what comfort she could from his strong embrace.

"Let me go talk to Giordano's family, and then I have to eat. I'm starving. Have you eaten?" Derek knew the answer before he asked.

"No, I waited for you. I didn't have an appetite before," she answered predictably.

Derek took Meredith's hand in his and walked with her to the lounge where the Giordanos waited. Just before they entered, Meredith dropped his hand and stepped back, fading into dull smallness, losing her sparkle and liveliness. Silence cloaked her. She stepped slightly sideways so that she was mostly hidden from view by Derek's frame as they entered the room. Derek, focused on the family, didn't notice Meredith's shrinkage at first.

"Hello, I am Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Giordano's surgeon. Dr. Grey says that you are Dr. Giordano's family," He smiled personably. Then he noticed Meredith making herself as small as she could. _What the hell? _Then he remembered. These were the men who had shut the door in Meredith's face. They had had no compassion for a sad sixteen year old. He felt the smile slip from his face and his temper start to climb. It didn't matter that it had all happened twelve years ago. His beautiful girl still bore the scars from these apes mishandling the situation. They'd made sure she had no one to turn to when the boarding school turned ugly. He fought to maintain a professional demeanor when he really wanted to punch someone out. His face turned icy cold in an instant.

"You arrived just in time," Derek said, seemingly sincere, "Meredith has been desperately concerned for the only true father she has ever known. I'm sure it was an enormous comfort to her to have her grandfather and uncles close when she needed their support. I'm sure you took very good care of her while we were in surgery," his voice ended with a sarcastic undertone.

He deliberately reached out to Meredith and tucked her chilly form against his warm body, under his arm. He ignored her slight embarrassed resistance. She was his. He was proud of her. He wanted these men to know that Meredith wasn't alone anymore. She was the woman of his dreams and he was on her side unconditionally.

For a moment the Giordanos were shocked – only now realizing the relationship between Meredith and Guiseppe's surgeon. Then they rallied their senses, ignored Meredith, and sharply questioned Dr. Shepherd. He answered what he could, but there was nothing anyone could do now but wait. They'd all have to wait for Guiseppe to be brought to post-op and then for him to regain consciousness. Derek had done the best he could and the patient was still alive. That was the only thing he could say.

Derek abruptly ended the discussion and left, taking Mer with him. He was hungry and tired and stiff. And he didn't feel like playing nice with those jackasses one more minute. He looked down at his girl.

"Shower or food first?" he asked.

"Which do you need first, Derek? I'm fine," she deferred to him, unaware that her eyes were still full of lasting old pain.

"Shower first then, come on." Derek pulled Meredith at a rapid pace through surgical to the attending locker room. He opened his locker, grabbing clothes, docksiders, and his kit bag. Then he headed out the door.

"Derek, where are we going?" Meredith was mystified. She'd thought she would wait for him in the food court.

"You'll see," he said, all smug. He waved to Head Nurse Debbie and pointed to an empty patient room. Debbie nodded and a small smile cracked her granite countenance as she watched McDreamy pull Dr. Grey into the bathroom of the empty room.

"Derek, we can't be in here! What are you doing?!" she gurgled in surprise when he locked the door and then lifted her misty green sweater off over her head. He gently cupped her soft breast in his palm and looked into her eyes.

"This is the only place to get a private shower and right now that is exactly what I most need. And as much as I need a shower, I need you. I need you with me, touching me, holding me – I'll even let you scrub my back, if you want," he grinned boyishly at her and reached to unzip her cords.

Meredith could deny him nothing. She pushed away the ever present anxiety and focused on Derek. Meredith kicked off her clogs and stood in her peach satin edged with black lace matching cami and panties. She noticed how much he enjoyed the view. She couldn't help smiling shyly at him. The clinical surroundings did nothing to dampen the enthusiasm in his eyes. He had kidnapped her into a patient bathroom to play. God help her if Bailey ever found out.

As head of neuro bringing in millions of dollars and massive prestige to Grace, Derek could just about do whatever he liked. Sometimes he forgot she was still a lowly intern. She often paid Bailey's price tag for her love life. It was so worth it, she mused, as she looked at her guy.

Derek turned on the spray and adjusted the temperature to hot. He needed it on his neck and back. Meredith's hands slid around his waist and pulled the drawstring on his scrubs. He let her suggestively dip her fingers into the waistband and ease his pants and boxers down his legs. He hastily kicked off his cross trainers and willingly stepped out of his pants when she lowered them far enough. He shed his scrub shirt and the black long sleeved T-shirt underneath in one motion. He stepped under the hot spray with a great sigh of relief.

Meredith slipped out of her sexy peach wisps and into his arms. She pulled the opaque curtain tightly closed around them. Steam billowed over her skin warming her even as Derek hogged the overly hot water. Derek closed his eyes in relief as the pounding heat melted the kinks out of his neck and back. He held Meredith to him and relaxed further. He was in a hot shower with his love in his arms. Everything was right with his world.

Meredith lay still against him, her arms around his waist and her face tickled by his chest hair. She moved an inch and lapped a wet drop trickling down his chest. He opened his slumberous eyes to look into hers. They stood under the hot spray, lost in each other, forever.

Then Meredith took Derek's soap in her hands and lathered his chest and arms. She washed her hands up his sides to his arm pits and down to his hips, over his belly and chest and around his shoulders. The spicy masculine fragrance Meredith most associated with Derek filled the air. She inhaled the rich aroma deeply, in sensual delight. She wet his soap again and lathered each of his arms massaging his clever hands and fingers.

Derek indulgently watched her fierce frown of concentration as she moved on to his thighs and legs and feet. Obediently he turned around when she tapped his leg. She soaped him from his feet to his neck using long firm sweeps of her hands. He ducked his head under the water and washed his hair while he let her drive him to distraction with her touch. Meredith massaged his back hard, the way he liked. He arched in relief against her firm hands. While Derek rinsed his hair and turned the water cooler, Meredith washed and conditioned her own hair.

"Hey, pretty girl, it's my turn now," he murmured to her, standing semi-sideways to the spray. Derek lathered his hands and reached for her, gently soaping her belly and sides. As always, he played with Meredith's platinum and emerald belly hoop. After he rinsed her, he leaned down and kissed her there, exactly where she was pierced. Then he swirled his tongue into her shallow navel licking rivulets of waters from her tummy while she giggled.

Derek soaped his hands again and slid them up under Meredith's breasts lifting them on the sides of his hands until their ripe raspberry tips tilted up towards his lips. He gave each tip a gentle nip with lip covered teeth making Meredith give tiny startled yelps. Her beautiful breasts felt indescribably delicious to him when he covered them in creamy lather while squeezing and plumping. While he indulged himself playing with her breasts Meredith reached out and grabbed hold of his narrow waist just above his hip bones. She tilted her head back, closing her eyes as sensation swamped her. She let the water pour in a waterfall over her face and hair. Derek kissed her eyes and then her mouth, darting his tongue against her lips asking for entry. She opened her mouth and let him in. He gently, deeply penetrated her soft mouth angling his head for the most contact. She tasted so sweet; felt so soft.

Meredith let her head fall back. Derek swept her throat with kisses, sucking and nibbling all his favorite hollows. She smelled glorious – hot woman combined with French sophisticate marked with his own scent. He paused a moment to reach through the curtain for a condom from his kit. It was now or never, he thought, as he rolled it on.

Derek slid his soapy hands around her body to her back, hugging her to him while he washed her back and luscious bottom. Meredith sensuously rubbed her sudsy breasts against his chest while standing on tiptoe. His hard length pressed rigidly into her soft belly and she mewled in her throat. Derek pressed his knee between her thighs, separating them, and letting her ride his hair roughened thigh until her breath sawed with need.

Derek knelt between her legs and buried his face in her feminine notch. His sharp stubble scraping her sensitive inner thighs was almost unbearably erotic. She stuffed her fist in her mouth hard to keep from shrieking when his warm tongue found her tender, excited clitoris. Meredith clutched two fists of his silky hair and hung on, her back arching and her thighs trembling when he sucked and tongue flicked her to an explosive release. Then Mer did shriek. She couldn't help it. She was lost to everything but the pleasure her dreamy man was giving her. He stood and covered her mouth with his own, swallowing her scream and supporting her caving body.

Derek gave her a single moment before he murmured in her ear, "Baby, I'm going to lift you up, okay?" He cupped an arm under Meredith's bottom.

"Mm hm. Derek... I need you now... please... I can't wait..." her voice was breathless with the paradox of both fulfillment and longing.

Derek lifted her and braced her back against the tiled wall. Meredith wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. Meredith was completely open and vulnerable to his entry, her feminine center thickly creamy and ready. One arm held her steady while he positioned himself. He finally thrust up as he jerked her down. Meredith threw her head back in breathless delight at her sudden fullness. They both moaned in ecstasy. Derek held Meredith still for a moment as her inner core adjusted to his size. He groaned when she couldn't help squeezing down hard on him. She shuddered in absolute carnal gluttony for him. Her wet hair slapped across his face as she tossed her head to the side unable to stop moving, gasping in the steamy air. Warm water cascaded over his shoulder and added another sensual dimension.

He couldn't wait anymore. Together they dove into a mindless ride. Sexual ecstasy raced through their bodies, mounting higher and higher. Derek felt like he couldn't get enough of her; her taste, her feel, her tongue, her dripping heat. Meredith's blissed out moans vibrated against him peaking his nipples and rippling his belly. His body hardened further as he plunged into her hot depths over and over. She rode him up and down, squeezing him with her thighs, helping him reach her furthest depths. Her body tightened and her nipples became achingly diamond hard. She consumed his heavy thrusts repeatedly, taking as much as he gave, giving as much as she took.

Meredith screamed against his shoulder, her second orgasm ripping through her. Her uterus contracted hard and her body clamped his. She licked, then bit the curve of his shoulder before kissing it. Derek shoved her hard against the wall and dropped all restraint. Her body was so pliable with love he couldn't hurt her, so he ground intensely into her womanly channel, jerking hard, letting himself be rough. Every now and then this dominant part of himself needed out. Derek plunged to the limit, hard, again and again, reveling in the freedom until Meredith kissed the side of his neck softly, gentling him with her unconditional acceptance. He captured her lips with his. His body exploded and he stilled, holding them both up, his legs trembling in reaction. Derek's heart raced and his breath panted.

Meredith gulped for air too, laughing softly in delight. Her body felt gloriously ravaged and satisfied. She was full to the brim, in union with Derek. Tiny shivers still rippled her skin and her insides. Her vaginal walls contracted rhythmically, milking her mate, even as he slowly reduced in size. She let her legs drop. Reluctantly he eased from her body, removed the condom and washed off. Derek turned her into the spray and bathed her gently.

Derek sat on the shower floor with his legs extended. He patted his thigh and Meredith took the invitation to sit in his lap. He braced his foot against the wall and leaned into the wall behind him. As comfortable as possible, he held his girl to him letting her rest and recover from his aggressive sexual demands. He stroked her back while their heart rates gradually slowed to normal. Meredith lay her slight weight against her lover and let herself drift in a haze of happiness, her cheek resting on his furry chest. She closed her eyes and rubbed her palm sleepily over his chest and side, caressing him.

"I hate to say this at a time like this, but I'm starved," he finally said, "We need to get dressed."

Derek turned off the shower and grabbed a tiny hospital towel. He glanced at it ruefully before handing it to his girl. Meredith immediately sat on the closed toilet seat and started drying off. With sultry eyes, she watched him rub a second postage stamp sized towel over his body. She waved for him to turn and dried his back and butt with her own towel. Then she dropped the towel and circled him with her arms, holding him tight. Meredith buried her face in his back and breathed deep. How in the world had she gotten this lucky? For an instant fear pierced her. She was afraid of losing him the way she'd lost everyone else. Derek turned in her arms and held her as she held him.

"Hey, what's this?" he chided her gently, "I love you. I'm here to stay."

"I know, I'm just scared sometimes, when I think I'll lose you." Meredith admitted, shame-faced. She looked up at him, her large eyes the same misty green as her discarded sweater. Her long lashes draped over her cheeks as she blinked and looked down. "Bad things always happen to me. I don't want anything to happen this time."

"Hey, I told you, you're my girl," he touched the tip of her nose with the tip of his, "You're beautiful and smart, talented and kind, sexy and passionate. You like hiking and dogs. I am totally in love with you, pretty girl. And I know you love me. You meet my wildest needs in every way, including in bed – or in the shower," he reminded her naughtily, "What more could a man want?" Derek shrugged as he tried not to think about a dozen years of dull pedestrian intercourse on every level with his ex. That was like a bad dream now. He hugged Mer tight, then leaned over to pick up her clothes and hand them to her.

They dressed, laughing at the smallness of the space that they hadn't even noticed before. Meredith arranged her wet hair into a high pony tail while Der rubbed his wet curls drier. Meredith zipped her brown cords and donned her sweater. Derek slid into khakis and a coffee brown and tan sweater of his own. He repacked his kit and stuffed his scrubs and trainers inside. When he looked up from stepping into his docksiders she was cracking the door to peek out. He couldn't resist grabbing her and noisily smooching the side of her face, tickling her ribs.

"Derek!" she squealed and then hastily modulated her tone, shushing him, "Derek, be good, I don't want Dr. Bailey to catch us."

"Too late Dr. Grey," said a familiar strict voice on the other side of the door, "Exactly what is going on here?"

Derek burst out laughing at the mortified/defiant/apprehensive look on Meredith's face. He tried to muffle it against his arm when she glared daggers at him.

"Behave!" she hissed, "This isn't funny!" She squared her shoulders and walked out to face her boss.

"Um, Dr. Bailey, I... uh, we... uh, that is, Dr. Shepherd and I were just leaving," if Meredith could have kicked Derek to the curb at that moment, she cheerfully would have. He sauntered out of the bathroom behind her, grinning like an idiot, and casually dropped his arm around her shoulders. She tried to shrug him off, but he stuck like glue.

"Hi, Miranda. I just wanted a shower after surgery. That's all." Dr. Shepherd smiled his most charming smile at Bailey.

"And was there something wrong with the attendings' state of the art facility?" Bailey asked sarcastically narrowing her deep brown eyes.

"Yeah, there really was. I needed Meredith and I couldn't have her with me there," he glanced significantly at the girl at his side and Bailey immediately knew who needed whom. Her eyes softened. Shepherd was a rascal, getting by on a lot of charm, but there was no doubt that Grey needed him desperately today. Bailey would let this slide, but only after a final dig.

"You did check to see if you'd put your panties back on this time, didn't you Grey?" Bailey stared pointedly.

Meredith blushed crimson and nodded. Derek shook his head at Miranda and laughed.

"I put mine back on too, Miranda, wanna peek?" he said outrageously.

"Derek!" Meredith gasped and punched him in the side with a small fist.

"I told you before not to try to impress me that way! Now get on with you!" She grimaced at him and waved them off. They headed for the food court, beyond starving. Bailey looked after them and allowed herself a smile at their obvious happiness.

**Okay, I wasn't going to write another sexy love scene yet, but this one wrote itself. I hope you liked it. I swear, the more I grieve for MerDer, the more I write sexy love scenes to make myself feel better. So this is for y'all who are still unhappy from the frustrating, farcical, flaky finale foisted on fans by the flaming fools at flatulent ABC. FLPPPT!! sam**


	12. Answered Prayers

Dreams of Love

Chapter 12: Answered Prayers

Meredith and Derek sat in the dining mall of Seattle Grace eating uninspired hospital food. Everything was one off. The lettuce was less than crisp. The soup was luke warm. The pasta was overcooked. Meredith watched Derek wolf down two orders of spaghetti and shuddered. His eyes twinkled as he noticed her disdain. He cut a bite of chocolate cake with the edge of his fork and held it to her lips temptingly, his smile cute and boyish.

"C'mon Mer, you know you want to." She wrinkled her nose at him and daintily accepted his offering. She chewed slowly, savoring the chocolate.

_The chocolate cake is _not_ one off_, she thought, _darn._

She smiled, all cute, and reached over to appropriate his cake as the most edible thing on their table. He laughed at her greedy delight and stole the rest of her salad. She was right. It could by no stretch of the imagination be called crisp, but he ate it anyway.

"Oh good, you're here, Meredith," said Yang, dropping a tray on the table, and completely ignoring McDreamy, "Burke is being a..."

Shepherd cleared his throat. Cristina paused and slowly swiveled her eyes to regard Shepherd, inscrutably. He sardonically smiled back and drained his chilled club soda.

"Never mind. How is Giordano?" Cristina turned back to Mer.

"He survived the surgery. The tumor is out. We're going to check on him as soon as we finish here. How is George's dad?"

"My dad is fine, Mer," George plunked down in a chair between Meredith and Cristina. He peeled the saran wrap off a bowl of cut fruit and unwrapped a chicken salad sandwich, "Dad is still unconscious, but they got the tumors out. He's doing okay."

"Your dad is a fighter, George, that's the thing," Izzie said as she casually plopped down next to Derek. Derek looked bemusedly over at Meredith. Meredith smiled back at him and raised a shoulder in a half shrug.

When he was with her in the interns' usual hang out areas they treated him offhandedly as Meredith's boyfriend. The minute he stepped away from Meredith or was with Mer outside of their hangouts they all immediately reverted to treating him as their boss's boss, head of neuro, Dr. Shepherd. All of them did it, even Karev. As far as he knew they'd never spoken about it amongst themselves. They had certainly never spoken to him, yet the boundaries were well established and crystal clear. Right now, he was the boyfriend. He sat back amused, to watch the show.

"Burke says we have to watch Dad's kidney output. He also says you're going to operate on him again, Burke I mean, in a few days," George looked expectantly at Shepherd while stuffing fruit in his mouth.

"Really?" Cristina perked up and asked interrogatively, "He asked you to operate? You think you can fix the tremor?" all eyes turned to Shepherd.

Noticing that Meredith was finished with his cake, Derek eased his chair back from the table and held out a hand to her in invitation. She immediately took his hand and curled into his lap like a petite cat. He settled her comfortably against his chest under his caressing hands. Meredith nuzzled in close to him, not caring who saw them. They were both off duty. She'd paid the gossip mill heavily for months, so if the hospital saw her snogging an attending now, so be it.

The interns looked at each other in surprise. This was the first time Shepherd and Grey had ever behaved this way openly in the hospital. Everyone had typical reactions. Izzie grinned at how cute they were together. George felt a flash of jealous longing as always. He wasn't sure if it was still over Meredith or if it was really over everything he perceived Derek had. Cristina scowled. TMI, she thought. She still didn't trust McDreamy to stay McDreamy instead of McLeaveMe.

"Dude, get a room," Alex said as he scraped a chair out between Izzie and Cristina. The other interns groaned disgustedly as he started to shovel in two helpings of the awful spaghetti, "What? It's not that bad."

Meredith's musical laugh filled the air when Derek pinched her and said, "See? I told you so."

"Back to Burke. His hand. You can fix it?" Cristina asked Shepherd pointedly, ignoring the byplay.

"Cristina, you know I can't discuss this with you. Ask Burke. You're his girlfriend. You live with him. Surely, he'll tell you everything you want to know," Shepherd said, feeling good about how relaxed Meredith was in his arms.

"He won't! We're not speaking. It's war and whoever speaks first loses. I'm not speaking first," It was all perfectly logical to her.

"Cristina, you have to talk to him. You can't keep going on like this," Meredith remonstrated her friend from her own boyfriend's embrace.

"Wanna bet? I'm a winner," Cristina said proudly.

"Cristina!" Meredith gave up for now and spoke instead to Alex, "How's Laura, Alex?"

"She's a scrappy, tough, little one, like you, Mer. She's already ahead of the curve. Addison says she'll be able to go home by the end of the week or so." Everyone looked sideways at Alex as he waxed enthusiastic over the infant. He kept shoveling spaghetti, unaware of how much he had just revealed.

"We need to go check on _Papà _Guiseppe, Derek," Meredith turned to look into Derek's bottomless blue eyes. She was so close he only had to raise his head to catch her plump bottom lip with his lips in a sweet kiss. One kiss deserved another, so she kissed him back on the corner of his smiling mouth, letting her fingers play in his untamed damp curls. Derek slid his arms more fully around her back and waist forgetting for an instant where they were. Applause broke out as Meredith's friends sardonically clapped at the show, jerking the MerDer couple back to reality.

"Aw, I'd give it the rating of F for 'Fillings' since they are so sweet they could rot teeth!" laughed Izzie.

"P for 'Peptobismol'," grunted Cristina, "Watching that upset my stomach."

"No, T for 'Too many pictures I don't need in my head'," George was blushing as he waved his hands in an erasing gesture. They all laughed with him.

"G for 'Go for it, man. Get it while you can'," Alex added amiably in approval. They cheered.

Meredith buried her face in Derek's shoulder giggling helplessly while Derek shook his head grinning at the silly first years. He was grateful they were all so close to Mer. She needed a family and they were it. He supposed he'd have to tolerate their brassiness for her sake. There was only one thing to do in response. He boldly lifted her face up to him and held it while he ravished her mouth. He aggressively dominated her with wild passion and pure love. Meredith was swept away in less than a second. Her eyes slammed shut and the world was only Derek kissing her. The kiss went on until they were both breathless. Even Cristina was fanning herself. George was scarlet and Alex was still applauding.

Izzie watched Derek sweep an embarrassed Meredith out of the food court and felt a twinge of envy and sadness. She'd never have that with Denny. Then she remembered all Mer's misery in the past and rejoiced at her friend's current happiness. Meredith and Derek were meant to be. Izzie crossed her fingers under the table for Meredith, wishing her luck, in an echo of her trailer park youth.

o-o-o

Meredith sat with _Papà _Guiseppe, holding his hand and carefully watching his grey flaccid face. Monitors hummed and beeped and personnel moved with hushed softness around the room. Derek was back to being Dr. Shepherd, having donned his pristine white lab coat over his civvies. He glanced over the chart he was reading to Meredith's fragile, silhouetted form. The anesthesia was wearing off and Giordano should be waking soon.

The other Giordanos still waited outside in the lounge. No more than one would be allowed into post-operative intensive care at a time. Professionally, Shepherd was more than pleased with the surgery. It was a break-through marvel that deserved to be written up for a journal. Personally, he was worried for his girl. Meredith already had suffered too much in this life and he wanted to protect her from anything else that might hurt her.

Guiseppe opened his eyes and looked at Meredith, "_Bella_..."

"_Papà _Guiseppe, _Papà?" _Meredith tried to get him to talk to her again.

"Meredith, he's waking and he's already speaking – both very good signs. Let him come around in his own time. You know that's better," Dr. Shepherd reassured her and instructed her quietly.

Meredith sat back. Guiseppe was likely to drift in and out for a while. She needed to be patient. Time passed slowly as she sat there. Her mind drifted back to Italy and Switzerland as she looked into _Papà _Guiseppe's face.

The Chalet in Switzerland. It was so beautiful on the surface and so ugly underground. For once she didn't fight the thoughts. She realized her memories of the place were probably not accurate. She was remembering it through hazy abuse and pain, distorted through both minimization and exaggeration. It didn't matter. They were just thoughts. That's all.

Meredith started shivering involuntarily. It was always cold there. It was lonely – agonizingly lonely. Her stomach grindingly reminded her of her constant hunger. The outdoors ceased to exist. It was so small and low, claustrophobia took hold. It was silent – no one spoke kindly to her, and she spoke to no one, period. There was no music. There was no indoor plumbing.

_No, Meredith, you know what to do. Think only about what you had, not what you didn't have. Everything is okay now. Everything is okay now._

She had a chamberpot. For months she'd used a stinking chamber pot. She had a cot with a thin mattress and too few blankets. But it was up off the floor. She had two uniforms that she wore at the same time to combat the cold. Thank God. She had a bare electric light bulb. She wasn't in the dark the whole time. She had a paper piano. It was better than nothing. She had books, lots of books in four languages. They were her friends, family, everything. They were the window to the outside world.

_Fräulein_ Hoffman and _Fräulein_ Richter wanted Meredith to study to satisfy her mother. So, she was supplied with books, assignments, and school supplies. She studied. She studied all the time. She made a paper keyboard to practice on. She smiled bitterly now. Paper concerts in the smelly, cold, dark were the highlight of her day. She had scavenged the old cellar for anything she might use. Nothing surfaced but rotting barrels, rotting burlap, and rotting mold. To this day, the smell of rot could make Meredith heave. Derek spoke to the nurse across the room from her and she looked blankly up at them.

_Wow, I am thinking about Charon and I am okay,_ she realized, _hm. Shaky, but okay._

Meredith didn't realize how far she'd come just by sharing her past. It had released some of the miserable poison. She looked at Guiseppe and tried to come all the way back to the present. That was then, this was now. She tried her old coping skill of pushing the thoughts far away, as far away as she could. Her fingers played a soothing rhythm against her thigh. She was safe and here and now. Derek hadn't judged her as bad. And she hadn't said everything. Her stomach settled. She _wouldn't_ have to say everything. It was still her secret. No one ever had to know.

_Fräulein_ Hoffman and _Fräulein_ Richter had always told her that anyone who found out that she was so bad, she had to live in a cellar, away from decent girls, would instantly despise her and never love her again. Bad things happen to bad girls and Meredith Grey was bad. Bad to the core. She was destined to have many, many bad things happen throughout her life. They said things like that so often that Meredith had believed them. Even though a young girl's sensible mind says differently, the emotions and self-esteem are imprinted with the repeated exposure to raging filth and can't help but be impacted terribly.

Guiseppe finally awoke fully. He gazed at Meredith, but didn't try to talk again. _Nonno_ Armando was allowed in. He frowned when he saw Meredith already there, but said nothing. Shepherd rapidly checked Guiseppe, writing notes on his chart. Then he began a physical neurological exam, checking legs and feet, arms and hands. He measured his reflexes and checked his eyes. With every test passed Derek breathed easier. Meredith stayed on edge, unable to relax, her dark and twisty side holding her at red alert. Then Shepherd started examining Guiseppe's speech and memory. _Nonno_ spoke to Guiseppe in Italian to discover his speech was fine. Shepherd continued his exam in English.

Guiseppe, growing tired of the impersonal exam finally looked up at Meredith and said, "Scusatemi, ma chi è questa bella ragazza? Ti conosco?" ("Pardon me, but who is this pretty girl? Do I know you?")

"Non te la ricordi?" ("You don't remember her?") asked _Nonno_ Armando sharply, looking at his son and then at Meredith, who froze, unable to breathe. 

"No, non l'ho mai vista prima," ("No, I have never seen her before,") Guiseppe looked confused. He struggled to remember the girl in front of him and couldn't.

"Grazie a Dio. Forse le mie preghiere sono state esaudite," ("Thank God. Perhaps my prayers have been answered,") said _Nonno_ Armando, _sotto voce, _under his breath. 

"What is it?" asked Dr. Shepherd, alarmed at Meredith's frozen, white countenance, but not understanding the Italian.

"Do you remember Ellis Grey?" Meredith asked Guiseppe in a soft, friable voice.

"Who?" Guiseppe asked faintly, lying back to rest.

_Nonno_ Armando grasped Meredith's arm and pulled her to her feet. He led her outside the door on the other side of the glass where Guiseppe could not hear them. Shepherd followed, frankly disturbed.

"I'd let her go, if I were you," he growled, his voice arctic, clenching his fist at the sight of Meredith's slight arm held in Giordano's uncaring, cruel grip. The old man dropped her arm at Derek's warning, but then verbally assaulted Meredith in fierce Italian.

"Ho pregato tutti i giorni perchè Giuseppe smettesse di essere ossessionato dall'avere una figlia. Quando io e i miei fratelli vi abbiamo forzato a rompere il vostro rapporto, qualcosa si è spezzato nel nostro rapporto con mio figlio. Non ne ha mai parlato, ma non mi ha mai perdonato." ("I prayed every day for Guiseppe to lose his obsession with having a daughter. I wanted him to forget you and move on with his life. When my brothers and I forced the two of you give up your relationship something broke in our own relationship with my son. He never spoke of it, but he never forgave me.") Armando Giordano's nostrils flared in patrician pride.

Meredith breathed shallowly through the growing numbness. Derek again asked what was going on. Meredith couldn't answer him. She was struggling to stay upright through her own upheaval.

"Adesso capisco che Dio gli ha mandato il tumore non per prendersi la sua vita ma per riportarlo alla sua famiglia. La sua vera famiglia," ("Now, I see that God sent the tumor not to take his life, but to return it to his family. His true family,") An almost fanatical light lit Armando's old eyes as he deliberately ripped Meredith in half. She put a hand against the wall to keep from falling.

"Tu non sei semplicemente morta per lui. Non sei mai esistita. Non sei niente." ("You are not just dead to him. You don't exist at all. You are nothing.") Armando smiled in evil satisfaction.

Cold iced Meredith's veins and heart, spreading out until Meredith was frozen solid. She felt anesthetized, blessedly numb. She knew it wouldn't last but at least it helped her keep her composure in front of the nasty old man. That was somehow still important, but Meredith couldn't have said why. Pain waited to slice deeply into her on the other side of the icy cold like giant sharp shears of white hot metal.

"That's it. Don't say one more word to her in Italian. You're hurting her! Speak English! What is going on?!" demanded Derek frantically as he took in Meredith's pasty white complexion, shallow breathing and dilated pupils. He tried to touch her, to take her in his arms, but Meredith couldn't bear to be touched and shied away. His touch would instantly melt her icy fortress and reveal her broken woundedness. She wouldn't let that happen in front of Armando. No. She would stand strong in front of him, not only for herself, but also for the relationship she once shared with Guiseppe.

_Oh my Papà, my_ _Papà is gone. He didn't die. I did. _Meredith reeled against the wall.

"Fine! English then." Armando glared daggers at Shepherd, then renewed his attack on Meredith, "If he has forgotten you, then I don't want you to ever tell him. Let him forget that shameful false marriage to a selfish, manipulative adulteress. Let him have a new life."

"What the hell are you talking about?!" demanded Shepherd.

"Dr. Giordano has retained no memory of a piece of his past, Dr. Shepherd," answered Meredith in a surprisingly steady voice, adopting her professional 'Dr. Grey' demeanor as her only self-defense, "Apparently, along with the tumor, you cut out... me." She turned away from Derek's stunned, then painfully understanding, gaze to _Nonno_ Armando's sharp, demanding stare. She nodded once to him, all she could manage, and numbly walked away, her joints stiff and her balance unsure. She had to leave before she lost it. No losing it in public. No.

"Meredith!" Derek called. He wasn't sure how to handle all this.

She half looked behind her but kept walking to the elevators and escape, ignoring the enormous blooms of brick red pain taking over her gut. "Don't worry, Derek. Everything is going to be okay." Then she repeated softly to herself, "Everything is going to be okay."

She stepped on to an elevator and turned around. Her face was frozen with no expression. Her eyes had dulled to the dim greenish grey of horror.

"Thank you for saving _Papà _Guiseppe's life," Meredith said to Derek in a steady voice with her chin up as the elevator doors closed.

_**Please review.**_

_**A warm thank you to my Italian friend, Bye11, who translated for this chapter. She rocks.**_


	13. Don't Speak

Dreams of Love

Chapter 13: Don't Speak

Addison Montgomery stood in front of the glassed in NICU waiting for Dr. Bailey. She watched Meredith Grey inside, fully bedecked in sterile gown, cap, mask, and gloves sitting beside infant Laura's warmer. Alex Karev stood at the end of the warmer saying nothing. Addison sighed, not knowing how to help. The girl's posture drooped with defeat. She swayed even though she sat. Her eyes were stark over the mask. There was an almost undefinable shiver of ... something throughout her whole body. Meredith stroked the baby with one gloved finger, barely touching her, her eyes glued to the infant's face.

_I lost my Papà Guiseppe today, baby girl... I thought you should know... I am so glad you didn't die. Thank you, my niece... Sh, it's true... you're my niece. Alex says you're a scrapper. That's good. If you are a true Grey woman, you'll need to be tough... What am I saying? You're so new and you've already won the first two rounds of the fight! You're an early contender. You go, bambina._

_So, since in a weird way you are my only related family now, and Derek says it could be different with you, I'm going to tell you everything I can remember about my _Papà _Guiseppe, okay? Then I won't be the only one who remembers. I was twelve when ..._

The silence in the NICU was disturbed only by the hum of machinery. No human made a sound as Meredith silently poured the only unadulterated happy memories of her childhood out to the sleeping newborn, carefully projecting only the most joyous of thoughts. Meredith walled her grief and sadness away inside, protecting the vulnerable baby as much as she could from the emanations of sorrow. Laura was comforted by the gentle presence at her side and slept more deeply. Dr. Karev watched Meredith's grief wrecked eyes, unable to look away. Something terrible had happened to her again, but she hadn't said what. Karev wondered if Giordano still lived. He raised his own gloved hand and stroked Meredith's shoulder with one finger, barely touching her, exactly as Meredith stroked Laura.

Dr. Bailey bustled up to Addison, "You paged?"

Addison pointed through the window at the silent tableau, "Dr. Grey is in trouble, Miranda. When I asked her what the problem was, she just told me everything was going to be okay in a very peculiar voice. She's frightening the family." Addison indicated the ineffectual Mr. Grey who was pacing the hallway, wringing his hands. Every now and then he peered in at the baby as if afraid Meredith would spirit her away, "He's nervous that she is with the baby. I asked her if she needed Derek, but she said he was busy with Dr. Giordano. Then she said she needed to talk to the baby, Laura. But so far she hasn't said a word."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, Dr. Montgomery," Dr. Bailey looked astutely through the glass at two of her interns and the newborn in her isolette, "I'd say there is plenty being said." Addison gave her a puzzled look.

Dr. Bailey gowned and masked herself and quietly walked into the NICU, "Dr. Grey," she murmured in as quiet a voice as possible, "Dr. Grey, it is time to finish here and go home. You need to go home now." Dr. Bailey nodded to Alex and the two of them physically guided Meredith up and out of the NICU. Addison nodded to Miranda in thanks and mouthed "good luck" to her before leaving. Bailey realized the girl was in deep shock. It irritated her that for once she didn't know what was going on when she needed to know.

"Is Dr. Giordano all right?" Bailey asked.

"Yes, the tumor is gone. It was a miracle. Dr. Shepherd saved his life. He's going to have a great life," they saw that Meredith's smile was a travesty as she lowered her mask.

"What were you doing in there, M...Mer... Meredith?" stammered Mr. Grey, "I ... I ... I don't think that was a good idea, you being in there, that is."

"Don't worry, everything's going to be okay," Meredith dully repeated to her birth father the last words he'd said when he'd permanently abandoned his five year old daughter. Then she said as she turned her back, "I won't go where I'm not wanted. You have my word."

Meredith let Alex escort her to the elevator ahead of Bailey. Bailey turned a disgusted eye on Thatcher Grey, "Some people are just ... _Stupid!_" She turned to walk away and then did an about face and confronted Grey _mano a mano. _"And almost ... _Criminally Selfish!_" Her brown eyes flashed righteous fire as she executed another about face and marched to the elevator after her interns, her small, round self quivering with high dudgeon.

The elevator dinged and opened and the three stepped on board, "Okay, if Dr. Giordano is going to get well, then what is wrong?" Dr. Bailey asked bluntly.

"I ... please ... I can't explain, Dr. Bailey. Derek knows. Derek can say. Okay ... okay?" Meredith had talked to Laura and now she needed her first love, "I am going to the chapel, Dr. Bailey. When you talk to Derek, will you tell him I'm waiting for him there?"

Bailey and Karev looked at each other. Actually, Meredith was doing very well, considering. She didn't speak when bad things happened. Everyone knew that. And she seemed to have a coping plan. Bailey decided to let her go on to the chapel while she sought out Shepherd. She got off at the next floor, motioning Karev to stay with Grey.

They walked to the chapel still in silence. Then Meredith said, "I'm okay, Alex, really. You don't have to stay with me."

"No, you're not. You've been skinned alive and are barely hanging on," Alex confronted her quietly just outside the chapel doors, "I think you are in shock and can't feel it all yet. You don't need to make it okay for me, Mer, by denying or minimizing whatever it is. Remember, I've been your bet pet. I am on your side and I know you pretty well." His chiseled face was perfectly sincere for once.

They entered the chapel and saw George O'Malley. He sat slumped in a middle pew. Alex and Meredith exchanged glances. For an instant Mer wanted to run away, unable to process one more horrible event. And George's posture screamed shocked grief and horror. Then Meredith and Alex sat on either side of George. Neither said anything but both knew. The only reason George would be sitting here was because he'd lost his dad. Meredith gasped at this next wave of pain. It caused a re-stimulus of the previous tidal wave of agony over Guiseppe. She felt wracked in two. She held her arms around herself and panted in pain. Alex sat very still for both George and Meredith, looking down at the floor. George turned dead eyes to Meredith. His face was stark with loss.

"He had a massive coronary and died. The surgery was too much for him."

"I'm sorry, George."

They looked at each other.

"Is this what it feels like Mer? To be without a dad, I mean," George's face was waxy white and cold sweat beaded his forehead,

"Yes." Her affirmative was stark in its simplicity.

He turned his hand over. She laid hers in his. Their fingers clasped and suddenly they were hanging on to each other for dear life. Alex laid a hand on George's shoulder and gripped it reassuringly hard in a guy expression of sympathy. They sat like that for an age, lost in painful contemplation, taking comfort from each other.

Then George said, "What are you two doing here, anyway? The gossip mill can not possibly know what happened and where I am so fast."

"I ... I was going to play, George," Meredith looked longingly at the old upright piano in the corner of the sanctuary, "But, I won't now. Of course I won't. I won't disturb you."

Neither O'Malley nor Karev had ever heard Meredith play. They knew she'd suddenly bought a piano a few months ago and that she played it when alone, but never in front of anyone.

"I think," said George slowly, "that you should play. My dad liked music."

"Go ahead, Meredith. It's what you need." Alex, a musician's son, was familiar with the needy look in Meredith's eyes.

Meredith went to the piano and played. The two men were immediately awestruck by her unexpected virtuosity. Both of them had suspected she played with mediocrity since she only played for herself. They couldn't have been more wrong. Meredith could easily have been a professional pianist.

There was no soft lead in. Her wild grief for herself and George spilled out through the keys making a keening, mournful music. The music softened after the initial outburst and just became sad – low laments filled with sadness and loss. She played sorrowful, beautiful melodies interwoven with timeless harmonies that caused tears to surface for the first time for George over his dad's death. Angry music followed; anger mixed with sadness and loneliness and pain, demanding _'Why? Why!' _

_The music lets Meredith speak when bad things happen. Oh my God._

Derek understood that now as he stood in the doorway listening. It was the first time he'd ever heard her play too. Alex Karev quietly got up and went to ask Derek what had happened to Meredith.

"You are planning to stay with Meredith, right?" he said under cover of the quieting music when he heard the news.

"Of course," Derek answered perplexed, "What do you mean?"

"I mean love that girl. Stay with her. Take care of her and be on her side. She needs to know and frankly, I need to know for her, that you aren't planning on dumping her any time soon. With this last roundhouse, Meredith can't take any more blows. She's had enough already to last a lifetime. So no more hidden wives springing out of the woodwork, okay?! " Alex felt pushed to speak to Derek as the music shuddered with an almost unbearable ache again. His usually dormant protective instincts were fully awake now.

At first Derek was annoyed that anyone, especially an intern, would speak to him like this. Then he caught Alex's abiding worry and George's hunched, twisted form. They didn't fully trust him not to hurt Meredith again and Alex and George were her family. He knew that. Alex did have the right to question his intentions. And Derek was in favor of Meredith receiving as much help and protection as possible right now. He and Alex and George were all on Team Meredith together.

"I love Meredith," he said, looking into Karev's eyes, man to man, "I am here to stay. She is the love of my life."

Alex read the truth in Shepherd's eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. He knew how Meredith felt about this guy and now he was convinced that feeling was returned.

"Okay," said Alex.

"Okay," said Derek.

"Hey, man, I'm outta here. Shift ended a half hour ago. Page me if your woman needs me," with a last look at the petite woman at the piano Alex left.

The music from Meredith's bruised heart gradually faded until her hands rested quietly on the keys.

"I'm... uh... going to go to my mom's now," George told Meredith.

"Okay, George. Is there anything I can do for you or your family?" she asked.

"Feed my fish," he said miserably, "I don't know when I'll be home."

"Okay, George." Meredith stood to hug George and saw Derek. Her face softened instantly, even though she still couldn't smile. George brushed by Derek and passed through the double doors.

Derek opened his arms to his girl and Meredith stood looking at him, "If I let you hold me, the glue that is keeping me together might melt and I'll fall on the floor in a million pieces."

"I promise to pick up each one and kiss it," he said with sad whimsy, still holding out his arms. She actually smiled a small smile at that. She hesitantly walked down the aisle towards him, moving faster with every step, until she ran into his arms. They closed hard around her and the dam in her chest burst. Hard sobs poured out unmercifully from her wounded heart soaking his shirt.

"I'm sorry, Meredith, so sorry. I wouldn't have cut if I'd known. Sh, baby, sh," Derek cradled her against his strong heart and stood firm for her. He gave her sanctuary within the sanctuary, she thought, whimsical in turn.

"Derek, no! I meant it," she said between gulps. "You saved his life. You are brilliant and I don't know how to ever thank you enough."

"He was right," sighed Derek, stroking a hand over her soft honey hair and using his sleeve to dry her cheeks.

"Who?"

"Giordano. He said that even if I killed him on the table, you would hold no grudge. He said you have a generous, forgiving heart. He was right," The exhaustion of the overly long day suddenly hit Derek. He had a full schedule the next day, and he knew Meredith needed her bed too. She still weakly cried against him, but the dam burst was over.

"Come on, sweet girl, let's go home. We need our bed," he started walking her out of the door with his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

"Derek Shepherd, you always need our bed."

It took him a second to get that she was actually teasing him. He gave a strangled chuckle more because of relief than humor.

"You are right there, lady. I will always need our bed," he bussed her lips lightly and wiped her wet face with his sleeve one more time.

_**Thank you for reviewing, everyone. I am as excited as a fangirl to receive them.**_


	14. When Bad Things Happen

_**Almost chose not to post this. Was going to leave this chapter out and just skip to the next, and then I thought, no, that is what Shonda does. I don't have to be in some big hurry. It is what it is – different. Hope you like it.**_

Dreams of Love

Chapter 14: When Bad Things Happen

Meredith looked out her bedroom window at the soggy mess of the dim city. Cold rain weeped out of the air itself instead of falling from above. The saturated ground seeped water into the streets, unable to soak up any more. Most days she was resigned to Seattle's weather, but today she needed a sunny beach in Florida... or Italy, came the unbidden thought.

Her thoughts turned to the beautiful Mediterranean and the summer months she'd spent on private yachts cruising the seacoast. Her _Zio_ Marco's grandsons, Michele and Vincenzo, both a few years older than Meredith, had their own small yacht. They'd become fast friends over the four years she'd lived in Europe. They'd taken her out along with all the cousins many, many times, teaching her about sailing, fishing and the sea. Meredith sighed. She missed Michele and Vincenzo and those halcyon days today.

"Meredith?" Izzie's usually bright, confident voice was low and quavery, "Do you think I look alright?"

Meredith turned and looked at Izzie in her bedroom entrance. Izzie was dressed in an elegant form fitting black linen suit with a small white jabot at the neck and frilled white cuffs peeking from her sleeves. Her hair was swept up in one of Izzie's elaborate braided styles. She'd gone a little heavy on her makeup to disguise the defeated, tired circles under her eyes and lines around her mouth. She was Izzie beautiful, as always. Only her eyes gave her away. They were a fountain of teary strain.

"You are beautiful, Iz. The suit is perfect." Meredith assured her.

"You look nice, too, Mer," Izzie replied running a hand nervously down her side. Meredith was also dressed elegantly. She wore a black and grey tailored belted long sleeved heavy silk shirtwaist dress. The large buttons down the midline of the dress and on the cuffs looked like pewter, as did the belt buckle and clasp. They matched her high heel shoes. Meredith's eye makeup was a soft grey and her lip and cheek blush was a soft wine pink.

"Let me," said Izzie when Meredith picked up her brush again to finish dressing her hair. Izzie carefully finished drying Meredith's hair, fluffing it out and giving it a full soft swept look, "I like all the blond highlights you put in your hair this time," she said inconsequentially.

"Thank you... Izzie, are you alright?" Meredith hesitantly inquired.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" Izzie's voice was brittle.

"Denny, that's why. We're going to George's dad's funeral... and Denny... he didn't really have a funeral... not really," Meredith tried.

Izzie finished Meredith's hair and turned off the dryer. She sprayed Meredith's hair lightly and gave it a few last pats in place.

"I'm okay, really, Meredith. It's just that... I... I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy and George... he's not my worst enemy. He's my best friend and I can't help him. No one can," Izzie sank onto the side of Meredith's bed and stared at the floor.

"What helped you, Izzie?" Meredith asked.

Izzie's hollow eyes looked up, "You helped. You and the others. You were just... there. You talked about what I needed to talk about. You stayed with me when I needed you to stay, and you left me alone when I needed to be alone. And... you never judged me, Mer. Not once. For the crazy thing I did. You were the only one who didn't. Everyone else did... even George... but not you. All you ever did was try to help me, and Denny. Did I ever say thank you for that?... Thank you."

Meredith felt tears well in the back of her eyes. She shook her head slowly at Izzie, "There's no need, Iz. Just give to George what helped you in those awful days. You're right, it won't help much, but even a little relief is better than nothing, I imagine. He just needs us to be there. That's all."

They both looked up when the master bathroom door opened. Meredith's McDreamy was gorgeous. He was freshly shaved with a shorter haircut than usual, wearing charcoal grey lightweight wool suit pants and polished black shoes. His light grey and blue striped silk tie set off his starched midnight blue shirt. He looked surprised for an instant to see Izzie on the bed.

"Hey, you two. You're both beautiful," Derek complimented the ladies.

Then he caught their faces. Both girls were struggling terribly to be brave. He put one arm around his girl, Meredith, who immediately cuddled close, and then opened the other to her friend, Izzie, in an offer of unconditional comfort.

Izzie couldn't accept for just an instant and then stood up seeking solace in his embrace. Both girls let their heads droop onto Derek's shoulders letting him lift their mutual burden for just a moment. They looked at each other across the expanse of his chest sharing a moment of sad peace. A single tear slid down Izzie's perfect face.

Meredith gently touched Izzie's arm and said, "We need to get going, I guess."

"Okay," Iz left the support of Derek's embrace to blot the moisture from her face. Meredith turned her face into Derek's throat and breathed in his spicy masculine fragrance. For three days Derek had run every test under the sun and tried everything he could think of to try to recover Giordano's memory of his stepdaughter. So far, nothing had worked. Guiseppe was permanently scarred, his memories of Meredith cut away. Meredith had known from the moment he asked who she was that this would be the case. Her grief had started at that moment for herself, for Guiseppe and for the girl she once was. She curled against Derek for a moment longer, not wanting to leave his side, even though she'd just been the one to prompt Iz.

"We'd better go, sweet girl," Derek turned her towards the door after kissing her lips softly and squeezing her close. He lifted his suit coat off its hangar and slid into it, buttoning it. They trooped down the stairs heading automatically for the kitchen and the coffee maker. Izzie set out three thermal travel cups, pouring coffee in each. Meredith decided they'd go for the real for once and got out the half and half and sugar. She flavored each coffee to that person's taste before screwing on the cup lids.

Meredith and Izzie had gotten off shift at five that morning. They'd picked up a morning's sleep before having to get dressed for the funeral in the afternoon. It was three days after Mr. O'Malley had passed away. As the interns left the hospital at five that morning, Derek was starting a surgery. He'd had just enough time to finish two procedures, before rushing back to the house to dress. Now he made toast for Izzie and Meredith, knowing they hadn't eaten. They stood leaning against counters, eating, trying to avoid talking about anything rough.

Derek watched them both carefully. Both girls were so rawly vulnerable, he wanted to wrap them in cotton wool. Instead, all he could do was stand by them. They left after that, Derek driving them, arriving at the church on time to meet Alex, Cristina and Burke in the vestibule. Cristina and Alex joined Izzie and Meredith on one side while Derek went to talk privately to Burke for a moment on the other.

"Have you spoken to George?" Cristina asked, "How is he?"

"No, not really," Izzie replied, "He just called once to give us the time and place of the funeral. His family held an Irish wake at the funeral parlor and his mom's home yesterday. Since we were all on duty, George knew we'd only be able to make it here, to the funeral itself."

Meredith added, "His mom is still on a mild sedative."

Alex said nothing. He looked around, massively uncomfortable. He didn't go to funerals. He wasn't sure why he was here.

_That's a lie,_ he thought, truthful even in his own head,_ you are here because of them. Just look at them. Pitiful. And you're pitiful too, for caring._

Izzie and Meredith were a pair of scrambled eggs, cracked, beaten and whipped, set to cook over low heat. Cristina was charred crispy black on the edges, burned from the hand tremor escapade with Burke, and seared over her semi-feud with George. George, himself, was still congealing in hot water, hardening and losing part of the flexible softness that once endeared him to others.

Like it or not, they were his team. And when you were on a team, and the chips were down, you showed up. No matter what, you showed up.

They moved into the crowded sanctuary finding a pew three fourths of the way back on the left. Izzie sat between Alex and Meredith. Cristina sat on Meredith's other side. She ached in a raw, harsh way for George. He was in the 'dead dads club' now. With her. In a weird way, with Meredith.

_Trust Meredith to always do things the weird way. Even having two fathers and a mother dead to her when they were all still alive. Weird._

Izzie and Meredith moved subtly closer to each other seeking the support they'd established earlier, when the organist began playing, and George and his mom and brothers entered. George saw them there and was honored they'd all shown up for him, even Alex. Shepherd and Burke entered the pew and Cristina slid over so Derek could sit next to Meredith. Burke settled on the outside. Derek draped his arm around Meredith and let her rest against his warmth. He nestled his face against her hair for a moment inhaling her warm scent.

O'Malley's and O'Shea's and Banyons filled the flower filled church to overflowing. They were loud and funny and emotional during the eulogy. Music celebrated George's dad's life and mourned his death. Laughter and tears erupted all over the church, often at the same time, as family and friends shared their love and grief. It wasn't a quiet goodbye. Harold O'Malley was sent off the way he'd lived, large. Meredith and Izzie and Cristina found themselves helplessly tearing and laughing at times too. They were all unbearably touched by George's wealth of family ties. Afterwards, they were able to catch just a moment with George before he was swept out to a limo to ride to the cemetery. They caught sight of Callie Torres on the other side of the church, but none of the interns had the emotional strength necessary to deal with the obnoxious, strange orthopedic surgeon today. They ducked away hurriedly, leaving Burke and Shepherd to follow, unaware of the need for the dodge. They just looked at each other, once again confused by this batch of interns' fits and starts.

By prearrangement they all headed back to Meredith and Izzie's house for an early supper. Everyone changed clothes, used to carrying changes everywhere they went. Derek started heating the grill to cook salmon on Meredith's back deck. There was an extended overhang so it was protected from the weather. Inside, Burke put together both his famous walnut paprika cream sauce and his dill weed cream sauce for the fish. Meredith and Izzie washed tiny new red potatoes, tender green beans, and white button mushrooms to steam. Alex rummaged in the refrigerator for long-necked beers for the guys, wine for Meredith and Cristina and a Coke for Izzie. They all ignored Cristina's grumbling over having to make a salad.

"Hush," Meredith, finally said to her as she handed her a freshly washed tomato, "you're using a sharp knife. Be happy. Izzie and I are on scut, Burke and Derek are prepping like scrub nurses, and Alex is a circulating nurse."

That broke the ice. Burke laughed out loud, surprising everyone with his sense of humor and ease. Cristina lightened up and everyone else relaxed. Derek put the fresh caught salmon on and soon the starving interns' appetites were at a peak from the delectable aroma wafting through the open back door. Alex, Izzie and Meredith soon had the table set with the extra leaf. They were just about to sit down when George walked into the kitchen.

"Smells good. Got enough for me too?"

"George! What are you doing here?" Izzie poured George a glass of milk and urged him to sit first. Alex grabbed Meredith's desk chair and added it to the table. Mer set another place, Cristina took George's coat, and their boyfriends recognized again that these five were bonded inexplicably, permanently.

"I'd had enough... I wanted to come home. I knew you guys would be here. There was enough family to take care of Mom without me there. How are my fish?" George asked Meredith, "They're not what I'm smelling, right?"

"Fine, George, they're fine," Mer tried not to snort her wine in surprised laughter. George was going to be alright.

O-o-o

Later that night, Meredith lay in Derek's arms longing for sleep. They'd eaten and laughed and talked. Everyone had carefully avoided the subjects of Giordano, Burke's tremors, and George's escape from his relatives. Burke and Cristina had managed to go the whole night without speaking a word to each other.

_And they call me twisty,_ Meredith thought.

They'd put on one of her Mom's surgical tapes after that. They'd all watched the show enthralled. Ellis really had been a super star.

Meredith turned over again, and then gave up. She rose to stare out her rain soaked window once more. She wasn't surprised when a gentle hand turned her around.

"Can't sleep?"

"No."

"You have to be up at four. Why don't you come back to bed and try?"

"Too many thoughts," she murmured, "not all good. I want to watch an old movie or something."

"Okay, let's go."

"Derek, you sleep, I'm okay," she protested.

"Come on," he just shook his head at her.

They curled together on the comfortable sofa under Meredith's great-grandma's quilt. The lit fire in the grate took the chill off the room and cast romantic shadows across theirs faces. They watched Bogey and Bacall on the classic movie channel and cuddled close. When they shared every day things it made them closer overall.

"Derek, my _Papà _Giuseppe won't ever remember me, will he?"

"No, Meredith, he won't," Derek said it steadily, knowing she needed confirmation, "He's gone."

"Okay," she laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes in stark acceptance. There was nothing she could do but let go. No matter how much it hurt. She tried to be grateful for the few days they'd had before the surgery. And Guiseppe would have another twenty years of life. Eventually, she slept entwined with her lover on the deep couch.

_**This is a soft, filler chapter, I know. It is just that I felt the need for an actual funeral – something that Shonda will never let us have on GA, no matter that there has been the deaths of three parents and one fiance so far.**_

_**Thank you all so much for reviewing. They are so instructive when I'm one off and encouraging when I'm on target. I appreciate the feedback tremendously.**_

_**(Don't make me write a haiku to get you to review – no, sorry, that's the Slave, not Dreams. It is after 3 a.m. What do you expect? Hee.)**_


	15. Michele Chatters

Dreams of Love

Chapter 15: Michele Chatters

Armando Giordano tried to ban Meredith Grey from his son's room. He demanded that she be excluded from seeing Guiseppe, both as a visitor and as a doctor. His brothers had accepted Meredith's aquiescence to Armando's demand that she not tell Guiseppe the past. But Armando was afraid Meredith would attempt to rekindle a relationship when his back was turned.

Everyone ignored him. Guiseppe was neither a child nor his father's dependent. Dr. Shepherd simply asked Armando if he'd like him to ask Guiseppe why Guiseppe suddenly had a problem with Dr. Grey. He smiled grimly when Armando backed down in a huff. Dr. Bailey made sure Grey's assignments gave her enough time to spend with her stepfather. The nurses always eased Dr. Grey's way, helping her personally in Giordano's room and professionally everywhere else.

When approached, the Chief of Surgery shook his head at Armando Giordano and said, "You have what you want apparently. I'd stand on that hand, if I were you. Your son will be released soon." With that, Armando had to just sit and stew. He tried to make sure that he or one of his brothers was always in Guiseppe's room so that even though Meredith entered she was never alone with her stepfather. He was determined to resist giving her an inch.

Marco's grandson, Michele Giordano, fast friends with Meredith in their youth, arrived at his family's behest to help with all the details of traveling home to Rome.

"Meredith, it is so good to see you," Michele exclaimed in English. He had always spoken English to her, saying he needed the practice to improve his language skills.

He was a confident mature man now, not a callow youth. He ignored the older generation, standing disdainfully by, and greeted Meredith warmly, kissing her on both cheeks when he first saw her just outside Guiseppe's room. She clung to Michele sadly for just a moment too long.

"Meredith, I've missed you too," he said softly into her fragrant hair. Then he looked up into Dr. Shepherd's eyes and knew he held not just his childhood friend but this man's woman. Derek's eyes were demanding the young Italian step away – now.

Michele allowed his arms to drop from Meredith and watched her instinctively turn to Dr. Shepherd, stepping nearer to him. Derek pulled Mer to his side and dropped his arm over her shoulders, while he confronted yet another Giordano. Meredith settled her arm securely around his lean waist and leaned on him looking calmly at Michele.

"Derek this is Michele, _Papà_ Guiseppe's oldest nephew and heir. We spent a lot of time in the summers together, both on his boat and volunteering in _Papà_ Guiseppe's African relief programs," Meredith introduced them. They spoke for several minutes about Guiseppe and the requirements of his discharge. Derek went over how long he expected the family to stay in Seattle before making the sectioned trip to Rome.

Michele finally turned to Meredith and was about to speak when a law firm's messenger arrived at Guiseppe's room carrying envelopes for both Armando Giordano and Meredith Grey. By mutual consent in concern over disturbing Guiseppe, Armando and Meredith stepped clear of Guiseppe's room and opened the envelopes down the hall.

Meredith turned pale and her mouth drooped down. She grabbed for the wall and leaned against it, trying to catch her breath. Armando let out a hiss of pure rage and swore volubly at Meredith in Italian. He stood pressed close in front of her almost shouting in her face, his hot breath smelling of onions and garlic.

Derek shouldered the man aside and away from Meredith, "I told you before! No more assaulting her in Italian. Speak English if you want to speak to Meredith, and be sure you're civil. She's been hurt enough."

While Armando waved the letter and complained to his family, Derek turned to Meredith and said softly, "What is it, Mer?"

"_Papà_ Guiseppe's lawyers here in Seattle... they've sent me a letter from Guiseppe and a statement of the account he set up for me before the surgery." She held the accounting out to Derek. He took it and glanced at the bottom line... three million dollars. He did a double take and exhaled hard, "He told me he'd given me his personal money as a gift, whether he lived or died. But, Derek, he left a letter too." She feebly held out the letter, still folded, to him.

Derek took it gently from her, "Let's go where you can sit and read this in privacy, Meredith." He started to draw her down the long hallway. He totally did not agree with Meredith's acceptance of her ousting from Guiseppe's life. He had wanted to tell Guiseppe the truth and let him decide for himself what he wanted to do.

"No! How did you do this? A few days with you and he has forsaken his family. I demand that you return that money to the family at once!" Armando spluttered in rage.

"_Zio_, no, it is what Guiseppe wished and it is not so much after all. The bulk of his fortune he is leaving to me as always," said Michele, reading the letter.

"He is brain damaged now. We can challenge this," said Paolo.

"_Zio_, no, no, he was not brain damaged when he wrote this letter to all of us. He is very clear about what he wants us to do and why he wants it. He gave Meredith the money because he loves her as the only daughter he ever knew. He wants to make up to her the time he spent away from her. Yes, it is in the past now (though I don't agree with the way you've all chosen to handle this) but it was his own choice," Michele looked at Meredith, "I'm glad he did this, Meredith. It was the right thing to do."

"No, this... travesty... can hardly be called right, Michele! Are you going to return that money, girl, as is right?" Armando demanded. Everyone looked at Meredith who had frozen against the wall, trying not to drown under the resurgent waves of horrible pain. Suddenly, it was as if their accusing eyes pierced through all the pain and sadness to the roiling outrage underneath. Meredith was angry. Massively, furiously angry! She gritted her teeth against the twelve years of rage that erupted through her system. Meredith stood up straight. Her spine rigid with fury. She gathered all the papers and folded them back into their envelope. She stepped away from Derek and stood on her own.

"No! I refuse to be browbeaten by any of you, ever again! My _Papà_ Guiseppe gave me that gift because he loved me... he loved me," she said that last almost to herself, "It is mine, from _Papà, _and I won't let you take it. I will stay away now and let him return to his life in _Roma_ without me, but I will not dishonor him by disrespecting the last thing he asked of me – to accept his gift. You have told me to stay away, to not speak of my love to Guiseppe. Well, now I am telling you. Get away from me. Ask nothing more of me. Leave me alone." Armando started to say something else but Meredith turned her back and walked away. Shepherd gave the Giordano's one last disgusted look and went after Meredith. Michele followed as well, calling out to Meredith to wait a moment.

"Meredith, you will let me buy you and your Dr. Shepherd, lunch now, yes? I am your friend, as always. Please do not include me with the others. _Per favore, __cara, _I have missed you, let us visit together, yes?_" _he pleaded, his rich brown eyes sincere, "Vincenzo, my brother, will ask how you are. What will I tell him, eh?"

Meredith slowly nodded to him, her chilly hand in Derek's, her face blank. The three of them made their way to the food court even though none of them were hungry. It was a neutral place where they could catch their breath. Meredith chose a soothing tea for her rocky stomach, while Michele drank espresso and Derek cracked open a chilled water.

Michele warmly asked Meredith about her mother and her life here in Seattle as a new doctor. Meredith responded hesitantly at first and then more confidently. They let themselves finally drift into reminescing about their summers playing on the Mediterrannean.

Derek said nothing, content to sit back and listen. He'd been prepared to put a stop to Michele saying anything that would hurt Meredith, but the man turned out to be harmless. And it was fascinating to get this unique snapshot of Meredith's youth. Gradually, the cafeteria filled and inevitably Bailey's interns began to plop down at their table one by one. They ignored both Derek and Michele to ask Mer how she was doing.

"I'm fine, really," Meredith smiled when her friend, Tolliver, an ER nurse, sat next to her and placed a tray of food in front of her.

"Hey, eat. You know the rule. Eat whatever you can, whenever you can," Tolliver instructed, pulling his brown scrub shirt down.

"Thanks, Tolliver." Meredith started eating the yogurt, fruit and granola in front of her, while Derek and Michele both went to fill a tray.

"Who's that cute guy, Mer?" asked Cristina.

"Yeah, Italian, right? Is he married?" asked Izzie.

"He was a stepcousin back in Italy, that's all," Meredith blushed and looked guilty, "And he hasn't said if he's married."

"Oh, no, I know that look. Does McDreamy know?" demanded Cristina.

"What?" asked George.

"So the inappropriate men thing started early, huh?" asked Alex.

"No, stop it." Meredith blushed harder.

"You may as well tell us before they get back. You and that guy were how old when you...?" Cristina probed.

"Shut up." Michele and Derek were back with full trays.

"So Meredith, these are your friends, yes?" Michele asked. Meredith introduced everyone and talk moved to Michele and Meredith's common past. Michele laughed as he told Meredith's friends about how his little brother, Vincenzo, and Meredith had followed him everywhere. The three were inseperable. They went to the same school until Michele went to university. They all went on Guiseppe's medical charity junkets to Africa. They were all expected to perform charitable service one month of every year after they'd turned thirteen. It was a Giordano rite of passage, so they knew their way around Africa, when most kids wouldn't.

Guiseppe had promised all of his energetic, athletic nieces and nephews that they would climb to the base camp on Mt. Kilimanjaro one day as a reward for all their hard work. Every year the older kids over sixteen would anticipate the climb but every year there was some reason it was postponed. Michele laughed again as he told how Vincenzo and Meredith were fixated on the climb. Of course that year there was the divorce and Meredith was sent to Switzerland. Meredith tried to dissuade Michele from talking about all this, but her voice was only one dissent among many who encouraged him.

"Michele let's not talk about all that, okay?" Meredith asked again. Derek took her hand in his trying to soothe her. He was actually learning a lot from Michele that Meredith couldn't or wouldn't say, so he wasn't sorry Michele was chattering.

"Those children created quite a tempest that year. Meredith, she ran away from boarding school and Vincenzo, he ran away from home. They didn't go somewhere normal, no. They went to Africa on one of _Zio_ Guiseppe's relief planes for the UN," Michele told the story as if it were a funny lark. One look at Meredith's face said it wasn't.

Alex looked with surprised interest at Meredith. She'd have to be plenty tough at sixteen to defy all authority and climb a mountain.

"They hired porters and guides and the two of them climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro! Just to the base camp, but that was far enough. My father nearly had apoplexy. A storm blew in and the two of them were stranded for several days. They made it though. They made it when the rest of us never went. Vincenzo is still daring and bold like that." Michele said proudly.

"What happened after they came down, Michele?" wondered Tolliver, fascinated by this glimpse of Meredith before she became Dr. Grey.

"My father and grandfather, _Nonno_ Marco, were there to meet them when they came down. They took Vincenzo, but I don't remember what happened with Meredith. All my father ever said was that she was returned to her mother. But, I think Ellis was in America then. What did happen then, Meredith?"

_Wow,_ Izzie thought, with emotions in a whirl,_ I was living in a trailer park, waitressing in a truckstop, and Meredith was living in places like Rome and Switzerland and Africa._

"I was turned over to the authorities of Tanzania. I was eventually escorted back to boarding school in Switzerland by UN guards as a favor to my mother," Meredith said the words as if they were just words. Derek was left reeling, trying to grasp what she'd just said. The others didn't really get it. Meredith was so matter fact and off-hand that they didn't get the actual gist of what she said.

"She finished out the year at that boarding school I know, because we saw her one more time after that," Michele said.

"When was the last time you saw Meredith, Michele?" asked Izzie curiously.

"Vincenzo and Meredith and I spent the summer together on our yacht. Let's see, Meredith was...,"

"I was seventeen," Meredith's voice was dry and brittle, "Vincenzo was eighteen and a half and you were twenty." Derek stroked the palm of her hand with his thumb. The contact kept her from falling apart.

"Yeah, she showed up on the dock one day dressed in rags," Michele told his avid audience, "She was super thin and pale. She didn't even have a bag. Nothing. She got me into terrible trouble, remember _cara_? It turns out she sold an airline ticket her mom sent her to go back to the States and she used the money to get to a port she knew we'd visit and she waited for us. She told me she had permission to go with us and that her bag had been stolen, but she was telling a story. I think she was actually living on the dock when we got there. She never actually said though. Meredith, you were such a wild one then."

"Were you Mer? Were you living on a dock? ... what, like homeless?" asked George.

Everyone suddenly became embarrassed at those words. They shuffled around looking for something to say.

"Yes George, I lived on a dock for a while. No big deal. Michele and Vincenzo picked me up and we spent the next three months on the water," Meredith spoke calmly but her hand twisted Derek's.

"It was a fabulous summer. We sailed and swam and fished. Meredith slept out on deck nearly every night. She said she needed the air. She had a bikini on under those ragged clothes and that and one of my shirts is what she mostly wore for the next three months. Remember, Mer, that blue bikini turned white after three months in the sun."

"Meredith played the piano and Vincenzo sang for tips in the afternoon at some of the club restaurants at the ports we visited. They made enough to start buying her back all the things she'd lost."

"Meredith, remember, you played, but you didn't speak much at first. You said you had chronic laryngitis from an infection or something. First time I'd been around a girl who didn't speak. But, by the end of the summer Vincenzo had you laughing and speaking again, though."

"When the summer was over, Vincenzo and I put Meredith on a flight back to America. It has been a long time since, _cara_."

"It has," Meredith agreed softly, "It really has," She gave up trying to hold back and climbed into her boyfriend's lap for comfort and love. Derek wrapped his arms around her and kissed her temple gently, his heart overflowing with love for her.


	16. Addio, Papà

_**Thank you, Bye11, for the Italian translation. You make it beautiful and easy. Grazie, mille grazie.  
**_

Dreams of Love

Chapter 16: _Addio, P__apà_

Derek tried to get Meredith to talk to him at the trailer that night, but she was on talk overload. She just couldn't go there. She felt as exposed and vulnerable as a turtle without its shell. A lot of her safety came from silence and people not being able to see her clearly through the smokescreen she normally tossed up. Stupid, unimaginative people never could see her for who she really was. They would never understand her or enjoy her enchanting appeal.

She sank back into silence and hiding as best she could. Derek watched her do it and let her. She was torn, shredded. Who was he to push her further? She was doing the absolute best she could under horrible circumstances. He'd remember all the things Michele brought up and they'd deal with them later if Meredith wanted to – especially that part about Tanzanian authorities. Did that really mean Meredith had spent time in an African jail? How long? What had happened to her there? And did she escape to Mt. Kilimanjaro after she was first incarcerated in the cellar or before? If after, what had she had to do to escape? Did the starvation come as punishment after Africa? Probably.

Derek wasn't sure why all the exact timing details mattered to him, but they did. She'd had nowhere to go and no one to depend on, so she tackled Mt. Kilimanjaro with a seventeen year old kid? They could have died. Derek wanted to strangle Ellis all over again. And Marco, he'd been there but he didn't take Mer home? Or even back to Switzerland. He left her in Africa alone, without even Vincenzo to champion her. She'd been a baby, for God's sake.

He wrapped his arms around his Meredith that night in bed and loved her unconditionally. She didn't have to speak or explain herself. He didn't take her withdrawal into silence personally. She wasn't turning away from him. She was trying to take care of herself. She didn't have to change herself for him. He was learning all the many facets of her and he loved every one.

Meredith turned into his arms and snuggled her face into his throat. She breathed the spicy warm male scent that was her lover and part of her relaxed. Her mind turned to Vincenzo. Maybe it wasn't good manners to think of him when she was in Derek's arms, but she did. He'd been her first love, her first lover. They'd never been boyfriend girlfriend, not as such. They'd had to hide their feelings from everyone. No one would have found them acceptable. Michele knew, but it was the one thing he wouldn't say, knowing that talking about their feelings would be a betrayal to them.

Vincenzo had been there after the cellar and everything that went with it. Meredith kept silent about it all, but Vincenzo had instinctively known how damaged she was and had set out to love her and help her as best he could. He'd helped her ravaged body eat and exercise again. He and Michele had given her unconditional, unquestioning acceptance. When Meredith started speaking once more it had been to Vincenzo. When she laughed for the first time in a year, the rusty sound was because of him. Meredith thought of him fondly now and knew that her relationship with Vincenzo, as brief and as temporary as it ultimately was, was important. She could deeply love Derek now as a woman, not a girl, partially because of Vincenzo.

Derek brushed her nose with his and sought her lips. She was so beautiful and small. She made him feel more masculine because of her innate delicate femininity. She made him feel brave and strong because of her bravery and strength. He rolled her on to her back and braced himself on his elbows over her. Meredith stroked her hands over his mussed curls and down his satin smooth back. She stroked hard back up in a massage move. He cupped her face in his hands and closed his eyes as he leisurely kissed her. She opened her mouth to his and welcomed his firm entry. Derek grabbed a breath and plunged again into her mouth. She was there to meet him. She never backed away from his hot aggressive sexuality. She never expected him to lessen it or hold back. It was such a relief to have a woman want him the same way he wanted her. He trusted that nothing he asked of her was too much for her. She never made him feel that meeting his sexual needs nightly was an imposition on her. His excitement mounted even as he more fully mounted her.

She wrapped one long leg up around his waist and spread her other thigh open letting him have unrestricted access to anything he wanted. He rubbed himself full body up and down her soft self. She screamed in a mini-orgasm and he laughed in delight.

"Derek! You did that on purpose!" she accused him breathlessly.

"I did, pretty girl, what cha gonna do about it?" he smart mouthed back.

She smacked him sharply on his rear and he laughed harder, "I hate to tell you this but discipline from you just turns me on more. Go ahead, do it again, spank me, but if you do, I get to bite back."

"Derek! Behave! You are so bad," she said when he dropped his head to her nipples and pretended he was going to bite them. He laughed at her again and sucked her plump nipple into his mouth. He gently laved it with his tongue while he firmly suckled. Meredith squirmed as hot excitement streaked from her breast to her feminine notch. Derek opened his mouth more and took a bigger bite. She caught his jaw in her hand and tried to pry him off.

"Derek!" she wailed at him, already dripping wet.

He laughed gently again, but playing with her so sexily had stimulated him too. They were in the same sensual boat now. He rubbed himself against her soft mound and hardened to velvet covered steel.

"Don't forget a condom," she reminded him.

Whoa! He'd almost spaced on that. Something that he thought he'd never do. Granted he'd gone a little crazy at the prom, but after that he'd made sure he protected both of them from unwanted or unplanned consequences of their sexual actions. He was an adult, a doctor, for heaven's sake, not a randy kid. He reached into the nightstand for a shiny package and tore it open. He pulled away from Meredith far enough to roll the protection on.

Then he settled smoothly, in a single dominant thrust, into her body, linking them deeply, intimately together. He held her eyes with his while he made them one. Sparkling laughter died in his amative eyes and they smoldered instead with hot salaciousness. She blinked slowly, fanning her lashes over her genie green eyes, watching him take her. They shared a smile and he started moving hard in and out in a beautiful sexual dance. He held her eyes as long as he could before the mounting sensation forced him to groan out loud and pant with need. Sweat pooled at the base of his spine as electric sparkles swept his skin. His eyelashes draped his midnight blue eyes and he dropped his face to her throat, kissing her fragrant hollows.

Meredith loved the feel of his weight pressing down on her, pounding into her. She loved his hot breath on her throat and chest. Her slick body easily took his passion inside and made it hers. She loved the sound of his satisfaction and pleasure. He was always so pleased she wanted him, that she didn't say no to whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but she really couldn't imagine a woman not wanting him. Sometimes she wondered what had gone on sexually with his ex, why he was so grateful to her, Meredith, and then she shied away from the TMI thought. She loved him and whatever he wanted from her was more than fine.

Meredith rejoiced in how affectionate, fun and silly and then passionate he was tonight. It lightened her heart and made all the hard times easier to bear. She loved love play, not just the act itself. He pushed her higher and higher towards her sharp peak. She wrapped both legs tight around his waist and raised her hips to meet him. She slid her fingers into his silky hair and tilted his face back up towards hers. She kissed his flushed mouth and licked the inside of his bottom lip with the tip of her tongue. He moaned and lost it, bursting with orgasmic intensity. He finished hard inside of her, while she rode him to her own peak, suddenly vocal in ecstasy. He was laughing softly again when she came back to herself.

"What?"

"If that is what I get for punishment, I'll have to be bad a lot more often," he said naughtily, still buried deep in her sweet channel.

"Derek..."

"What?"

"I love you, you know."

"I know."

o-o-o

The next morning Derek gave Guiseppe a final neurological exam. All his tests were in and he was ready to be released. Derek signed the discharge papers and allowed them to be processed. Guiseppe's family gathered his things preparing to leave. Meredith stood by silently, her longing eyes never leaving her _Papà_ Guiseppe. It was as if she were drinking water at an oasis before a long desert trek. Derek stood beside her, his hand on her back. He waited to see if she would speak, but she wouldn't, perhaps couldn't.

An orderly came to push Giordano out to the entrance in his wheelchair. The whole procession started walking down the long hall towards the nurses' and interns' station in front of the main bank of elevators. Mr. Sandage worked his way across the floor cleaning the outer glass of each room and office. He'd chosen this assignment, at this time, to be there for Dr. Grey. Dr. Bailey was there also, going over lab results for a case with Karev and Stevens. They turned and watched as Meredith and Derek walked behind the group. Izzie bit her lip at the look on Meredith's face.

They all paused in front of the elevators, but Meredith kept walking. Everyone tensed when she stopped in front of Guiseppe, not knowing what she would do or say. Armando made a move towards Mer, but Michele stopped him with a hand on his arm. Michele's face was warm with compassion for his old friend and his uncle.

Meredith saw no one but her _Papà _Guiseppe. No one else mattered right now. She missed the elevator doors opening and disgorging O'Malley and Yang behind her as she knelt in front of Giordano. He looked at her gently, inquiringly.

"Dr. Grey, is something wrong?" he asked.

"No, no, not at all. I... I just have something I hoped you'd help me with before you leave," she said.

"Of course, Dr. Grey, you have been so good to me," Guiseppe assured the nervous intern.

"I have something I want to say in Italian to someone but my Italian is rusty. Perhaps you or your family can help me interpret before you leave?" she ventured, "It's just a few lines."

Before Armando could splutter a categorical "no" Guiseppe said, "Of course, my dear, what is it?"

"Please, how would you say, 'I will love you forever, my papa' in your language?"

"_Ti vorrò sempre bene, papà,_" he said.

"_Ti vorrò sempre bene, papà,_" Meredith said, looking at him with her heart in her eyes.

O'Malley, next to Bailey, blinked away sudden tears and looked down, his dad fresh in his mind.

"And 'thank you for giving me the only part of my childhood I remember with joy'. In Italian, that would be...?" she asked, her voice husky.

"_Grazie per avermi dato l'unica parte della mia infanzia che ricordo con gioia,_" answered Michele.

"_Grazie per avermi dato l'unica parte della mia infanzia che ricordo con gioia,_" said Meredith, again looking at Guiseppe.

Derek cleared his throat of a sudden tightness, watching the woman he loved deal with one more heartbreak gracefully.

"Dr. Grey, really, your pronunciation is superb. Have you spent time in Italy?" asked Guiseppe, delighted with her unexpected facility with his language.

"In another lifetime. I don't want to tire you but would you say 'thank you for teaching me that love really is unconditional and transcendent,' as '_grazie per avermi insegnato che l'amore è realmente incondizionato e trascendente,' _And 'my heart learned generosity from yours,'_ as 'il mio cuore ha imparato la generosità dal tuo,'?" _Meredith fought to say the words past the enormous lump in her throat.

"Yes, that is perfect. Good for you." Guiseppe said. His father and uncles had had enough. The elevator door opened again and they went to brush Meredith aside.

She ignored them again and wished her _Papà _Guiseppe a permanent goodbye_, "Addio, _Guiseppe Giordano_, grazie, grazie, addio." _She lightly kissed him on both cheeks, Italian style and forced herself to step back.

She felt Derek's warm hand on her own. She turned to watch Guiseppe enter the elevator and came face to face with her birth father, Thatcher Grey, and his family. A nurse carried Laura in his arms, ready to be released. Thatcher watched the scene in front of him curiously. The Greys stepped back to make room and the Giordanos entered the elevator.

Cristina shook her head at Meredith's abysmal luck. A tear escaped Izzie's control. Mr. Sandage gripped his squeegee harder in sympathy. Alex sighed, as he watched Meredith's frozen face. George gulped in pain. Bailey sent up a brief prayer that God send his grace to this child.

Michele hugged Mer briefly and murmured, "I'll be in touch. We're in town for another couple of weeks."

"Okay," she said, "_Ciao_, Michele."

Michele stepped on board and the doors closed.

"Meredith...?" Derek started.

"Derek, I'm okay. Everything's going to be okay. Really. Don't worry about me. If anyone is an expert in dealing with parents forgetting their children, it's me. I have a back belt in it," to her credit her voice, even though it held a tinge of bitterness, contained no self-pity. She was merely stating a fact.

Derek's pager went off calling him to an emergency. He kissed Meredith swiftly on the lips, "Are you sure you're okay enough for me to leave? Yeah? Okay, I love you, sweet girl." He gave Bailey a significant look and dashed away.

Meredith watched him leave and was suddenly lost, more than lost, her bravado dissipated like mist. She couldn't see anyone else. She blindly turned and jerkily walked down the hall to the balcony overlook. The Giordanos were leaving her life by one set of doors while the Greys used another. Molly and Susan laughed together and Thatcher joined in. Michele smilingly held the door for the older generation. Meredith breathed shallowly with pain clawing her heart as two families... two fathers... deserted her again... happily. Ow.

_Don't be sad, Mer, they're all okay. Of course they're happy. They're all going back to happy family land. Wherever that is,_ she thought morosely. _I'm not even a memory to them. Oh, Meredith, way too bitter. Now you _are_ feeling sorry for yourself. Stand up straight, chin up. Nothing has changed from two weeks ago. Nothing. Rewind, be kind. You still have no family. You're still you... I mean, I'm still me. Okay. Everything's going to be okay._

Meredith watched the doors swing shut behind the two families, her brow crinkled with pain. She wanted to double over and grab her gut, but that would be too melodramatic. Right? Right?! She pushed the agony away and breathed deep.

_Ow. Ow. Ow. What do I do now? Oh, yeah, Bailey assigned me charts and labs today. I have charts to update. Better get to those charts. They are really important. Charting is a great skill that all interns have to develop. It's way important. Everyone knows that..._

Meredith clenched her teeth and forced herself to turn back to her own world. She stopped. Arrayed in front of her were four interns waiting for her to turn around. Dr. Bailey stood by the wall with Mr. Sandage. They'd all seen what she'd seen.

"Hey, Mer-Bear, I'm sorry," George's eyes were Puss 'n Boot's eyes from "Shrek II".

"That was tough, kid, a left hook followed by an uppercut. You took the blows and you're still standing. No one can accuse you of having a glass jaw," Alex said admiringly.

"Oh, Meredith," for once Cristina wasn't snarky. She shook her head again.

Izzie said nothing. Tears overflowed her eyes and glistened down her lovely face.

"I'm okay, you guys, really. Everything's going to be okay. I'm just not family material. Everyone knows it. That's all," Meredith tried to minimize and dismiss so it wouldn't hurt so much. Unfortunately, that kind of pain reduction was bought at the expense of minimizing and dismissing herself as well as the pain.

Izzie was having none of it, "Everything is not okay, Meredith. Those selfish bastards hurt you. All of them."

"You _are_ family material, Mer, you're my family," affirmed George, grieving for his Mer.

"We are sisters, Meredith, never doubt it," Cristina said stoutly.

"Meredith, I know what you did," said Izzie focusing solely on Meredith, "for Denny and me. You never told me, but I know. I asked Dr. Yarber in the morgue about Denny's body when I came back to Grace, and she told me you went back the night he died and took care of him with her. You made sure he was buried with his heart intact. You did that because of what I said that night, didn't you? You took a thousand stitches good enough for plastic surgery, she said. You must have been so tired. You washed him and anointed him, and you did all that when you were still banned from the floor. You gave him my ring. You risked everything for me... and for Denny," Izzie's tears flowed faster, "Thank you, Meredith. If that wasn't an act of family, an act of love, I don't know what is. Of course, you're family material, you're our family, our Meredith. We wouldn't be the same without you."

Izzie hugged Meredith to her. Alex put a hand on Mer's back and George laid his face against hers. Cristina said, "Whatever," under her breath, and stroked Meredith's hair.

Meredith knew they loved her. The pain was all still there but it stood side by side with their support. Her misfortune with multiple parents coexisted with her incredible good fortune to have Derek and the interns.

_And all the others_, she thought, as her eyes rested on Mr. Sandage and Dr. Bailey. _All of my life is like this, the intense bad and the intense good. My Papà was right. I have to look for the good. I can do good for my family and my patients here._

"Hey, what are you people doing, lallygagging? It's lunchtime. Go eat and then get back to work," Bailey helped them out by bossing them around.

They loosed Meredith, and with Karev and Yang sniping at each other they headed down to the food court, Mr. Sandage in tow. They'd all taken to the old man as Meredith had. Family was where you found it.

_**Thank you all for taking the time to review. I appreciate everyone I've heard from. It means so much to me to receive the feedback, otherwise I'm in this alone and what fun is that?!  
**_


	17. It's the Hair

_**My only excuse is – sometimes my brain visits weird places.**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 17: It's the Hair**

"Alex, I'm telling you, I wouldn't go in there if I were you," O'Malley warned him in a low voice, having just run the gauntlet for beer nuts and potato chips. He'd barely made it out alive. His heart was still racing.

"What? O'Malley, you are so whipped. What is your deal? They're just skirts. Whatever. All I want is another beer. You guys want anything?" Karev asked the two guys slouched on the sofa watching the game.

"Naw, I'm good," Shepherd replied absently, his eyes glued to the set, barely listening. The Seattle SuperSonics were winning for once.

"Sure, I could use another beer, Karev. Thank you," Burke replied politely, his arm in a sling on a pillow, his feet on a hassock, slouched back in the deep sofa like a pasha. He preferred music to sports, but had needed to get out of his silent exile at the apartment for awhile. He had simply put his jacket on and tagged along with Cristina when she told the wall in his presence that she was off to see Mer. He'd known Shepherd would be hanging out there, and with Cristina taking up Meredith's time, Shepherd would be at loose ends too.

Karev went for the beer and O'Malley stepped back cautiously. A commercial came on and Shepherd muted the set, turning to cheer with Burke over that last lay-up. They could hear all the women in the kitchen laughing uproariously over something. Both men smiled when they heard their girlfriends' laughter. It seemed like way too long since their ladies had laughed like that.

Karev pushed the swing door open. Dead silence fell. Every female eye fixed on him balefully. They were statue still, only moving their heads to track his uneasy, suspicious movement to the frig. In the living room, George gulped at the menace seeping out of the kitchen. Shepherd and Burke looked at each other questioningly. Karev, a strong, bold guy, under most circumstances, felt the hair rise on the back of his neck at Torres' narrow-eyed glare, Yang's unmoving stare, Stevens' pitiless eagle eye, and Grey's distant focus. They were a wolf pack waiting for him to make a wrong move. Alex could almost see Yang slavering. Stevens' upper lip rippled. He suddenly wanted to cover his gonads with both hands while he backed away to safety.

Bravely – or was it stupidly – Karev bent down to grab a six pack. Better take them all, he wasn't coming in here again. Torres and Grey lowered their feet to the floor and leaned forward never taking their eyes off their prey. Karev, heart in his throat, headed as fast as his shredded machismo would allow to the living room, currently a male bastion. As soon as the door swung shut feminine laughter erupted loudly again... at him. O'Malley's eyes were the size of saucers.

"Well? I told you so."

"Er, piece of cake," Karev tried to blow it off, even as he uneasily checked his back trail.

Inside the kitchen, Yang, who was giving herself a paraffin foot treatment, was finishing her so rudely interrupted story of how stupid, Neanderthal, creepy, and mean Burke had been lately. Men!! He was withholding both sex and cooking. Grey gasped, outraged, and painted another toenail, her feet propped back up on the counter top where she sat, taking the high ground. Yang went on, letting the wax harden, telling her tale of venomous woe. He was leaving the seat up, and she knew for a fact that he didn't even do that when he lived alone. The only reason he did it now was to torment her. She'd fallen in twice! Twice in one night. Bastard! Stevens massaged her homemade avocado moisturizer all over her face with angry motions. Bastard, was right!! Yang nodded to her, satisfied with her response. He was such a jerk – no, a loser, _a mama's boy_. He'd even horned in on coming here today when she so clearly was escaping from his stupid, silent MAN self! Grrrr!! And she couldn't even argue with him about it since they were being silent. She growled in a man-hating fervor. Her sisters growled in empathy. The man-hating session was in full swing.

"You're lucky, Yang!" said Callie as she coated her face with a lumpy deep cleansing mask, "No, I mean it. George has turned into a sex machine. All he wants is sex, nothing else. All kinds, all the time, everywhere, every place! The boy actually wanted me to... you know," Torres descriptively waved a hand from her mouth to her nether regions, the mind boggled, "in the morgue, of all places! The morgue! He has confused me with Gumby, damn it! Or is that Pokey? My legs have been bent in directions they just should never have to go. And seven times in one day! The fiend! I mean!"

"Ew, ick, ew! What a pervert. My mental eyes have to be washed out with bleach now!" Cristina gagged.

"Good God!" Meredith and Izzie exchanged appalled glances.

"And is it all about him or is he at least... you know, thoughtful of your needs?" asked green-faced Izzie, curiously, totally on the distaff side.

"Oh girl! It is, of course, totally all about him! Rat bastard! I've had splinters in my hands and knees, stair imprints on my back, and rug burns on my butt. I'm so sore now it doesn't even matter!" Callie huffed, "The sexiest men in the world, Brad Pitt, Patrick Dempsey, and Eric Dane, together couldn't turn me on right now!"

"That _is bad_," chipped in Meredith as she blew on her toes to help them dry. Everyone admired the deep indigo color she'd chosen. She didn't dare let on that she'd chosen the color because it matched Derek's eyes. "When Patrick Dempsey can't turn you on, you are in terrible shape." They all thought about that for a second, then totally agreed with her.

"And Shepherd? What's going on with you two, right now?" asked Cristina suspiciously, while she peeled the cooled paraffin off her feet. Meredith was into hating all men with the rest of them, alright, but she hadn't called McDreamy a bastard once. The others waited, looking at her with slitty eyes.

In the living room, Karev turned from checking his back trail for female werewolves, to face three questioning, surprised, I told you so faces in turn.

"What is going on, Karev?" Shepherd asked, mild concern on his face. He glanced at the set to make sure the game wasn't on yet.

"The chicks are lighting the torches. They're in there right now putting on warpaint – green glop and lumpy white paste."

"What?" Burke was clueless.

"Yeah," said O'Malley, "There is some serious trouble in there. It isn't safe for men."

Derek finally got it. He'd been raised in a house full of five women, after all. He was the youngest, so he'd had plenty of exposure to male bashing parties, and to feminine fun fests of torturous looking beauty treatments.

"So, who is the main target?" he asked calmly.

"Not me, man," Karev popped the cap off his long neck and took a bracing swig. He popped the cap off another and handed it to Burke.

"I'm in pretty good shape, I think," said Derek consideringly, "You?" he asked Burke.

"Mm no. Decidedly _not_ in good shape. Cristina and I are at war," admitted Burke looking at the kitchen swing door, "You?" Burke asked O'Malley.

"Me? No. Callie's not mad at me... no... well, I might have got a little too... with the sex... there was that time in the... and on the... and over the... no... she's not... mad... I think. She's been great, great... since Dad died and I... of course she did say something to me about Patrick Dempsey this morning. Is that bad?" George stumbled around the mulberry bush. The guys all looked at each other.

"The actor?" asked Shepherd.

"Yeah, you know, that guy that looks a little like you," said George, twisting his hands together.

"Dude, you're toast," declared Alex. He plopped in the comfy armchair and shared the hassock with Burke, "When they bring out the male sex symbols, that's all she wrote. They're pissed. You must have really screwed up."

"Oh... God," said George, scared, looking at the swing door again.

"Well, let's evaluate how bad it is," said Derek, a brave man, "Coming, Burke?"

"Er, why yes, Dr. Shepherd, a scan sounds like it's needed," Burke rose and the two headed for the dreaded swing door.

O'Malley and Karev looked at each other, eyebrows raised, almost daring each other, until finally Karev said, "Not for love, nor money, man."

"Me neither," whispered O'Malley, looking after his bosses, as if trying to remember them for posterity.

The guys opened the door just as Cristina finished saying, "... you two, right now?" They saw all eyes focus on Meredith, sitting on the counter top, in a convoluted pose blowing on her toes. Derek immediately wanted to go to her and nibble on those cute little toes, but he was smart enough to stay cool. The guys stepped in the kitchen and all eyes focused on them. Men! Bastards! Everyone scowled.

Cristina looked over at Meredith and tilted her head at Burke.

"Cristina says, 'What do _you_ want, Burke?'," said Meredith.

Cristina looked significantly at Meredith again and Mer said, "Cristina also says, 'Whatever it is, the answer is _no_'," Cristina frowned at Mer, "excuse me, my mistake, that was '_hell, no_'."

Burke looked over at Shepherd and raised a brow. Shepherd looked at Burke, then at Cristina, then at Meredith, then back to Burke.

"Hey, I'm not as good at interpreting silent speak as Meredith. You'll have to speak for yourself," Derek said bluntly, disgusted with the whole mess between Burke and Cristina. A little of it was funny. Past that he wanted Meredith and himself out of the line of fire. He crossed the kitchen to his girl and leaned next to her, not hugging or kissing her like he wanted, but just leaning against her and her counter. The other women in the room glared.

Meredith burst out, "Derek, your hair is way too perfect! Doesn't it _ever_ get mussed? You really _annoy_ me."

Derek turned his face away until he could hide his smile and make his expression properly contrite, then he looked up at her, "I'm really sorry, baby. I'll do better tomorrow. I like your toenails. Indigo is my favorite color. Come watch the game with me? The Sonics are winning."

"No, I'm having a good time in here. You go ahead," Meredith forgot herself and kissed his upturned lips, "Don't change your hair," she whispered in his ear. He grinned. He winked at her and sauntered from the room, back to his game. Some of the hostility leaked away in his wake. McDreamy was just too cute.

Then Burke ruined it by saying haughtily to Izzie, ignoring Cristina, "Dr. Stevens, I don't want anything. I am fine. More than fine. I am watching the game with friends. Guy friends. That's all." Burke swept one more assessing glance around the kitchen and split.

All four women straightened up and shot flame out of their eyes, "Men! Grrrr!"

o-o-o

Later that night, Meredith rubbed lotion on her hands and arms as she waited for Derek to bring her a glass of water to bed. He strolled into their bedroom in low slung pajama bottoms, his chest and feet bare. She eagerly held out her hands for the drink. He gave it to her and sat facing her on their bed.

"Did you have a good time today?" he asked smiling his stars and comets smile at her.

"Oh yes, Derek, it was so much fun. Everyone was great! We were all angry and pissy at everybody. Cristina was so funny. She wanted Burke's head," she shook her honey head, "those two. Anyway, I feel a lot better."

She smiled at him, and lightly moisturized her face, "I'm glad the Sonics won."

"Yeah, me too. Listen, you're still going to the lawyers tomorrow, right?"

"Yes, I've made up my mind. I know what to do with my _Papà _Guiseppe's money. Or at least part of it. The accountants told me that _Papà _had already paid the IRS and arranged for investment strategies for the majority of the money. So, the balance really is three million. I thought I'd be paying half to the IRS before I did anything else, but _Papà _thought of everything."

"Meredith, you don't have to do this you know. You can invest the money and wait until you're sure," Derek cautioned, concerned for her that she was moving too quickly while she was still grieving.

"No Derek, I'm sure," she smiled gently at him, and went over her strategy again, saying it out loud to test it one last time, "the first thing I'm going to do is create a college fund for Laura. I want her to at least have that. Her parents are so young and her dad is still in Iraq. She's sort of my only blood family, besides Mom, and, you were right, maybe things will be different with her... maybe. I'm arranging for Molly's copay for Laura to be paid in full to the hospital, and her deductible to be returned to her. The lawyers will tell her a children's charity is stepping in to support her anonymously. It is my birth gift to the baby. I wasn't invited to the shower."

"Mom doesn't need anything, her money takes care of it all. I've been investing most of her money and there's more than enough, along with her insurance, to take care of her for the rest of her life. No worries there."

Meredith frowned as she took inventory, and then smiled when he kissed the creases from her forehead, "The lawyers will pay the outstanding balance for Mrs. Sandage at the home so that there is no chance she'll lose her place. I know Mr. Sandage has been worried. He's been working too hard. He's an old man, Derek, and he shouldn't have to work so hard. We're also setting up a payment plan so that interest from some of the investments pays the home on a quarterly basis so that it keeps the costs down for him. That should take care of most of his burden. He'll only have to take hours at the hospital if he wants them. Roseridge will simply tell him that it put Mrs. Sandage on its sponsored program."

"That's generous, pretty girl. I know you love Mr. Sandage, but shouldn't it be his sons that take up this slack?" Derek asked her concerned that she was trying to take care of others at the expense of taking care of herself.

"No, no, he doesn't want to be a burden to them. And this really isn't a burden to me, I promise," Meredith couldn't resist petting Derek's firm belly and chest so temptingly displayed in front of her. She slid her fingers through his chest hair and combed it straight. His eyes half shut as he enjoyed her touch. Then she poured more lotion in her hand and started creaming her legs under his interested gaze.

"Then we're setting up a small investment for George's mom. She'll think the money came from his dad's private extra savings for retirement over the years. It'll be enough to take the place of his income in her life so that she doesn't lose her house or anything. I know George has been worried."

Derek played with the neckline on her sheer little nightgown. He usually didn't like her dressed in bed but this was sexy and short. Her skin glowed alabaster perfect in the soft light through the pretty red fabric. He trailed his fingers across her chest to her shoulder and then down her arm. Goosebumps followed in the wake of his sensitive fingertips. His beautiful girl shivered and her nipples puckered sweetly against the thin, silky cloth. He started brushing the back of his hand lightly over her breasts, carefully not touching their sensitive centers.

"Oh, Derek," she gasped, catching his hand in hers, "Let me finish, okay? I want to say it all and then after tomorrow, I don't want to think of it again."

He reluctantly nodded, "Okay, what else?"

"Well Izzie and Cristina have no student loans for school, but Alex and George do. So does Dr. Bailey. The lenders don't care who pays them off, so we're going to. Again, it can be completely anonymous. I know, maybe I shouldn't include Dr. Bailey, she's my boss and my teacher, but I really want to, Derek. And I should get to do something with the money I really want to do, right?"

"You should. Do what you want, baby. The only one there could be a problem with is Miranda. You don't want to give the impression of impropriety. Ask your attorneys how to handle it judiciously, so there is no problem now or later for either you or Dr. Bailey. None of them ever have to know it came from you, if you want to remain anonymous. Make sure your lawyers know how important propriety and anonymity are to you, that's all. Three million should buy plenty of it."

"The rest I'm leaving in _Papà _Guiseppe's investments. I have some repair and upkeep on the house, so I'll gradually get all that done now as I have time. Oh, and, by the way, I'm modifying my will. If anything happens to me, George and Izzie get the house and its contents. Alex gets my new car and my piano and Cristina gets my clothes and jewelry and mom's library and surgical tapes. I've appointed my attorneys as legal guardians of my mom. They'll manage her monies and upkeep. All of my other assets I'm willing to you, no stipulations. Okay, that's everything, I think." Meredith breathed a big sigh of relief. Her financial and legal responsibilities were handled. All the paperwork was in motion. All she'd have to do was show up tomorrow and sign it all after she'd read it.

"Oh, love, I don't need your money. I don't even want to think about all this. You shouldn't be thinking about dying," Derek was really uncomfortable. He stroked the side of her sweet face.

"Listen, after the bomb last year, I put most of this on paper. I'm just modifying it now. Life can be short. It's just easier on everyone if things are taken care of ahead of time. I know from experience with my mom," She turned her head to kiss his palm.

She had a point. Now that he thought about it, Addison was still listed as the beneficiary of his own life insurance and will. He had some modifying to do himself. He'd have to make a phone call tomorrow. He shook off his thoughts and turned back to her.

"So, now, do we get to play, pretty girl?" Derek asked, his eyes crinkled at the corners and his lips turned up slightly. He stroked his palms down her bare arms loving the soft texture of her skin. He felt himself start to rise again. She came into his arms then, more than ready to forget all that stuff and submerse herself in his lovemaking. Mer wrapped her arms around his neck and felt his strong arms close around her back. One hand held her firmly and the other rubbed her bottom, sending little chili pepper thrills to her sex. They breathed in each other's scents as they nuzzled their faces together, not trying to kiss yet. He'd shaved again tonight so his face was smooth, his skin supple. He wanted a lot tonight, but he didn't want to give her stubble burn while he took it.

"You smell so good," he nuzzled her throat dropping tiny kisses as he went, "Taste good too."

"So do you," she said, turning her face into his clean hair, loving the feel and the smell. Both of them had already taken fresh showers tonight. They had to get up at four and neither wanted to do the usual hot water fight with George and Izzie in the morning.

Meredith touched the tip of his ear with the tip of her tongue and swirled into it wetly. She played in the whorls and curves dipping in and out while he shuddered in building ecstasy She stroked her palm over his hair roughened chest and let the stimulation build.

Derek squeezed and fondled her plump bottom stroking her soft thighs and smoothing his hands up under her short nightgown to the sweet places where her thighs met her curvy derrière. He trailed his fingers in those sensitive valleys loving the feel of her.

He trailed his hands down her long folded legs, sitting back from her so he could look where he stroked. He eventually found her long, slim, delicately boned foot, her toenails painted deep blue. He smiled at them. He held her foot in one hand while he gently pushed her to lay back against her pillows. He raised her foot to his mouth and nibbled her toes. She gurgled with surprised laughter.

"Derek, what are you doing?"

"I've wanted to suck on your cute toes since I saw them in the kitchen. I figure I've been pretty patient." He gave her arch a long lick like he was licking an ice cream cone and she squealed and giggled. He took each toe in turn in his mouth and sucked. She wriggled and writhed with both ticklishness and titillation. She was half way between giggles and moans. It was an effervescent combination. He ran his tongue under and between her toes driving her crazy. Her nipples were tight with pleasure and her female notch was swollen with need.

"Derek, please, no, you have to stop, I can't take..." she burst into giggles again and tried to pull her foot away from him as she squirmed, turning over on her tummy, grabbing a pillow to hug and bury her face. Derek switched his attention to her legs kissing his way up until he found the cute dimples behind her knees. She squealed again and laughed, "Love, you're making me wild! Ahh, Derek!"

He just grinned and kissed and licked and nibbled his way up the back of her thighs making her belly flutter with deepening need. He found that lovely spot again where her bottom curved into her leg and couldn't resist pausing to visit awhile while he rubbed a hand between her legs. Then he licked up under the edge of her nightie's tiny red silk panties. Meredith wailed into the pillow, on fire now. She spread her thighs open to give him better access and pushed back. He stroked his hand over her silk covered bottom and between her legs again and felt his inner heat rise to an explosive level, matching her. He reached down to adjust himself since it was getting painful caught against his jams. He pulled the draw string and slid the jams off, then rolled on a condom before he went any further.

When he turned back to her, Meredith had flipped over and was reaching for him, unwilling to wait. She whimpered in the back of her throat and called his name. She climbed up in his lap, sitting pressed to his erection. She kissed him, frantically rubbing her woman's cleft against him demanding satisfaction. He pulled the string to the tiny bow on the side of her panties and they slid undone.

She frantically worked to impale herself. She needed him right now, oh God! He adjusted their position for more support and pulled her close with both hands on her slim hips. He lifted her and dropped her, until she was fully impaled. She shrieked, her head thrown back. He grabbed her hair to pull her head forward so he could smother her screams with his deep throat kisses as she ground up and down against him, inner muscles squeezing him tightly. He let her set her own pace, more than excited with the result, hoping he'd last until she'd finished. Finally, he closed his eyes and buried his mouth against her neck just where it met her shoulder, drowning in her scent, sinking in her passion.

"Meredith! That feels so good, baby, please, I can't wait much longer."

"No... noo... don't wait... don't wait! Now, now... now!" she encouraged him, on the tip of the apex herself. Derek, relieved, let himself go, groaning in sexual release. She was one second behind him, wrapping herself around him as tightly as she could, rocking hard on him. The two of them twisted and spiraled together in orgasm and joy.

The semi-transparent silk fluttering around Meredith pleased Derek with its added texture, but he wanted to hold his girl naked against his racing heart so he slipped her gown up and off over her head, before cuddling her back where she belonged. He stroked her smooth back and held her still when her body quaked with ecstatic aftershocks. Mer laid her honey dark head on his shoulder and sighed, replete. She fisted her hand in front of her face, against his chest, closed her eyes and yawned, snuggling to him contentedly as her body calmed.

Derek loved this part of making love to his Meredith. She was so cuddly and warm, sleepy and happy, after he loved her. He held her long after he should have let her lie down, unwilling to disengage from her. He petted her silky skin with long, smooth strokes, until his own eyelids drooped and he realized her breath had slowed to her twilight zone just before sleep.

"Okay, sweet girl, you have to move," he whispered.

"Mm no, Derek, don't make me," she pouted as she refused to budge.

"Okay, we'll stay like this all night."

"Okay," she agreed.

"Of course, if the condom slides off, you could get pregnant," he pulled out the big guns.

That popped her eyes open, "Okay, okay, sheesh! I'm moving. No need to get violent."

He patted her bottom as she climbed free, "I hope we do have kids one day. I just want us to plan them, that's all."

Meredith froze. She slowly turned back to face him, "Really? You'd have kids with me? Me?"

He looked confused, "Of course I would, I love you."

Meredith threw her arms around his neck, "You really love me."

"I really do."

"I love you too."

_**Please review. I am so lucky to have all my great reviewers. Thank you. samantha**_


	18. Did You Forget Something?

_**Grazie, as Papà Guiseppe would say, to my Livejournal friends who helped me resolve where I needed to go next with the Acts and Dreams season 3 substories. Grazie, also to all the folks who reviewed. You know I love you, right? sam**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 18:** **Did You Forget Something?**

Interns all over the noisy locker room hurried to finish dressing for rounds. They chattered loudly back and forth as they pulled on pristine white lab coats tagged with hospital credentials. The bar of color on the top of every tag was bright surgical intern blue. O'Malley did his customary check of chest pocket, hip, right front, testicles, penis, left front, outer left pocket, outer right. Yep. All was in readiness. He glanced over at the others. Alex was already leaving. Izzie was a few seconds behind him. George and Cristina started for the door at the same moment. Neither wanted to be last to show up for rounds.

Meredith watched them leave and sighed as she thought of _Papà_ Guiseppe again. He'd be leaving Seattle soon. It was more than three weeks since _Papà_ Guiseppe had left the hospital. Michele and she had met for lunch twice, coffee three times and dinner with Derek once. Derek had even taken Michele fishing once out on the lake. Michele had insisted that she was his cousin no matter what anyone in his family said. She was to stay in touch this time. Even if she was never home, she had email and text message capability at work, use it! Yesterday, Derek had warned her that he was about to clear Guiseppe for travel.

She shrugged into her lab coat just as another burst of pain blew through her heart. Guiseppe had left her paradoxically both all at once and incrementally, at the same time. She lowered her head and focused on her black and white tennies as she panted through the literal physical gut wrenching pain. Three parents found her completely forgettable. Why was she always so forgettable to her parents? She missed her _Papà. _This burst was more intense than the last. It was as if her system had portioned out the pain and angst and she was processing it one portion at a time, while the rest was held in a static queue of numbness.

She had long moments of rest and even peace or forgetfulness in between bouts. How clever of her system to be able to do it this way, so she didn't break down completely in sadness. Like George and Cristina and Izzie, she was still on her feet, still functioning, still working. At least, unlike them, her system had a lot of practice handling this kind of thing.

Mer blew out her breath and thought of her very, very sexy bad boyfriend. She used him as her happiness talisman. Thinking of him could almost always lift her spirits these days. (How times had changed. Just a few short months ago thinking of Derek could make her spirits plummet to the basement.) She pictured him naughtily pinching her bottom and then rubbing out the sting in the elevator on the way in this morning, and smirked. He'd done it all, of course, silently, behind Dr. Bailey's back. She couldn't even defend herself, the dog! She'd get him back. Yeah, she tried to think of a delicious torture designed just for her "luvah", as Izzie would say.

_Okay, I can face the day,_ she thought, pushing ever present pain back and pulling Derek forward, _amazing what a pinch on the posterior from the right guy can do._

"Grey! Are you deigning to join us today, or what?! Hustle!" yelled Bailey from the doorway, the rest of her group piled behind her. Meredith glanced at the clock as she hastily sped after the Nazi. Four fifty. As usual, ten minutes early was late to Bailey. Meredith sighed again. Maybe, there'd be a cool surgery to be had today. She felt better at the thought.

As she ran out the door her thoughts touched on all the arrangements she'd finalized over the last week. All of the papers for the anonymous distribution of funds to her friends and family were signed, sealed an delivered. Some of the money had already been paid. The rest would pay out over the next two months. Meredith felt a strange mixture of relief, joy, pain and sadness. It was a relief to use the money for good causes and a joy to help friends and their families. It was painful to accept money once again as a substitute for love and it saddened her to think of _Papà_.

_God's speed, Papà._

Bailey's cadets... er... interns marched after her through long, winding corridors to get to their first patient. It gave them time to gossip and to catch up with each other. Or was that just to get on each other's nerves?

Karev took the opportunity to harass O'Malley on the _Kama Sutra_ marathon his life had become. According to Torres, ol' Georgie-porgie had gone crazy with the sex. That just made Alex laugh. When O'Malley blushed beet red after Karev gave him a particularly graphic suggestion of a contortionist's sex dream, Alex chortled harder and drew a nasty look over her shoulder from Bailey.

Izzie elbowed him in the ribs and frowned, not amused by his antics. Poor George was displacing his grief at his father's sudden death into sexual gymnastics, anyone with half an eye could see that. Even if he _was_ embarrassing himself... rubbing his poor girlfriend raw... and making noises through the walls that sounded like three moose, an elephant and a howler monkey having a barroom brawl – leave him alone. Alex laughed harder, silently, so he didn't draw Bailey's fire. George's ears burnt crimson at Izzie's well meant, but ill advised defense. Bailey rolled her eyes and pretended deafness.

Yang and Grey brought up the rear. With practiced ease they ignored all the crapola taking place in front of them and had a private conversation while they could.

"So, silence is still in session?" Mer asked.

"Yes! And you have no idea how loud it can get until you're being battered with it. I'm getting tired of Burke's childishness. He's supposed to be a grown up, not a two year old. He was wrong, Meredith, and he can't admit it. I was right and he was wrong. Damn it! He has to have absolutely his way in all things or he punishes me."

"Punishes?"

"No surgeries, no sex, no speaking, no questions answered about the latest procedures in JAMA, no cooking, no cleaning up after me, and now, no telling me about the latest surgical results on his hand tremor – _he punishes_." Cristina was growing more and more disillusioned with the man she loved. How could anyone that amazingly brilliant be that immature? A spoiled mama's boy? She might have to be the one to give in first. As much as she thought she was right and wanted to stand on principle, she might have to give in for the sake of peace – for the sake of getting laid – worse, for the sake of the long term commitment she'd made. The thought made her queasy. Damn it. She grimaced.

Meredith watched Cristina work at coming to terms with this latest boyfriend mess. She kept flashing back to the awful sight of Cris covered in blood running down the hall and she thought of Burke. He was certainly interesting – a typical cardio-God – distant, arrogant and haughty. He was brave. He'd never flinched during the bomb episode and he hadn't abandoned her or his patient, unlike Dr. Milton, the cur. She just didn't get the Burktina of it all. They were interesting, for sure, and Cristina had seemed fairly happy at times, but she wouldn't want to poke that relationship with a stick to see what was underneath. ...Well, she was no relationship expert, for sure. What did she know? She just wanted the best for her BFF and she wanted her to be happy, that's all.

Meredith was sorry Cristina was miserably unhappy and complaining to her, but she was also guiltily relieved at the same time that it wasn't the reverse, as it had been for over five months. Meredith thanked her lucky stars that she and Derek were happy together finally. They weren't playing games, like Burke and Cristina right now.

Derek had done what he'd said he'd do. He'd left the She. He'd signed the divorce papers. He had recommitted to Meredith and had been there for her, no matter what. He'd chosen her over Addison. He'd chosen her over his mother and sisters. He'd chosen her in the face of all the gossip at work and the hospital rules forbidding it. He'd chosen her even though the Chief had warned him that doing so could hurt his chances of becoming Chief one day. (Yes, she knew about that. They hospital jungle drums had beat that rhythm into her ears only hours after the Chief had confronted Derek. She'd always wondered if his ambition to be Chief had mixed with his need to do the right thing as a good guy, along with 'Shepherds don't divorce', and that was the Mer and Der lethal combination that had made him choose to try to reconcile with Addison all those months ago. She supposed she'd never really know.)

Derek had never cared that she was just a first year intern. He'd always been proud of her, even though she wasn't a perfectly perfect person with perfect hair, perfect makeup, and perfect clothes at all times. He thought she was delicately beautiful and never failed to tell her so.

Derek had even made it possible repeatedly for her to open up and talk about things that she'd never been able to talk about before. Well, to be honest, no one had ever cared enough to ask her about certain things before. People had always preferred Meredith's silence and their own versions and assumptions of the truth. It had always saddened her.

Derek had also made the effort to talk to her about his family in return. In his own way he'd been as much into silent suffering as she'd been. Only, his expressed as stewing lack of forgiveness mixed with brooding and pouting, whereas hers was intense broken sadness mixed with depression and poor behavior. He had chosen to reestablish communication with all five women in his family because she had asked him to and because he was truly making an effort to change his habits. He wanted to be a better man and he didn't want to repeat the mistakes that had led to the debacle of Addison turning to Mark and the end of his marriage.

Meredith turned her mind back to Cristina, "Maybe you could apologize to him, and he could apologize to you, and you could have a do-over."

"A do-over. A do-over?"

"Yeah, you know," Mer said uncertainly, "A do-over, where you forget what happened and start from there."

"Meredith! That is the stupidest suggestion I've ever heard," Cristina scorned. Meredith drooped and shut up. Cristina was right, sometimes she was stupid, "Okay, I'll try it."

"What?"

"Look, I can't go on like this! I've got to do something, and since I can't think what else to do I'll try what you said... a do-over," she shuddered, "This is going to be awful."

"Cristina..." Meredith began, only to be interrupted by their arrival at their first patient's room.

Dr. Bailey was giving a chart to Dr. Sloan just as Yang and Grey squeezed through the door. The room was crowded with ortho, plastics, neuro, and gynie residents, including Dr. Torres. This woman had been a mess.

"Who's presenting?" Bailey rang out, turning to her interns.

"I am, Dr. Bailey," said Dr. Grey, lifting her notebook and speaking loudly enough to be heard throughout the room, "Myra Dixon, age twenty nine, one hundred ten pounds, was raped, beaten, and stabbed repeatedly before being dumped in the street from a moving car in front of a fire station."

"She has stab wounds to both breasts, her right arm, left thorax, and left shoulder. She has a broken nose, crushed cheekbone, and broken ankle. Her left hand and fingers suffered six breaks. She has contusions and lacerations on the inside of both thighs. The patient has the vaginal damage, bruising and tearing, consistent with a brutal assault. Her attacker apparently used a condom as there was no seminal deposit. The cervical markers are also present for forceful non-consensual intercourse. Her attacker apparently did stab her once, two inches deep, in the vagina, with a knife," Meredith paused to draw a breath in the absolute quiet after the horrible litany. She firmed her resolve to keep going focusing on the medicine, not the person, to make it through.

"Most seriously, she received at least two severe blows to the head, speculatively with the knife haft, that caused a subdural bleed," Meredith looked up from her notes as Dr. Shepherd rapidly paced into the room in time to hear her last comment. She acknowledged him with her eyes and continued professionally, "Dr. Shepherd was able to alleviate it in surgery yesterday. Dr. Torres performed surgical repair on both her hand and ankle. Dr. Sloan addressed the knife inflicted damage. He still has more reconstructive work to do on her breasts and face. Unfortunately, Ms. Dixon has not regained consciousness since the attack. Dr. Bailey."

"Dr. Shepherd?" Bailey requested his input.

"Nothing for me to add. We just have to wait. If she wakes, her prognosis is good. He really did a number on her."

"There's still a big chance she won't wake up, right?" asked Rufant, one of Westheimer's first years.

"It's about 70/30 she'll wake in a case like this, with the damage I saw, from my experience. Rufant, check out the literature on that question and be prepared to report your findings."

"Yes, sir."

Sloan was next. He explained concisely his previous work and then delineated the procedure he would use to reconstruct her cheek and breasts. She also still needed a rhinoplasty. Dr. Sloan had been a complete ass to all of the first years. They all had mixed feelings about him. He was a brilliant plastic surgeon, and he was McSteamy, for sure. He was also arrogant, cynical, abusive, and worse, he refused to actually teach unless he was being watched by his peers or Dr. Bailey.

The plastics students were lucky to get crumbs from him. Mostly they watched everything he did and took copious notes, that they traded back and forth like baseball cards. He was merciless when asked a question, so no one asked questions anymore. The one first year who got anywhere with him was Grey, and she kept a low profile with Sloan because of Shepherd. All the plastics residents were jammed in this patient's room now because they knew Shepherd and Bailey would be there, and Sloan would actually give them useful information and teachings for once. When he relented with them he was the best.

Torres concluded by reporting on the ortho portion and the residents filed from the room chattering about the surgeries that were still to come. Bailey was still in conference with Sloan, Torres and Shepherd to one side so her interns waited for her as the rest of the first years filed out behind the residents.

"Dr. Grey, you will be working with Dr. Sloan on this case," Bailey ordered, "Report to Dr. Shepherd if she regains consciousness. Do not allow police officers near her until he examines her and gives the okay."

"Yes, doctor," said Meredith. Finally! A great case. She was excited to learn. She'd be able to watch Sloan at his best. Karev grimaced at her luck.

They all left the patient's room ready to move on to their next patient. Shepherd and Sloan paused together in the hall consulting over another case. The interns followed Bailey towards their next patient even though it was fascinating to listen to the two attendings and they were tempted to dawdle. Meredith lagged along behind the others, focused on filling in her sketchy notes with what Sloan and Torres had said.

"Dr. Grey, excuse me," said a gruff bass voice behind her, loudly enough to draw not only her attention but Bailey's and the interns at one end of the hall along with the attendings at the other end of the hall. Everyone looked curiously at the huge, burly, security guard holding a skinny, scruffy kid by the arm, while he closed on Dr. Grey.

"Yes?" she answered.

"I caught this kid stealing candy and sodas from the gift shop in the lobby," rumbled the sergeant. His name was Pete, Meredith recalled. He had distinctive dark green eyes against dark brown skin. He'd been one of the guards who found Dr. Monahan from plastics months ago when she'd put out the alert that he was missing.

"Yes?" she asked, acutely aware that rounds were being held up.

"Well?"

"What?"

"Well, are you going to pay for what he ate or do I call the cops?"

"What?! Why should I pay?" Shepherd and Sloan were approaching her from one side while Bailey and the interns approached from the other.

Pete growled at the boy, "I knew you were lying. I don't like liars and thieves, kid."

"I'm not lying. I'm here to see her, Dr. Grey," the whelp insisted, tugging at the unbreakable grip the guard maintained. Everyone looked at him, mildly surprised. He was roughly ten or eleven years old with gorgeous black curls, not unlike McDreamy's, he'd obviously tried to flatten and straighten at some point. He was thin to the point of skinniness and he'd obviously just had a growth spurt since his sleeves and pant legs were two inches too short. His skin was alabaster smooth and his eyes – his eyes with their extra long lashes looked familiar, "I was hungry, man, I ran out of food two days ago. She'll pay. She owes me."

"Dr. Grey, is there a problem? We have rounds," said Bailey.

"I don't know, Dr. Bailey. Do I know you?" Meredith asked the boy. She supposed without the sneer the kid would be very boyishly cute.

"Yeah, you could say that," he sneered insolently, twisting his perfectly cut lips.

"Dr. Grey, is this a patient?" asked Bailey impatiently.

"Meredith?" Derek said her name with a question in it.

"No, I don't know him. I think you have me mistaken for someone else," Meredith glanced in confusion at her boyfriend and then in compassion at the scared kid.

Pete started dragging the kid away, "Sorry to bother you, doctor. I'm turning him in."

"No, wait! Are you Dr. Grey?" they could all see the frightened child now peeking out from behind all the brash bravado.

"Yes," Meredith admitted.

Derek shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, fighting the need to pull Meredith protectively into his arms. He had a bad feeling about this. Mark looked curiously at Grey. She always had something up, didn't she? Fascinating. No wonder Derek was intrigued.

"Did you live in Italy twelve or thirteen years ago?" he asked desperately, his throat working as he tried not to cry.

"Yes," Meredith said slowly. Everyone looked back and forth between the two.

"Oh, I got it!" blurted George.

"What, O'Malley?" asked Bailey, cranky.

"His eyes, they're familiar. They look like Meredith's. They have the same... eyes," George stumbled to a halt as all eyes turned to him and then back to the boy and then back to Meredith.

"We have the same eyes," said the almost pretty boy expectantly, looking at Meredith, waiting for something, his Meredith eyes burning.

Izzie felt as if her tongue had swollen to fill her entire mouth. _Sarah._ She took two steps back. She wasn't the only one, she knew that, but Meredith? On top of everything else?

_My God, Meredith and this boy... this boy and Meredith. He does look like Meredith, and not just in the eyes, although that is the most obvious._

"If you're Dr. Grey, then...," the boy finally dropped the words like stones in a still pond of shocked silence. Dr. Meredith Grey froze, recognizing Vincenzo and Michele and other Giordanos, as well as herself, in the boy's face, "You're my mother."

_**Please review. Thanks. samsolace**_


	19. Mom?

_**Eek! Here is the next chapter. I hope you all enjoy it. sam**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 19: Mom?**

"You're my mother," said the beautiful, scruffy, elevenish boy with distinctive Meredith eyes.

Meredith felt a pain unlike any she'd ever experienced crawl like molten lava into every nook and cranny of her being as she realized the truth standing in front of her. _How could she..._

"Mom?"

_Mom._

"Mom? Please," his voice cracked and he looked away to scrub angrily at the hint of moisture in his eyes. He wasn't a sissy.

The world had stopped for Meredith. She carefully breathed in and she carefully breathed out. Black crowded the edges of her vision, narrowing it to a tight tunnel. She swayed unsteadily, a world of pain rocking her, rippling through her guts, tearing her heart, and dripping out her ears. Her tongue felt strangely wooden. For a girl who'd experienced the Baskin-Robbins of pain, this was a new flavor. She reached a piteous hand for Derek, instinctively knowing he stood at her side, even though the tunnel vision prevented her from seeing him.

The interns and Bailey stood frozen staring at Meredith, every face shocked and yet not shocked. Meredith was promiscuous, right? Meredith intimately knew the ins and outs of tequila, right? Meredith was the dirty ex-mistress, right? Meredith was dark and twisty, right? Meredith always did things the bad way, the sad way, right?

_No way in hell,_ thought Cristina, _didn't happen._

_Things like this happen. They happen all the time,_ from Izzie.

_No. Didn't happen,_ iterated Cristina.

_He's standing right there with Meredith's eyes,_ thought George.

_So what? It happened. Kid looks cool. Get over it,_ thought Alex.

_I am telling all of you, not Mer! Didn't happen,_ shouted Cristina.

_Meredith had a son? An eleven year old son?_

Derek couldn't even entertain the possibility. He stared at her as if he'd never seen her before, thinking of what else might have happened to her in a locked cellar or a Tanzanian detention center. She'd had no protection at sixteen. Far better an innocent, sad mistake with a young boyfriend than a brutal rape. The patient they'd just rounded on came back to haunt him. He shuddered at his own horrific thoughts.

_Hey, don't get ahead of yourself. Wait until she says what happened, one way or the other. If anything, you've learned not to jump to conclusions around Meredith._

Derek took Meredith's frozen hand in his warm palm and gently rubbed it, "Meredith," he murmured, "Maybe we should take this out of the hallway to someplace you can sit down." He was concerned over her chalk white skin and enormous unresponsive pupils, not to mention her icy coldness.

"You're my mother! You are! I know it! Who's my father?" and then Meredith heard it. It was the cry of a child for a parent, even a bad parent. Her heart bent and twisted at the terrible sound of a lonely, lost child.

_How could she?_

She gasped for breath, "Wait Derek, wait."

How many times had that note entered her own voice? That look cover her own face? With all her strength, she shoved most of her shock and horror, anger and pain, to the dark and twisty girl who lived inside of her... Later... Much later. She focused on the beautifully shaped little Giordano face in front of her and compassionately read the child's desperation and pain.

"Pete, thank you, please tell Arlene in the gift shop that I'm sorry for the trouble and I'll pay the damages. Please release him to me," Meredith said softly, and then turned to the boy, "I have some questions for you first, and then I'll have some answers for you, okay? What is your name?"

He glared at her suspiciously, and then said slowly, formally, "Zachary Xavier Harrington Smith."

"How do you do," Meredith replied in an equally formal drawing room voice, "I am Meredith Rochele Harrington Grey. How old are you?"

Zachary shrugged one thin shoulder, "I'm ten, almost eleven."

"Your birthday is in the early summer?" he nodded.

"And the name Harrington, who gave you that name?" Meredith was fighting an oncoming tsunami of sadness.

"It was my mom's... my other mom's, last name. Before she married my dad... my other dad. She said it was 'fitting'," he was getting impatient with Meredith's questions, he rubbed a dirty hand over his eyes, "Why didn't you keep me, Mom? Didn't you want a boy?"

Izzie cringed, and covered her mouth with her hand.

"Please be patient, Zachary, I'll have answers for you in just a minute." Meredith flipped her cell phone open and scrolled through her address book, finally pressing send.

"Hello, Mayo Clinic, may I speak to Dr. Hughes, head of transplant services? Please tell him Dr. Grey at Seattle Grace is calling, it's urgent," Meredith's voice crackled with strain. There was a tiny pause while the interns exchanged meaningful glances. Grey was doing the call big names thing again, "Hello, Dr. Hughes, this is Meredith Grey, not Ellis Grey... What? Oh, right, Uncle Jim. Yes, Uncle Jim, you see... I have a very important question to ask you. When did my mother start at the Mayo Clinic?... Yes... Very important... September? What year? Oh... You're sure? Did she give a reason for the delay? Oh... She said she was spending time helping me adjust through the tough time after the divorce? Really?! Oh... Yes, sir, I see... Thank you. No, no. Thank you, Uncle Jim. Bye."

Dr. Sloan, who couldn't have been blasted out of the hallway at that point, found it very interesting that once again Grey showed she had very valuable connections. Hmm. The politically savvy part of him took note.

Meredith looked at Derek with a pained expression, her eyes begging for help. He gripped her hand firmly and nodded encouragingly to her with a half smile on his lips, "You can do this, Meredith."

Meredith turned sadly to the little boy in front of her, "Zachary... I would have kept you, of course I would... but, Zach, I'm not your mother... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

His dirty little face fell, and his light green eyes pleaded with her, "But..."

Everyone stared at Meredith, "I think I do know who is your mother. We'll do blood tests later to confirm it, okay?" she looked deeply into the child's eyes as she gave him his heritage, "I believe your mother is Dr. Ellis Harrington Grey, a brilliant surgeon. I suspect your father is Dr. Guiseppe Nicolai Giordano, the greatest man I have ever known. Your sister is Dr. Meredith Grey, a lowly intern, I'm afraid," Mer paused and gulped a breath, she reached out and gently touched Zach's shoulder, "I've always wanted a brother."

She waited. They all waited, in suspense, for a ten year old's response.

"Me too," Zach smiled Meredith's smile and Derek felt it zing through his system, "Always wanted a brother, I mean," he said insultingly to his sister, just like an irritating little brother.

Mer gave a small choked laugh and reached out to ruffle his curls.

"Sister? Not mom?" he asked seriously with no smile. She nodded.

"Yep, he has Mer's smart mouth and weird sense of humor. They're related," Karev said out of the corner of his mouth to O'Malley. His comment broke the thrall that had held them all.

Bailey shook herself. Even though the exchange had taken very little time for the enormity of the issue at hand, she still hated delaying even a second, even for a good cause, "People, rounds! Grey you are dismissed from the rest of rounds. Take care of this and get back to work," Bailey barked. She turned and bustled away. Her interns hustled after. Cristina bumped Mer's shoulder and said a soft, sarcastic, "Good luck with McBabyBubba," in her ear as she passed her. Meredith gulped.

Meredith was left with a baby brother, a boyfriend and the other charter member of the dirty mistress club. She drew a shaky breath as she looked at each of the three of them in turn. The three guys looked back at her with strangely similar expressions. She was clueless. Derek took pity on her.

"Zach, where are your parents? Surely, you're not in the hospital alone?" his tone demanded an answer.

Zachary looked at his feet and stuck his lip out.

"Are you in the hospital alone, Zach?" Meredith asked softly. She knew about running the streets as a kid, it hurt so much, and he was so little, "Is that why you told the security guard to bring you to me?"

He looked up at her, "Are you sure you're not my mom?" he clearly wanted her to be. Once again Meredith's mind turned to her selfish mother, _their_ selfish mother, _how could she?... she had me locked up, she never even listened to me when I begged her to help me, to let me out of that place... she lied to Guiseppe, she was conveniently absent for a year... she gave away my brother, Guiseppe's son... how could she? She left me in that place in Africa. She never showed up. Well, she couldn't if she were pregnant, right? That bitch... that horrible, self-serving bitch. _Meredith fought to pull herself together, anger shaking her now as much as sadness had shaken her moments before. She was on a crazy emotional rollercoaster of Ellis Grey's making – again. She breathed deeply and concentrated on answering the child.

"Yes, Zach, when you were born, I was just a kid myself, fresh out of a boarding school and a long stint in a convalescent hospital. I've never been pregnant," she said gently, "Now, no more evasions. Where are your mother and father?"

"They're... dead. Car crash last year. I've been in foster care... I left," the stark words dropped like stones from his mouth. His eyes were far older than ten, going on eleven. His expression was almost cold as he waited for her reaction, "I came here to find my real mom. All I had was Dr. Harrington Grey, a surgeon in Seattle."

"Where did you come from, Zach? They must be so worried about you."

He shifted and shuffled, trying not to look her in the eye, "I'm not saying. I don't want to go back there."

"Zachary, I'm not sending you anywhere..." Meredith felt the tsunami of sadness, pain, and confusion rolling closer, poised to crash over her again.

"Meredith, first things first. He needs a bathroom, food, and a bed. When is the last time you slept, Zach?" Derek asked practically, well aware that Meredith was in complete inner turmoil over her mother once again and was trying valiantly to hide it from the little boy.

"Two nights ago. But, I want to see my mother. Is she here? And where is my father?" the child looked expectantly at them all.

"We'll discuss all that when you're cleaned up and fed and rested. You're with Meredith and me now. Everything's going to be okay," Derek's calm, easy manner reassured both the child and Meredith, "After we get you cleaned up, we'll take you to the cafeteria for breakfast. While you eat, you can tell us the details of where you're from and how you got here. Yes, you will tell us so that we can inform the authorities that we have you. It isn't right to leave people worried over you," his voice had a stern note in it.

"Okay," he shuffled his feet, responding to the voice of authority, "Who are you? Are you her husband?" asked Zachary, looking at their clasped hands and Derek's protective stance. Meredith shifted uneasily at the awkward question, and Derek tucked her under his arm, against the warmth of his body.

"I'm Derek Shepherd, Meredith's my girlfriend," he solemnly held out his hand to shake. They performed some kind of adult male, young male sizing up hello ritual. Mer was too shaken to figure out what they were actually communicating to each other. For once her silent speak radar was off-line.

Mark held his hand out to Zach next. Zach looked suspiciously at the tall plastic surgeon, "Who are you?"

Mark raised his hands in the air in the universal 'don't shoot, pardner' posture and said, "I'm just her boss. Dr. Grey, take an hour or two and see to your new responsibility (good luck with that) and then check our newest patient again. Check the patients in 5202, 5239, and 5340 also. Then find me. I'll probably be in my office. I have a few jobs for you today." Derek's eyes narrowed. Mark smirked at him and turned his back, leaving with a flourish, grinning. Somehow, his day had just improved.

"Oh," he said over his shoulder, "You're still on call for my patients even while dealing with the kid."

Meredith rolled her eyes at Sloan's back and grimaced at his smart-ass manner. Then she froze as she realized the head of neurosurgery, an attending, had just had a front row seat to her sass. Not to mention a little brother_ (a little brother!) _had witnessed her insubordination with interest. Meredith groaned at the thought that she'd have to watch what she was modeling to a kid. She glanced under her lashes at Derek to see his reaction. He waited until she tried to sneakily turn away, then pounced on her, pulling her into his arms in the now empty, but for one small boy, hallway. He kissed her hard and squeezed her tight.

"Derek!"

"Gross!"

"So is that the kind of thing you interns do behind my back? Hm... I foresee punishment coming your way, lots of punishment," he used the excuse to hold her close if even for a few seconds, ignoring Zachary's disgusted remarks. Meredith was still hurt and reeling. She needed to be in his arms, but he knew she wasn't going to accept straightforward coddling from him.

"Okay, do you have clean clothes in that back pack, Zach? No? Alright," Meredith blew her bangs out of her eyes, and decided Derek was right, they'd do this one step at a time, "Well, scrubs it is then, until we get home. Come on."

Derek walked with them, flipping open his cell and rearranging a meeting with two members of his team, from the morning to the afternoon. Since he'd been putting in the extra early hours that matched Mer's morning schedule more often than not, he had no problem taking a few hours when he was needed elsewhere. And right now, his girl needed him.

Meredith laid her head briefly against his shoulder as they walked, deeply grateful for his presence. She wasn't alone. She didn't have to deal with the hard stuff that came her way alone. She was finally getting that. She and Derek were a couple, a real couple. Even if Zachary _had_ been her child, she now knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Derek would have stood firm behind her. There had been no judgment in his eyes – only love and concern. Her glow of happiness with him was sustaining her and allowing her to breathe, whereas before she would have drowned in the giant waves of sadness that beat at her. Derek saved her. He was her knight in shining whatever.

Derek tucked her against him again. He knew they were at work. He just didn't care, and for once Meredith didn't put up even a token resistance about propriety. Meredith looked at Zachary's profile as he walked next to her. Ow. She slipped her hand around his elbow, touching him, but not quite holding his hand.

He gave her a sideways look back, reminding Meredith painfully of herself at a young age. Then Zach relaxed and actually slid his arm up and held her hand. An edge of relief crossed his pretty choirboy face. He looked up at the doctor girl holding his hand. She was his sister. He sighed, he wasn't alone anymore.

_**Please review. Thank you. samantha**_


	20. Zachary

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 20: Zachary**

Meredith and Derek sat together on a bench in the deserted intern locker room. They'd visited the gift shop with Zachary in tow, making him apologize to Arlene, the gift shop owner, for shoplifting junk food. Then they paid for his thefts and bought him toiletries. They looked for clothes that might fit, but only found a "Sleepless in Seattle" T-shirt. He was going to have to use a pair of Meredith's scrub pants, rolled up, with the T-shirt. At least the draw string would keep them up on his hips. The child was cleaning up in the intern showers now.

Meredith sat with Derek and said nothing. She held his clever, surgeon's hand in hers and stroked the outline of it with her forefinger, over and over. He looked at the top of her bent head as she curved over his hand, holding it on her lap.

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," Derek sighed, and kissed her crown. He loved Meredith. He did. So, he supposed everything she'd lived through had shaped her into the person he loved today. As horrible as her past had been, he could accept it all, if he just remembered that.

_But, my God, her mother was a harridan._ _What an impossible, hateful woman._ _Meredith is having to clean up after Ellis' selfish decisions again. What a horrible twist of fate that Meredith has to take complete care of Ellis, but can never hold her accountable for her previous actions. She can't even go away and never see her again. Meredith is as trapped by Alzheimer's as Ellis is. She's going to be trapped as long as Ellis lives. _

Derek shook his head over his thoughts. Meredith said nothing. She traced his hand, her own hand stiffening with tension until finally it clenched into a fist.

"Hey, Mer, I'm here," he finally said with great compassion, "Talk to me, pretty girl."

"I can't," she choked out, looking up at him, her eyes filled with despair, "Every time I think I've reconciled with my past and my mother, something horrible comes up." Meredith's face crumpled and she hid it against his shoulder, "I don't want to know any more horrific things about my mother. I just don't want to know. I'm such a coward."

"Meredith, no! No one would want to deal with all the muck you've had to clean up over the years. You're not a coward! You're in an impossible situation with your mother. You can't win, no matter what, because it is all a _fait accompli_, all in the past, and she has Alzheimer's now and can't be taken to task."

"Bitch," Mer said in a tiny voice, buried in his shirt.

"I know," Der gave a small chuckle at the unexpected, defiant word. He rubbed her back in a circle.

"Zachary is my brother, I'm sure of it. I knew as soon as I saw him. She gave away my baby brother, Derek, she denied me any family at all so many times, and Zachary..." Meredith raised her face from his shoulder and he saw she wasn't crying. She was crumpled instead, like a piece of tissue, "My mother... she is the most cruel, difficult, manipulative, exacting, extraordinary person I've ever known..."

"What is wrong with her, Derek?!" Meredith suddenly sat up and demanded angrily. Her emotions were still a roller coaster ride from despair to pain to sadness to grief to disbelief to shock to anger, "Her real sickness isn't Alzheimer's! It's meaness! Pure meaness."

Meredith stood and paced, "She knew how much _Papà_ Guiseppe longed for a child, a son! He was so good to her, Derek, to me. How could she give away _Papà's_ son? How could she?" Meredith's voice went up, then down, in volume.

"She knew how much I wanted a sibling... anyone of my own. She and my father denied me my father's daughters as sisters and she denied me Zach... Did she hate me? I just don't understand. I just...," Meredith stopped pacing, in despair again. She was trying to assimilate this latest perfidy and failing miserably. She hugged her arms tightly around her own body, her heart hurting.

Derek stood and caught her in his arms. She buried her face against his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. He rested his lips against her hair and held her as tightly and safely as possible. He smoothed his hand over her back again, trying to soothe her.

"I know you're hurting, sweetheart, but that little boy is going to come out any minute. I hate to say this, but you have to pull it together again for him. He needs you. We're going to have to tell him about Ellis and Guiseppe."

She turned her face to the side and pressed her cheek to his chest, "Oh my God, Derek, how do I explain all that? How do I explain Ellis Grey to Zach when I can't even explain her to myself? And Zachary's birth parents aren't much better off than his adoptive parents – his mom with Alzheimer's and his dad recovering from a brain tumor. It's bad enough for me. What's it going to be like for a child?"

"Zachary has you, Meredith. He has us. He'll be fine. We'll make sure of it," Derek murmured a reassurance to her.

She went ahead, worried, "And Guiseppe? I'll have to tell him about Mom and me now, because he has to know about Zachary. I was going to let him go, Derek. I was willing for him to have a new life without all the past mistakes. But, now... ? Armando is going to hate this... he'll fight us. Well, at least they're all still here in Seattle."

Meredith lifted her head off Derek's chest when the door to the showers opened and a clean ten year old with tangled wet hair emerged. She caught her breath. Zachary was so beautiful. He looked even more like his father now that all the dirt was gone.

_Oh, Papà Guiseppe, it's a boy! You have the son you always wanted. I have a brother. Your son is my brother. You are my father now more than ever._

Meredith's roller coaster swung into sudden happiness and elation for her beloved stepfather.

"Ugh! Gross. Do you two always do that?" Zach asked all boy disgusted at the affectionate display in front of him.

Derek laughed and let Meredith go, "Not always, but as often as I can convince her to," he said, tugging a strand of Mer's long soft honey hair teasingly and handed a comb to Zach, "Let's go get you something to eat. Junk food aside, you must be starved."

They decided to head for the twenty four hour diner across the street from the hospital, just down the road from the Emerald City Bar. Meredith got Alex to cover plastics on call, clearing it with Bailey, then she and Derek walked the boy across the parking lot. Derek and Meredith sat together on one side of a booth facing Zach. Meredith was frantically trying to think of what to do and what to say. Nothing came to her. She stared at the well-worn menu and felt her mind stutter. How to explain Ellis Grey to a ten year old? A ten year old with her own eyes and _Papà's _face.

Derek ordered hot tea for Meredith at her request and orange juice for himself. He patiently helped Zachary place a breakfast order, while he caressed Meredith's thigh under the table. She was as stiff as a board. She'd swung back to terror.

He was tired himself today and a little impatient with Meredith's extended reaction. She needed to deal with what was in front of her and let the other processing wait until later, but she kept dropping into an Ellis induced twilight zone of her own every few minutes. Part of Derek wanted to coddle her, the other part wanted her to stand up and take charge. It was Zachary who was important now. He was the priority. Meredith needed to be an adult.

Meredith struggled to thaw the freeze that was her normal survival reaction to Ellis' bad. Her emotions felt like bloody raw, fresh ground hamburger under a rime of frost, while her mind was confounded and woolly, her thoughts frozen slushy thick. Meredith sought frantically inside herself for inspiration, guidance, anything, as she looked into her own green eyes across the table and listened to Derek's heavy expectant silence.

Something Mr. Sandage said to her months ago, before she reunited with Derek, came back to her, in this moment of need. They'd been speaking of the difficulty of taking care of their long term chronically ill relatives at the time. He'd said if he found he couldn't run, he walked. If he couldn't walk in large strides, he took small steps. If he couldn't take the small steps he took baby steps. And if he couldn't even take baby steps he shuffled. The point was he kept going. No matter how small the action, no matter how small the step, he took it and was grateful for the progress.

The waitress served Zach's food and their drinks. The child ate swiftly, ignoring them. Meredith stirred sugar into her tea and sipped it. It helped to warm her.

Meredith tried now to back off of the big picture. It kept overwhelming her like the terrible tsunami it was. It drowned her, crushing her under its enormous mass. She made the steps smaller and smaller, trying to come to a place where she could both be there for her little brother, and be there for her own weeping inner child. She needed to shuffle along for awhile, she supposed. Nothing big. Nothing hard. What would that look like? Ah.

"Zachary, I have to get back to work after breakfast. I'm off duty at five tonight. I can't leave you alone in the meantime, so I'm going to call a friend to see if he's available to stay with you today. His name is Mr. Sandage. I think you'll like him," she shook her head at his nearly empty plate. Zach had been way too hungry. Derek signaled the waitress for more toast.

In spite of Zach's protests that he'd been alone for weeks, he didn't need a baby sitter, she wasn't the boss of him, etc., Meredith speed dialed her cell. Mr. Sandage answered immediately and told her he was off duty at the hospital and had already visited Mrs. Sandage for breakfast. He'd been planning on a few hours of sleep. Meredith assured him that Zachary needed the sleep too. Maybe they could share an on-call room? Meredith sighed when Mr. Sandage said he'd meet them in the lobby. One shuffle down. A million to go.

"Zachary, where are you from? What were your parents names?" she asked.

The boy laid down his fork and looked away from her out the window. He didn't want to answer. He'd learned not to trust any adult in the last fourteen months. He wasn't going back there, he wasn't. Derek shifted as if about to interrupt.

"Zachary," Meredith said slowly, her hand on Derek's arm stopping his words, trying to shuffle step her way into meaningful communication with Zach, "I am your sister, I am as sure as I can be without a blood test. You have to understand something. You're mine," she said simply, watching tears form in Zach's large eyes, that he hastily swiped away, "I've wanted you all my life. You're my little brother. So nothing you say will change that. You aren't going back there, even if you want to. I won't let you." Derek sat back. Meredith was stepping up. She was still shaky, but she was trying.

Meredith and Zachary looked at each other. Zachary's green gaze was questioning and seeking. Meredith's was as steady and resolved as she could make it, even though her insides were still half frozen and shivering, "Where are you from?"

Zachary looked from Meredith to Derek, something inside of him relaxing and trusting minutely for the first time in months, "My mom and dad were professors at Princeton. Mom was an anthropologist and Dad was an archaeologist."

He paused and looked under his long lashes at his brand new big sister to check her reaction. At her encouraging nod he continued, "They always took me on digs with them. I was home schooled, you know? They said they didn't want to leave me at home while they traveled," his voice broke and he looked down fighting tears, "We were in Africa for six months on this last trip, and then we came home to Princeton, and they died," he finished in a rush, pain filling his young face and scalding tears escaping his control. They'd been his whole world.

Meredith touched Zach's hand with a fingertip but he jerked it away, ashamed and uncomfortable and somehow angry again. What did this lady in front of him know about losing parents? About being alone? She didn't know how he felt. No one did. His mouth turned down in a fit of the sullens and he turned away, inward, to a place he couldn't be touched.

Meredith's thawing insides froze again at Zach's sudden angry rejection of her. Her brain filled with slush again. She sat back trying to regroup.

_Shuffle, Meredith, shuffle step. You've made progress. He's told you where he's from, you can look up his parents now, even if he doesn't say their names. You can do this. You remember yourself as a pre-teen, that's all._

"My mom and dad had friends all over the world, but no one showed up," Zach finally burst out in the creeping silence, "No one wanted me," he lapsed back into a sullen pain, staring at the table.

"I don't know what to say about those people," Meredith spoke slowly, deliberately, "I don't know them... what I do know is... I want you. I told you, you're mine. And your father will want you, this I know."

He turned his face back to hers at that, his expression a mixture of hope and defiance, "Why didn't he want me before? Why'd he give me away when I was a baby?"

"Zachary," Meredith's lips were frozen numb, "Guiseppe never knew about you. I never knew about you either. Ellis must have found out she was pregnant just after she was offered the position at Mayo. She was a brilliant surgeon and researcher. She wanted to divorce Guiseppe and take the job at the Mayo clinic. She must have thought Guiseppe wouldn't have given her a divorce if he knew about you."

Meredith couldn't say anymore. The tsunami named Ellis crashed over her and she drowned in anguish again. Meredith clenched her fists and struggled not to let either Derek or Zachary see her predicament.

"Please excuse me. I need to go to the restroom," she managed. Derek slid out of the booth and Meredith ducked away into temporary sanctuary. Derek watched her go and then turned back to Zach. The boy was watching him with cool, assessing eyes, too old for a ten year old.

"She means it, you know," said Derek, "she wants you, with all her heart."

"But my mother doesn't want me. She didn't want me when I was born and she won't want me now," Zachary spoke with a combination of world weary acceptance and bitter resentment, far beyond his years, "Why did she keep her," he cocked a thumb at the restrooms, "and not me? Was she so bad that _she_ didn't want another kid?" It was obvious that he referred to Meredith and then to Ellis.

Derek studied the child in front of him, listening to the words he said and the words he didn't say. Meredith was the only one left standing from the whole mess. It was going to be tough for Zachary not to aim blame at the only safe target he still had. Derek chose his next words carefully.

"I know you are only ten, okay, almost eleven, but you have to understand something. You are the lucky sibling in this scenario, not Meredith. Ellis didn't want her either. The woman should never have been a mother, as far as I can see. She at least provided you with a warm, loving family, with both a mother and father who adored you, yes?" Zach nodded reluctantly, "Meredith had your father, Guiseppe, for a few years, that's it. The rest of the time she was on her own, unloved and unwanted. Or if Ellis did love her, she viewed her the majority of the time, as far as I can tell, as a disappointment and an encumbrance. You understand that word? Yes? Then don't ever speak like that again in my presence. It's not Meredith's fault that Ellis was the way she was, and it isn't her fault that your parents are gone. If you give her half a chance she'll love you. She'll love you forever. Once you are lucky enough to have Meredith love you, she never stops loving, no matter what."

Zachary knew the truth when he heard it. His resistance and embryonic resentful blame of Meredith crumbled. The man across the booth made him finally feel safe with his words. Zach sighed and finished his cold toast.

_**I am in my heaviest work season of the year. Additionally, I have family visiting for the summer, until school starts. So updates will be about once a week or so for right now. If I have a sleepless night, they'll come faster. **_

_**I so appreciate the reviews and private messages. Please keep them coming. They inspire me! Some of them make me laugh, a good thing. And the ones that correct my grammar and spelling and typos and Italian are particularly welcome as I read everything over twice, but don't have a beta. Plus my spell check removes punctuation when I use it. Typical AI, it corrects the spelling and ruins the punctuation. **_

_**Hope you're all having a great summer. sam**_

_**P.S. Or winter, for those of you who write me from Australia, Africa, and South America.**_


	21. My Brother, Your Brother

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 21: My Brother, Your Brother**

Meredith let Derek enfold her tightly in his arms. He kissed her softly on the cheek and the lips, before he had to answer a page from one of his residents. She turned her face into his throat and immersed her senses in his scent for a mindless, timeless moment. Her lips clung to her lover's again and she wished she could hide in his arms a little longer. His body pressed to her front felt so good – warm and hard and male – all of him. He was engorged hard and hot just from holding her. Her body immediately dampened for him. She mentally laughed at her own response. He hardly had to try anymore. She was just too easy for him. Her body eagerly anticipated her love and made her ready. She squeezed him to her, still not wanting to separate. She felt suffused with him, yet wanted more. He crooned a soft note deep in his throat as they swayed, holding each other. She tried to give him a little space since they couldn't act on their mutual state. He stepped back trying to let his body relax.

"Thank you... thank you for being there for me again. I don't mean to be such a bother," she said, a little worried that she was putting Derek through too much trouble all the time.

"Hush, you didn't cause Ellis Grey to make the decisions she made. You didn't create even half of this stuff. It all just gets dumped on you at the end." Derek smiled his tender, proud of her, smile, "You're amazing. You've handled everything that's come along – Alzheimer's, brain tumor, lies, loss. Zachary. Everything." Derek's momentary masculine impatience with her vacillation was gone. She'd done as well as she could.

"Listen, I'll try to make it for lunch at one, but I may not be able to. I'll text you." He kissed her again, running a caressing hand over her soft hair, hugging her super tight one more time, before quickly walking down the hallway towards post-op. Mer turned to join Mr. Sandage and Zachary in an on-call room.

Meredith settled Zach in the top bunk. He was barely able to keep his eyes open now that he was fed, warm, and safe. He looked so sweet and little, his defensive snottiness somehow melted away as he snuggled his pillow. Meredith's heart turned over. She felt a pang of... what? She shied away from her unfamiliar feelings.

It shook her, this sudden feeling of warmth and protectiveness for an almost unknown child. Then Zach, in what was apparently an old bedtime ritual, startled her by circling her neck with his skinny arms. With the confidence of a once well-loved child, on the verge of sleep, and with his defenses down, he expected her to cuddle him before he slept. Meredith pressed her face to his curls and breathed in his unique little boy scent, charmed.

"'Night, Meredith," he yawned and dropped into boneless sleep instantly.

She melted into mush at the sound of her name on her little brother's lips for the first time. Meredith's heart swelled. The roller coaster of Mer's emotions dropped into a sudden dip and the bottom dropped out of her stomach. It startled Meredith to realize she was on the precipice of falling in love. Just like that. He was her brother, her child now. She stroked his long, soft, black curls, fighting tears again. The stray thought crossed her mind that he had a softer child's version of Derek's hair. She imagined Derek's children would have this hair too, just like both Derek and Zach.

She could scarcely tear herself away from Zach now, even though her work was piling up and she really needed to get to it. She'd missed his babyhood, his toddlerhood, and his little boy stages. She didn't want to miss anything else. She was being foolish, she knew. What could he do while he slept? She made herself be a grown-up and turn away from the sleeping child.

Mr. Sandage smiled at her, watching Dr. Grey awaken to her budding maternal instincts. He was amused at her surprise at herself. It was as if she had suddenly discovered she could speak Swahili, when she'd never studied it. She'd never expected to feel this way. Certainly her mother had never felt like this, she knew that. She had to talk to Guiseppe about the boy, but if Zach was unwanted by the Giordanos, Meredith would keep the child with her in a heartbeat. Zachary became more precious to her with every moment that passed.

_This is weird._

Mr. Sandage wasn't surprised at Meredith's aroused maternal, protective state. He'd experienced her care and consideration many times towards himself and his wife. He'd also witnessed her abiding love against great odds for both her mother and Dr. Shepherd. He'd come to understand that since she always compared herself against her mother's difficult pattern, she never measured up in her own mind, no matter what. No one could.

"Thank you,again, Mr. Sandage. I'm not sure how I would have handled this if you hadn't been available," she whispered to the old gentleman.

"You're welcome, Dr. Grey," his eyes shone merrily in the dim light, still amused, "I have sons and grandsons and great grandsons of my own. A sleeping boy is no problem."

"Well, you have my pager and my cell. I'll be back at lunch time to check on Zach. Don't hesitate to page if there is a problem," Meredith laughed softly at his shooing gestures. She knew she was over-reacting. She just couldn't help it.

"I'll be primarily on the fifth floor with Dr. Sloan's patients," she said to the closing door. Then she was left facing the firmly shut door feeling ridiculously foolish. She shook her head at herself when she imagined what Cristina would say to her if she could see her now.

_McMamaBear, McMommy, McSappy, McCorney, McFoolish, McMush, OMG, _Mer thought.

Meredith hurried down the hall to the elevators speed dialing Alex to let him know she was back on the floor. In the crowded elevator, she pulled out her notepad and went over Dr. Sloan's orders and comments for her patients. Every few seconds her mind would dart to Zach and Guiseppe, trying to work out what to say to both of them. Each time she forced her focus back to her patients. She read her notes for the third time from the top. She quickly made her way to Myra Dixon's room. The terribly assaulted woman was still unconscious. With every passing hour that she remained so, her prognosis worsened.

_Come on, Myra, you can do it. You made it this far. You're a fighter._

Meredith made the routine checks and adjustments on all of Sloan's patients. She charted carefully and then ran to the labs and radiology, picking up all the reports and films she knew he'd demand the moment he saw her. She also managed to drop off a sample of Zach's blood and a sample of her own blood for routine comparative testing, although she was sure of the results. She headed back up the stairs to Mark's office carrying a stack of folders and paperwork, thinking about getting the blood test proof that she had a brother.

Her heart suddenly lightened as her volatile emotions once more swung to wonder. She had a brother. One of her own. All kinds of possibilities opened up to her. Guiseppe was bound to be restored to her in some ways even though he'd never be restored altogether. _Thank you, thank you._ Breathing deeply, Meredith made herself focus again and rounded the corner heading for Sloan's office.

Mark sat with his back to the door, leaning precariously back in his desk chair, with his feet propped up on a credenza behind his desk. He casually, comfortably read the latest journal article on reconstructing a crushed mandible. He considered the author an amoeba, having met him at a conference last year, but some of the ideas put forth here were very interesting. He narrowed his eyes as he considered which parts were worthwhile and which were worthless.

There was a knock at the door, "Dr. Sloan, I brought the labs and films from Ms. Dixon and your others patients," said the very sexy ex-dirty-mistress standing at his doorway. Hm, and now she had a rugrat. How was Derek going to deal with that? Life in Seattle was wet and mildewy and miserable. It was also fun in a perverse way. He'd got a kick out of watching Derek win his way back into the ex-mistress' bed. He was such a goody-two-shoes. He had been his whole life, always doing the 'right' thing, the expected thing – until, that is, he came to Seattle and fell in instant love-lust with a first year intern, for God's sake.

Mark thought of Addison. He wanted Addison back – back in his life, back in his bed, and back in love with him. He hadn't known how much she really meant to him until she'd left him. Then, when she'd gone to Seattle, he'd panicked. She gave him no time to clean up the mess he'd made with her. She'd just left and headed straight back to Derek. Derek had neglected her for years and Addison took it. Mark made one tiny mistake, well okay, that babe wasn't so tiny, and Addison was out of there.

_How fair was that?_ he asked himself. _Addison was barely giving him the time of day, and now Derek has the sexy little intern, damn his luck._

Of course, Derek had run to Seattle in the first place, giving Mark no chance with him either. He hadn't loved or wanted Addison for years. He'd treated her like a forgotten, used up toy, yet he acted like she was all important when he caught Mark with her.

Addison had screwed Derek's best friend in their marriage bed, knowing Derek was coming home at that time. Then she'd cut up stiff with Mark when he'd had someone just to entertain him on the side three months later, even though she knew it wasn't serious and he loved her, Addison. What was up with those two? He'd known them both for years, but he was obviously missing something about them.

He studied the girl at the door. He liked her, when he'd never liked too many people – not really – including himself. He'd liked her on sight, funny that. Word had it that Derek had taken to her immediately too. She had a certain... something.

"Dr. Sloan?" Meredith asked, uncertain when he said nothing.

"Come in, come in," he said gruffly, dropping his feet off the credenza,

"So how're you feeling, Mommy?" he asked wickedly, "That had to be a jolt. How did the boyscout take it?"

"Sister, Dr. Sloan, I'm his sister, and I'm fine, Derek's fine, we're fine," she pressed her lips together and shook her head at him. She did like him and his wickedness. He always made her smile and somehow she understood him, "And we're not talking about Derek, remember?"

"Aw, why not? You're together now, right? What harm can there be in us talking, just talking?" he ended on a seductive note with an eyebrow raised and a cute look on his face.

Meredith laughed and indicated the folders in her arms, "I'd rather talk about these. I'm concerned with Ms. Dixon's reports. She hasn't regained consciousness yet. I'd like to go over her treatment plan."

With feigned reluctance he took the reports she was extending and perused them, "Oh all right. All lab reports and no fun will make you a very dull girl, Dr. Grey. How would that look to all the other dirty mistresses in the world? Our club will lose good standing."

She smiled with just her eyes, not giving him the satisfaction of a real smile. Then she leaned forward and took copious notes as he rapidly went through his plans for each patient. That afternoon he would perform breast reconstruction surgery for a woman who was having a double mastectomy due to cancer. She was only forty one. Meredith would assist. The next morning, if Myra Dixon regained consciousness today, Sloan planned on taking her into surgery again. Sloan also had a cleft palate surgery on a child scheduled for the morning.

"I hate the disruption switching interns causes, so I want you assigned to me all week. Inform Dr. Bailey," he said a little testily.

"Yes sir," Meredith hid her smile. She'd long suspected that Sloan, like most of the attendings, was a little intimidated by Bailey, and kept his interactions with her as limited as possible. He tended to communicate with her via intermediaries.

Mark was distracted from her by two residents, so he waved her away, back to the floor without even one inappropriate personal demand. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief as she sped away. She checked in on Myra first and noticed she was starting to show signs of awakening. Even as she watched, Myra opened her battered eyes for the first time since she'd been brought in.

Meredith said softly, "Ms. Dixon, you are in Seattle Grace hospital. I'm Dr. Grey. You're going to be fine."

She turned to Nurse Olivia, who was assisting her and said, "Please page Dr. Shepherd. He wanted to examine her as soon as she woke."

Myra Dixon managed to ask what happened and where she was. Dr. Grey reassured her again, choosing her words carefully. Olivia helped the girl to a sip of water with a bent straw. She reassured the patient again while Meredith took her vitals and updated her chart. Ten minutes later Derek came bounding into the room charged with the energy he always seemed to get when he worked. He smiled at Meredith and picked up the patient's chart.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Shepherd. How are you feeling?" Meredith watched him charm his battered and broken patient. His appeal reached right through her trauma. She submitted to his exam and she answered his questions as thoroughly as she could, but they could all see that her pain was increasing. Shepherd adjusted all her meds to his satisfaction, slightly increasing her pain meds.

"Ms. Dixon, the police would like to speak to you about what happened. I know you are in pain and you are having trouble remembering some things, but I think it best for you to talk them now, rather than later," Dr. Shepherd said firmly and encouragingly. She nodded her bandaged head.

"Dr. Grey, please let the detectives know that Ms. Dixon is ready to give an interview," Derek said.

"Yes, sir," Mer turned and hurried to the phone at the nurses' station just outside Myra's room.

A few minutes later Derek joined her and gave her the updated chart and the treatment plan he expected her to follow. Meredith scribbled in her notebook and then smiled up at Derek, her professional demeanor relaxing.

"I like seeing you in the middle of the day."

"Same here," his face softened and he brushed a hand over her hair, "Stay nearby Ms. Dixon's room through the police interview. Make sure she is as comfortable as possible afterwards. Then...," he paused and a wicked grin crept over his face.

"What?" she asked, her stomach clenching at the look in his eyes.

"My noon appointment canceled. Just as well. Meet me then at the on-call rooms to check on Zach and we'll have an early lunch."

"Derek? Wha...?" he'd already run for the elevator. Meredith craned her neck to catch the last glimpse of his backside as he slid through the closing doors.

"Dr. Grey, busy with my patients, I see," drawled a lazy voice.

"Yes, I have been," Meredith answered Sloan smartly, not letting him rattle her, "Ms. Dixon is awake and cleared by neuro for a police interview. They'll be here soon. Here is her updated chart."

Sloan read over the chart leisurely, slyly watching Derek's little hottie out of the corner of his eye, "So... you could help me."

"Help you? How?" she knew he wasn't talking about his patients.

"You could help me get my best friend back," when she glared at him suspiciously, he said, "Ah, come on Meredith! Addison will barely speak to me and Derek won't even look at me, if he can help it. Even though Derek dumped Addison, he still acts as if I'm the scum of the earth, who committed the crime of the century. He didn't want Addison. I did him a favor, really," he had the grace to look abashed at her appalled face, "Well, okay, not a favor, but I didn't stab him in the back the way he thinks I did either."

Meredith raised an eyebrow and asked, "Have you mentioned to your therapist the wings of denial you're currently flying high on?"

"Help me, help me get him to at least start to think about forgiving me," he implored.

"Why? Why does it matter so much to you? You seem to go through people rather easily," Meredith inquired pensively.

"Derek...," Sloan paused and it actually seemed painful for him to gather his thoughts, "Derek has always been the exception to that rule. I always made sure I was careful with him. He's a ... brother, you know?"

"Mark, really, this isn't my business, but how can you say you were being careful of Derek when you were having sex with the Adder?" Meredith used the name without thinking.

"The Adder?" Mark laughed surprised, "Whoa, you like to live dangerously."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that was juvenile. I keep trying to stop. At least I didn't say McAdder," she mumbled, then back on topic, "How could you have sex with Addison?"

Mark shifted uncomfortably, "Just help me, okay?"

"No, I won't. Derek and I are just now back together and I won't risk our relationship for someone who won't be honest with me."

"All right," Mark pulled Meredith into the office behind the nurses' station, away from the curious looks they were beginning to attract, "Look, I love Addison, you know that. I've been in love with Addison since before they were married, I admit it. It didn't matter that women came and went. They weren't Addison. I went to her before the wedding and asked her to consider me. She laughed at me. Thought I was joking, I guess. But, I think, somewhere inside she knew, she must have known that I wasn't kidding. I wanted her. I stayed away the whole time – eleven years. Never mentioned it again. Then, one day she found me in the cocktail lounge I always went to after work. Addison, of all people, asked to buy me a drink. The next thing I knew we were drunk and she was talking about how it had been so long. She'd show him. It was like I won the lottery. Addison wanted me. She wanted _me_. I ... I wasn't thinking of Derek. I was feeling -- hoping – that Addison might love me after all." He paused and looked at the floor before looking at the non-judgmental green eyes in front of him, "Addison doesn't love me. She never did. I wanted to believe she did. I think she wanted to believe she did. She just used me to punish Derek. I'd lay odds she knew when he'd be home that night. She wanted to hurt him and I was the stupid convenient weapon."

"She thought it would shock him into doing something in their relationship?" Meredith asked softly, "She must have been so desperate."

He gave a bark of bitter laughter. The only other time Meredith had seen him this real was in the bar the night after she first saw her father again, "It did that all right. He left Addison that night and New York a week later. He was through. Through with her, me, New York, his family, everything."

"I want a second chance, Meredith. I know I don't deserve it. Hell, I'm everything everyone says I am. But, Derek, he's my brother, and I want to know him again."

The words "he's my brother" got to Meredith. Today, she had a brother. She wanted to know him and she was feeling the loss of all the years of their separation. She wouldn't wish that on anyone – especially Derek – especially Mark. She found herself wanting to help Mark, and then she saw the covert look he was giving her out of the corner of his eye.

"Manipulator! The timing of this so tender request wouldn't have anything to do with Zachary showing up today, would it?!" she demanded, not knowing if she should feel incensed or admiring over his cunning.

"Okay, so I chose the timing well," he shrugged unabashedly, "It doesn't mean I'm not serious. I do want my brother back."

"So you'll owe me, right?" Meredith asked, determined not to let him feel like he was getting away with something.

"Ye-ah," he slowly, suspiciously answered.

"What are you willing to trade?" she boldly asked, chin up.

He looked amused and surprised and a little admiring of her, "What do you want?"

"I'll promise to mention you to Derek, and to mention the possibility of forgiveness. You promise to take Alex Karev as your intern for the next two weeks and really teach him. No baloney. No harassment. No personal demands. And while you're teaching him that first week, when I'm there, I'll get to learn too."

Mark gave another bark of laughter at her boldness. But, this time it wasn't bitter. He really liked Derek's baby girl. The little intern had chutzpah.

_**The seminar I was teaching finally ended on Sunday, so I actually had time to write today. I was so happy to be writing again. I'm a little tired and blue, so I hope it doesn't show in the writing. I also hope the story entertains you. sam**_


	22. Work and Dreams

**Dreams of Love **

**Chapter 22: Work and Dreams**

Meredith hovered outside Myra's room listening to every detail of the girl's horrific experience. She didn't want to, but she knew that both Sloan and Shepherd expected her to standby and rescue Myra from the detectives if her health was further threatened by the arduous process of the interview.

The two detectives were from the Seattle Police Special Victims Unit. Meredith knew one of them slightly, from having danced with him at the last firefighter/ police/ paramedic charity ball. His name was Kringle. She remembered they'd laughed over the fact that there was no relation. His partner was a hard bitten woman in her fifties that resembled Addison Montgomery, of all people. She wasn't as beautiful as Addison though. She was like an even taller, blurred, distorted Xerox. Meredith couldn't remember her name so thought of her as McXerox, a la Cristina, in the back of her mind.

Myra's face ran with tears from her bruised eyes. She told her story, then told it again. Then she submitted to minute questioning about every point. She had some memory lapses due to the blows to her head. Finally, Myra couldn't answer any more. She laid her bandaged head against her pillows and closed her eyes, ignoring the persistent detectives. Her hands twisted and tortured the bedsheet. Dr. Grey intervened at that point. She tapped her watch, silently telling them time was up. She checked Myra's vitals and gently brushed Myra's hand with her fingers, trying to reassure the silently weeping woman.

"They're gone. It's over. Please rest now. Sleep if you can. Sh. You're going to be all right, Ms. Dixon," Meredith had the events indelibly in her own mind's eye now, from Myra's words as well as from the witness of Myra's bodily injuries. She forced herself to remain professional when she wanted to shudder and look away. Poor, poor lady.

"Dr. Grey, don't let them in again, okay? Okay?" Myra Dixon pleaded, wiping her nose again, "Not today."

"No, no, I won't," Meredith said hastily, "Have you heard from your mom? When will she be here?"

"She said this afternoon. Maybe, I'll sleep until then. Thanks, Dr. Grey," Myra tremulously smiled at Meredith through the tears still running down her face. Meredith handed her more tissue and cleaned up the used ones. Gradually the flood was easing. Myra finally closed her eyes again and tried to rest, even though her head and face pain was pounding through the pain medication.

The detectives were waiting for Grey outside the patient's room.

"What has she told you, Dr. Grey?" asked McXerox abruptly, accusingly.

"That she doesn't want to see you again today. Please leave," Meredith said sturdily.

"She must have told you something! Something when she first woke up. Something before you finally decided to call us," she said sarcastically as her large mannish hands scribbled something in her notebook and her masculine jaw clenched.

Meredith scowled at the nasty Adder clone, "I have nothing to say to you. Please leave."

Kringle took a different approach, "Don't we know each other? Grey, right? The FPP ball, hot, cut out dress."

Dr. Grey frowned coldly.

"Hey, we're just doing our jobs here. We're trying to find a brutal rapist before he rapes again. Before he kills someone. Give us a break," he grinned ingratiatingly. Meredith, who dealt with Derek, Alex and Mark on a daily basis was immune to his substandard brand of charm.

"I have nothing to say to you. Please leave. That is the third time I've asked you. If you don't leave, I'll have to call Dr. Shepherd and security to protect my patient."

McXerox started to say something and Meredith flipped open her cell, calling Derek. Kringle frowned and grabbed his partner's arm, before she said something else to worsen the doctor's attitude. Funny, they'd both expected the doc to be a pushover. They left just as Derek answered his cell.

"Hey, pretty girl."

"Hi, sorry to bother you, the reason I was calling just left," Meredith watched the mismatched Mutt and Jeff detectives enter an elevator, then her face softened at the sound of his voice, "Anyway, I can take leave now. Are you ready? To meet me for lunch, I mean."

"I'm always ready for you."

She blushed, "To eat, I mean."

"Anyway you want it, sweet girl."

"Derek! What's gotten into you? You're making me blush."

He laughed warmly and her nipples actually puckered at the sound, "Meet me in front of Zach's on-call room."

"'Kay."

Meredith folded her cell closed and clipped it to her waistband. She went in search of Olivia and Head Nurse Debbie. She found them both charting in the nurses' station.

"Olivia, the police are finished with Ms. Dixon. Under no circumstances are they to be allowed to see her again today. If there is a problem page me or Shepherd, Sloan, or Torres immediately. Also she is now on the schedule for surgery tomorrow with Dr. Sloan for a rhinoplasty and cheekbone reconstruction. I've charted it. Debbie, will you please pass this on to shift changes?"

Both women murmured, "Yes, doctor."

"Thank you."

Meredith quickly headed for the on-call room and Derek. Her heart beat more eagerly and swiftly in her chest for her lover. She was excited to see him again and it had only been a few hours. She really was a McSap, she thought, mentally giving a nod to Cristina, then laughed.

Meredith quietly opened the on-call room door and peeped inside. Both Mr. Sandage, in the lower bunk, and Zachary, in the upper bunk, were still sound asleep. Zachary's face was angelic in sleep. Mer's heart sighed over the sight.

Meredith backed out and was softly closing the door when hard, warm arms encircled her from behind, locking over her soft tummy and pulling her curvy bottom tightly against Derek's erection. She stifled a yelp when his stiff member probed hard between her bottom cheeks and legs. He buried his lips in the side of her gardenia perfumed neck and growled approval as he sexily rubbed against her.

"Derek!" she half gurgled and half squealed as he licked and nibbled her neck sending hot thrills through her body, "Are you crazy?! We'll be seen." She frantically looked around the deserted annex hall, "What in the world?!"

"You, my love, are way, way smart," Derek dropped kisses up the side of her neck to her ear lobe, "You picked an on-call room all the way over here in the annex, to stay out of the way of most staff," he teased her lobe with his tongue and then sucked it gently, "You and I know most of these rooms are deserted during the day. Purr-fect," he purred and walked her in front of him to an empty room. She went willingly, his captive. He tongued her ear, in and out, while he pumped against her hot crevasse, in and out, totally overwhelming her.

"Derek, you've never brought me to an on-call room before," Meredith gasped and moaned and giggled when his hands swept her front finding all kinds of hot, tender places. He backed them both up nudging the door shut and locking it one handed. Then he slid both hands just under the hem of her undershirt.

"You, my little witch, bewitched me this morning," Meredith shivered and willingly cooperated when he lifted her shirts off over her head, "I've been walking around since six thirty this morning ready to go. Over five hours of patients, interns, reports, and a short, minor surgery – all the while totally aroused. All I could think about was every way I wanted to make love to you. You now have to pay, girlfriend, pay large."

Derek buried his mouth in the side of her neck again scraping his teeth over her vulnerable flesh sending hot shivers rippling over her skin. He took his time licking and kissing and occasionally nipping. Meredith's eyes closed and her lips parted, mewling her need to him now. He'd totally swept her away. She had no awareness anymore of being at the hospital or of Zach two rooms away. All she knew was her dream lover's mouth firing her to a white hot pitch, with his hard warm body covering her entire back side and his hands dominating her feminine front. His familiar scent intoxicated and seduced her. Her knees almost buckled when his jaws closed over the back of her neck. Then she instinctively went very still signaling to her dominant male lover her submission to his need to mate.

Having been assured he'd get his way, he swirled his tongue over the back of her neck and kissed his way to the nerve rich trapezius muscle draping her shoulders. He carefully nibbled and licked every inch, stimulating her hotter and wetter with every touch of his tongue. Gasping, she leaned forward holding onto the back of a chair. The move thrust her bottom back at Derek and he took full advantage, kneading and squeezing it even as his hips kept pumping against her at a steady rhythm. He unhooked her bra letting her breasts sway free under her bent form.

"Oh, baby, I love the way you feel," he groaned as he slid his palms very lightly over her pendulous breasts. Still softly biting and kissing her shoulders and neck, covering her, he filled his hands with her breasts and lifted their soft weight, squeezing and kneading her there too. He caught her nipples between his fingers, pinching and rolling them to stiff erotic attention. The sensation he evoked milking her breasts made Meredith grip the chair hard. She couldn't help rocking back and forth against him.

Derek slid a hand over her tummy playing with her belly ring and seeking out her drawstrings. He pulled the strings, freeing her from the scrub pants.

"Kick off your shoes, Mer," he instructed raspily, pushing her scrubs down her legs.

She struggled to obey him even as she writhed in excitement as he kissed his way down the center of her back, pausing to lick the dimples in her low back above her bottom. Meredith finally freed herself of all her clothes except her soaked mint green panties. Derek slid two fingers under the elastic and pulled them down over the enticing plump curve of her buttocks. She stepped out of them and kicked the last of her clothes away, completely nude while he remained completely dressed. Both of them felt their sexual amperage increase at the realization. She was available to his whim. She pressed her thighs together and burned with excitement.

Meredith wanted to straighten and turn to her lover, but his hand firmly pressed on her back stayed her. He knelt on the floor under her and lifted his mouth up to her dependent breasts. He swirled his tongue over the extremely sensitive areas of her breasts around her aureoles, then rasped his midday stubbled cheek directly across the tips, sending her to her toes in startled reaction. She dropped one hand from the chair back to his shoulder, clutching his heavy muscle. Derek gently massaged and kneaded each breast with both hands while he fiercely suckled her engorged raspberry nipples, listening to her inarticulate whimpering cries. She grasped handfuls of his silky curls, plunging her fingers through them, and pressing his mouth tightly to her breast. His head filled with the luscious scent of gardenias, his mouth filled with her breast, and his heart filled with his need for union with her.

Still licking and suckling her breast he slid his hands down her smooth curved abdomen to the patch of soft golden brown curls covering her woman's mound. Shivering and aching, Meredith stepped sideways with one foot to widen her stance and allow him access. He ghosted the fingers of both hands over her inner thighs, through her pubic hair, and over and over her sex. He didn't rush to penetration or probing past her outer folds. He just caressed her repeatedly until she was so swollen with need she was as hot and throbbing as he was. He finally let her tender nipple pop out of his mouth and he laved her tummy all the way to her ring. Her belly tremored and quaked in his wake. Mer fought for breath. He plunged his tongue into her tiny navel while she straightened up. She held him to her with one hand in his hair and gently rubbed her well loved nipples with the other. Sparks still flew from them along hot nerve endings to her clitoris and vagina. Creamy fluid filled her folds and dripped down her thighs scenting the air with a feminine spice.

Derek wanted to be the one for her. He wanted to give her immeasurable pleasure and joy. He grasped her plush buttocks in both hands, pulling her sex to him, and licked her deeply. She gave a stifled scream. He long licked her, unfolding her with his tongue, one petal at a time. She almost hummed her pleasure as she opened her thighs wider and angled her hips. He plunged his tongue repeatedly in her depths simulating the mating act and driving her twisting mad with lust. Then he licked between her tender inner folds to her swollen nub. His velvet soft tongue dueled with her clitoris faster and faster, until he pushed her over the edge. She buckled, her body bursting with ecstasy. She muffled her scream with her fist and started to crumple to the floor. Derek caught her and held her possessively against his heaving chest until she could stand again. He slid practiced, clever fingers into her folds again and brought her easily once more to orgasm. Sensations compounded one on top of the other for her. She rubbed and danced against his hand, holding onto his shoulders and squirming. She couldn't stop moaning; she was almost wailing the sensations were so intense. He dropped his arms and looked into her sex drunk green eyes.

"Undress me," he ordered her throatily, his penis throbbing hard with his accelerated heartbeat. He couldn't help rubbing it.

"Yes... yes," she whispered, hastily fumbling with his shirt, trying to pull it off over his head. He didn't help, merely watching her out of passionate indigo black eyes. He reveled in this beautiful naked girl, his to command.

She managed to get his undershirt off next. She started to rub her hands over his chest but he pushed her back, a little roughly. Her nipples puckered tight at his continuing dominance. She licked her lips and his blue black eyes followed the movement of her pink tongue. She knelt at his feet and untied his trainers. She pulled them and his socks off, trying to press a kiss to his massive erection, but he held her back.

"Derek... please," she begged.

"Take off my pants," he commanded her gruffly, ignoring her plea.

She shivered and moaned helplessly when he helped himself to her breasts again, restimulating her nipples with every gentle pinch and pull. She could hardly make her fingers obey her as she pulled his drawstrings and opened his scrubs. She lowered them to the floor and he stepped clear. His black cotton shorts were tented over his erection. He unthinkingly cupped it, needing relief.

Meredith murmured, "Let me..." and she slid his shorts free, avidly watching him spring forth.

She pressed forward to engulf his penis but he wouldn't let her do it on her own. He needed to control her now. His excitement made him tremble with his own overwrought nerves. He grasped a fistful of soft hair at the back of her head and held her still.

"Look at me," he said in an almost guttural voice, "Open your mouth," he pressed his length as far as he could between her lips, and made her grasp the root of his sex hard in one hand. She cupped his testicles with the other. The whole time Meredith looked into Derek's eyes, enthralled. She loved him so unconditionally, she wanted to be whatever he needed, whenever he needed it. He slowly pumped in and out of her warm, wet mouth watching her lips slide on his shaft. She suckled him as he had suckled her, her huge green eyes never leaving his face. Against his will his pace quickened and he thrust harder, his belly contracting and rippling with feverish frenzy. _Oh God, her mouth felt so good._ He panted, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back, exposing the long line of his throat. She made love to him with her mouth as long as she could, knowing he loved it. Then she gagged at his force and he pulled back instantly. She kissed the tip of his erection and licked the head, before he growled and pulled her up.

Derek frantically pushed her in front of him to the bottom bunk bed, placing a pillow on the side of the bed and sitting her on it. Meredith lay back when he gave her a tiny push. Her head was lower than her hips which would give her an extra rush when he brought her again, he knew. He stepped between her knees opening her legs. He ran his hands all over her body, Braille reading her, wanting to touch her more. He opened a condom and started to roll it on.

"No... Derek... don't. Leave it off... make love to me now." Meredith crooned seductively, her hips propped up on the pillow, open for him.

"What...? Baby, we have to use..." he was stumbling over his words trying to think coherently, looking from the glistening paradise between her legs to her flushed face.

"I was going to surprise you... tonight... all tests are clear... I've been on the pill for... over a month... please... Derek... please, now."

Not able to wait one more moment, he threw the prophylactic on the floor and lifted her legs up over his elbows, his hands flat to the bed. He fitted his straining length to her ruby pink opening and pressed naked into her hot, wet depths. They both moaned. The wet sensation was mind blowing. Already revved to a fever pitch from her lovely mouth, Derek was rapidly made completely mindless by his unrestrained bare thrust. He watched his shaft enter her ruby sheath over and over, the sight making him groan deep in his chest. Meredith watched too, moaning and mewling with every delicious deep stroke.

He caught her ankles in his hands and stretched them up, next to her ears, making her completely vulnerable, and allowing him to plunge to her cervix. It was almost a binding feeling for her. Her body was folded in half restricting her, but her dripping sex was completely exposed to him, and vulnerable to his deepest possession. He lay full length against her and pushed hard, leveraging his deep, hard thrust from his feet against the floor. They would have rocked the furniture if it hadn't been bolted to the floor. She felt him bumping against her uterus escalating her ecstasy to a higher level.

Meredith licked her lips, tossing her head back and forth. Derek wanted to kiss those lips. He pulled one of her legs down and let her wrap it around his waist. He rode higher on her, sliding his torso up. He curved his arm around her head and breathed her name. She opened her eyes a crack and and breathed his name back against his lips like a benediction. He had become her heaven. Everything that was wonderful in her world had him at its core. She couldn't imagine her life anymore without him.

He closed his lips over hers and kissed her. They kissed sweetly, deeply, smelling and tasting themselves on each other. Derek lay his face on his arm against hers and pumped harder making her cry out. She muffled her shriek of release against his throat, convulsing and shuddering hard around him. Minutes passed and he kept moving even as she ratcheted down.

He loved the relaxed, melted feel of her body after she came. He could let himself go now, no longer waiting for her. He tucked his head down, her hands buried in his hair, and physically worshiped her with all the strength of his bowed body. Her body accepted the passionate pounding he poured into it, completely receptive. She gasped and threw her head back when she finally felt his hot, spurting semen deposited deeply inside her sheath. The heat seemed to spread through every cell in her body. After long moments, she felt the ache, so she touched his chest gently to get him to let her shift positions.

He wanted to stay buried in her. He wasn't ready to let her go, so he let her slide her second leg down around his waist matching the other. He wrapped both arms around her head supporting his weight on his elbows. Her lashes fluttered and she gazed up at him a tremulous smile on her lips.

"Wow," she said softly, rubbing her perfect nose against his crooked one, "Where'd that come from?"

"Complaining?" he breathed back against her lips before he pressed a gentle kiss to them, then another.

"Never. Are you kidding? I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I loved it," Meredith kissed him lightly across his jaw and cheek, "I love you. You just surprised me, that's all."

He turned his mouth to find hers, "I love you too, Meredith."

She lowered her feet to the floor, easing the ache in her thighs. She stroked his damp, satin back from his shoulder to his hip, loving him with every touch. She closed her eyes and settled into the feeling of his body touching every part of her inside and out. It felt so incredibly wonderful. She drifted, her face pressed to his, sharing his breath, drowsy with the aftermath of sudden, explosive orgasmic sex.

Derek shifted a little to the side to rest more of his weight away from her. He had no idea what time it was so glanced at his wristwatch, and groaned. They had little time left. That was the problem with mid-day rendezvous, he thought. He didn't have the luxury of holding Meredith and sleeping for the next seven or eight hours.

Derek forced himself to roll all the way off of her in spite of her protestations and clinging hands. He caught her hand that was rubbing across his belly and kissed it before giving it back to her and getting up. He opened a package of wetwipes and gently pressed one between her legs. She started at the coldness and then took the towelette from him, obeying his implicit urge to get moving. He was using more of them to clean himself up. They laughed ruefully at each other as they used every towelette in the small travel package. He leaned down and kissed her bee stung lips again, unable to resist.

"Thank you," he said simply, grateful for his lover, "We don't have to use condoms now?" he asked curiously for an explanation, as he started redressing.

"I went to my gynecologist when we started dating again and got a prescription. The appendectomy threw me off track with all the antibiotics, so we had to wait extra time before we were safe," Meredith explained (still adjusting to life after mind blowing sex), crinkling her nose at her panties, but having to wear them until she could get to her locker, "I had her run blood tests for both you and me for STD's, remember? I took your blood that day, and then we got interrupted by that house fire emergency?"

Meredith's skin was glowing. She was luminous with joy and love. Derek could hardly take his eyes off of her, she was so beautiful to him. He watched her hook her bra and pull her pants up over her slim hips and wanted to take her back to bed. He felt himself stir at the thought. That was ridiculous, he firmly told himself, he was thirty eight, not eighteen. He shook himself and made himself come back to topic.

Derek pulled his dark blue scrub top over his black long-sleeved undershirt and said, "Oh yeah, I thought that idea had been scrapped. It isn't as if I've been with a lot of women..." he trailed off at the look on her face, having spoken without thinking.

"Derek, don't be stupid, you know better, Addison and I have both slept around, even if you haven't," she knew he knew the facts, but sometimes people would rather live in denial. Meredith knew denial better than most, but she didn't live in denial about safe sex, "You didn't know about Mark, so there could have been others. We don't know for sure," she insisted even as he tried to protest that Addison wasn't like that, "She is like that Derek. She was at least once anyway. Also, Mark certainly slept around, even after he was with Addison, exposing her for three months, and who knows about my one night stands," Derek winced.

"I know it is an unpopular topic, but I love you too much to take a risk with your life. Even though we've both always used condoms with all of our sexual partners, we owed it to each other to have blood tests first, before we went to pills instead of prophylactics," Meredith said earnestly, lecturing him, even though he obviously knew the truth too. She just had to say the words out loud for her own sake, "The tests came back negative across the board for both of us. So we're good now," she nodded, satisfied.

Derek pulled her into his arms and hugged her, rocking her, melting for his earnest pretty girl, "I love you, honey, okay? I love you."

_**Please review. I am always thrilled to hear from you. Thank you for all the reviews you've given me previously. sam**_


	23. Again and Again

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 23: Again and Again**

Derek and Meredith sat side by side on the top bunk eating sandwiches and apples in the small amount of time they had left for lunch. Every now and then Derek would lean over and kiss Meredith. Each time he started to lean she presented him with a different part of her anatomy. At first it was her lips. When that became dangerous territory she gave him her rose petal cheek. When that was too much she offered a hand. When he let his tongue dip between her fingers, she presented her elbow. Undeterred, Derek whimsically kissed the tip of her elbow through her aqua colored sleeve and stroked the back of her arm, sending hot shivers through her system. Smiling mischievously, Derek waited. She finally finished her sandwich and turned back to him, regarding him steadily out of huge green eyes. She leaned forward and kissed his lips.

"Derek Shepherd, I don't know what has gotten in to you today," she said, in an almost scolding manner, "But... I'll give you an hour to stop!"

He laughed and caught her to him for a longer kiss. He didn't deepen it, because they really did have to go, but he enjoyed what he allowed himself.

"Are you in surgery with Sloan this afternoon?" he asked.

"Yes, he has a breast reconstruction. I'm really looking forward to learning it... Derek... Dr. Sloan and I talked today," she said, "I know we don't have much time, but I promised him I'd ask you something. Is that okay?"

Derek frowned, some of his post-coital euphoria evaporating.

"Okay, what did he want?"

"He told me that the two of you were like brothers. That when he slept with Addison he lost you not only as a friend, but as a brother. True?"

"Yes," his answer was clipped.

"He would like a second chance, Derek. Please," she held up a hand, "hear me out. Mark is your only brother. I know you love him. I know it. I think he loves you too. I think you miss him and he says he misses you. You were able to give Addison a second chance. You gave Nancy and your mom and your other sisters a second chance. You gave us a second chance. Don't you see, this isn't so different?"

"Meredith, no. I don't want to discuss this. It has nothing to do with you," Derek withdrew. He had a harsh look on his face that she hadn't seen in a long time.

"Everything about you is something to do with me, Derek, don't you know that?" Meredith bravely continued, even as his frown deepened, "Today, I got a brother that I never had before. I've missed ten years of his life. I'll never get that back, but at least it wasn't my choice. You and Mark are separated by your choice, Derek. By your inability to forgive him. He has apologized a dozen times. He is still your brother, no matter what. You need each other. Will you think about it?"

Derek said nothing. He just sat, glaring at his feet. He couldn't get furious with her as he normally would have, because he was still so overwhelmed from loving her, but he mildly resented her spoiling the mood.

"Oh, and by the way, Mark was trying to manipulate me because I just got a brother today. You know how politically adept he is. Anyway, I told him I'd only talk to you if he paid by teaching for two weeks. So he agreed. Of course, I still would have talked to you without that, but it didn't seem right to let him get away with that," Meredith leaned forward and kissed her pouty lover again, "My love, it is time to stop being so angry," he turned his broody face away.

Meredith shrugged and sighed, "I have to get back to work. Derek?" she waited.

Derek slid off the bunk and held his arms up to her. She put her hands on his shoulders and let him lift her to the floor. When she would have stepped away, he turned and pressed her to the wall, stepping in hard against her, surrounding her. She looked up, surprised.

"Meredith, you're my woman. I need you to stay on my side, right or wrong. I need to trust you around him. It would break me to lose you to him. I... I worry, sometimes, about him getting too close to you," his dark blue eyes plunged deeply into her clear green eyes.

Meredith wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on tiptoe to bury her face in his throat. She held him as tightly as she could. He was still insecure about Mark. Amazing. Derek was so McDreamy to her that she sometimes forgot he didn't always feel that way inside.

"I love you. I like Dr. Sloan. I understand him in a strange way. But, Derek, I will never betray you, not with Mark Sloan. Not with anyone. Don't you understand? All the other boys are over for me. You know that. I've found the love of my life," Meredith raised her shiny eyes to his face, "You."

He took her mouth then. He plunged his tongue against hers and pressed his new erection into her belly. Derek looked at his watch – five minutes. Meredith was going to be late. He needed her. He pulled her drawstring and spun her around. He jerked her pants down revealing her bare bottom. She'd decided not to put her panties back on, after all, he'd forgotten that. He feverishly rubbed her smooth, plump bottom reaching down between her legs. Meredith turned slightly looking for something to hang on to. She'd been with Derek when he was like this before, and she knew it was going to be fast and furious. In spite of work looming, her excitement skyrocketed. She found the frame of the bunks and then shifted a little more to place her hands flat on the bottom bunk, her head low between her arms with her golden honey hair spilled forward, her back arched inward and her legs spread. Her intern scrubs were pooled at her feet and her glorious derrière was lifted to her lover.

Meredith's nipples beaded as she felt his warm, impossibly hard shaft probing her and rubbing back and forth in her moist sex. Then his angle changed and Meredith gasped and groaned when he plunged to the hilt, his belly slapping her. He gave her no leeway. His body took over and he rode her as hard and as fast as he could. He threw his head back, eyes closed, the muscles in his throat straining, as he gripped her hips and pistoned frantically. He had absolutely no loverly finesse, just passionate possession.

Meredith closed her eyes and panted, trying to relax her body. This was mostly for him she knew. Then she felt his fingers find her delicate feminine nexus and she spiraled instantly into ecstasy. She stuffed her mouth against her arm and screamed softly, her body tremoring, as he finished in ecstatic release himself.

Derek looked at her long, beautiful back, and slowly regained his senses. He couldn't believe what he'd just done.

"Baby, are you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Oh God, she was so delicate. He usually reigned himself so carefully with her. He gently withdrew, grabbing her earlier discarded panties from the bottom bunk where she'd left them and used them to prevent a flood down her legs. He pulled her scrubs back up, covering her. She moaned and knelt on the floor, her face still tucked away. He wiped off with a tissue and pulled up his shorts and scrubs, absently tying the drawstring.

"Honey?... Meredith?... Answer me, baby," he stroked her soft hair and knelt on the floor next to her, hugging her.

She turned her face sideways to him and smiled tenderly, her eyelids drooping, her breath slowing. He breathed a sigh of relief, gently kissing her cherry lips several times.

"I'm so sorry, pretty girl. I was too rough. I got carried away," Derek was beating himself up, "It won't happen again, baby, I promise."

"No, Derek," she murmured, still smiling tenderly at him, her lashes draping her eyes slowly, "Promise to do it again any time you please. I told you. I love it. I love it any way you want it. I love you."

Derek's heart melted. He gathered her up and held her tight. God, he was a lucky man.

"I love you, too. I know you want me to have family ties, Meredith. It was the right thing to do to get back with Mom and the girls. But, Mark...!?" Derek couldn't fathom why Meredith thought that was a good idea, "We'll talk about it later, okay?"

She nodded her honey head and laid it on his shoulder, her eyes closed. Meredith's body and mind were closing down. She was chronically lacking in sleep, as were all interns. She'd also suffered shock after shock today, as well as her original painful struggle to deal with Guiseppe leaving. She'd just eaten. Top that with her lover's demands and multiple orgasms and her body badly needed sleep. She felt heavier to Derek as she relaxed further.

He chuckled warmly, "My pretty girl, wake up. You have to go to work. Breast reconstruction this afternoon, remember?"

She nodded again, three fourths asleep, and yawned, warm and mellow, wanting him to hush so she could sleep against his heart. She snuggled closer and fisted her hand in front of her face, her breath deepening, drifting to sleep. Derek watched her drop to sleep in a blink of an eye. He sat there nonplussed. He'd done this to her – exhausted her physically after she'd been exhausted emotionally and mentally earlier. She was going to hate this. He flipped open his cell and called Sloan. His extension was the same as his office number. The call clicked and forwarded to Sloan's cell.

"Sloan."

"It's Shepherd. I need Meredith for an hour or so. Do you have a second intern today?"

There was a stunned silence and a medium long pause on the phone.

"Yeah, in fact your girl got me to liberate Karev from running a code team, for a rotation in Plastics just this morning. I'll put him on covering for her. He owes her anyway," Mark snorted.

"Okay," there was another long pause as Derek forced the word out, "Thanks."

"No problem," pause, "Is Meredith alright?"

Was that actually concern in Mark's tone?

"She's fine," Derek said shortly, "When is the breast reconstruction?"

Mark found himself hesitating again, uncertain of his footing, "They should be ready for me at two."

"Will you still let Meredith on the OR floor, if she's a little late?"

Mark actually pulled his cell away from his ear and looked at it for a moment, "Yes... I owe her too. You're actually talking to me."

"She doesn't know I'm calling, Sloan," Derek flipped his cell closed.

Then he immediately flipped it back open and extended his own on-call coverage. He set his watch alarm for an hour. Then he lifted his girl up into the bunk where she immediately curled into his arms, cuddling close, sound asleep. He propped a pillow under his head and pulled a blanket over Meredith. She got cold so easily. He stroked her soft hair, her head on his shoulder, and let himself drift to sleep, content under her slight weight.

ooo

A freshly showered and clothed Dr. Grey scrubbed in to surgery and entered the OR. She was gloved immediately. She met Karev's eyes over their masks. He winked. He was actually holding instruments and Sloan was teaching the interns and residents who were present as he performed surgery. They were all exchanging meaningful glances, no one knowing what had gotten into him. A quick glance at the gallery showed that word had gotten out. It was packed with every surgeon who could spare a moment. Meredith saw Izzie's blond head with Cristina next to her. Meredith nodded at Izzie's enthusiastic thumbs up, glad her mask covered her blushes. She still couldn't believe what Derek had done. He'd simply commandeered time for her.

_Please, God, don't let the other interns ever find out. _

She was at once appalled and thrilled at his action. Time – sleep time – was the one thing all interns longed for. Meredith didn't think very often about Derek's position in the hospital, but she was thinking about it today. Good heavens. Meredith turned to the surgery and winced again at how bruised and sore she was. It had been difficult hiding it from Derek earlier. At least the hot shower had made her feel better, and the fresh clothes helped.

Meredith ignored her aches and went to the table. Sloan was a remarkably quick surgeon. He was exceedingly precise at high speed. The nurses always had to hustle to keep up with him and he tolerated no hesitancy from the other doctors while he worked. Any pause sent that doctor to the back of the room while another took his place. It was a strange surgical round robin.

"Ah, Dr. Grey, your appearance makes my heart go pitter-pat. Please stand at my left," Dr. Sloan said easily. The residents were stunned, all expecting Grey to be expelled for tardiness. There were speculative looks cast at Sloan and Grey, while they both ignored everyone but the patient.

Meredith had to hand it to Mark. He was as good as his word. He taught Alex and herself without all his usual nonsense. Meredith could see Alex's eyes brimming with fervent intensity and smiled behind her mask. Mark caught her eye at that moment and she could tell he smiled his 'what? I'm a good boy' smile back. He was true man candy, this guy. Meredith concentrated on the surgery. She forgot all about her body's love aches. The reconstruction was perfect.

Afterwards, Sloan gave Karev and Grey a boatload of instructions for his patients and demanded that they chart exactly as he liked, not as the hospital or Bailey liked. Then he stalked away, swinging his arms and stretching, saying something about a cappuccino.

"Hey, thanks," Alex said.

"What do you mean? I should thank you for covering for me twice today. I don't know what I would have done...," Meredith felt shaky as she stammered out her own gratitude.

"I know you did something to get Sloan to take me as a plastics intern, Meredith," Alex smiled his crooked smile at her, "The jerk is finally teaching. Thanks."

"Well, it's just for two weeks," she admitted, shrugging, and then wincing as her body reminded her it was quite bruised and achy all over.

"Yeah, well, I'll take what I can get." Karev replied, "What's up with you? Are you hurt?"

"No, no, I'm fine," she said hastily.

"Cuz, you know, I could always give you a free exam," Alex teased wagging his eyebrows at her. She smiled and shrugged it off again.

The two of them split up the work and managed to get it all done amazingly fast. It helped that they'd been partners in so many ways before. They even spoke in a kind of shorthand. Alex and Meredith charted everything as Sloan ordered, figuring his was the deciding vote. They'd do it all over tomorrow if the Chief pitched a fit, but somehow they didn't see that happening, considering Sloan was the star plastic surgeon. Meredith went over the four surgeries they had scheduled with Sloan the next day, bringing Alex up to speed. It was a full hour after Meredith's shift had officially ended that she felt confident she'd pulled her weight and not left Alex in a mess. He was on-call so he merely waved to her as she headed for the intern locker room.

ooo

Meredith pulled off her scrubs just as Cristina came out of the shower rooms clad only in her underwear. George, a few lockers down, unloaded his gear.

"Hey, Cristina, I haven't seen you all day. Still going to try the do-over tonight?" Meredith asked.

"Yes," Cristina grimaced gloomily as she pulled a heavy cotton cowl necked sweater over her head, "Just can't think of anything else. It's been miserable all day. Burke isn't giving an inch," she sighed disconsolately, "Rat bastard," then something caught her eye, "Wait, what the hell is that?" she demanded.

"What?" Meredith said, and then looked down. She had finger print bruises on her hips and sides, revealed by her bikini panties. From the feel of it she probably had similar bruises on her tush and back.

"Those weren't there this morning!" George said shocked, "How did you... ?"

"George! I'm fine. Really, I...," Meredith pulled on her jeans and tried to cover the marks her lover had made in his unthinking frenzy. They were private.

"Meredith! Your shoulders, breasts and belly are marked too. McBastard did this to you, didn't he?!" Cristina exclaimed, leaping to conclusions. George blushed at her words as he realized in detailed living color what Meredith and Shepherd had likely been up to today. He ogled the love marks on Meredith's body, making her feel exposed and dirty.

"He shouldn't have been so rough with you! Wow, Shepherd was a Neanderthal," George added to Cristina's ire, happy to find something he could use to criticize Shepherd to Meredith, still not quite over his lingering ambivalent feelings towards Shepherd.

Meredith was at first embarrassed and ashamed. She tried to hide her body and her face. Then, at the name calling and judgments and the usual leaping to conclusions about her sex/love life, she became annoyed. Derek and she had done nothing wrong. She felt a twinge of guilt at the extra hour at lunch and then reminded herself of all the unpaid overtime they'd both put in in the last ten months.

"Cristina, please don't call Derek names. I love him and it hurts when you denigrate him. I've asked you before. What Derek and I do together is none of your business," Cristina was shocked at Meredith's firm, harsh tone.

"And George," Meredith turned on him angrily, "don't go there with me unless you want me to remind you that the most hurtful, physical and emotional, sexual experience I've ever had was with you. Did you ever wonder why I cried? No! You didn't care. You only ever thought of yourself – then or later. Besides, what have you been up to with Callie lately?" Meredith glared.

George turned white, then flushed brilliant red. He finished dressing and scrambled away. Meredith was now suffused with guilt over how mean she'd been. She usually didn't speak. Look what happened when she did. She hurt people with the whip of her tongue, just like Ellis. It was true _**–**_ and maybe necessary _**–**_ what she'd said, but it wasn't kind. She was guilty and ashamed, but not of loving Derek. Never that. She put her chin up and glared at Cristina. She wasn't going to back down.

Meredith was totally surprised when Cristina said, "I... I... apol... ogize, Meredith. I was mad at him, but mainly jealous for myself," tears filled her beautiful almond shaped eyes, "Burke hasn't made love to me since all this started. Even Bambi gets laid more than me. I don't know what's going to happen. I was taking it out on Derek and you, I guess."

Meredith instantly melted for her friend, she finished dressing in an aqua T-shirt lined and trimmed with purple and said, "Oh, Cristina, Burke loves you, he does. And Derek told me his arm is much better. I don't think he would say that if the tremor were still going to be a problem."

"Did he specifically mention the tremor?" Cristina asked hopefully.

"No, but really, the news is positive," Meredith encouraged, stepping into her boots and zipping them up.

"What about McKiddie? What're you going to do there?" Cristina asked, not very interested but feeling she should ask.

"We're going to tell him tonight about Ellis and Guiseppe. Derek's going to help me." Meredith emptied her locker into her small duffel. She needed to wash just about everything she owned, "Gotta go, good luck tonight."

"You too," Cristina watched Meredith leave, churning with a mixture of emotions. She dreaded the do-over she was about to attempt.

_**Please review. If you just lurk without reviewing, how will I ever know if, like Goldilocks, you find something too soft, too hard or just right? – too cold, too hot or just right? – too big, too small or just right? I'm snickering now at my own innuendos. If you review you can snicker with me. sam**_


	24. The End of the Day

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 24: The End of the Day**

Meredith, still wrestling with a mixture of annoyance, guilt, shame and sympathy left Cristina in the locker room. As she walked to the dining mall, where a text message had said they'd be, she tried thinking of pleasant things, but her mind circled back around to Guiseppe, Ellis and Zachary instead. She was stricken for a moment and then went numb. Her emotional body was on overload. Mer paused before entering the mall.

_You can do this, Meredith._

Meredith breathed deeply and entered the huge space. It was bright and open and full of potted plants and trees. She spotted Mr. Sandage, Derek and Zachary instantly. She hurried over to them. Derek and Mr. Sandage looked up with smiles. Zachary looked up with wariness again. Meredith ignored it, unable to deal with it.

"Thank you, Mr. Sandage, for everything. I checked on you at lunch break and you were both still sleeping. When I checked later, you'd already left. I'm sorry I missed you," Meredith sat next to Derek, brushing her hand down his arm. He slid his hand over her thigh.

"We had a late lunch here and then went shopping for some clothes and necessaries," Mr. Sandage pointed to the new royal blue duffel at Zach's feet. It appeared to be stuffed full. Mr. Sandage handed back Meredith's credit card, "I hope we remembered everything. Also, I found a companion for Zach for the next few days. Mickey, from the lab, has a twenty year old brother, Kyle, home for summer break. He'll take Zach fishing for salmon out in the Sound, if that is alright with you. Mickey and Tommy and Tolliver will also be with them on the boat, but Kyle will take care of Zach both before and after the trip. His fee is reasonable. I checked it all out and I like and trust the young man. Zach would have a great time while you're working. Here's all the phone numbers. Plus, he could bring back a salmon or two."

Meredith was so relieved she could have kissed the old man. He was truly a Godsend. When she tried to pay him for his time he just shook his head at her and said no plainly, without any frills. He stood then and took his leave, mentioning that he needed to visit Lorraine. Meredith called her greetings to Mrs. Sandage after him.

The rest of them left then too. On the way home, they stopped to pick up Italian for dinner, from one of Derek's favorite restaurants, much to Zach's delight. Meredith grabbed Derek's duffel and her own when she stepped in her front door and headed for the laundry room. She needed to stick to her normal routine. She needed to keep the mundane world running while she shuffle stepped her way into talking about her parents (never the easiest pastime for her) with a ten year old orphan brother.

She filled the washing machine with all the scrubs she could find – hers, Derek's, and all her roommates. The hospital supplied laundry service for scrubs, but they all, over time, found it more comfortable to keep the same scrubs as their own. She'd had to have hers altered to fit her slight form, so didn't want to lose them in the great mix at work. She filled a laundry basket with towels from the dryer and headed for the kitchen.

Derek already had Zachary at the table eating a plate full of food. He smiled amusedly at her over the boy's bowed head. Zachary was eating as if he were starving again.

"Sit down, honey," Derek served his own and Meredith's plate, kissing the top of her head, and they joined the child.

They all ate in silence then, peaceful after a terribly long day. Meredith drank one glass of Napa Valley's finest Cabernet Sauvignon and felt most of her aches diminish. That reminded her of her satisfying rendezvous with Derek that afternoon, and she smiled sexily at her lover over the lip of her glass. He smiled back remembering their lunch date too. His eyes filled with naughty thoughts. He winked at her.

Izzie came home while they were still eating and Derek offered her a plate. Iz asked about George, but Meredith couldn't tell her about her outburst in the locker room. Mer didn't want either Zachary or Derek to hear. Izzie and Meredith folded towels in the living room while Derek and Zach cleaned up the minor mess in the kitchen, and Meredith almost confessed. She held back though, privacy still an issue. The girls put another load of laundry in and Meredith couldn't avoid it any longer.

She sat on the couch with Derek facing Zachary in the big, comfy chair.

"Zachary, we'll have DNA tests back in two days. I had Mom's blood drawn and sent to the lab with ours," Meredith started, hesitantly, twisting her hand into Derek's.

"Where is she? Why can't I see her?" asked Zachary frustrated, "Where's my father?"

"Ellis Grey is sick, Zach. She has been for five years. She has early onset Alzheimer's Disease. It is a terrible neurological disorder...," Meredith stopped before she lost him completely in doctor speak, "It's a brain disease. It affects her memory and her behavior very badly. She often doesn't remember me at all... She can get very excitable and angry over nothing. She doesn't have control... She stays at the Roseridge Nursing Home for Alzheimer's patients here in Seattle," Meredith's words trailed away. She didn't know what else to say. Her stomach churned nastily and Zachary's face was pale and sick.

"She's crazy?" he asked, his voice cracking.

"No, Zach, she has a brain disease," Meredith said again as calmly as she could. The distinction was very minor to a child.

"But... she acts crazy?" he persisted, "She won't know me and can't answer my questions?"

"Probably not, Zach. We can try, but don't get your hopes up. Her brain is damaged and she keeps getting worse. Eventually, she'll die an early death, if researchers don't find a way to help her," Meredith said sadly, glad that Derek was still holding her hand. He softly stroked her hair with his other hand.

"What about my father, what's wrong with him?" Zachary's voice was fearful now, he blinked quickly and he braced for more bad news as he looked back and forth between Derek and Meredith.

"Zach, first, I have to warn you that until we get blood tests we won't be absolutely sure Guiseppe is your dad. You understand that, right? We'll see him tomorrow at the hospital and ask for a blood sample then," Zach nodded impatiently.

"Guiseppe may be your father. He was Ellis Grey's husband when you were conceived...," Meredith paused, struggling again inside. Once more the pain of then and the pain of now arose and twisted together in her gut. She looked into Zachary's Meredith eyes, trying to catch her breath.

Derek spoke for her, "Zachary, Guiseppe is in Seattle right now, although he normally lives in Rome, Italy. He is Italian – a heart surgeon. Both Guiseppe and Ellis are physicians. "

"Was he visiting you, Meredith?" asked Zach innocently.

Meredith nodded her head and tried to find words. Her fresh grief over losing Guiseppe choked her again.

"He visited me and he consulted Derek as a doctor while he was here. Derek is a brain surgeon, Zach. Guiseppe was very sick with a brain tumor. Derek was able to operate and take it out a few weeks ago, but _Papà_... _Papà...," _Meredith looked down, away from both Zachary and Derek.

"What?! What?!"

"_Papà ..." _

Zachary had no patience or compassion for Meredith who was obviously struggling, tears finally streaming down her face. She tried to swallow her tears and answer him, but Derek intervened. He held a stopping hand up to the boy, then gathered Meredith to him, letting her hide her face against his soft, black chambray shirt.

"As a result of the surgery, Meredith's _Papà _Guiseppe can't remember Meredith or Ellis or his marriage to her. He can't remember that time period in his life. He has a few other memory lapses too."

Derek paused and watched Zachary's Meredith eyes fill with huge tears. The boy even tried to swallow them down exactly as Meredith had done. Then they rolled down his Botticelli face, out of his control. Derek just opened his free arm to Zach and let the boy sob into his shirt too. Zachary felt as fragile and delicate as Meredith. Derek sighed, feeling utterly incredulous over the entire mess.

"That's enough tonight. Enough," he petted both of them, "Let's get a bed set up for Zach, Meredith. Come on. We'll deal with more of this tomorrow."

Izzie came through the living room archway with a basket of fresh washed scrubs and long sleeved T-shirts topped with a load of fresh socks and underwear. She took the whole scene in with a glance. She cast a sympathetic glance at Shepherd, who shrugged.

"If it will help, Meredith, Zach can sleep in George's room tonight. He's staying with Callie, again. I just called him. He gave permission. Come on Zach, I'll help you," Izzie smiled her best fashion plate smile as she gave him two tissues. She set the basket down, picked up Zach's new blue duffel, and led the way up the stairs, "let's see what Mr. Sandage helped you buy. I always love getting new stuff, don't you?" she continued chattily.

With one last uncertain look at his sad sister, Zachary went up the stairs. Izzie was really nice. She even ignored his tears. Zach scrubbed at his damp nose.

"Meredith, come on, baby, please don't cry anymore," Derek entreated softly into her hair, face pressed to her dark honey head, rubbing her back gently with one hand.

"I'm sorry, Derek, it's just round eleven of grief boxing," Meredith murmured shakily.

"What?" he half laughed at her expression, glad that she was finishing.

"Just something Alex says. You have to deal with grief in round after round, until the fight winds down," Meredith wiped her eyes and blew her nose, and tremulously nodded to Derek, "I'm okay."

Meredith swiped her hands over her face and sat up. She pulled herself together again by reminding herself that she had just made it through the two big announcements she'd needed to give Zach tonight. She remembered the numbers Mr. Sandage had given her and asked Derek to make the arrangements for Zach for the next two days. She just couldn't figure it all out. There was so much she still needed and wanted to learn about Zach and his adopted parents.

_But not now,_ she thought, _not tonight._

She felt exhausted – exhausted and burned out. Too many emotions had beaten her raw today. Not to mention, her body felt equally raw, every bruise aching fiercely again.

_Shuffle step, Meredith, shuffle step, as Mr. Sandage said._

She folded scrubs, and T-shirts, panties and shorts, bras and socks, smoothing each piece and carefully stacking them together by owner. The mindless task calmed Meredith's overwrought nerves. She stood and repacked her duffel with her stack of clothes. Then she repacked Derek's. She left Izzie's and George's folded neatly in the laundry basket. Meredith then went to the pantry and packed food and water into her duffel automatically. She'd done it so often no thinking was involved. She added extra for Alex, remembering he was on call, and she'd be working with him tomorrow. She packed food and water, sunscreen and wetwipes in a bag for Zach. Is that all he would need? She couldn't think. Exhausted, Meredith climbed the stairs to get ready for bed.

She stripped out of her clothes, for once carelessly dropping them on the floor. Tomorrow, she promised them. She slipped a long, thin 'Ariel the Mermaid' sleep shirt over her head and carefully creamed her face, avoiding looking in the mirror. She didn't want to know how awful she looked. She brushed her teeth. The whole time her emotions rollercoastered between numb exhaustion, pain, grief, and acceptance, settling finally into exhaustion.

Izzie came to Meredith's open bathroom door and said, "Zach is in pajamas and washed up, Mer. I got him settled in George's room. How are you?" she asked, concerned over the huge black circles around Meredith's eyes.

"I'm okay, really, Iz. It has just been a horribly long day. So many things happened that it seems like a week has gone by, you know? I'm still not right over Guiseppe, but it is starting to hurt a little less. I'm getting used to it," Meredith moisturized her face and throat as she spoke, relieved to talk about it to someone who wouldn't judge her.

"It was a huge shock this morning for me when Zachary showed up. I can't imagine what it was like for you," Izzie said, "You managed though, Meredith. You've taken care of him like a pro."

"Yeah, well, I had a tremendous amount of help, Izzie – you and Derek and Mr. Sandage," Meredith managed a small smile, "I actually like the idea of a baby brother. That's the best part of this whole thing. I'm glad he found me. I haven't even begun to let myself think how that child made it from New Jersey to Washington – what, almost three thousand miles? My God, he was incredibly lucky – anything could have happened to him," she grimaced, and brushed her hair, wanting her bed.

"I'm not a baby," came the sturdy claim behind Izzie, "and I rode the bus. It took five days but it wasn't hard. I just always pretended I was with the lady and baby in front of me. The worst part was running out of food and money before I got here. I didn't know everything was so expensive in bus reststops."

Meredith brushed past Izzie to the bedroom and stood with her arms akimbo, "Zach, you're ten. What you did was incredibly unsafe. It frightens me to think of what could have happened to you. You can't ever do such a thing again. You were lucky this time, but luck like that won't hold. I'm going to teach you how to use an international phone card and give you all my numbers to memorize so that any time, any where you need me, you'll be able to reach me for help. Now, promise me you'll call me instead of trying to fix it by yourself. Promise me."

Zachary looked at the girl who wasn't much bigger than himself. She'd been good to him and she wanted him. He had a place again. It had disturbed him to see her cry. He'd thought about it while lying in bed. She was an orphan too, just like him. Her mother was crazy, and had been for five years, and before that she was mean. Her father couldn't even remember her, and that had just happened. He didn't know those people, but she did. She was sad. Even now he could still hear tears in her voice. Zach wrapped his arms around Meredith, his sister who wanted him, and pressed the side of his face to her chest.

"I promise, Meredith. Don't cry anymore, okay? I don't want you to cry," startled, Meredith hugged her brother back, tears welling in her eyes again. Too much. It was all just too much. Zach tightened his grip and Meredith couldn't help wincing from the pressure on her bruises front and back. Pain flashed across her face.

"Zach, it's time for bed. We have to be up by four o'clock. Do you need help?" Derek said calmly from the bedroom door. Meredith looked over Zach's head at Izzie and Derek, blinking her tears away as best she could. She grasped Zach's face with both hands and bent to kiss his cheek.

"Good night, Zach."

"Night."

He released her and turned to let Derek take him back to bed.

"Whew, Mer, get some sleep, okay? Night," Izzie touched her arm and went to her own room.

Meredith stood there in her bedroom trembling. She sniffled and pulled her bedspread back. Derek came in quietly and shut the door.

"Meredith, come here," he said in a low voice.

She went to him unquestioningly, unhesitatingly. He grasped the hem of her shirt and lifted it up before she could stop him. The bruises had darkened even further. He pulled the shirt all the way off and turned her around to examine her in the lamplight, his face grim with self blame and remorse.

Before he could speak Meredith said, "Derek, don't. Don't feel badly. Not for loving me, not for trusting me physically. I want all of you, all the time, no matter what. I love what we did. Never doubt it."

"But...," Derek barely touched the largest mark on her hip with the tips of his gentle fingers.

"No, if you want to make it up to me, I know how you can do it, and it isn't by being upset," she smiled at him with as flirtatious a smile as she could manage, "I want the reverse at some point. Not tonight, I'm way too tired to ravish you, but soon. Anytime you want to ravish me, I'm yours, as long as I get my turn," she mischievously, shakily, wrapped her arms around her bemused lover and kissed his earlobe.

"Derek, I have to sleep, I'm done. Okay? Take me to bed."

_**Thank you all so much for playing with me. I love the reviews. They keep me happy and connected. For all those who are afraid to comment I only bite on the sixth Thursday of every month. sam **_


	25. It's a Girl and a Boy

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 25: It's a Girl... and a Boy**

Meredith had just finished telling a wound up Zach to be careful and to have a good time when Derek opened the car door for her. She climbed out of the car protected from the soft rain by the umbrella he held. Before she could sprint for the overhang at the entry, like Izzie already had, Derek pulled her into his arms. She couldn't resist, her arms were full of her purse and duffel.

"Hey, lady, kiss me."

"Derek!" Meredith was very aware of the interested interns and staff parking their cars and walking towards the surgical entry all around.

"Kiss me, I'm not going to see you again until late afternoon," he nuzzled her neck, nibbling her into submission. He laughed and teased behind his charming little boy pout. God, he was cute. As always in the morning he was playful and happy. He was such a morning person, she thought a little enviously. It turned out Zach was the same way. He had chattered non-stop to all three adults since he'd awakened. Meredith took this as a good sign, he was becoming accustomed to them very quickly. Plus, they learned a tremendous amount about Zach's adoptive parents, Pauline and Jack Harrington Smith, and his life with them.

"Derek... it's going to be shouted all over the hospital... that we were having sex.. in the rain, in the parking lot... by one minute after five... if you keep doing that where everyone..."

Derek's lips lightly touched hers over and over as she spoke and he breathed her breath. Then his tongue slid between her lips and stroked her own tongue until she couldn't resist twining around it. He sealed his mouth over hers and kissed her. When her breath came hard and ragged and she clung with her two free fingers to his jacket he was finally satisfied.

"Mm, you taste so good, Meredith," he buried his face in her throat and breathed her lily of the valley fragrance again, "Smell good too. Have a great day and I'll see you and Zach this afternoon in my office," he gave her amazing tush a fond rub.

"Derek..." she clung to him weakly, swaying on her feet.

"Hm?"

"Derek, what was that all about?"

"Just reminding you."

"Reminding me?" she was utterly bewildered as she gazed into his sparkling deep blue eyes.

"Yeah, reminding you that you're my girl, and I'm proud of you, and I don't care what fools gossip about. And, by the way – I love you."

Derek smiled his 'the sun is rising behind the clouds' smile and kissed the tip of her nose, before he let her go, and ran back to the driver's side of the car. She watched Derek drive away, for a soggy minute, so in love it astonished her. She hugged his love to her and turned to hurry into the building.

Derek was driving Zachary to the docks for her since he didn't have to be in to work until seven. He was going to check out the guys and the boat for himself before he let Zach go. They all knew Mickey, from the lab, but they didn't know his brother.

Izzie and George and Cristina were all heading for the elevators, having seen the show. Izzie just smiled at Mer. She liked how happy Mer looked this morning, especially since she'd been totally stressed out last night. Iz was beginning to really trust Shepherd with her friend. It had taken awhile, but he was being there for Meredith when it counted, and the trust-o-meter was climbing. All of Meredith's friends had initially been suspicious of Shepherd when he came back into Mer's life.

George had a funny, pasty look. He kept fiddling with his duffel strap, opening his mouth as if to say something, and then closing it again. Izzie and Cristina had already ragged him but he still wasn't spitting it out. The girls shrugged. Bambi had been weird since he'd joined the dead dads' club. They didn't push him.

The interns piled into the locker room and a momentary silence swept the room. All eyes swept towards Meredith and then away. She sighed resignedly. The gossip mill was definitely grinding away this morning. She knew she and Derek had been the grist for the mill. Not to mention Zachary. She thought of Derek's sexy, playful send off and then didn't regret it. She thought of Zach's Botticelli face and felt her heart swell. Let these jerks talk. She had McDreamy. She had a baby brother. She tossed her head and walked sedately to her locker.

Bailey's interns gathered around her for rounds.

"Where's Karev?" she barked.

"Here, I'm here," he puffed, hustling down the hall from post-op. He looked bleary eyed and strained.

"Long night, Karev?" asked Bailey, caustically.

"Yes, ma'am. It was," he said simply.

She eyed him and nodded abruptly, having already read the majority of the reports from last night's insane number of admissions. She liked it that he didn't whine. These interns were finally learning. She headed out and her group trooped behind her.

Cristina and Meredith lagged behind the others. In a low voice Cristina told Meredith about breaking the silence first and asking Burke for a do over.

"It was horrible, Mer. He just sat there staring at me. I told him I was committed. I was in it for the long haul, so I was ready to give in and speak first even if I still thought I'd done nothing wrong," Cristina said shakily.

"Did he finally speak? What did he say? Did he tell you if the tremor is gone?" Meredith asked quickly.

"He... he...," Cristina paled and looked nauseous.

"What, Cristina?" Meredith couldn't imagine what had her usually irascible friend so shaken.

"Heaskedmetomarryhim," she said as one word.

Meredith stopped stock still and stared at her friend.

"Don't make me say it again," Cristina panted, sweating, and shocky.

"And are you? Going to marry him?"

"I... I... maybe. I don't know... yeah, no. Okay, maybe."

"Let me know when you're past the stuttering stage," Meredith giggled, "You'll make such a cute bride, dressed in funereal black and carrying a bouquet of scalpels. You'll be a Korean version of Morticia Addams."

Cristina winced at the words 'cute bride', "At least I don't have to be envious of you and McDreamy anymore. Burke was amazing in bed after..."

Somehow Cristina's words didn't quite match the strain and pressure on her face. Meredith started to ask about it when they caught Izzie's silencing signal and quickly hustled after Bailey into a patient's room. George stammered his way through the presentation earning a scowl from Bailey. Rounds were interminable for all of them for their own reasons. They were all grateful when Bailey finally snapped out assignments.

"Yang, morning assignment: Dr. Yarber in the morgue could use a hand with all the fatalities from last night, you are on paperwork scut with her," Bailey glared down the protest on Cristina's lips before she could even go there. Cristina accepted the assignment with ill grace, knowing that the Nazi was still peeved over her involvement in Burke's tremor cover up. She supposed she was lucky it wasn't rectal exams again.

"Yang, afternoon assignment: rectal exams."

Meredith looked at the floor, letting her shiny honey hair shield her amused, yet sympathetic smile, after seeing the pained look on Cristina's face. She'd been in Bailey's bad books herself over dating an attending, so she knew how it felt.

Unlike Meredith, Cristina had skated over any punishment for dating an attending. She'd also escaped most of the gossip mill grinding it. Unlike Meredith, she actually had used her boyfriend to get her in on the very best surgeries, with still no punishment. She also frequently maneuvered to steal good surgeries from other interns, bragging about doing it and getting away with it, to their faces. Bailey was determined Yang wouldn't skate this time.

Alex, Izzie and George didn't bother hiding their gleeful grins at Yang's fate. She'd been rotten to all of them off and on and now she was getting her comeuppance. None of them minded seeing her haughtiness brought down a few pegs.

"O'Malley: Montgomery. She has three C-sections scheduled this morning. She also has a patient arriving from Idaho who is pregnant with quads. Three of the babies appear to be in some distress. Help her with all the initial workups. You are assigned to that patient for the duration."

Yang couldn't quite suppress a moan of envy – quads.

"Grey, Karev: Sloan. And if he teaches again the way he did yesterday, I want you to type up your notes and be prepared to share with the other interns and residents."

"Stevens, you have completed every rehabilitative step assigned to you. You have received positive progress reports from all the doctors you have followed. You have been released by your therapist to practice medicine again. Because of all this, your review board and I have agreed that you are ready for the next step," Bailey peered at Izzie sternly. She hardly dared breathe.

"The Chief has asked the attendings for a volunteer to sponsor you back into the surgical program. You're lucky. One, and only one, agreed to be responsible for you. Now, if you screw up, he will pay the price alongside you. Do not make him regret his generosity."

All the interns looked at each other, wondering which attending had had the sheer guts to take Izzie on. Her insane actions of the past were exceedingly difficult to forgive or forget, regardless of the massive psychological, ethical, and medical rehabilitation she'd struggled through. Even Izzie wondered who had faith in her when she hardly had faith in herself any more.

"You will join Dr. Shepherd in his OR. He has a spinal astrocytoma removal at seven this morning. Prep his patient for surgery. You are on rotation with him until further notice. It will be his decision when to reinstate your surgical privileges at this hospital and when to release you to other surgeons."

Meredith's jaw dropped as everyone stared at her. Derek had never said one word. Izzie was ecstatic, but scared and overwhelmed too. Shepherd knew about the bathroom floor. He knew about Denny's sweater, and the multi-million dollar check, crazily stuck to the refrigerator. He knew about the horrible grief racked nightmares. She shivered, knowing this was the only chance she'd get to make good again. She'd never thought she'd done particularly well in neuro, but she had to do well now, she had to.

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey, I won't let you or myself or Grace down again," Izzie said humbly, "I won't let Dr. Shepherd down."

"Get to work," Bailey snapped at all of them. They scattered. The expression on Grey's face had plainly said that she didn't have a clue what Shepherd had done. Interesting. Bailey's respect for Shepherd notched up. She'd thought he'd been talked into sponsoring Stevens by Grey. She wondered now why he'd done it. If it wasn't for Grey, what did he see in Stevens that the others didn't see? The other attendings had been quite vocal in their dissent, most of them still in favor of eliminating Izzie from the program.

Bailey headed for the minuscule office she shared with three other residents. She could just barely hear Yang bemoaning her assignment to Grey as they waited for the elevator.

"Tinkerbell gets spinal surgery with the head of neuro! Bambi gets quads! Evil Spawn and you get four cool surgeries in a row, when Sloan is actually teaching. What do I get? I get dead paperwork and rectum wrecks."

Bailey grinned evilly, satisfied.

o-o-o

Meredith stepped off the elevator with three hot cups in her hands. She hurried to join Sloan and Karev. Alex was still damp from the swift shower he'd managed after their first surgery, when she'd gone for a coffee cart run.

"Vente bone dry cappuccino," she carefully handed Sloan a cup. He arched a brow in surprise.

"Espresso, two raw sugars," Meredith said as she handed Alex a cup. He was equally surprised and looked from Mer to Sloan.

Meredith grinned wryly at their identical expressions and said, "Herbal tea," as she sipped from her own cup, "What? I don't mind bringing coffee when it's my idea. I just don't like being your... you know."

Meredith wrinkled her nose and smiled at Sloan. He grinned at her, his perfect white smile gleaming through his devilish short beard. Damn, she was cute. Derek had lucked out with this one. Of course, he'd lucked out with Addison too.

"Aw, I like it when you're my... you know," he said naughtily.

"Rule breaker," she teased him cheerfully, while Alex looked on dumbfounded, "Have a pastry."

Mark and Alex were both suddenly aware that they were starved when she offered the bakery bag. They each wolfed down two of the delectable pastries while Meredith nibbled the last one. Mark had a new appreciation for being treated casually by Meredith, as if he were her friend, like Karev. Maybe he could expand his friendship with Meredith to include Derek. Maybe that was how he'd get his best friend back.

"Thank you," Meredith said to Mark sincerely, "I'm really learning something from you, today. That cleft palate correction was textbook. I had no idea it could be done so quickly. Amazing."

She asked him a few questions while Alex scribbling notes on Sloan's replies. Then they switched over to their next surgery. Meredith and Alex had already prepped Ms. Dixon and wheeled her in to the OR for the plastics residents. She would be ready for Sloan shortly. Sloan told them his plan for her as they walked to the OR and scrubbed in.

"You are an incredibly good teacher, Dr. Sloan," Meredith said, leveling her large green eyes on him consideringly, "I can't understand why you refused to teach before."

He grinned his pirate's grin at her again, "Interns bore me."

She arched her brows and sparkled sassily, "Really?! That wasn't the impression I had."

"The other charter member of the XDM club is, of course, the exception. She's always up to something exciting," Mark brushed a casual hand over her hair and grinned.

Again the gallery was packed and Karev and Grey had a front row seat to a rhinoplasty and a complicated cutting edge cheek reconstruction. Sloan had also added the breast reconstruction, using two third year residents, to this surgery so that was accomplished too. For the first time Sloan allowed the interns to take the tiny stitches necessary for minimal scarring. They were tediously slow so he only had patience for five or six stitches each. Then he took the job back. It didn't matter. Alex and Meredith were giving each other eye fives across the table. They'd each held instruments and they'd each taken stitches. They were thrilled.

As Sloan left the OR table he murmured into Meredith's ear, in front of Karev's suspicious eye, "Don't forget our deal. I still want Derek to let me in again. I'm counting on you, sweetpea."

Late that afternoon, Guiseppe Giordano sat in Dr. Shepherd's office for what he thought was the last time. Dr. Stevens sat with him having run all the final tests and helped with the final examination. He'd asked after the lovely Dr. Grey when he'd first arrived, and was told she was in plastics today. At that news Armando and Marco Giordano had allowed themselves to be escorted to a waiting area where they'd be more comfortable.

Guiseppe heard a familiar voice talking to Dr. Shepherd coming towards the office. He smiled and shakily stood to greet Dr. Grey. He didn't tell anyone, but she was his favorite here in the hospital. Everyone else had been kind, but, somehow, Dr. Grey was special, his heart somehow recognized her, and Guiseppe trusted his heart.

Izzie stood too and discreetly left the office at a look from Shepherd. She was trying to learn discretion, something that didn't always come naturally. She was so grateful to Shepherd that she'd willingly do her best to be anything he asked her to be – even discreet.

Shepherd watched her go and nodded to himself. He agreed with Dr. Bailey and the Chief, Stevens _was_ worth it. She was going to be an excellent general surgeon in six years. He didn't mind the extra work – not if it meant that Izzie Stevens would save hundreds of lives, probably thousands – in her work life. Wasn't that worth the extra effort?

He thought of Meredith and his old fear that he wouldn't get a true second chance with her. Meredith had been generous and loving enough to give him exactly that. He knew he probably hadn't deserved it. He wasn't a very forgiving man himself when he was injured, look at what he'd put Addie through. But now, the only way he knew to express his gratitude for that second chance with Meredith, was to pay it forward. Izzie Stevens was the logical recipient. She needed a second chance worse than anyone he knew. Mark's face flashed in front of Derek's mind's eye, but he uncomfortably pushed it away.

"Dr. Shepherd, thank you for bringing Dr. Grey to see me. I so wanted to see her one last time before we left," Guiseppe sat down once again at Meredith's gentle urging.

"Actually, Dr. Giordano, Dr. Grey is here to talk with you about something very important. I believe you are well enough to hear the truth. Your family would not agree to this, I know. But I believe, knowing the kind of man you are, that you'd want the truth. Do you?" Shepherd probed.

Giordano's jaw firmed and his eyes narrowed, "Of course, Dr. Shepherd. I am an adult, not a child," he turned to Meredith who sat shocked at Derek's abrupt introduction, "What is it, Dr. Grey?"

Meredith looked into her _Papà's _warm brandy colored eyes and couldn't speak. She fought for breath and tried again... and failed again.

"Dr. Grey, it can not be that bad. I have survived an unsurvivable brain tumor," Guiseppe said with humor, "Anything you tell me now will not be as shocking as that."

"I... I... am your daughter, and this is... I believe...," Meredith turned to the open doorway and waved for Izzie to bring Zach in, "this is your son, Zachary Xavier."

Brother and sister stood together, in front of their father, and waited.

_**Okay, I am typed out. I have put up three updates on Dreams and one update on Slave this week. I hope you enjoyed them enough to review. My husband would like you to review, because he has to deal with either my crankiness or my silliness when you don't. So think of my lovely, innocent man, will ya? Hee. My Derek, btw, is based on GA Derek, PD and my husband. Now do you see why we must keep my husband happy? Hm? Hee.  
**_


	26. Dark Revelations

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or anything associated with it. **_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 26: Dark Revelations**

Guiseppe stared. Whatever he had expected, it wasn't this. He examined Dr. Grey's face for any hint of humor – none. Her anxiety was plain to read in her eyes. He looked at the beautiful, wind burned boy who stood next to Dr. Grey, twisting her hand, and saw the same worry in his face.

Guiseppe was a surgeon. He was brilliant and courageous, and he had gradually, as he recovered from the brain surgery, checked out the parameters of his own recovery. He knew he had sustained damage to his memory. He knew it was more extensive than he'd yet faced. But, a daughter? A son? What was this? He'd never been married. Try as he might, he couldn't ever remember meeting either one of them before the surgery. He was, however, ready to face the truth, whatever it was, now. He wanted to know what was going on.

He took a deep breath, looking back and forth between Grey and Shepherd, and asked for clarity, "Dr. Grey, what do you mean by that?"

"Dr. Giordano," Shepherd answered before Meredith could, "You sustained total memory loss of a certain significant portion of your life. You know this. What you don't know is that your family decided it would be best to not speak of the memories you lost, so that you could have a "fresh" start without them. Your father asked Meredith to remain silent for your own good. She agreed, although I personally didn't think it a good idea. Now, because we have discovered the existence of Zach, she no longer agrees. You must know your lost history."

"What is my lost history, Dr. ... Meredith?" Guiseppe asked the girl his heart recognized.

Meredith hesitated, then said, "_Papà_ Guiseppe...," she realized what she'd said when his brows raised, "_Papà_ Guiseppe, my mother, Dr. Ellis Grey and you were married when I was twelve," her eyes shimmered river green with tears, "I fell in love with my new _Papà_ as soon as I met you... And you loved me. You were the best part of my childhood. I will always be grateful to you for that. I ... I love you _Papà... _I still do...but you forgot me,_" _two silent tears slid down Meredith's face and she looked down to hide them. She searched her pocket for a tissue, but didn't need one when Zachary brushed at her face with the back of his dirty hand.

"Don't cry, Meredith, I won't ever forget you," he said, smudging her face.

Meredith gave a half laugh and half painful gulp at his innocent sweetness. Izzie had to look away before she too teared up. Zachary looked up at Derek when he laid an approving hand on Zach's shoulder.

"Wait... I ... I was... married? How long? I'm not still married, am I?" Guiseppe was struggling, trying to remember, when there were no memories. That part of his brain was gone.

"Easy, easy. Don't try to remember, Guiseppe," Shepherd soothed, "You won't be able to. Just listen to the facts of the past and let them fill in the blanks for you so that you can rebuild the past from other people's memories. And feel. Many of your emotional or spiritual connections may still be there. Do you feel anything different for Meredith that you don't feel for the other doctors or nurses?"

Guiseppe looked at Meredith and raised a hand to her, "Yes.. yes, she is my favorite. I missed her when I left the hospital."

Meredith took his hand and pressed it to her face. She smiled tremulously at him as another tear escaped her liquid eyes.

"I missed you too, _Papà_."

Meredith sat in the chair Derek gave her. Zach still stood by her side, clinging to her arm. She had become his familiar known in a world of unknowns.

"You were married to Ellis for about four years. We lived with you in Rome. You didn't want the divorce, but she chose to divorce and move so she could work at the Mayo Clinic. You and I lost touch after that. I didn't see you again until you came here for the surgery almost twelve years later," Meredith bowed her head, hiding her face. Derek listened to her minimization and was appalled. He was beginning to realize the extent Meredith did this and it made him wonder what in hell she still wasn't saying about her past.

"And Zachary?"

"Ellis Grey gave me up for adoption when I was born," Zach spoke up bravely for himself, looking into the Giordano face that was shaped so like his own, "My parents died last year, so I came here a few days ago looking for my mother. I found my sister, instead. She said she didn't know about me and she didn't think you knew about me either."

Zachary stared into Guiseppe's eyes uncertainly, "Do you want to know about me? Do you want a son? Cuz, Meredith wants me, if you don't. I can stay with her, she already said," Zach reassured both himself and Guiseppe.

Guiseppe didn't hesitate. He snatched the child to his breast and said, "I want you. Of course I do. I have always wanted a son. _Grazie a Dio. Forse le mie preghiere sono state esaudite._God has answered my prayers," emotionally, he looked over Zach's head at Meredith again.

"And a daughter. It was wrong to try to keep this from me. How is it better to never know my _bambina_? I ... I feel love for you, even if I can't remember," he opened his arm to his daughter. Meredith flew to his embrace, "Today, I am a lucky man. I have been given a girl... and a boy. My children. I actually have children," he said in wonder.

Guiseppe looked up at Derek, both bewildered and happily stunned. He was about to say something else when there was a shocked exclamation from the doorway of Derek's small office.

"What is the meaning of this, Dr. Shepherd!?" Armando rudely shoved Izzie aside and stood in the doorway. Marco, his taller brother, was just behind him, frowning over his shoulder.

"Mr. Giordano, I would very much appreciate you not shoving my interns. Dr. Stevens, before you go finish any scut you have left for the day, would you please take Zachary back to Kyle. Direct them to the hospital employees' gym or the cafeteria. That'll keep them occupied. Thank you. Zachary, yes, please, go with Izzie. You'll see Guiseppe again later," Shepherd instructed, getting both Zachary and Izzie out of harm's way.

Zachary resisted. He didn't understand why Derek was suddenly so strict or why those old men were looking so nastily at Meredith. He had been happy that Guiseppe had accepted him, but now he was scared. Something was wrong. Meredith gave him a small smile and rubbed his arm.

"Everything's going to be okay," she whispered.

"Come on, Zach," with a last look at Meredith, Izzie took a protesting Zach away, answering his questions as best she could.

"My office is too small for all of us. Please come with me to the conference room," Shepherd said.

Dr. Shepherd tugged Meredith up. Ignoring everyone else, he led the way to the closest conference room to his office. He seated Meredith at the end of the table and waved the three Giordanos to the other end. Shepherd deliberately sat next to Meredith, physically between her and the three men. Before anyone could say anything Marco's cell chirped. He took it out and spoke in rapid Italian.

"Paolo and Michele are back with the car. I asked them to come up," Marco said in Italian to Guiseppe and Armando.

"Please speak English in this conference room. I will not understand you if you don't. I insist that I understand what is being said. I will not have Meredith verbally assaulted again. I will take Meredith and leave immediately if any of you try it. I hope I have made myself clear," Shepherd was still peeved over these men and their ugly cruelty to a young girl and now to that same girl grown to womanhood. He wasn't willing to stand by and tolerate either Meredith or Zachary, for that matter, hurt by any of them.

Guiseppe was surprised at Derek's fierce protectiveness. He didn't understand all the undercurrents going on here. He frowned. He had two children. His father and uncles had decided not to tell him about his daughter. Why?

"Where is this Ellis Grey? If she was my wife, if she was the mother of my children, if she gave away my only son for adoption, I want to speak to her," he said abruptly, demandingly.

Armando and Marco acted as if they'd been sucker punched. They turned accusing eyes on Meredith. They started to speak in Italian and Derek rose, ready to leave. Guiseppe held up a hand to stop the two old men and Derek.

"English, we will speak. Please sit back down, Dr. Shepherd, I need the truth. Yes, I know about my wife, Ellis Grey, and my daughter, Meredith...," Guiseppe started, but was interrupted.

Derek still stood. He pushed his chair back. At a tug on his hand and a beseeching look from Meredith, Derek reconsidered and sat even as he became angry and disgusted listening to Armando.

"Meredith Grey is claiming that boy is your son! NO!" Armando exclaimed, "I don't know what her game is now, since she has already stolen millions of euros from you..."

"I stole nothing," said Meredith simply, proudly, "_Papà_ Guiseppe gave me that gift before the surgery. He told me he regretted the estrangement between us more than anything else in his life. And now, because of Zach, Guiseppe needed to know about the past. It is not an option to keep it from him any longer."

Armando burst out, "I don't know what fantasy she spun about the past, but Meredith Grey is not your daughter and that... woman... was a divorcée from America, not a good woman, from Italy. She was horrible, dishonorable woman and her daughter was a fatherless juvenile delinquent. Son, we have to protect you."

Meredith froze solid in her chair. Derek murmured to her that they could leave and try to talk to Guiseppe later alone, but Meredith shook her head. Why did Armando seem to hate her so much? She'd just been a kid when he knew her. A kid who lovingly took care of his wife, Guiseppe's aging, ill mother daily. And whatever had Ellis Grey done to inspire such enmity?

"Both of them took advantage of your too soft nature. You were a fool! You made a terrible mistake, Guiseppe," Marco said harshly, backing his brother up.

Guiseppe looked from the angry old men of his family to the white faced, frozen girl sitting in front of him. He was getting confused again and his head ached.

"That woman wasn't pure as a wife should be. If _she," _Armando pointed at Meredith, "is saying that boy is your son, she is lying! Foisting a bastard off on you! Who knows who the father is! "

That was it. The stricken pain in Dr. Grey's eyes was too much for Guiseppe.

"Stop, just stop. _You_ made the terrible mistake when you decided to treat me like an imbecile. How could you try to lie to me about my past? I have a right to my memories, _my life! _ I will decide for myself what the truth is. I have been sick, but I am not stupid!" he took a deep breath, "Now I have more to discover and I would appreciate my questions answered, please," Guiseppe's face was set in deep lines, "Dr. Shepherd, where is Ellis Grey?"

Derek held Mer's hand and explained Ellis' situation to Guiseppe. Derek told Guiseppe what Guiseppe himself had explained to Derek about his life with Ellis and Meredith. Meredith speculated that Ellis had let one of her distant Harrington relatives adopt Zachary in a private adoption. She explained the circumstances of Zach's adoptive parents death, and Zach's subsequent journey. Paolo and Michele had entered the room during this discussion and Derek waved them to seats with the other Giordanos.

"We would like to make sure of all this with a paternity test. Meredith and her mother and Zach are all being DNA tested already," Dr. Shepherd finished.

"Lies! This woman has already swindled you out of millions of euros! Now she makes up a crazy story about a son. She is trying to insinuate herself in your life again. You have to stay away from her. Don't you see, Guiseppe?" Armando was red in the face.

"Money? Is this about money? Is that why you are so upset? Zachary may be my _son_! We will find out soon enough if it is true."

"Think Guiseppe! Think of Marco, and his grandson, Michele. He has been your heir his whole life! He was raised by us, not that foreign woman. He has no hint of that awful woman's blood in his veins. Even if this Zachary, horrible name!, is your son, he has her blood and was raised by her family. There is no way any son of Ellis Grey is a true Giordano. You can not take him in. He is a stray. Michele is the heir. Michele."

Michele tried to speak at this point but was fiercely silenced.

"Guiseppe, when you were divorcing Ellis Grey, her juvenile delinquent daughter kept escaping her boarding school to try to get back to you. Ellis Grey brought the family to its knees over wresting her own freedom from marriage and over her unrepentant daughter. She used her connections in the WHO and in the medical community to cut off jobs for at least a dozen family members. She got bankers and financiers to threaten to withdraw financial support from six of our major business undertakings. Guiseppe, she threatened to tell the world that you were a pederast with her daughter," Meredith gasped and turned stark white at Armando's hateful diatribe. Her mother couldn't have done all that!? She couldn't have said that!? A pederast!? No, no, no.

Armando didn't stop there, "She threatened to tell your mother that I... I...," he looked away, "She promised to destroy you utterly if we didn't do exactly as she said. She demanded a swift divorce, for her silence. You know that that is almost impossible in Italy. It cost us a fortune in favors and cash and land. She demanded an astronomical financial settlement. She said she'd tell the world that the brat she was carrying was a bastard, and that you were a cuckolded fool."

At that last and the look on everyone's face, including Michele's, Armando knew he had gone too far. He had revealed way, way too much.

Guiseppe's lips were pressed so tightly together they were white. Deep gouges scored his forehead and bracketed his mouth. Bitter betrayal stabbed his heart.

"_Papà, you knew!" _Guiseppe said chokingly, "You knew I had a _bambino_. You knew. All these years, you let my son, your grandson, be given away like an unwanted scrap. And you would have taken my _bambina_ from me too, more completely than any surgery. She said we loved each other. How could you steal love from my life. How?" Guiseppe's eyes filled with pain and tears as he looked at his father as if he had never seen him before.

"Guiseppe, these people are no good. American, bah!" Armando said desperately, "You never really loved Meredith Grey. She was a chronic run-away whose mother didn't even want her. She tried to break in to private property repeatedly. Her schoolmistresses described her as recalcitrant. You know, she was imprisoned more than once! Yes! They even put her in a cellar for months, but she never learned. She swayed Vincenzo to acts that threatened his life. Climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro! Ridiculous! Marco was right to leave her in the detainment center in Tanzania. She and her mother brought shame on our family."

"What did you say?!" Derek was incredulous, looking at Armando in horror, "You knew! You knew that place was torturing Meredith, a sixteen year old girl, and you did nothing! How could you? What kind of man are you?"

Meredith, Guiseppe, and Michele all sat staring at Armando.

"Don't look at me like that! Her mother was busy, hiding out, whelping her bastard, what else were we supposed to do? The girl wouldn't stop her obsession with you, Guiseppe. And you were still being a sentimental fool over her. We had to pay the headmistresses to ensure she stayed away."

"You paid Charon... I thought it was Mom... maybe you _both_ paid to get rid of me... I was worth more than I thought, ha!" Meredith gave a bitter laugh and shook her head trying to clear it, "You knew Mom wouldn't come to Africa, but you left me there anyway... do you have any idea what they did to me!? Oh this makes everything that much worse," Meredith asked Marco with shocked blankness, her teeth starting to chatter and her skin icy cold. Dark memories swirled her in and out of the previously locked down past. Meredith couldn't bear to be touched. She withdrew completely from Derek's touch, it was too painful right now. He watched her sink into herself.

Guiseppe put his head in his hands, grief stricken, betrayed, and overcome. He looked up only when a shaky, loving hand touched his shoulder for a brief second. Meredith stood next to him with Derek close beside her still respecting her need not to be touched. Meredith put a white xeroxed sheet of paper in front of him.

"This paper is a copy of the letter you wrote me before the surgery," Meredith said quietly, just to him, "It will answer any question you have about the relationship you and I shared and about the money your family mentioned. I wrote all my numbers on the bottom of this page. I also wrote the names and numbers of the attorneys you used here in Seattle so that you may speak with them yourself. Please call me tomorrow and we'll talk more. I think we need to stop now, you're exhausted," grey faced, Meredith turned to leave.

She and Derek were half way to the door when she paused and turned back.

"I'm sorry for all this _Papà _Guiseppe, but you said to me once that I had to focus on the good in my life," Meredith ignored Armando's disdainful snort and Marco's attempt to interrupt, "Despite all this awful history, I have a chance to have my _Papà _back after almost twelve years. You and I also have Zachary, when he was lost to us for almost eleven years. He's a good boy, _Papà._ I'm starting to love him already. Zachary and I aren't asking you to take care of him. He just wanted to get to know his father. If you consent to the paternity test, sign the forms at the nurse's desk. I have the money you gave me, Papa. Even in residency, I can take care of him. I want him, even if none of you do."

Meredith turned, hunched over, like a creaky old woman, and made for the door. Derek walked after her more upset than he cared to admit by all the revelations of the ugly scene they'd just endured. One glance at Meredith's face and Derek knew whatever he felt was multiplied ten fold for her. He groaned under his breath.

"Meredith, where are you going?" he asked her when she headed for the elevator.

"I have to check in with Alex in post-op. We had four surgeries with Sloan today," Meredith mumbled, pushing the down button.

"I need to check on two patients in post-op myself. I'll come with you," Derek said.

"Okay," she said meekly, not looking at him, picking at the cuff of her sleeve. She felt bad inside. Like a refrigerator with something gone bad in it, making all the other good food rotten. She felt bruised and battered by the horrid revelations of Ellis' actions. Her mother was a monster. Dear God. She wanted to run and hide, but she'd learned it didn't do any good.

Derek touched her arm to comfort her but his touch agonized her, instead. She couldn't let him touch her when she was so polluted. She was dirty and he was clean. He shouldn't get dirty too. She wildly pulled away from him and headed to the back corner of the elevator. Derek watched her crumpling in on herself like hot saran wrap.

"Don't, Meredith."

She looked up at him with dull eyes.

"Don't let this break you down. You are Meredith, not Ellis. You are not responsible for any of this. I love Meredith Grey and you are not allowed to be cruel to her. You stand up for her. You get it that she is blameless. Meredith Grey is worthy of love and support. So you be there when she needs you. You love you. You support you. I will not stand by and watch the girl I love torment herself, so stop it."

He deliberately stepped into Meredith and hugged her. She resisted at first, trying to push him away, and then she crumpled into him rather than into herself. He refused to accept her initial refusal of him, because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Meredith Grey loved him. She needed him, and he needed her. They were stronger together.

_**Reviewers -- you rock! Thank you. A fanfic without reviews is like a bride without a groom, Meredith without Derek, enchiladas without verde sauce. (Hey I live in San Antonio, what reference would I use?) **_


	27. The Letter

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 27: The Letter**

With help, Meredith made it through the rest of her shift. She sat and wrote case notes while Alex did the running around. Mainly, she just wanted to stay in one place for a while. Derek had forced her to get it, that twelve years ago she'd been a kid and was not responsible for her horrible mother's actions, or the actions of the Giordanos. She knew it in her head. But her heart ached terribly. Ellis' mind had been so brilliant. What had been wrong with her heart!? Or was it her soul?

She and Derek picked up Zachary from Kyle with profuse thanks and headed straight home. Izzie caught a ride home with them too. She was uncharacteristically quiet, fairly overcome by the events of her day also. They were all exhausted. Zach had managed to catch a salmon in the Sound so he occupied them with the recounting. He carefully made no further mention of Guiseppe. He'd taken one look at Meredith's face and knew she was almost done. His mom used to get a face like that when she had a migraine.

Kyle had already dressed the fish so Derek simply made a quick marinade of soy sauce and honey and and rubbed it in. He slid the fish on a baking sheet and into the oven. Meredith sat in a kitchen chair and watched him dully. Usually she was busy with chores every minute when she came home but today she sat unoccupied, fiddling with a long strand of her hair. Izzie made a salad. None of them were up for more. Silently Derek poured Meredith's favorite Cabernet from Stefano's vineyard and handed her the glass caressing her cheek with the back of his hand. He made Izzie a Coke and poured another glass of wine for himself.

Zach was so tired he actually allowed himself to be persuaded into washing up and pajamas before dinner so he could go to bed immediately afterwards. Izzie looked at Meredith, hesitated, and then followed Zach up the steps. George still hadn't come home and was apparently staying with Callie for the weekend. His absence was a relief for Mer who couldn't offer condolences to him over his dad one more time. She'd scream.

"Honey, the paper you gave Giordano today. It was a copy of the letter he sent you after his surgery, wasn't it? You never read it to me," Derek said, "You started to, but we were interrupted."

The wine had restored a touch of color to Meredith's face.

"Do you want to hear it now?" Meredith looked up at him with her pained heart in her eyes.

"Yes, if you want to share it, I want to hear it," he said, his handsome face solemn.

Meredith pulled a worn and creased envelope from her shirt pocket. Derek could see it had a law firm's logo and address on the front. Meredith opened it and carefully extracted the last letter her papa had written her before the memory of Meredith was cut from his brain. She carefully unfolded its well worn pages. Derek's heart ached for her when he realized how many times she must have read it for it to be so worn. She was still carrying it in her pocket for easy access too.

"It's written in Italian in Guiseppe's hand, Derek. I'll translate for you, okay?" he nodded, sipping his wine and leaning against the counter.

"_To: My precious little girl, Meredith Rochelle Grey,"_

"_I love you, dear child, more than words can describe, and I write this so you'll understand."_

"_In a few days I enter the fight of my life in an operating theater, this time as the patient instead of the surgeon. I am under no illusion that the surgery for excision of this brain tumor and the possible recovery will be easy or quick. In fact, death is by far the greater possibility. If I do manage to survive Dr. Shepherd has warned me about possible memory loss or personality changes from the unavoidable brain damage the surgery will cause. There is also the chance of becoming a complete unresponsive mental vegetable."_

"_In the face of all this, I leave my last wishes for the dispensation of my assets and treasures in an updated will with these attorneys and with my attorneys in Rome. I also need to say the words left too long unsaid. I need to clear my mind and heart and soul so that I can die in peace if that is what God wills."_

"_Meredith, daughter of my heart, I love you, never doubt it. You could not be more precious to me. When you came into my life, I considered myself the luckiest father in the world to have such a fine daughter. I still do. I am proud of you. Mostly alone, from a very young age, you have achieved an amazing amount academically and personally and have shown wondrous courage and aplomb in the face of terrible challenges."_

"_The biggest, most horrible regret of my life is that I turned away from you, my dear child. I let Ellis and my father and uncles come between us. I say it now in shame; I abandoned you. I abandoned my daughter, my child. To this day I am not sure what was so important to me that I gave up my child for it. All I can do now is beg for your understanding and forgiveness. Please forgive me. I am unworthy, I know. My hope lies in your big heart, and your unswerving love and devotion." _

"_I need to thank you too, Meredith, for everything you did for my mother. You were only twelve when you started visiting her and reading to her every day after school. You took care of her. None of her blood grandchildren had the patience to spend time with her the way she needed. You made many years of her life less lonely and she (and I) loved you for it."_

"_I hope I survive to see you blossom into the magnificent woman you are meant to be. I want to live to have a chance to have a future together to make up for our lost past. I want the privilege of walking you down the aisle to the man you love. I want to hold your babies at their christenings." _

"_Dear, whether or not I survive, I wish to give you a gift of my personal fortune. The amount is not insignificant and should help you the rest of your life whatever state I am in. The details are with these attorneys. Do not let any of the Giordanos convince you to give this gift back to them. It is not theirs, but yours. It is a gift to you representing my love for my daughter of the heart. I should have given it to you years ago, just as I should have been there for you years ago."_

"_Dear Meredith, forgive your mother. She was the reason I have a daughter. She was the reason you have me. I know you love her and I also know you'll never understand her. You are two very different women. She always pressured you to be more like her, but I think you have too much heart for that. And that, my dear, is a good thing."_

"_In case I am gone, after the surgery, I say one more time, I love you. I am proud of you. And I wish with every fiber of my being that you were my daughter by birth as well as by heart. Goodbye, dear one. We will surely meet again in heaven one day, I have no doubt."_

"_Your loving, _Papà Guiseppe," Meredith carefully folded the worn paper back into its envelope and slid it in her pocket again before looking at Derek, "You see, my _Papà _loved me. He did."

"Your _Papà_ loves you Meredith, there is no doubt," Derek confirmed.

Meredith went to him then and slid her arms around his waist, laying her head on his chest, "Thank you for everything, Derek. You've been amazing. I don't think I could have handled all this alone."

"Yes, you could have, Meredith. You're that kind of person. But, I'm glad you didn't have to this time," Derek rocked her back and forth.

"Tomorrow night, we take Zachary to see Ellis, and the day after that we get the testing results. We'll know positively then. And thank you for the help you and Dr. Webber gave me with the police and social services. I couldn't have stood to let them put Zach in a home 'til all this was straightened out. I meant to tell you before, but so much was happening," Meredith kissed the well defined line of his jaw, enjoyment once again creeping through her numbed system.

The timer rang on the oven and the two of them broke apart to serve dinner. It actually felt like a family to eat together. They were a mother and father and son and aunt. A part of Meredith wondered at the feeling. It all felt so right.

_**This is really a part one of this chapter, but I didn't want to wait to upload it, so part 2 is coming very soon in Ch 28. sam**_


	28. The Letter Part 2

_** I appreciate all the fans of **__**Dreams**__** more than I can say. **_

_**If you can not comment anonymously or otherwise on ff, and would like to, please go to samsolace livejournal com with dots instead of spaces. I post all my ff fics there now so you can always read them there if ff is being cranky and not letting me upload. There, you can also talk to me about anything you like. For pm's go to samanthasolace the at sign gmail com, with a dot before com, of course. I really do love hearing from you.**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 28: The Letter, Part 2**

Meredith peeped in on Zach before heading to bed. A small, sweet smile crossed her face as she pulled his covers over him again. She kissed his temple and inhaled his clean, little boy scent. She was so proud of him. How hard it must have been for him, she could only guess, but the kid had stood his ground. He was strong and courageous, like his father. He had a good heart, also like his father.

Zachary was going to be a proud, wonderful man, Meredith knew it. Reluctantly, she left the child to sleep, undisturbed. She wanted more time with him, and for once she deeply resented her job.

Meredith slowly walked down the hall. She could hear Izzie downstairs cleaning the kitchen. Derek was running a bath in their bathroom.

_Everything's okay in the house, _Meredith thought, breathing deeply, _I can relax now. I can go lie in Derek's arms and rest. Derek. _

She entered their bedroom and stood in the bathroom doorway watching him check the water temperature in the bath. How in the world had she gotten so lucky? He was gorgeous. His long back narrowed down from muscular shoulders to slim hips and a fine tight rear. His thick, silky black hair was tousled in curls over his ears and collar. He needed a haircut – again. He glanced over his shoulder at her and grinned his beautiful white smile at her.

"Ready?" he asked her in a low voice.

"Yeah, I really am," Meredith closed the door behind her and sat on the closed toilet seat to peel off her socks. She tiredly threw them in the hamper.

"How's it going with Izzie?" Mer asked Derek off-handedly.

"Good. She's nervous, but she'll make good in the end," Derek said confidently.

"Thank you, Derek. Thank you for giving her another chance. Dr. Bailey said no one else would take her," Meredith stood and unzipped her pants, slid them down her legs, and threw them after the socks. She sat back down.

"She's good, Mer, really. Don't worry," he brushed his hand over her hair.

"Okay."

Meredith peeled her top off and then her undershirt, discarding them in the hamper. She sat waiting in her bra and panties for the bath to fill. Tiredly she reached over the sink and got her toothbrush and toothpaste. She brushed her teeth sitting on the commode without looking up.

"Mark's being great," she commented next through the toothpaste.

Derek's eyes narrowed, "Oh?"

"Yeah, he taught us today, instead of being a jerk."

"Uhuh."

"Derek, maybe you and Mark can just go somewhere alone and talk. Just the two of you. Press the restart button. Maybe you can let the past go and start fresh."

"Meredith...," Derek growled warningly.

She rinsed and put her brush away, determined to speak. She looked up at her good, handsome man and fought for him.

"You need your friend, your brother, and I think he needs you. Addison is long gone. You didn't really want her for years, Derek. You told me yourself. Mark had sex with Addison, yes. Mark also knew you didn't care about Addison any more. He was drunk, he thought he loved her. She was drunk, she wanted to prove to you she was still a desirable woman, not a piece of furniture, and it happened. Mark didn't set out to systematically destroy your marriage or take your wife. You and Addison have both said your marriage was over long before she slept with Mark. Please, Derek, give him a second chance."

"Meredith, this is starting to piss me off."

Meredith stood and stepped out of her panties, then unclipped her bra. She stood in front of Derek and tied her hair up, smiling as she watched his eyes follow the uplift of her breasts. She stepped close to him and kissed the tip of his long nose.

"I'm not saying this to piss you off, my love. I'm saying it because I love you."

She turned and gracefully stepped into the tub, sinking beneath the foam. She held her breath until he jerkily started undressing. Then she sighed in relief, knowing he wasn't too mad. He stepped into the tub and she floated into his arms turning sideways and resting her face against his throat. He held her to him with a mixture of feelings.

She wanted him to have Mark back. Meredith would continue to work at the "problem" until it was solved to her satisfaction. Many people saw her as weak in certain areas, but they didn't really know his girl. She was like a miniature bulldog. She wouldn't let go if she thought he needed something to be happy. And since family was her own biggest sore spot, she insisted that he have family, no matter what.

"Meredith, Mark is a manipulative, philandering, arrogant, morally bankrupt, jerk."

"And you love him. And I think morally bankrupt is a bit harsh," she replied softly.

There was silence in the lovely warm bath for a moment, while Derek considered all she hadn't disagreed with. Then he looked down into her tender sparkling green eyes as she looked up at him, and he burst out laughing.

"So you want me to be friends with a manipulative, philandering, arrogant, semi morally bankrupt, jerk."

She grinned, "Yes."

"Meredith, I'm not promising anything, but I'll think about what you've said."

"Okay, good."

Meredith settled and closed her eyes finally, letting the bath take her away. All the tension and trauma and drama of the day melted to nothing as she soaked in her lover's strong arms. He was so good to her. Meredith didn't really believe in her _Papà_ Guiseppe's God. But she did believe in Good. She believed Derek was her gift of all that was good in this world. He was loyal and protective. Not her knight in shining armor – she wouldn't go that far – the boy had dumped her once! – he wasn't a fantasy man, but a real man, with faults, who loved her. He supported her, and he showed up, shouldering responsibilities and easing her burdens.

They'd had some beautiful times together. Meredith thought about their trip to Napa and all their loving, laughing times together in bed. They'd also weathered Armando Giordano together. They'd had highs and lows. They had each other through it all. Meredith felt closer to Derek at that moment than she'd ever felt to anyone in her life, and in that sweet moment she fell even more deeply in love with her man. She hadn't known that was possible. She shuddered from the force of her feelings and a tear trickled out of the corner of one eye.

"Honey?" he asked, feeling her shake.

"Derek, I love you," the very essence of love was in her voice. The words were no longer words, but a covenant. In that simple unassuming moment, Meredith irrevocably married her soul to his. She gave herself into his keeping in utter trust and love and belief. No ceremony could ever accomplish as much. She closed her eyes and wept in wedded bliss.

_**Squee!**_


	29. Next Step

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 29: Next Step **

"Meredith? Honey? Meri, what's wrong?" Derek turned her face up and examined it.

She opened her eyes and smiled through her tears. He gasped at the look on her face. It was brilliant, as if she were lit from an eternal fire within. Her face was luminous.

"I love you," she repeated.

Derek searched her face again and found nothing but joy. His heart flooded with love for this special girl. His concern evaporated to nothing. She was a woman. Sometimes women were inscrutable to him, that's all. With four sisters, a mother, two beloved, deceased grandmothers, and an ex he was used to that.

"I love you, too," he replied.

Her incredible joyous smile at his words seduced him completely.

"You're the most beautiful girl in the world," he said sincerely, brushing his thumb over her pink lips.

"Now I know you're blinded by love," she laughed gently, "It's okay though, I'm glad you think I'm beautiful."

"You are," he whispered against her mouth.

Then he kissed her tenderly. Her body, always responsive to him, was liquid silver now, utterly fluid and his to do with as he would. She melted against him like dark chocolate in the sun. She kissed him back with her whole heart and soul. He was overcome by the moment again, but had no idea what was going on. Manlike, he accepted the gift of her emotional and spiritual treasure trove without really getting the significance. Another woman would have known instantly what was up.

It was perfectly fine with Meredith. That moment had been her own. It was a unique private moment. Derek may feel the shift in her, but she didn't have to discuss it with him. It was the solidification of her commitment to herself and to him and to them as a couple. Meredith had passed a point of no return with Derek. If he left her now she would spend this lifetime alone.

She turned in his arms and wrapped hers around his shoulders, burying her fingers in the thick damp silk hair at the nape of his neck. The water sloshed around their waists as she slid her knees to either side of his hips mounting him. He grinned at her sexily, and rubbed her back gently, pulling her slowly towards him. Her rosy tipped breasts peeped through the suds, enchanting him. He shifted his seat a little, sliding back against the tub until he rested his head against the lip. He opened his thighs slightly, letting his growing interest push against her. She reached between them and caressed him to a larger, harder size, never taking her eyes off of his.

He started to move, but she murmured, "My turn, be my pretty boy toy, you promised."

"I did," he grinned cheekily at that, and settled back, "I can do pretty."

"So no touching me or moving until I tell you," she instructed him on her rules, "I get to play with you first."

"Play with me, pretty girl."

Meredith put her hands on his chest and leaned forward to touch his face with tiny petal soft kisses. She whisper kissed the corners of his mouth and felt them upturn. He started to kiss her back, but she pulled away.

"Ah, ah, ah. No, no," she reminded him, kissing him softly even as she reprimanded him, "Mm, you need to shave."

She voyaged over his throat kissing every inch. She sucked his flesh into her mouth and was tempted to leave a mark. She let him go and giggled at how his scrub nurses would look at him askance if she did. They'd all know Dr. Shepherd had been well and truly loved by Dr. Grey.

"You're giggling," Derek accused her softly, "I like hearing you giggle."

She kissed his lips again, and then nibbled and kissed her way along his shoulders, pausing occasionally to grasp his thick muscle in her teeth, nipping him.

"Kiss me Derek, all over my face the way I kissed you."

Meredith angled her face back and forth for him so that he could kiss every inch for her. His kisses fell like a loving rain on her face. She kissed his jawline to his ear and sucked his earlobe into her warm, moist mouth. She gently sucked on it and teased it with her tongue, sending warm tingles of excitement across his nerve endings. She blew hot, wet breath into his ear as she caressed his thick member again, making him shudder in reaction.

"Meredith... let me...," he wanted to hold her, touch her.

"What... what my love... what would you like?" Meredith teased him.

"Let me touch you, honey. I want to touch you."

"Here?" She coyly touched her lips, his eyes followed the graceful teasing movements of her hand.

"Or here?" she trailed her fingers down her own throat in suggestion. He licked his lips hungrily.

"Or, perhaps, here?" Meredith lifted her breasts in both hands, plumping them and squeezing them together into a beautiful erotic shape. Derek groaned, and Mer laughed delightedly.

"Touch me here, Derek, right here," she took mercy on him and gave him permission.

Meredith gripped both sides of the tub and sat up straight. She arched her back thrusting her breasts out and up for him. He filled his hands with both breasts, kneading the plush flesh luxuriously. The whole time she could hear him almost growling with pleasure. She liked it that he didn't hold back his response from her. She loved it that her body pleased him. She let her eyes drift closed and dropped her head back, lips parted, enjoying his touch.

Derek was lightly circling her aureoles now with just the tips of his fingers. She shivered in excitement. He cupped double handfuls of water and rinsed her breasts clear of soap. The warm rinse felt wonderful and her nipples puckered even more. Candlelight shimmered across her wet, alabaster skin, and Derek shifted uncomfortably, more than ready to finish at the beautiful sight. He leaned forward to take her ripe berry in his mouth, but she tapped him sharply back.

"Ah, ah, you have to ask permission."

"Meredith...," he groaned, and rubbed her nipples between his fingers.

"And you don't get permission until I play with you first," she grinned and squirmed, turning on the tap for clear water, she rinsed his chest off and then her own. She shut the tap and looked back at her lover. He lay back resignedly, a pained look on his face.

"Aw, sweetie, you want something else?" she asked sweetly.

He nodded, 'yes', and stuck his lip out in a pout, doing pretty for her. She laughed sexily again and leaned forward to lick and suck his nipples thoroughly, driving him mad.

"Meredith, my turn, sweet girl, okay?" he pleaded with her, and grinned when he saw her nipples tighten again.

"You have permission," she said haughtily, her nose in the air, like a queen granting permission to a peasant.

He laughed and grabbed her so fast she squeaked. He sucked her nipple into his mouth and pulled strongly.

"Ah! Derek!" she yelped.

He rubbed his stubbly face over her chest from one breast to the other, and licked her second nipple to taut attention.

"Say the word, Meredith, say it!" he demanded and pleaded at the same time.

"I want you inside me now, Derek, give it to me now...," she moaned her directions.

Derek lifted her and she shifted her weight onto her knees kneeling up. She positioned his penis at her entrance and squatted down, enveloping him. He gritted his teeth, struggling to resist thrusting up. She wanted to do this her way, so he'd let her, even if he went mad before it was over. He laid back again and watched her breasts heaving and bouncing as she worked herself up and down rhythmically.

"Touch me, Derek, touch me," she chanted breathlessly.

"Here, pretty girl?" Derek kissed her lips.

"Or here?" he licked her throat, teasingly paying her back.

"Or perhaps here?" he sucked her nipple strongly again.

"Derek! There! Touch me _there!_"

She rode him more easily now with their cooling bathwater sloshing back and forth, some slopping over the high edge of the tub from her undulations. Derek caressed her belly, trailing his fingers low over her abdomen to her furry mound. He tickled his fingers through it, to find the extremely sensitive bundle of nerves at her core. She let herself spiral into ecstasy as she watched his face fill with his own response. The higher she climbed, the higher he climbed in response, until they were both circling their peaks.

Meredith leaned forward and kissed her love again, licking his bottom lip with her soft tongue, asking for entry. He parted his lips and she plunged inside his mouth kissing him as deeply as she could. She frantically clutched him as she felt his body contract and ejaculate. She pulled away from his mouth and gasped for breath, moaning. Derek gave her more vibration until she suddenly reached her summit and screamed, biting her lips, trying to control herself, until Derek pulled her face to his chest, muffling her cries there, and whispered to her.

"Scream, Mer, scream if you want to."

Her body contracted and rippled with force at that. Meredith let herself cry out into his shoulder all she wanted, even as she kept moving until she was complete. She sighed finally and went limp in his arms, shifting until they were gently disconnected. The water was chilling rapidly, so Derek made her move out of it.

They spooned in bed and tiredly closed their eyes. Meredith's mind ran over all the events of the day until she restlessly turned to face Derek. She snuggled close and rested her head on his shoulder, trying to sleep.

"I love you, Meredith," Derek murmured as he pulled the covers over her shoulders and patted her bottom. She smiled and slept.

ooo

"Alex, do you have the films for 5340?" Meredith asked the next day, writing charts in the tunnels of Grace.

"Yeah, somewhere," Alex looked through the mass of paperwork and films until he found the right ones.

"How do they get all mixed up like this? This is ridiculous," Meredith complained crossly, then sighed, "Sorry, never mind."

"At least you didn't have to spend six hours on dead guy scut, followed by six hours of rectals, yesterday!" complained Cristina, more crossly than Meredith, "And today, did I get a surgery? No! Not even the gallery! Bailey has me on pooper scooper duty with that kid who swallowed all the pieces in a Monopoly set. Damn it! When is she going to let up!?"

The other four interns looked at her and said nothing. Every one of them believed she deserved the punishment and were glad she was serving her time.

Finally Meredith said, "She punished me for Derek for about two months, the first time. Then about a week or two the second time."

"She hasn't quit punishing me for Denny. I suppose she never will," added Izzie seriously, "You're lucky, Cristina, after what you pulled, that you don't have to go through a battery of psychological rehab, and ethical and morals reeducation."

"Oh, shut it, Barbie, I'm not you. I didn't steal a heart for my boyfriend!" Cristina squawked.

Izzie pressed her lips together at Cristina's unkind, yet true words. Denny, ever present in her heart, suddenly appeared in her mind's eye. At first, she remembered him grinning and naughtily teasing her, then she flashed on her love grey and blue lipped, dead on a hospital bed. Pain and grief stabbed through her, but she hid the impact, her disguise perfected with tons of practice, so no one knew. She looked down at her half eaten granola bar and put it away, not hungry any more.

"You did, Cruela! You stole all those patients' hearts that Burke operated on with a shaky hand. You and Burke were wrong! And you still think the ends justified the means, even after you turned Burke in. You aren't sorry at all for what you did. I hope Bailey keeps you on pooper scooping for a month!" George was suddenly standing and shouting.

Cristina actually looked cowed. Meredith was watching the scene in complete surprise and Alex looked amused.

Izzie, pushing Denny away again, slowly stood up and said, "George, what is wrong with you? Something hasn't been right for days, and you are getting harder and harder, nastier and nastier over it. George, what!?"

"Nothing's wrong, Izzie!"

"Yeah, George, something is wrong. I've been wrapped up in my own mess with Mom and Guiseppe and Zach, but even I can tell that you aren't yourself," Meredith said quietly, "Please let us help."

"Meredith...," George began to snap.

"Don't snap at the girls, O'Malley! We aren't fools. We can see that you're sliding downhill fast. What's up? Not over your dad? Kama sutra solution not working with Torres anymore? Torres dump your sorry ass? What!?" Karev sat up and blasted George.

George's face was suffused with an unhealthy red glow. His lips were a thin white line. He frowned and his brows were drawn together almost to a unibrow.

"I asked Callie to marry me! God! Happy, now!?" George shouted.

There was a stunned silence. All four of his friends stared at him.

"So, this is your version of going crazy and jumping off a cliff, like Izzie did; like Cristina did," Alex finally said with brutal honesty.

"Shut it, Karev!"

"George," Meredith said softly, "Why are you angry? If you love Callie and have asked her to marry you, that's a good thing, right?"

"No, it's not!" said Izzie, looking out of raw, emotionally perspicacious eyes at her best friend, "George is angry because he knows he jumped off the cliff. He asked Callie to marry him and now he totally regrets it. He made a horrible mistake. It was way too soon. Right George?"

"Close you mouth, Izzie, you don't know anything about it. I don't need the opinion of someone who sees a psychiatrist every day."

Izzie gasped and stepped back. Even Cristina looked appalled. George was getting mean. Lately, his personality had hardened – and not in a grown up man way – more like the hardness of an unforgiving, judgmental bigot. George turned his back on them all and started packing his stuff up so he could leave. He wasn't about to admit Izzie was right. He'd regretted the proposal almost as soon as the words left his mouth.

"Damn, O'Malley, Izzie's right. That is the truth. I recognize it when I hear it. Now, after you've thrown a tantrum on your friends, and trash talked your best friend, making her feel hideous, you're going to storm away. That won't help you, man. If you need to slow down with Torres, then slow down. No one should be rushed into marriage. It's for life, man," Karev spoke firmly.

George kept packing, ignoring them, fuming.

"George, Alex is right. If you did something that you now regret, you need to fix it and not let it keep on going until Callie or you ends up terribly hurt."

"Thanks, Meredith. I really want relationship advice from someone who, a couple months ago, was a tequila soaked, slutty, train wreck dating a married man!"

"George!"

Both Izzie and Cristina said it at the same time. Alex shifted so he was between Meredith and George. He glared at O'Malley. George looked shocked at his own words for a second.

Then he shouted, "Damn it!" and stormed away.

"I'm sorry, Meredith. George must be having some kind of delayed reaction to his dad's death. That's all I can say," Izzie sadly gathered her trash together and threw it away. Then she packed her own reports for Shepherd and headed resolutely upstairs to her now weekly psychiatrist appointment.

Cristina and Alex and Meredith looked at each other in shock.

"What just happened... whew!" said Meredith.

"Bambi's blown a gasket. If he doesn't look out, he'll wind up with a wife he doesn't love, six kids, and a huge mortgage before he finishes residency," Cristina snorted, "Typical."

"Meredith, whatever. We have to get these done for Sloan by four thirty," Alex prompted Mer.

"Okay," Meredith said while still looking after both her room mates. Her heart ached for the nasty scene they'd just endured. She'd give just about anything at this point for life to run smoothly for a change.


	30. Ellis and Guiseppe

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 30: Ellis and Guiseppe**

"First we got that new admission from the Pit. Another victim of the...," Meredith paused and censored her words, "you know what. Treated exactly the same as poor Myra Dixon. Dr. Trent did the neuro. She was dumped in front of the hospital this time and then the, you know, apparently called the fire department. They found the poor woman under the bushes against the emergency care wing. That makes six victims in all so far."

"And then, later, we were all down in the tunnels, when George started shouting that he'd asked Callie to marry him, Derek. It was crazy! He was all mad and mean, saying hateful things to everyone. I just don't know what's gotten into him. But, I'll tell you, if proposing makes someone this mad and crazy, then I agree with Izzie and Alex. It's way too soon, and he's jumped off a cliff."

Derek sat behind the wheel of his new silver BMW and calmly drove to Roseridge Nursing Home. Zachary was suspiciously quiet in the back seat and Meredith was ranting in the front seat. Derek felt that both reactions were attempts to handle the stress of the impending meeting with Ellis Grey. He patiently listened to Meredith and inserted comments where he could. Finally, her words ran down and she gazed out the rain speckled window, silent and lost in thought. He reached across the gap in their seats and laid a warm hand on her thigh.

She smiled at him as best she could. It was her 'I'm brave, I can take it on the chin again ' smile. She'd told Derek that he didn't need to come with Zach and her. She could take Zach by herself to see Ellis. Derek had just grimaced at her and waved to the car. She was afraid of imposing too much on him, but he never acted as if it were an imposition. She was thankfully relieved she didn't have to do this by herself. Derek had been there for her, never wavering, from their recommitment to each other. Meredith's smile grew less strained and she covered his hand with hers.

Zachary leaned between the seats and said, "What if she doesn't like me?"

Meredith instantly turned around in her seatbelt and reassured the little boy. It made her feel better too, to have someone else to focus on. Zachary had a child's natural fear of nursing homes, and of his birth mother being a mean, crazy woman. The sad part was that Meredith knew that there was every chance that Ellis _wouldn't_ like Zach, since she didn't like _any_ children. Meredith kept up steady reassurances even as Derek parked and they all walked into the reception area of the home. Zachary really wanted and needed to meet Ellis, so here they were. Derek and Zachary sat in one of the private parlors while Meredith went to get her mom.

"Are you okay, Zach?" Derek asked the boy.

He'd been out on the boat all day with Kyle again. His cheeks were pink from the cold wind. He scrunched down into his chair, looking small and forgotten.

"Yeah... I guess," the boy hesitated, then shrugged.

"Why don't you come over here and sit next to me, buddy," Derek patted the couch next to him. Zachary slouched across the room with studied nonchalance. Then sat as close to Derek as he could without being a baby. Derek fixed the problem by putting an arm around him and pulling him against his side. The boy was terrified, and like Meredith, tried to hide it and keep his chin up most of the time.

"Mom, come this way," Meredith said, "Sit right here."

As Meredith seated Ellis in a paisley print armchair, Zachary studied his mom. She looked a lot like Meredith, he thought. Her eyes were the same color as Meredith's eyes – as his eyes. Other than that, he didn't recognize himself in her.

"Dr. Grey, good to see you again," said Derek politely. He wanted to throttle the woman. Too bad, in so many ways, that she was so sick.

"Dr. Shepherd, isn't it? You were my neuro consult on a gunshot victim," Meredith and Derek exchanged surprised glances, "What can I do for you, doctor? I'm a busy woman."

"Actually, doctor," Derek cleared his throat, "I'd like to introduce you to a young man I just met. This is Zachary. He's ten years old. Zach, say hello to Dr. Grey."

"Hello," Zachary said in a small voice, hanging back beside Derek.

"Hello," Ellis said to the child perfunctorily.

"Dr. Shepherd, I have reports to write," she said impatiently.

"I know, ma'am, but this is important," Derek was insistent enough to get Ellis' wandering attention again.

"Mom, this is Zachary Harrington Smith. He is my brother, your son, Guiseppe's son. We got the blood test confirmation today. Zachary is the baby you gave away to your second cousin, Pauline Harrington."

Ellis looked very confused and then she frowned, "Pauline? Is that your name?"

"No, Mom, I'm Meredith, your daughter. This is Zachary. He is your son. Yours and Guiseppe's," Meredith kept her patience with long practice, "You had a baby, Mom, a boy. You let him be adopted by Pauline Harrington and her husband, three days after he was born. He's visiting me now, and he wanted to see you."

Ellis shook her head and said impatiently, "I have to go now. I have reports to write for the board."

She started to rise from the chair. Zachary left Derek's side and went to Ellis before she could leave. He picked up her hand in both of his.

"Hello, Mom, I'm Zach. I know you don't know me, but I'm your son," he looked steadily into her eyes, stroking her hand.

Ellis stared at the beautiful boy in front of her. Meredith held her breath, hoping against hope that Ellis would be kind. She stood behind Zach and placed her hands on his shoulders. He glanced up at her and then back at Ellis.

Ellis' blank look faded and a mean look spread over her face instead, "Who are you? I don't have a son. What kind of game are you playing?"

"Yes, Ellis, we do have a son. You and me," said a deep, melodious voice from the doorway.

Everyone turned, startled.

"_Papà_ Guiseppe!"

Guiseppe Giordano walked into the parlor supported by his nephew, Michele. Zach clutched Meredith's hands on his shoulders. Guiseppe smiled his most loving smile at his children.

"Hello, _Zia_ Ellis, it is good to see you again," said Michele smiling at Ellis.

"Guiseppe! Michele! Where have you been? I waited for you to come get me, but you never came," Ellis' mind jumped the track again like crazy train.

First Guiseppe, and then Michele, leaned over Ellis and kissed her thin, pale cheeks. Ellis visibly softened and smiled at the two newcomers. Her face actually took on a cast of her youth.

"Oh, Michele, you always were such a handsome boy," she said gaily to the thirty-something man.

Guiseppe had embraced Meredith and Zachary, kissing them both, murmuring his greetings. Then he shook Derek's hand. Derek helped him find a chair next to Ellis, and surreptitiously looked him over. Guiseppe appeared to be well at first glance.

"Thank you, _Zia_ Ellis. I think your son, Zachary, my cousin, is also a very handsome boy, don't you?" Michele grinned at Ellis trying to charm her into at least acknowledging Zach after seeing the boy's sad face.

"Yes, yes, all you Giordanos are as handsome as sin. This boy looks a lot like you and Vincenzo, yes?" Ellis said.

"Yes, he does. He also looks very much like the pictures of _Zio_ Guiseppe at that age. He is Guiseppe's son, so that is only natural."

Michele seated himself next to Derek on the couch. Meredith and Zachary sat on a love seat together. Derek thought they'd never looked more similar. Both had closed expressions with a hint of hope in their Meredith eyes. Zachary held Meredith's hand tightly, as he watched his birth parents with big eyes.

Ellis had suddenly morphed into a gay, entertaining woman in the face of all the masculinity in the room. She switched repeatedly back and forth between the time just before she married Guiseppe and their actual marriage. At no time did she ever pay Zach or Meredith any real attention. They sat on the sidelines of her gay little glitch in time, not really a part of Ellis' world at all. Derek and Michele were more real to her than they were. Meredith could feel the heavy familiar sadness settle over her spirits. Then she looked at Zachary and saw the same heaviness reflected on his face. Determination rose inside of her to clear that pain from his young visage. She and Zach were real. They did count.

"Derek, Zachary and I have to leave now. _Papà_ Guiseppe, Michele, good to see you," Meredith was already sweeping Zach out of the room, ignoring Ellis as completely as Ellis had ignored her children for most of her life. Zach walked as fast as Meredith, needing the escape as much as she.

The two of them almost raced to Derek's car, standing in the rain, uncaring.

Meredith touched the side of the BMW and said, "I win," facetiously.

Zach gave a small laugh and denied it, calling her a big cheater since he hadn't known they were racing. Derek slowly walked through the rain after them. He too paid no attention to the wet.

"Meredith, Zachary... Guiseppe and Michele ask that you come inside and speak to them without Ellis present. They want to discuss Zachary's future," Derek said solemnly.

Meredith and Zach froze for an instant and then exchanged glances. Meredith's was encouraging, Zach's was wary. Mer held out her hand to Zach. They obediently trailed after Derek back into Roseridge.

Guiseppe and Michele were still seated in the same parlor, but Michele had moved to the chair Ellis had used. Derek led Zach and Meredith to the couch so they could all sit together. He put his arm around Meredith's shoulders noticing that she still kept Zach's hand tightly in hers.

"_Cara_, please don't look so frightened. I am not my father. He is a fearful old man, set in his ways. I apologize for him and ask that you ask God to forgive him if you can't," Guiseppe's beautiful personality had not been affected by the brain surgery.

"_Papà_ Guiseppe, I hold nothing against any of the Giordanos. The years I spent in Rome were some of the happiest of my life. I loved _Nonna_ Maria Elena, your mother, and you, _Papà,_" Meredith said earnestly, "I loved Michele and Vincenzo and the girls."

"Michele has told me much of what he remembers of that time. You and I were very close."

"Yes, _Papà,_" Meredith nodded.

"I want that same closeness with my son. Zachary, I am desolate that I missed the first ten years of your life. I don't want to miss any more. And, thanks be to God and Dr. Shepherd, I won't have to."

"Zachary, did you know your name comes from a Hebrew word that means 'the Lord has remembered'. Since I can not remember, the Lord has remembered for me. It is meant that you and I have found each other again."

Guiseppe took a deep breath and said, "I want you to come live with me in _Roma, _my son. Meet all your many, many cousins and learn your father's language and culture. You will learn to ride and sail and speak Italian. The Harrington Smiths will always be your mom and dad, but now maybe, you can have a _Papà _too."

Zachary's eyes teared in relief and joy at the love and acceptance in Guiseppe's face and voice. He had a _Papà. _ Guiseppe had eyes only for Zachary, and Michele tended to his uncle. Meredith carefully laid Zach's hand on the couch and put her own in her lap, looking down. She breathed shallowly as her heart tore jaggedly. Her baby brother was leaving... with _Papà. _They had both forgotten her again. Familiar abandonment pain took the place of the sad heaviness over her spirits. She was on the sidelines again, only this time she was alone.

"I can live with you?" Zach asked, alight at the idea of Rome and a big family.

"Yes, son. I asked my lawyers here in Seattle to start legalities as soon as I found out about you. They have managed to unravel most of the red tape for you to be able to travel with us the day after tomorrow. Passport updated, everything. Michele and the lawyers have found a sympathetic judge who can expedite formal adoption proceedings and everything else we need. Of course, finalization may take a year, but we'll have temporary papers ready now. The blood test confirmation that we got today was all we needed," Guiseppe smiled brilliantly at his son.

"I can be a full time father to you. I can not ever go back to surgery, so I will accept teaching and lecturing positions for only when you are in school. Michele and Vincenzo will help us until I am fully recovered from the surgery. I will carry on my African Relief missions and perhaps you will help me."

"_Papà... _that is what you want me to call you?" Zach asked Guiseppe.

"Yes, my son."

"_Papà, _why do we have to leave so soon? We could stay and visit Meredith. I've been fishing. Maybe you could go with me and Kyle on the boat," the little boy revealed how young he was, as he spoke hopefully.

"We must leave first thing, the day after tomorrow, Zach, because Michele and I have been far too long away from the businesses and the family. There are many decisions affecting thousands of people that can not be made until we are there. You understand, yes? We delayed our departure already in order to wait for the legalities for you. You may visit Meredith again some time, when she invites you. If you'd like, we will pick you up tomorrow and we will see the sights of Seattle together, yes?"

Zach shrugged his acceptance. Guiseppe handed Derek their travel itinerary, and everyone stood. They arranged to pick up Zach at the hospital at six, and Guiseppe and Michele slowly made their way from the room.

"Meredith, _Papà _wants me! He wants me. I have a dad," Zachary was all excited and mixed up and sad and scared. His small body vibrated with energy. He let Meredith hug him. Then he turned to Derek for approval. Derek wasn't paying attention to Zach. His face was unutterably sad as he studied Meredith's blank, smooth features. He gently pressed her icy palm to his heart.

"I'm here, pretty girl, I love you. I haven't forgotten you and I won't leave you," Derek kissed her cold lips and bundled his girl and her little boy to the car.

o-o-o

Meredith rose again from her bed and went to check on Zach. Derek sighed as he was jostled awake again. He glanced at the clock and sighed again. She'd been checking on Zach every thirty minutes or so for hours. He hitched up his low slung pajama bottoms and padded down the stairs barefooted. His heart melted at the sight of Meredith kneeling by the couch, gently brushing Zach's black curls from his face. Derek sat in the large comfy chair and opened his arms to her. She came to him then and curled up into a wad on his lap.

"I'm going to miss him, Derek," she finally said in a cracked voice.

"I know, Meredith, I know."

_**Thank you all for reviewing this piece. samsolace **_


	31. Glumpy

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 31: Glumpy**

"So, Zachary, we have our plan, right?"

The child nodded. Meredith and Michele had worked out exactly what they'd need in Italy and in Seattle to set up Internet conferencing for Zachary and Meredith to stay in touch. Meredith couldn't bear to let the child go until she knew she'd be able to see him again. She and Michele had also asked Guiseppe to draw up formal papers for guardianship of Zach to pass to Meredith, and not to anyone else, in the event that Guiseppe died before the child reached eighteen. He consented and those documents were already being prepared by his Seattle attorneys.

Meredith had insisted on purchasing international phone cards for Zach, making sure they were in a plastic sleeve with her own business card, complete with all her and Derek's numbers. She had Michele also include several time difference calculations to make it easy for Zach to know what time it was in Seattle.

"Of course, chances are, as long as I'm an intern, I'm likely to be awake at all hours," she'd laughed and Zach had solemnly nodded.

The closer he got to departure the quieter and more frightened he became. His initial burst of enthusiasm was gone and he clung to Meredith. She let him cling while she prepared everything as quickly as she could, knowing time was short. She wanted to cling too.

Michele had picked up Zach at the hospital at six and had driven him to Guiseppe to have a leisurely breakfast. Then they'd gone swimming and walking. Guiseppe and Michele had taken Zachary touring and shopping and had finally ended up at Seattle Grace to meet Meredith for lunch. Derek had been in surgery.

"Ah, _bella bambina_, it is wonderful to see you," Guiseppe kissed Meredith on both cheeks and hugged her lovingly while Michele and Zachary went to bring them all lunch.

Meredith's heart had warmed at his sweetness. Guiseppe had always been the kindest person she knew. Derek had talked to her half the night before, making her understand that with the internet and phone system today, people were only a moment away from each other. Guiseppe had been tired and slow the night before, dealing with the stress of meeting a disabled ex-wife he couldn't remember. Derek had reassured her over and over that Guiseppe did love her and so did Zach. Meredith would always have abandonment issues. But, Derek had convinced her that they were doing what was best for everyone, that's all.

"_Papà_ Guiseppe, how are you today?" Meredith had asked, concerned that he was flying the next day.

"I am happy and healthy, _bambina_, never fear. I have my life, my son, and my daughter. You will visit us, yes? Every year I will bring Zachary to see his mother and sister, but you will also visit us in _Roma_, won't you? I read the letter I wrote you and I am a greedy man. I have asked God to give me my daughter back as well as my son."

"Oh, _Papà_ Guiseppe, I have been your daughter since the moment we met. I have never turned away from you. Of course I will be as available as Seattle Grace lets me be," Meredith had said.

"I wish I could say the same to you, daughter," Guiseppe had said simply and regretfully, his lack of memory disturbing him once again.

Meredith thought of Guiseppe now as she finished packing Zachary's stuff. How in the world had the child accumulated so much stuff so quickly? Guiseppe had promised to also stay in touch with Meredith as often as possible. After all, he'd winked at her, sooner or later she'd need him to walk her down the aisle, yes? He had to be ready.

She'd blushed at his heavy handed innuendo and he'd gently laughed.

"C'mon Zach, lets go downstairs," Meredith said now,

They trooped down the stairs together and joined Izzie and Derek in the living room. Izzie was folding laundry, while Derek was reading the newspaper. Meredith could hear George in the kitchen loading the dishwasher.

"All set, little man?" asked Izzie smiling brilliantly at Zach.

He frowned and nodded, sitting close to Meredith on the couch. She took her scrubs from Izzie and started folding.

"We've got the conferencing all figured out. Michele is also going to get Zachary a cell phone with international reach in Italy. Guiseppe said he may be able to come back as early as Christmas or maybe Derek and I can fly out there for Christmas, I don't know. You know we don't get much time. But, I did work Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's last year. Maybe I'll have some time off over the holidays this year," Meredith said to Izzie, reassuring Zachary again as she went over everything.

"Meredith, what if I want to stay with you? Can I stay?" Zachary blurted, his face pale.

Derek looked up from behind his paper and Izzie paused folding George's scrubs. Meredith smiled at Zachary her most luminous smile.

"Why then, we tell Guiseppe that you want to stay with me and we talk about it. We might be able to work something out. Or we compromise. If that doesn't work, I take Guiseppe to court and fight for custody of you."

"You'd do that?" Zach asked.

"You're my brother, Zach, of course I'd do that. Don't worry, it's a dirty trick, but I have plenty of money from a recent windfall to fight in court. I hire the best attorneys there are and fight. I have the advantage that you are an American citizen and he wants to take you to Italy. Of course, I am an intern who works a minimum of eighty hours per week; I don't have much time right now to spend with you, while Guiseppe has time on his hands."

"You'd keep me if I asked you?" Zachary asked again.

Meredith held her arms out to him and he flew into them almost strangling her delicate neck.

"I would. You bet I would," Meredith affirmed, her face pressed to his soft curls, drowning in special little boy scent.

Derek smiled at them. Zachary was giving Meredith exactly what she needed and vice versa. He went back to his paper, tiredly rubbing his neck. It had been a long week and he hadn't slept much last night. He'd had to operate on Ms. Callet today, the other rape victim, to relieve pressure on her brain. She was still unconscious. He didn't think she was going to be as lucky as Ms. Dixon. At least Dr. Stevens was working out. She'd done everything he'd asked by the book. He was impressed with her steadiness so far. The woman had certainly come a long way, Derek thought, watching Izzie resume folding George's scrubs.

"So, if I get to Rome with _Papà_ and I hate everything there, I can tell you?" Zach asked.

"Yes, of course. But, Zach, I know you're going to love it. The best part of my childhood was spent there. It is a beautiful place to grow up and Guiseppe will love you with all his heart. Michele and his brother, Vincenzo, are great friends of mine. I talked to Vincenzo on the phone today and he promised to take good care of you for me along with Michele. Vincenzo just got married and his wife is expecting their first baby. You'll have a new baby cousin to play with."

"But, when I was in boarding school one time, when I was sixteen, things went bad for me," Meredith said to Zach, stroking his hair as he cuddled close to her slim body.

George, who'd joined them in the living room with a beer, slowly lowered his bottle and stared at Meredith. Izzie stopped folding Derek's scrubs and stared as well. Neither had ever heard her mention a word about boarding school since her nightmares had woken all of them. Derek lowered his paper again and calmly listened to her try to protect Zachary in a way no one had bothered to protect her.

"What happened?" Zach asked innocently.

"When the headmistresses let me talk on the phone to my mother twice, they stood over me and made sure I couldn't tell my mother they were hurting me. Just in case things go bad for you and you want me to come get you, we'll have a code word you can use, no matter what, okay?"

"I'll keep it secret and only use it in an emergency," he said, excited to have a secret.

"That's right. So what will our code word be?" she asked.

"Glumpy," Zach said without hesitation.

George and Izzie laughed at that.

"Why 'Glumpy', Zach?" Iz asked, curiously.

"'Cuz that was the name of my best friend's bull dog when I was a little kid," he said.

Then he added generously, "Meredith, you can use 'Glumpy' too as your secret code word to me, if anyone ever hurts you again, like those head people, okay?"

She snatched him close and this time it was her turn to nearly strangle him as tears sprang to her eyes, "Okay," she said.

George and Izzie both had to look away from Meredith's face, which was for once completely transparent, and far too personal and revealing. Derek laid his paper aside and wrapped his arms around both his precious girl and her little boy. He kissed Zach's curls and then Meredith's soft cheek.

"Time for bed you two. We all have to be up at four again. Come on."

o-o-o


	32. Threads

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 32: Threads**

Meredith went into Derek's open arms uncaring that they stood in the scrub room outside Sloan's latest surgery. His loving hug and comforting kiss were a balm on her bruised heart. She curled her hand into a loose fist and rested it on his chest in front of her face. She listened to the strong, steady beat of his heart and closed her eyes, soothed further. For a long, peaceful moment they stood together gently swaying, Derek's lips pressed to her hair. She smelled like wild roses today, he thought passingly, soothed himself.

Meredith startled when the doors burst open, admitting Sloan and Karev, but Derek just gathered his girl closer, tucking her gently under his chin and murmuring reassuringly to her. She settled back on his chest, eyes closed, resting and recovering from the first harsh day separated from Zach and Guiseppe. Derek glanced up at the other men over Meredith's head.

"Well, hello, what have we here?" Sloan started to tease them about snogging, until Derek shook his head at him.

Sloan arched an eyebrow in inquiry instead, trying to see Meredith's face. He watched Derek slowly caress a circle on her back.

"Feeling low, Genie Eyes?" Alex asked his friend, for once not ragging her.

She nodded against Derek's chest not opening her eyes. She held up two fingers.

"Okay," Alex said and started scrubbing in, ignoring Shepherd, Sloan and Grey.

Shepherd and Sloan both raised eyebrows at that. Sometimes it was easy to forget that Alex and Meredith had a closer relationship than they let on. They'd actually spent a lot of time together and understood each other quite well.

"Mind letting me in on the secret communiqué?" asked Sloan, sarcastically amused, and turning on the water.

"The petite sweet needs a few more minutes. Losing her step dad and little brother today was a double dose of trouble. She'll be fine with a double dose of Shepherd. That's all. Leave her be."

Alex never looked up from scrubbing in. Sloan grinned at Derek as he scrubbed in, enjoying a rare moment of connection with his old friend. Derek shrugged and his mouth quirked in a half smile at Sloan. The two attendings were both amused. Meredith's connection with the other interns defied description.

Derek lowered his head over Meredith's and hid his face in her wild rose hair. He was ready to stay here all day if she needed him to. She was doing pretty well, all told. But when she heard Alex' water auto shut, she reluctantly opened her eyes and stretched up to kiss her guy 'thanks' and 'I love you' and 'I'll see you after this last surgery'. Derek hugged her hard one last time and let her go. He caressed a hand over her back, nodded to Sloan, and pushed through the doors, heading for post op.

Meredith tied her hair in a cap, and a mask over her face, efficient with practice, ignoring Mark's evil grin. She carefully scrubbed into his latest surgery. She and Alex had both won kudos from Bailey for copies of their previous typed up notes. Meredith had done the writing with Alex pacing, recounting every detail for her. Between them, they'd managed to accumulate the best notes yet from Sloan.

Meredith had been silent all day. Zachary and the Giordanos were gone. She was making it, not torn apart, but sad, missing Zach, and missing Guiseppe. This leave taking was different though. Zach had given her a connection with Guiseppe again. Guiseppe had given her Zach. She was very happy and grateful. She was all mixed up.

"Meredith, it's going to be okay, you know?" Mark said in as sincere a voice as he ever used.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks, I'm good."

"Derek's not snapping at me any more," he observed a little hesitantly.

"No, no he's not. That's good," she graced him with a pixie smile.

They finished scrubbing in and headed into surgery. Every day Alex and Meredith learned a tremendous amount from Sloan. He was starting to trust them in a minuscule way and together with two residents, they were forming quite a team. Meredith had a fine, patient hand for the tiny, subtle, stitching required in plastics. She also loved the reconstructions, just like Karev. Now if she could only build her speed.

o-o-o

After the surgery, Sloan rapidly delivered his usual boatload of instructions for post operative care and charting and carelessly walked away whistling through his teeth. Alex and Meredith took care of it all and headed for the cafeteria for a much needed caloric boost and rest. It was only a few hours until they were off-duty, but both were starved and hadn't paused since a fifteen minute food break at eleven that morning.

They grabbed a table in the corner and sipped coffee like it was manna from heaven. They shared a plate of bazillion calorie chocolate pastries between them. After a few minutes, Meredith hesitantly spoke.

"I really like plastics, Alex," she said.

"Yeah, me too, wasn't that skin grafting today totally cool? Sloan is incredible when he's not being Satan's lieutenant," Alex waxed enthusiastic.

"It really was. I was so surprised at how easy it went," Meredith said.

"Sloan's pretty tough, but he teaches great when he wants to," Alex said.

"Yeah, he's an incredible surgeon, like Derek and Burke. He just has to give up treating interns like personal servants, that's all."

Meredith saw Izzie and George approaching.

"Here comes trouble, angel eyes," Alex said off-handedly, biting into another chocolate éclair. He really liked the new pastry selections the coffee carts were selling.

George and Izzie plopped down and Izzie said in frustrated anger, "Go ahead and tell them, George."

"Alright, I will," George faced Karev and Grey with his pugnacious chin up, "Callie and I are flying to Vegas for three days off tonight. We're getting married."

Alex and Meredith looked volumes at each other in one second flat. This was going to be ugly, no matter what. George was obviously out of his mind from his father's death. Callie was a much more forceful personality than George. She'd obviously pushed him into a corner with her demands that he declare his love to her. They couldn't imagine George coming up with this on his own. He was squishy and Georgie Porgie, but this?! It was the mismatch from hell, and would certainly devastate George eventually.

"George, are you happy?" Mer asked cautiously.

"Of course I'm happy! What kind of question is that?" he snarled.

"Take it easy," she held her hands up, in a don't shoot gesture, "Congratulations. I'm happy you're happy."

Alex merely sipped his coffee and said nothing. There was nothing really to say as far as he could see. George was determined to make the biggest mistake of his life, but if they said anything more about it they would push him to do it out of hard headed 'cut off your nose to spite your face' illogic.

"That's all you have to say?" Izzie demanded.

"Yeah, Iz. George has a right to live his own life and make his own decisions. Don't you see that? He's not asking our opinions. He's telling us his plans. The only thing people should ever say when someone tells them that she's pregnant or that he or she's getting married is 'congratulations, I'm happy for you'. We don't get a vote," Meredith said sympathetically, looking into Izzie's frustrated, fearful, desperate eyes.

Izzie wanted to say something else, but the warning in both Alex and Meredith's eyes made her hesitate.

George stood abruptly, "Thanks for that, I think. I'm moving out, Meredith. Callie and I are packing my stuff tonight and moving it to her flat before our red eye flight. We should have enough time. Keep the rest of this month's rent, the last month's rent and my security deposit in lieu of notice and cleaning. I've got to go."

"Okay, George. Please tell Callie felicitations."

Without another word or glance at Izzie, George walked away, determined on his course of action, like a kamikaze pilot, bent on self-destruction. Izzie slumped.

"Iz, say something to him, now!" hissed Meredith.

Izzie wildly looked around and called, "All my love, George!" it was the best she could do.

He paused in his step and then kept going. His only acknowledgment of her was his raised hand as he walked away. Izzie burst into tears. She couldn't bear it. She'd lost Denny and now she'd lost George. Her heart felt like it was breaking. She felt horribly alone and exposed. She'd anchored to George after Denny's death and now she was cut adrift. She'd made a terrible, life ruinous mistake, and now she had to stand by and watch George do the same. She couldn't help him. She remembered her own kamikaze flight. Nothing could have stopped her either. She would pay for her mistake the rest of her life. Worse, many people around her would pay for her mistake for months, years, a life, lives, she didn't know. She was afraid that the exact same thing would happen to George. If George thought he knew pain now, he was in for a rude awakening. The fires of Hell awaited him, and he didn't even know it. Izzie cried for herself and she cried for George.

"Izzie, you can't save him. You have to let him go," Alex said as he handed her a napkin for her tears, "O'Malley's growing up finally. He's still your friend, but if you come between him and his woman, he'll follow his 'nads. It's what men do."

Then as Izzie wiped her face, Alex turned to Meredith and asked, "So, I hear you have a room available at _chez_ Grey. Can I have it?"

"What?! George hasn't even left the building and you're trying to take his room?! No! Meredith, you have to keep the room open so that when he realizes he made a horrible mistake, he'll have somewhere to go!" Izzie was panicking again.

"Izzie, sh, calm down. Alex, you have a place. Why do you need the room?" Meredith asked reasonably.

"Mer, get real, I live in a 300 square foot efficiency and pay one hundred more a month than you charge. Plus it's fifteen minutes further out. You know what an extra half hour would mean to me. Come on," Alex urged.

Meredith hesitated, "You'd have to share a bath with Izzie."

"Meredith!"

"Izzie, wait, I have an idea that may help us all," Meredith said soothingly.

"I won't leave the seat up, ever," he gave the boyscout salute and grinned while Izzie humphed disgustedly.

"You'd have to do the grocery shopping, including feminine supplies, one third of the time, no reneging, no renegotiation, no hassles."

"I'm Captain of the vagina squad," Alex batted his baby browns at her.

"You have to clean up after yourself, no pigsty," Meredith cocked a brow at him, he nodded and shrugged.

"And most importantly, what happens at _chez_ Grey, stays at _chez_ Grey, no gossiping," Meredith was firm.

"Got it, my lips are padlocked. You have my word. When can I move in?"

"Meredith, no!" Izzie said again in anguish, genuinely scared and hurt. Life was changing too quickly for her, she was having trouble adapting.

"Alex, you may move in when George and Callie get back from Vegas, actually married. Until then, I'll hold it for him," Meredith held her hand up to stop Izzie, "And Alex, even after you move in, I want a probationary period of six weeks, just in case, for George and for us. Can you agree to those terms?"

"Done, angel, the efficiency is month to month anyway. I can always get another if I have to," Alex grinned, pleased with the move.

Izzie looked at her hands miserably.

"Izzie, c'mon, it's not that bad. George and Callie may genuinely love each other. Maybe this is their chance for real happiness. No one on the outside can really know exactly what is between two people. Not even you. All we know for sure is that they want to commit to their relationship. George is still your friend. Callie can't change that, only you can. Step back and let him live his own life," Meredith tried to talk to Izzie but she wasn't sure if it made a difference.

Izzie nodded absently and muttered about getting back to Shepherd's patients. She was monitoring a newly installed brain shunt in an infant carefully. Alex and Meredith also headed back to post op. They had one last round and a ton of scut to get through before they could head home.

o-o-o

Meredith finished entering the last codes in the computer and glanced over to see how Alex was doing. He gave her a grin and a thumbs up. They'd worked out a great system together. Meredith thought that even Sloan was pleased, although he'd never say so. Alex and Meredith gathered their stuff and headed for the locker room, just as Shepherd, trailed by Stevens, hailed them from one direction and Sloan called from the other.

"Hey, pretty girl, wanna date?" Derek happily said to Meredith and then winked at a scandalized patient who walked by, giving him a dirty look.

"Hey, date a doctor? Alright!" Meredith laughed up at him, happy to see him, "My crystal ball tells me your last surgery went really well! Yes?"

"Fantastic. I think there's every chance at a full recovery," Derek leaned down and kissed her cherry lips. She was sweet.

"I do want to go out tonight, Derek, will you take me?"

"Sure, pretty girl, I asked."

"Well, I want you to take my roomies too," she added.

Derek paused, surprised, "Well, okay, George and Izzie too, then."

He wanted alone time with Meredith, but if she needed her 'family' around her this evening, that was okay with him. He'd have the night.

"No, George is getting married to Callie in Vegas tomorrow. He's leaving. My new roomies are Izzie and Alex."

Sloan and Shepherd both looked up in surprise. Karev had been giving the low down on patients to Sloan, while Meredith was with Shepherd. Stevens just stood there miserably, flinching at the mention of George. She shook her head at Meredith. She didn't want to go out.

Before anyone could say anything Meredith said, "And Derek, I'd like to invite Mark, too, okay?"

Everyone stared at Meredith as if she'd grown a second head.

"I have something I want to talk to both you and Mark about, Derek, and I want Alex and Izzie there too."

Derek looked into her eyes and saw she was serious. Whatever was up was important to his pretty girl. Fighting his instinct to shout, 'hell, no!' Derek glared at Mark and then nodded to Meredith.

"Him too," Derek granted while Mark stared in open mouthed shock.

_Damn, that little Grey girl was as good as her word._

**_Thank you, commenters. _**


	33. Tea or Coffee

_**I originally intended to end this story after Meredith said goodbye to Guiseppe at the elevators. Then I added the story of Zach and Guiseppe, which gave Guiseppe back to Meredith and gave Meredith a brother. I could also have stopped there. But, Acts and Dreams are really groups of stories for season 3. I intend to finish out season 3 in Dreams, rather than starting a new story. I am planning something different than the ferryboat arc and the disastrous season 3 ending. samsolace**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 33: Tea or Coffee **

Meredith, Derek, Mark, Alex and Izzie all sat in Meredith's favorite Thai restaurant taking turns ordering. Izzie was a little confused by the Thai selections so she and Meredith had their heads together going over options. Iz was actually feeling a little better, not quite so alone. Mark ordered with a studied nonchalance, ignoring Derek. Derek tapped his fingers and wondered if he were mad. What in the world had Meredith drug him into this time? She covered his tapping fingers with a gentle hand. Alex, sitting on Derek's left side, sat back and watched the show, an amused smirk on his face. Mer had already taught him about Thai food when he was her brave Slave so he had no trouble ordering.

Drinks were served and Meredith and Izzie both sipped their hot tea gratefully, before Meredith said, "Thank you, Derek, for taking us out. I appreciate all of you coming. I've been thinking a lot about something and I need advice. I thought you'd be the best people to ask."

Izzie looked up curiously. Meredith never asked for advice. She'd always had to be alone before. Now Izzie smiled, Meredith was letting herself become interdependent with others, like a family. Derek, uneasy about this, caught Izzie's smile and had the same thought. He nodded to her.

"I'm not sure of my ground here, because of all the upheaval lately, so I'd really value all your opinions," Meredith paused to gather courage and her thoughts.

"Meredith, what is it?" asked Derek.

"I think I've found the specialty I want to enter," She said, holding his hand, and smiling at his surprised face. Whatever he'd thought was going on, this hadn't been it.

Alex glanced up in surprise also with his eyebrows raised. Izzie murmured a quick, "good for you, Mer". Derek and Mark sat back against their seat backs, old habit making them exchange significant looks.

"I've done rotations now in every surgical specialty. Dr. Mannheim asked me to strongly consider Ophthalmological surgery. He said I have a very fine, delicate hand and an innate ability to work in small concentrated areas. He let me try a lot of things first years don't usually get to try. It was fascinating to restore patients' vision. Remember, Izzie, how cool that was? You were shadowing me so we both got to see a lot. I really like Mannheim, and think I could learn a lot from him."

Alex tipped back his beer, "But..."

"But... I don't think so. Both ophthalmological and otorhinolaryngological surgery is just _too _specialized for me. Besides, I don't really care for the ear, nose and throat team," Meredith said tactfully.

Alex snorted and Izzie hid a smile behind a napkin. Shepherd and Sloan looked at each other, clueless as to what was amusing the interns. Meredith frowned at her friends. Dr. Bertoll, in ENT, was terribly flatulent throughout his surgeries. The more successful the surgery, the more flatulent he was. He was an extremely successful surgeon. Every surgery was a torment, even behind a mask.

"And you're not an ortho chick or a dental gal at all, so both orthopedic and maxillofacial surgery are out," said Izzie wrapping lettuce around her spring roll and pouring fish sauce over it.

"Wait, Mer, I always thought you had a hankering for neuro," Alex smirked, "Or was that just the head of neurosurgery?"

"Alex," Meredith flushed at Sloan's knowing look, and ducked her head.

Derek grinned at her. He'd always thought she'd follow him into neuro too. They'd work together, spending most of their time together. He'd looked forward to it. But, now his smile faded as he got an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Why would Sloan need to be here for neuro?

"Of course, I love neuro, but it is so terribly specialized also," Meredith hesitated looking at Derek. He nodded to her to go on, even as disappointment filled him.

"What about gastroenterological and general surgery Mer? We'll be in it together, and we can still study with Dr. Bailey," asked Izzie.

"I thought at first I would be a general surgeon, like Mom and Uncle Richard and Dr. Bailey, but then... It was too general for me. I wanted something in the middle."

"And the gynie squad, baby catchers, pee pack and pooper scoopers," added Mark sardonically, referring to gynecological, obstetrics, urinological and colorectal surgeons, with typical surgical snobbery, "suck. You don't want those."

"Cardio, vascular, and thoracic surgeries never really appealed as specialties to me. I love studying them, like neuro, but as specialties...,"

"No, again, huh?" Alex said, understanding.

"Yeah, no again."

"So that leaves..." prompted Mark. Derek shot him a disgruntled look.

"That leaves plastics and transplants. And since transplanting comes after already specializing, it leaves plastics. I really like it, Derek," Meredith beseeched him, "It is so cool to do the reconstructions. I just need to know what you think. Dr. Sloan, am I a good candidate for plastics?"

Derek had about twenty thoughts and feelings running at the same time. Meredith's face was hopeful and innocent. She wanted his approval, but how was he supposed to approve of her working closely with Sloan for the next six years? He wanted her in neuro. She had a fine hand for plastics, it was true. But, she also had an equally fine hand for neuro. He kicked himself. He should have been giving her more exposure to neuro, instead of trying to play it fair with all the interns. Maybe her mind wasn't set.

"Dr. Grey," said Mark slowly, "you are. All interns drive me crazy. You are one of the least objectionable. I...," he paused and looked at Derek, "I'd have to think it over, whether I'd accept you."

"Meredith, that would be great. We can learn it together," said Karev.

"Alex, you wouldn't think I was horning in on your space?" Mer asked anxiously.

"Hell no. It's been great this last week. We're a good team," he affirmed.

"Meredith," asked Izzie hesitantly, "Why did you ask me to join you? I don't have anything to add."

Meredith turned to fully face Izzie on her right, "Izzie, I value your opinion. I'd have asked Cristina and George too, if they were available. You've been there for me with Zachary and through Guiseppe's surgery. Of course you're important to me."

"Thanks, Mer," Izzie felt humbled, "And for what it is worth, I haven't seen a specialty you couldn't handle. I've followed you through every surgery and I think you'd be great at any of them."

"Thanks Iz, I knew you'd help."

Izzie clenched her fists in her lap. Part of her overreactions to George's mess was that ever since dating the ortho chick he'd turned his back on her. He never included her in anything any more. He'd been downright cruel over her care of his father. He was secretive and hidden. They never laughed or joked the way they once had. She felt cut adrift, floating further and further out to sea away from the safety of the shoreline. George, her lifeline and anchor after Denny died, was withdrawing from her into his own world that just didn't include her.

She thought of George marrying Callie now and felt nauseous. How could he? What was he attracted to in that awful woman? The sight of them together made her want to look away from the ick of it all. Ew. Izzie shuddered. She looked around her now. Maybe she needed to consolidate her friendships with Mer and Alex and Shepherd. She couldn't force George to be her friend any more, if he didn't want to be. Izzie crashed inside and the burn of tears flamed the inside of her eyeballs as she let George go. She looked at her hands in her lap so no one would see her heart, already broken, shatter into a million pieces. She breathed shallowly and thanked goodness that their food was brought out and served, distracting everyone.

"Meredith, don't make up your mind yet," Derek said, "You have the rest of this year and even next to decide. Please give the other specialties more of a chance."

"You mean give neurosurgery more of a chance," challenged Sloan, "Plastic surgery just isn't as prestigious as neurosurgery. Right?"

Meredith looked up anxiously at the suddenly tense atmosphere between Shepherd and Sloan.

Before Shepherd could answer Sloan and escalate into outright conflict, Izzie said, "I think Dr. Shepherd is right, Meredith. There is no rush. I know you feel the pressure of everyone else picking specialties, but you don't have to rush. No attending will say no to you. They'll make space for you in their programs because you're destined to be great, you know," Meredith shook her head in denial at Izzie, so she said, "Yes, you are. I mean it, I'm not just saying it."

"Izzie's right, Genie Eyes. Wait awhile and see how you feel at the end of the year. Plus you can talk to Bailey after the intern test and see what she thinks," Alex added.

After that they all settled into their food like the starved interns and surgeons they were. Alex joked with both Izzie and Meredith sardonically about patients they'd had and the girls couldn't help laughing a little. Shepherd and Sloan had to lighten up then, or risk looking churlish. Sloan even thawed enough to start telling stories of his own intern days with Derek. The interns were fascinated at this look at both eminent surgeons.

Derek remained aloof from much of the subsequent chatter and laughter. He watched Mark interact with the others with all his megawatt charm and didn't trust him. Yeah, he was funny and likable when he wanted to be, but Derek struggled with the picture he still had in his head of Mark in bed with his wife. Had Mark changed? Had he learned anything over the past year? Derek knew that both he and Addison had changed and grown a lot. Maybe Mark had too, but was he willing to risk friendship again? Derek missed Mark, he admitted quietly to himself. He missed having adult, male companionship.

Meredith laid her head against his shoulder. He looked down into her eyes and couldn't help but smile at the lovely picture she made. She erased all the other, rancid pictures from his mind. She was special. He caught his breath in gratitude for Meredith in his life. He looked up at Mark and realized if Mark hadn't done what he'd done, Derek never would have met Meredith. Even now he'd still be in a sterile, boring marriage going nowhere. It didn't exonerate Mark. But, it did ease the sting. Derek leaned over to kiss Meredith's cherry lips.

"I love you," he murmured.

"Me too," she whispered back.

"Are they always like that?" asked Sloan of the other two.

"Always," said Alex and Izzie in unison, comfortable with MerDer.

They laughed as Meredith and Derek ignored them and continued gently touching lips and whispering to each other. Sloan watched Derek with his girl and knew something had shifted tonight. It was a small shift for sure, but it was progress. He was grateful Meredith was helping him. Derek was a shade less angry and bitter. Sloan nodded to himself. He'd do whatever he could to encourage the little one's interest in plastics. It would give him a link to Derek that he couldn't ignore.

Sloan looked speculatively at the hot blond intern on his left. She had a magnificent rack, and the rest of her wasn't that bad either. He decided to exert a little effort to charm her, even if she was a pesky intern who was still without privileges, except with Shepherd, at the hospital. Izzie didn't like Sloan much, but his warm charm helped soothe her bruised heart.

o-o-o

"Meredith, I know you said you liked plastics, but I thought you liked neuro too," Derek opened the subject again as they undressed in their bedroom that night. It was really bothering him.

"I do, Derek. I really like neuro. I'll wait, like Izzie said, and make up my mind later. I don't want to upset you Derek, by being around Sloan, but this really has nothing to do with him. It's about me. Okay?"

She laid her hands on his firm chest and felt his strong heart beating into her palms. Meredith stretched up to kiss his lips. She didn't want to worry him, but she owed it to herself to choose a specialty for all the right reasons. She wanted to be careful.

Derek lowered his head and deepened their kiss, turning it into something luscious and flavorful. Gradually he pulled back out of the sweet, humid depths of her mouth and nibbled her bottom lip tenderly.

"Let's make love, pretty girl," Derek entreated.

"Yes, make love to me," Meredith whispered against his hair as he kissed and nibbled his way down her throat and chest.

Derek finished undressing her, sliding her satin undergarments from her slim body, caressing as he went. He let her do the same for him. He needed her tonight. He needed to know she was still his woman. He lay two pillows in the middle of the bed and gestured. Meredith smiled at him and nodded, but first she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him again. She wasn't quite ready.

Derek held Meredith full body, rubbing against her and letting her feel all of him at once. Her senses heated at the fabulous hard feel of his body. She rubbed her face against his chest, loving the hair roughened texture and spicy masculine scent of his skin. Derek caressed his clever surgeon's hands over her back and buttocks, massaging a little. He kissed her hard and felt both their excitement rise, but he knew she wasn't there yet.

He gently seated her on the side of the bed and pushed her to lie back, her feet still resting on the floor. He knelt in front of her and gently parted her legs. He kissed her soft inner thighs making her gasp from both the kisses and the whiskers against her soft skin. He gently asked for entry by kissing higher. She granted it to him by opening her legs, vulnerably giving him total access.

Derek kissed his girl's softest spot lovingly. He loved the taste and smell and feel of her. She was distinctly Meredith. He knew if he kissed her like this, she'd moan. And she did. Then, if he licked and nibbled her soft entry like this she'd moan and thrash in sensitive response. He grinned when she did.

Derek deepened his kisses and licks until Meredith was moaning continuously, writhing against his agile tongue. He flicked her clitoris rapidly. The vibrations mounted in an exquisite rush and Meredith tumbled over her summit, wailing his name. He swiftly rose and covered her, kissing the sounds from her lips.

She pressed against him encouraging him to enter, but he really wanted it differently so he stood and motioned her towards the pillows, urging her to a different position. Meredith groaned and extended a hand to him. He helped her to turn over and crawl up on the bed, lying over the pillows at hers hips.

Derek savored the view a moment before he knelt behind her and mounted her from behind. It was easy to slide inside her moist depths. Meredith moaned and pressed her bottom back against him seeking more of him. Her eyes felt glued shut and she panted into her mattress as he began to pump into her. She clenched handfuls of sheet in both hands. Derek lay over her and kissed her delectable shoulder. He hotly licked the nape of her neck and closed his teeth gently over it, all the while gently pumping into her body, pushing from his knees. She felt so good beneath him.

Derek waited for Meredith's body to slowly build to another peak. He let the sweetness between them coalesce until his body overflowed with it. He filled her soft channel with that sweetness, kissing the side of her face and murmuring his love.

They lay, still linked, for a very long time. Meredith welcomed his warm weight, growing heavier, across her bottom and back, and his warm breath, growing deeper, across her neck and shoulder. The cadence of his breathing indicated how close he was to sleep. She laughed softly.

"Babe, you have to get up. No sleeping on your girlfriend."

"Aw, but I wanna sleep on my Meredith pillow," he snuggled her and gave a little thrust into her body, indicating his attachment to her.

"Pleeease, honey, let me up. I have to go!" she said, knowing he couldn't refuse.

"Aw, okay," he pouted like a boy, and then grinned like the wicked man he was, and gently pulled out, dismounting her, and giving her butt a friendly rub in the process.

They cuddled together until Meredith drifted to sleep. Derek's returning thoughts about Mark Sloan teaching Meredith long term kept him awake longer.

_**I am so sorry for the glitches peeps have had with my story on ff. Hopefully, that has now stopped. Thank you for your patience. Please review, sam **_


	34. Next

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 34: Next **

"That's great, Zach. I'm so happy to hear that... You're making friends so fast! I knew you would... Yes, that's the same school I went to. You'll love it... And has your dad taken you to see the Sistine Chapel yet? ... Okay, I like you a lot, you know? ... Yeah, more than my great grandma's cookie jar. How much do you like me? ... As much as your new computer? That much?! ... Yeah, me too... Talk to you tomorrow, Zach, I'm getting an emergency page," Meredith closed her cell and raced for the Pit. What now?

The ominous air in the Pit should have warned her. Tolliver, the tall, tired, rumpled ER nurse who had become a good friend waved to her as soon as she entered the long hall. His usually implacable ER game face was gone. In its place was an unashamed, worried demeanor.

"We have another one in bay three. That makes three here, two at Mercy West and two at Presbyterian. My God, Dr. Grey. She's just like the other two," Tolliver told her.

Meredith rushed into trauma bay three calling for a report from the ER team. Thirty one year old Sarah Lindsey was beaten and stabbed and raped, just as Myra Dixon and Jenine Callet had been. Meredith's stomach heaved a little. She'd been the intern on duty when the police had questioned both Ms. Dixon and Ms. Callet. She'd had to listen to every detail twice. She ached for the poor woman lying so still on the gurney.

The rapist wasn't stopping. In fact, he was escalating with shorter time periods between victims. This victim had been snatched between the huge software company next door to Seattle Grace and the enormous insurance company to the north. She'd been dumped on the software company grounds against the outer fence. The rapist had called the fire department again. He'd either dumped his victims by a fire department or he called the fire department for each victim. Meredith recognized Detectives Kringle and McXerox (what was her name?), and several firefighters from her firehouse hanging on the edges of the crowd of EMTs, nurses, techs, and ER docs. Most of the crowd were frantically working, but many of them were silent, still onlookers.

Meredith examined Ms. Lindsey and called immediately for a neuro consult. Her head was soft in three places. Knowing Derek would ask for a CT and an OR, Meredith called scheduling and booked emergency spots. The stab wounds to the patient's chest were particularly vicious, but again, were seemingly aimed at disfigurement, rather than murder. They were luckier with Ms. Lindsey than with Ms. Callet. Her blood type was O pos rather than AB neg. Meredith told a tech to call the blood bank and let them know. There were broken bones, but at least she hadn't been thrown from a moving car. Meredith called Sloan for a plastics consult and O'Malley for an ortho consult.

_You are going to survive, _she said silently and fiercely to the petite, once pretty redhead. _And when you do, Sloan will have made sure you don't have horrible scars on your body to match the scars on your psyche. I promise._

Meredith helped the ER doc affix a portable respirator. Then she called Respiratory and warned them what would be needed for surgery. Dr. Shepherd hurried into the bay and quickly examined the patient, all business. He rapped out sharp orders to Meredith and ordered her to accompany the patient into surgery.

Dr. Torres-O'Malley arrived just as Shepherd was leaving. Her new husband of a week and a half trailed behind her, her intern for the day. She quickly examined the patient, confirming that she was going to have to pin her shattered ankle. She'd be able to do the work at the same time Shepherd was operating. O'Malley ordered scans and films added to the ones Shepherd had ordered. Sloan showed up half way through, he also took one look and began ordering his schedule changed. This was going to be a very big surgery.

Meredith focused on her job in the OR with intense concentration. Ms. Lindsey had to live. Tolliver had told her as she was leaving the Pit, that one of the women at Mercy West had died this morning from the blows to her head. The rapist had become a murderer.

"Dr. Shepherd, how does it look?" she asked Derek as he checked to make sure there were no more shattered bone fragments pressing against the woman's brain.

"It looks good. I think that's it... yes, I've got all the fragments out."

Meredith sighed in relief. Ms. Lindsey's vitals were stable and strong. Between them, Drs. O'Malley, Shepherd and Sloan had worked a miracle for a rape victim, again. George and Alex scrubbed out first with O'Malley. They took charge of taking care of the patient in post-op. Meredith ended up scrubbing out last with Shepherd and Sloan. She stayed quiet, listening to Derek and Mark discuss the patient's prognosis.

There was an ease between them that just hadn't been there two weeks ago. Derek had stopped snapping at Mark and was actually initiating brief conversations with him. Mark had wisely let Derek set the pace and neither had mentioned Meredith's choice of surgical specialty. An unspoken truce existed between them that seemed to be easing their way, especially professionally. Meredith thought their healing relationship was progressing nicely, so she was careful to say nothing to Derek. She didn't want to push him perversely in the opposite direction.

"Meredith, I have a late surgery that got pushed back because of the emergency. I'll have to take a late dinner, so I can't eat with you now. I'll page you before I leave for the night," Derek said distractedly, his mind on his delayed surgery.

"Okay. We're still on for two whole days starting tomorrow at your place right, Derek? I'll drive out when I get off in the morning," a wistful note in Meredith's voice stopped Derek for a moment.

"Yes, of course," he swiftly kissed her lips before heading out, his mind obviously on other things.

Meredith felt bereft for a moment, more disturbed by the new rape victim than she cared to admit. Mark dried his arms, perspicaciously examining her face.

"She's going to make it," Mark assured her, cocking his head and regarding her steadily.

"Thanks to you and Derek, Mark," Meredith acknowledged, nodding.

"Derek is starting to forgive me. It's working, Meredith. I owe you," Mark said.

"I didn't do much. I talked to him a couple of times, that's all," Meredith smiled up at the tall plastic surgeon, "But, if you want to pay me back, keep teaching us."

"You and Karev?" Sloan scratched a considering hand over his beard.

"No, all of us. The residents and interns at Seattle Grace," Meredith smirked at him, "You owe me, you said so yourself."

"Damn."

Meredith laughed at Mark's rueful expression. She waved goodbye to him and headed to the dining mall for dinner. She was on her weekly forty eight hour shift. She was on duty until five the next morning. She'd traded a few shifts so that she could have two solid days off with Derek after she got off in the morning. She was really looking forward to nothing but peace and quiet for a few days.

Meredith bought her dinner and joined Cristina and Izzie at their table next to the windows.

"Hey," she said as she set her tray down.

"So how is the new rape victim?" asked Izzie.

Izzie was doing better. George and Callie had come back from Las Vegas, married. They were living together in Callie's flat now, so she only saw George at work, briefly. Shepherd kept her too busy to dwell on anything else. Alex had moved in and, surprisingly, was a good roommate. Meredith had said that if Izzie still objected to Alex as a roomie after six weeks, they'd look for someone else. But, Izzie thought it was going to work out. With George out of the picture, and Guiseppe and Zachary gone, and Izzie working so closely with Shepherd, Meredith and Izzie had grown closer and closer, seeking companionship since both were sad and lonely again. Cristina was forced to let Izzie in, or risk being inadvertently edged out.

"She's going to live. The surgery was amazing. Derek was brilliant. Where were you, Izzie? I thought you'd be in on the surgery."

"Shepherd had me riding herd on all his pre-op and post-op patients that had to be shuffled because of the emergency. After I've eaten, I'm supposed to join him in his next surgery," Izzie explained calmly.

"How's it working out with Shepherd?" Yang asked curiously, "Has he said anything yet about letting you get your privileges back so you can work with other surgeons?"

"Not yet, but it hasn't been very long. What about you? Have you decided to put Burke out of his misery?" Izzie raised an inquiring brow, her pretty face mischievous.

"Izzie!" Cristina looked around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear.

"Well, have you?" asked Meredith, pointedly, with the same mischievous look, "It's been weeks. How long do you plan on stalling, Cristina?"

"Burke... marriage... he...," Cristina tried to form a coherent sentence without much luck.

Her friends snickered amusedly.

"Still stammering, Cristina? Come on, Izzie and I want to help you plan a totally dark and twisty wedding. We are three dark and twisty females. Just imagine the havoc we can wreck with a wedding," Meredith teased.

"Yeah, we'll start with a black Vera Wang wedding gown and an eight pm Friday night wedding time. You'll look fabulously chic and outclass every other bride I've ever known," added Izzie impishly.

"Seriously, Cristina," Meredith said when Cristina looked nauseous, "you love Burke. What's the problem now?"

"I... don't believe in marriage. I never have, and Burke... he's into the whole traditional thing. His mother is already planning on altering my medical specialty from surgery to obstetrics or gynecology! Stop laughing! It isn't funny," Cristina almost wailed. Her nerves were stretched to the limit by the unrelenting pressure Burke had brought to bear on her over the last few weeks, "Damn it, three days ago, Burke told my mother he'd asked me to marry him. I haven't had a moment's peace since."

Her friends laughed harder.

"Don't worry, Cristina, I know a totally dark and twisty way to deal with Mama Burke and Mother Beverly Hills," Meredith condescendingly patted her BFF on the shoulder.

"What? What?!" Cristina demanded desperately.

"We invite my mother and Izzie's mother to help entertain them. Think about it! They'll be completely occupied. Ellis will be switching them back and forth in time every few minutes and asking who they are repeatedly. She'll screech nastily when she doesn't get her way," Meredith toasted Izzie, "Cherie Stevens, who could be a Playboy bunny, for heavens sake, and who looks like she was three when Izzie was born, will scandalize them with her amazing bosom and platinum Dolly Parton hair."

Izzie laughed at the accurate, good natured description of her model pretty, young mom.

"I see your plan," Iz said to Mer, "Occupy the moms with more moms. Fight fire with fire. I love it. They'll be so busy criticizing mom and Ellis, and me and Meredith, they'll leave you alone. See?" she said to Cristina, "Our Addams family plans are already coming together, Morticia."

"You two are a riot. Ha, ha, ha," Cristina said sarcastically, dreading what was coming and seeing no way out.

She loved Burke. They were two very different people, but they had something special between them. At first she'd thought they were exactly alike. But a couple weeks of living with Burke had shown her the error of that thinking. He was neat. She was sloppy. He was a gourmet cook. She was a big spender at every take out restaurant in town. He was methodical with people, as well as with work. She was haphazard with people, and methodical only at work. He believed in marriage and God and family values, whatever that was. She believed in privacy, medicine and birth control.

What was she supposed to do? How could she meet Burke's needs as well as her own? Should she go ahead and marry him? What exactly did that even mean? Cristina sighed. She knew Burke would leave her if she didn't marry him. Typical masculine blackmail. She was going to have to go through with a meaningless ceremony just to placate him. She certainly didn't want to have children, and legitimacy was the only reason she could see to marry. Now she was going to have to recalibrate her life plans again. It disturbed her in a very strange way. She hadn't planned for a man like Burke.

"Okay, I've decided. I'll do it. I'll marry him," Cristina said in funereal tones.

"Da da dum, da da dum," Izzie gently mocked her with _Taps_.

"Cristina! Good for you. I'm so happy for you. We'll make it fun for you, you'll see," Meredith really was happy for her BFF.

Cristina and Burke loved each other. If they could just be a little less rigid with each other they'd make a wonderful couple. She and Derek were going to have to invite them out to celebrate the engagement.

"When are you going to tell Burke?" Meredith asked.

"I'll... I'll tell him... tomorrow. Yeah... when we get off work. I'll tell him and then I'll leave. He'll be here working, and I'll go home to sleep," Cristina stuttered again.

Meredith and Izzie couldn't help exchanging glances and laughing again. Cristina was truly freaked. They couldn't remember ever seeing her so unnerved.

Relenting, Meredith said, "I'm here for you, Cristina, however you need me to be here for you."

Two trays clanked down on the table. Alex and George scraped back chairs and joined the girls.

"Hey, guys," Meredith said.

Izzie and Cristina both waved a fork as they chewed lettuce. George looked pale and drained again. Alex had speculated yesterday that he was drained every night by his vampiress wife. He said they should look for bite marks. Izzie and Meredith couldn't help looking more closely at George's throat. Alex smirked at them knowingly, and the three of them laughed. Cristina glared, and George glowered sourly, starting to speak and then snapping his mouth shut.

"Glad to see married life agrees with you, baby boy," Alex said sardonically, "See what you have to look forward to, Yang?"

"Oh, Alex, don't start," Izzie said as Cristina dropped her fork and sat back, freaked again, "It took us forever to get her settled."

"I need to tell you," George said slowly, deliberately, "Callie and I are going to have a baby. In seven months."

"George!"

"What?!"

"Congratulations, George!"

"A baby... that's why... oh."


	35. Home is Where Derek Is

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 35: Home is Where Derek Is**

Dr. Webber, and other Chiefs all over the hospital, had already coordinated with the police to set up safety awareness clinics for all personnel in the hospital, especially since the rapist was choosing victims in areas near Seattle Grace. With this latest victim, fear escalated, and so did the attendance in the clinics. Meredith and all her friends had already attended one. Bailey had ordered them all to attend, including the men, at the first opportunity.

Meredith sat with Sarah Lindsey, after her surgery, waiting for her to wake up. Once again there was a real chance she never would. Meredith had already rounded on all her patients. She just had charts to update now, so she sat next to Sarah, writing. Every now and then she glanced up and talked to Sarah. Cristina made fun of her, but Meredith thought patients could hear on some level when they were unconscious or in coma. If she was wrong, no harm. If she was right then she had reassured Sarah a hundred times and possibly helped her return to consciousness.

It was almost two in the morning when Sarah opened her pretty blue eyes and looked dazedly at Meredith. Ms. Tomlin, Sarah's mother, burst out crying as she held her daughter's bruised hand. Mr. Tomlin, Sarah's father, had just gone home to rest, so he could sit with Sarah during the day shift. Her husband, Jerry Lindsey, walked in with two cups of coffee, just at that moment. He stopped in relieved shock just inside the room when he saw his wife's eyes open, then rushed to her side. Fear appeared in Sarah's eyes from the sudden movement.

"Hello," Meredith said softly to Ms. Lindsey, "I'm Dr. Grey. You're safe now. You're in Seattle Grace hospital. Your mom and your husband are here with you. You're safe."

Meredith called for a neuro consult immediately. The police were champing at the bit to interview this woman, but they had to wait until she was cleared. Meredith called Detective Kringle to notify him that her patient was awake. His voice as he acknowledged her was clear and alert even though she'd roused him from his bed.

Seventh year resident, Dr. Adelmann was on call for neuro. He was a short, fat man with an eagle eye and a pair of the finest, most delicate, surgical hands Meredith had ever seen. His voice was soft and melodious as he examined Ms. Lindsey. The fear in her eyes left quickly at her doctor's soft, calm manner. Dr. Adelmann cleared Ms. Lindsey for the police interview and then signaled Dr. Grey into the hallway for private instructions about meds, treatment and the police.

"Yes, sir," Meredith said, nodding respectfully as she jotted down every instruction.

She sat at the nurse's station just outside Ms. Lindsey's room and finished her reports. She ushered Mr. Lindsey and Ms. Tomlin out of Sarah's room when the police arrived and directed them to the cafeteria. As soon as the police finished their interview, she was going to find a bed.

Dr. Grey turned to Detective Kringle and his mannish partner, and said, "The same parameters as last time, detectives. Her condition is slightly more fragile than the the last victim's when you interviewed her, so please take it easy."

The detectives just stared hollow eyed at Grey. They'd already interviewed six women. This was the seventh horror story they had to listen to in the hopes that some detail would help them catch this pervert who was terrorizing their city. One woman was now dead, so the criminal was upgraded to a murderer. They would do anything they had to do to catch him, including leaning on the latest victim. They couldn't help this victim, so they had to catch the rapist-murderer before he struck again.

Meredith listened carefully to Sarah's halting recounting of the attack. It was the same story again. She'd heard it twice before. The attacker came from the back right. He stabbed and incapacitated first, then transported, raped, stabbed again and violently knocked his victims out last.

Meredith shivered at the horrible details as she stood within earshot in the hallway ready to protect her patient if need be. The detectives tiredly shuffled out of Sarah's room at the end of their exhaustive interrogation. Their faces were cold and inscrutable to Meredith. She wondered distractedly how close they were to catching the rapist.

Meredith nodded goodbye to the detectives and went into Sarah's room to check on her. The woman was already very close to sleep again from all the meds and the tiring questioning. Her face was tracked with tears. Ms. Lindsey clung to Meredith's hand as she fell asleep. All Meredith could do was be grateful it was a natural sleep this time.

After the woman's family came back Meredith headed for an on-call room for a few hours of sleep. She found an empty bed and let Ms. Lindsey's words run through her mind again as she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. From now on she was going to have to carry her mace in her hand when she crossed the parking lot. Meredith tossed and turned until she finally drifted off.

o-o-o

Meredith tiredly hefted her small duffel bag over her narrow shoulder as she headed out the door. She made herself look up and all around cautiously as her sensei had taught Alex and herself after the Race. She had her mace in her left hand and her keys in her right. She heard footsteps closing behind her and whirled, poised to spray.

Derek held up both hands, startled, and said, "It's me, Meredith. I'm sorry for scaring you, I should have called out."

"Derek! What are you doing here? You weren't on call, were you?" Meredith clutched her mace to her racing heart.

"I didn't feel good about you driving out alone, tired after the forty eight, so I came to pick you up. I just went in for a minute to check on Ms. Lindsey and ended up almost missing you. I'm sorry, pretty girl," Derek said again contritely.

Meredith went up on tiptoe to kiss him, "Well, I'm glad you're here. Thank you. You get major boyfriend points for driving all this way to pick me up. But, it really wasn't necessary, Derek, I'm fine. I slept last night."

"It _was_ necessary. I was worried about you, and I wanted to keep you safe," Derek took her duffel and held his hand out to her.

They transferred Meredith's weekender bag into Derek's car from hers and headed for the ferry. The lines weren't too long as the main traffic was coming in to the city, rather than out, at this time of day. They parked in line and locked the car. Meredith slid her arm around Derek's lean waist under his open jacket as they strolled along the water to a tiny twenty four hour breakfast restaurant a block away from the dock. Derek rested his arm across her shoulders and leaned down to kiss her temple, inhaling her sweet scent.

He'd missed her last night. He just didn't sleep well without her anymore. He loved her little tush snuggled into his lap, and his arms full of his hot woman while he slept. He'd fitfully slept until about three and then he just couldn't stop thinking of her walking out of the hospital in the dark with a horrible serial rapist on the loose. He'd actually driven all the way around the long way since the ferryboats weren't running yet. Besides missing her and worrying, he had a surprise for Meredith, and he wanted to be with her when she saw it.

"It's going to be so nice to have two whole days off with you," Meredith said as she slid tiredly into a booth.

They chatted over a leisurely breakfast catching up on each other's day and night. It was easy and peaceful. Their relationship was deepening and evening out. They'd handled crises and relatives on both sides. They'd worked together and played together. They shared space and beds and friends, both hers and his. Already deeply in love, Meredith was relaxing day by day as trust grew between Derek and herself. The more secure she felt, the closer Derek felt to her in every respect. That made him feel secure. He was happier now, both professionally and personally, than he had been in over twelve years. When Meredith teased him, smiling over her hot tea, he teased her back by imperiously ordering her back to the car.

"Hey, you aren't the boss of me!" she protested as he hustled her across the street.

"Oh, yeah?" he arched a superior eyebrow at her.

"Well, okay, yeah, you _are_ the boss of me, but ... you know what I mean!"

Derek just laughed and tugged a lock of her dark honey hair. He hoped Meredith was ready for this next step. He knew he was. He'd deliberately dragged his feet during his reconciliation with Addison, but now, with Meredith, he felt like he couldn't move fast enough.

They crossed on the ferry to his place, opting for whale watching and strolling the cold, windy decks rather than waiting out the crossing inside the passenger cabin. Both of them loved the view of the early morning ocean and the taste of the salty breeze. They shared a peaceful silence, broken only when Derek spotted an orca.

As they approached Derek's place in the woods, Meredith realized that Derek was getting more and more wound up. He leaned forward and tapped the steering wheel, talking faster and louder, which was very unusual for him. He diverted her every time she asked what was up. Finally, he sat back in his seat and slowed so she could see it all unfold.

"Oh my God, Derek! You did it!" Meredith exclaimed as they drove over a rise and she saw the heavy equipment parked to the side, "Why didn't you tell me? Look how far they've built already!"

"That's just the guest cabin. The main house is further in, remember? Since the guest house is much smaller I decided to build it first and make it functional to live in while we finalized all the details on the main house. Even though the cabin is small it's still way bigger than the Gulfstream. We can move in there maybe next week when we come out," Derek said, pleased with her response, "With all we've had to deal with between Guiseppe, Zachary, and the hospital in town, there wasn't really a good time to talk about this. But, since we were kept in town and were out of the way, it seemed like the perfect time to break ground out here, so I gave the go ahead," Derek smiled at her, "I wanted to surprise you."

"Oh Derek, I've wondered when you were going to build a house. The trailer is okay as a stopgap while you made plans, but you needed a real home out here."

Meredith gazed around in awe when Derek stopped the car and she was able to get out and explore for herself. The cabin and the main house would both face the lake. The main house was on a small rise and would be two stories when complete. Derek had had dead trees removed and a few smaller, scrubby trees cleared. He'd also cleared quite a bit of brush, so the sweep from the house to the lake was unobstructed. The rest of the area was left _au naturel_. Right now, Meredith could see the foundation and the beginning framing already in place.

"_We_ need a real home out here, Meredith," Derek said with emphasis, taking her hand and pulling her around to face him.

He leaned down and kissed her soft, surprised lips gently, but thoroughly.

"We're a couple, Meredith. We're together. We've been living together unofficially since your appendectomy. Please, my pretty girl, help me make a home here. Live with me officially," Derek looked into Meredith's eyes, wondering if he should stop here or push her further. He wanted it all, and his nature made him want to push, but Meredith generally did better when he took things one step at a time, even if they were out of sequence, like getting a house before the ring.

Meredith gazed up into Derek's midnight blue eyes, her emotions transparent on her face, "I adore you. We are a couple. I'm not going to freak out, so don't look so worried...," Mer paused while Derek held his breath, "Yes... I live where you live."

Derek hugged her tightly to his chest, exhaling a relieved sigh. He didn't know why he'd sweated that hurtle so much. He knew Meredith loved him. He knew she was committed to their relationship. So, all he had to do was be patient and take it a step at a time. He kissed the top of her dark honey blond head, brushing his face on her soft hair, gratefully.

"I have the plans I've been working on, off and on, since I moved to Seattle. I thought you and I could go over them while we're off duty, and make any modifications, eliminations, or additions you want. I want it to be your home as much as mine. I want you to have exactly what you want, okay?" Derek said.

He'd actually been planning the house with Meredith in mind since he'd met her. It was why he'd tabled the plans and ignored them during his five month reconciliation with his ex, even though she'd complained constantly and bitterly about the trailer. Derek just hadn't been able to turn Meredith's house over to Addison. If by some miracle they had managed to revive their marriage he had planned on totally scrapping these plans and just building a fishing lodge here, so Addison could have her condo in the city.

"Oh, Derek, this is going to be such fun, making the house together. Wow, they already completed your new dock! And boathouse! Your builders moved fast! Oh, honey, it's a wonderful surprise," Meredith threw her arms around Derek, "It's going to be fabulous, I know it. Can we look at the plans now?"

"You're not too tired? I thought you'd want to sleep first."

"No, babe, I'm too excited. Let's nap later. Show me the blueprints and let's finalize as much as we can. I can't wait for the house to be finished. It is going to be so wonderful here with this view," Meredith eagerly tugged Derek towards the trailer.

He laughed and let her pull him after her. She'd lit up when she'd seen the construction. She'd accepted that he'd started it without consulting her as the best for both of them. He hadn't done it to insult Mer or leave her out. Addison would have thrown a fit on general principles. Derek was relieved that he didn't have to walk such a straight and narrow path in his relationship with Meredith.

They settled on the same side of their tiny table in the trailer with the plans for the cabin in front of them. Facing the lake, it was to the left and rear of the main house, where it's presence was unobtrusive. It had three small bedrooms, two baths, a small full kitchen, a dining nook with a view over the lake, and a decent sized living room. Derek had ordered the floors all in a beautiful caramel blond tile so there would be easy maintenance with long durability.

"Meredith, I don't know that much about decorating. So, either you can tell me what you want and I'll do it, or if you don't have the time, I can hire someone to decorate for us," Derek hesitantly said, unsure what would be best for them both. He didn't want Meredith exhausted with what could turn into a huge job.

"Don't worry, that part is the fun part. I don't like rusty brick red or maroon, but I like all other colors. You?" Meredith asked, smiling at him.

"I'm not fond of mustard yellows or that weird yellow green all the women wear today, you know," Derek said, guy like.

"Chartreuse? Check. No mustard or chartreuse. How about doing the cabin in hunter green and caramel with all the main accents done in gold? We can add different accent colors to each bedroom and do a combination in the living room. Both guys and girls would feel comfortable in it. What do you think?" Meredith looked brightly at Derek, but her body was drooping with fatigue. She'd clearly had enough, no matter what she said.

"I think that would be fine. Besides, if we paint and you don't like it we can change it, it's an easy redo," Derek said practically, "Let's take a nap. You're done in and I'm tired too."

He knew he was right when she didn't resist but just started to pull off her clothes, getting ready for bed. He let her pile pillows and twist and turn like a petite cat, like she always did when settling to sleep, before he joined her. Derek turned on his side and draped an arm over his girl. She pressed her cold feet to his leg and he smiled. He must be in love, he thought. Even her cold feet were welcome to him. He scooted closer and sighed. She was already asleep. Holding her, everything finally felt right with his world. He easily drifted into a deep sleep himself.


	36. Day Off

Dreams of Love

Chapter 36: Day Off

"Hey you," Meredith smiled, but didn't open her eyes, as she greeted her lover snuggling his head under the sheets to kiss and suck the tip of her breast.

She giggled when Derek nibbled her nipple and then delicately nursed from it. Meredith stretched herself awake, raising her arms over her head as sweet little thrills rained from her breast to her woman's cleft from Derek's suckling mouth. She brushed the covers aside and threaded her hand through Derek's thick silky hair, holding his head firmly in place. His warm, hard body pressed down the length of hers. Mm, his satin smooth skin over hard muscle felt wonderful.

"Mm, hi, pretty girl," he said against her breast, "You slept hard, baby, wanna play hard now?"

Derek slid down kissing and nibbling her tummy as he went, sure of his welcome. He grinned against her belly as Meredith giggled again. Derek loved that sweet sound. Meredith had a lovely laugh. He swirled his tongue into her navel and played with her gold and amber dangling belly ring. She fisted both hands in his gorgeous hair, encouraging him. Meredith stroked his hair and shoulders, loving the feel of him. She stretched her leg and curved it around his back, sliding her soft skin up and down, along his hard muscles in a caress.

Meredith moaned in pleasure as Derek kissed lower and lower, until, finally, he kissed his way through the petals of her sex. She couldn't help squirming in delight, lifting herself towards his sipping lips. Meredith's long eyelashes fluttered as she tossed her head from side to side, climbing in ecstasy. Suddenly she fell over her screaming peak into a deep well of satisfaction. Her body shuddered over and over. Meredith blindly reached to hold her lover. He climbed up her body, into her welcoming arms, and kissed her throat gently.

"Derek, I love you so much," Meredith murmured breathlessly to her tender man.

She put her feet flat on the bed and spread her knees. She reached between them and guided his hard shaft to her soft opening, more than ready for his penetration. Derek eagerly pressed in and stopped when he was seated to the hilt. They hummed moans together at the delicious sensation.

"I love you, too," he whispered throaty and low back to her, looking into her shiny green eyes.

He covered her mouth in a beautiful kiss just as he withdrew to plunge again. Meredith, body and soul, welcomed his familiar weight and lovemaking with pure joy. She rose to meet each of his thrusts, a full partner in love. She caressed her palms over his smooth, muscular back, thrilling to the feel of her man's strong body filling hers. Derek was finally forced to stop kissing her just so they could both catch a breath, but then Meredith demanded his lips again. She sucked his bottom lip between her teeth and sipped at it the way he had sipped at her most tender spot. Derek shuddered at the exquisite sensation. His testicles tightened, his body bowed and he ejaculated hard into her depths. In response, Meredith orgasmed again, losing herself as he lost himself, becoming a we instead of a me, cementing their bond further.

Derek groaned in complete release again and shifted until he could roll on his back, taking her over with him. Mer sprawled happily across his chest, her hair a soft, dark honey flag over his shoulder and upper arm. He closed his eyes and cuddled her warm, soft weight in his arms, fulfilled, ready to drift back to sleep again. He smiled instead, when he felt her tickle his side and ribs.

"No sleeping, lazy," Meredith kissed Derek's chest and then his throat, nipping him, "Let's go for a walk. I need the woods and the lake after this past week at the hospital. C'mon, don't be a sissy... ah! Derek!" Meredith squealed as Derek tickled her mercilessly in retaliation.

They rolled back and forth, destroying their bed as they wrestled and tickled each other, neither wanting to give up first.

Finally, Meredith sat on Derek and hastily declared before he rolled her off, "You're pinned! I win!"

"Oh yeah? What do you win, girlfriend? What do I lose?" Derek asked as he reached for her again.

"First dibs on the shower, boyfriend!"

She laughed merrily as she leaped nimbly to her feet, evaded his grasp, and ducked into the tiny shower stall. She laughed again delightedly, when Derek insistently squeezed in behind her. He lathered her breasts and tummy, sliding his hands through the foam and nibbling at the rim of her ear.

"I think I win too, pretty girl," Derek murmured, rubbing against her.

"Ooh, I think so," Meredith replied, smiling.

She turned in his arms soaping his whole front side as she rubbed against him. Meredith hugged Derek, rubbing her soapy hands over his back and shoulders, in the tight space. Derek sudsed her back in return, hugging her too. Meredith slithered down his body washing as she went. By the time she washed his high arched feet, something else was demanding her full attention.

Derek rinsed his upstanding shaft and turned off the water. There just wasn't enough hot water to leave it running. After a year in the trailer and Meredith's home, he was looking forward to unlimited hot water in the new house. He grinned now when Meredith instantly took advantage of her position and sucked him into her mouth. The shower was so small he could lean back against one wall and brace his feet in opposite corners while he cradled Meredith's head in his hands. She sucked rhythmically, making him heat fast. He gritted his teeth, hissing his approval to her. Meredith paused, breathing hard around his heavy organ, watching his face. Derek moaned at the thrills her breath and tongue gave him. He collapsed back, feeling his knees grow weak, and gave himself totally up to her loving ministrations. Meredith loved his rapturous release. She felt tears form in her eyes at bringing him such pleasure. Derek was beyond precious to her.

Derek lifted Meredith up into his arms and turned the warm water back on. Meredith nuzzled into Derek's lightly hair roughened chest, calming her overwrought emotions, while Derek held her tightly, swaying. Gradually, Meredith's body relaxed against Derek. When she lay quiescently against his chest, Derek murmured softly to her how much she meant to him and how wonderful he thought she was. Lots of times their lovemaking happened when they were terribly tired or had to rush to work. They missed the soft words and reassurances that most lovers take for granted. Derek made up for it now.

The water was limited and chilled too quickly so they stepped out of the shower reluctantly. It had enclosed them in a magical place for a short time. But after dressing and stepping outside, they realized they were still in a magical bubble of space and time. They were together, alone, with no demands from family, friends, patients, or superiors. They were in the San Juan islands, one of the most beautiful spots in the Seattle area. The weather was cooperating with no drizzle even though the clouds were low and dim grey.

"Come on," Derek held his hand out for hers.

Meredith grinned. She felt like a real couple when they walked together, Derek absently swinging her hand in his. She breathed in the rain washed air and listened to all the birds twittering in the woods. Stress and lingering fatigue drained away from both of them, as they walked towards a little settlement on a finger of land dipping into Derek's land, about four miles away. There was a combination newstand/ coffee shop there where they could stop for refreshments and warming up before heading back. It was easy and peaceful and fulfilling too. Meredith was still surprised at how much this kind of time with Derek filled her heart and soul. It helped cushion her against the vagaries and harshness of her profession. It made internship way easier. She didn't know it yet, but what she was experiencing was what happily married people everywhere felt. It was a perk of true soul marriage.

Meredith had already told Derek about George and Callie O'Malley's new addition, and the latest on Cristina Yang's marriage battle with Burke. She asked him if he could tell her about his plans for Izzie. He gave her what he could, but it wasn't much. He asked her a liittle hesitantly about Sloan and her work with him. Meredith eagerly told him about all the skin grafting they'd done. It had been incredible. Her eyes glistened as she excitedly told him every detail. Derek watched her, nodding occasionally, resigning himself a little more to the possibility that Meredith really would enter Plastics. It would be alright, he supposed. They'd need some time apart, maybe. He laughed at himself for wanting her with him every minute. He felt like a smitten fourteen year old, for heaven's sake.

After they got home, they walked through all the new construction. Derek shared with Meredith everything he'd already planned. She trailed through the rooms, noticing that he'd taken advantage of the fabulous views everywhere he could. Looking at the plans, she asked for either bigger closets or more closets on both floors for the main house, and a mud room off the kitchen for all the wet entries people were forced to make in Seattle. Meredith blushed when she realized he'd planned a nursery. That was too far down the unknown road for her.

"I know I'm anticipating, Meredith, but I figure we'll build the nursery now, and then when we're ready to have children, it's there," Derek said, "I'm thirty eight, so I really don't want to wait longer than two years. By then you'll have a huge amount of the hardest part of your residency done, and I will have accrued quite a bit of vacation time. Plus, I'll have been at Grace long enough to get paternity leave. I don't expect you to be the primary caregiver, we'll share. I know it's a little scary talking about all this but we have time. Think about it, okay?"

Meredith looked from his face to the plans and back. Her gut was churning with uncertainty, but her heart was committed. She wanted a life with Derek. He was right. She thought she might be ready in two years or so. It had scared her to death at first to take care of Zachary, but in the end she'd been ready to fight to keep him. The experience with her brother had healed her fear that she'd be a parent like her mother or father. She wouldn't. She saw that now. With Derek at her side, she knew she could be a good parent. She also had Guiseppe and Michele and Vincenzo. They'd taught her how to love a child unconditionally, unlike Ellis or Thatcher. Tears sprang to Meredith's eyes again when she glanced once again at the blueprints and saw a room labeled 'Zach's room'. Derek had grown to love and accept Zachary too and was making a place for him the way he'd made a place for Meredith. She flew into his arms, tears running down her face. She hugged him tight around his middle, sniffling.

"Meredith? Don't cry. We don't have to have kids if you don't want them. I have plenty with work and you," Derek said truthfully, but a little sadly. He'd always wanted kids, but in his first marriage they'd never been an option. It looked like they still weren't. He wasn't about to insist. Children should be wanted by both parents in his opinion.

"No, silly... I mean yes... yes, I'll have a baby with you," Meredith gulped, swiping at her nose, "I'm just tired and emotional, that's all. Big steps ahead."

"Really?!" Derek held her face so he could tilt her head back and examine her face, "Really, pretty girl?"

"Of course," Meredith said, her lashes fanning her cheeks, "I love you."

Derek hugged her close. She'd said yes! Meredith had said yes to the living with him, the house, and the nursery! He'd pushed enough for now, but soon...

_**Rather than wait for the next section to be finished I'm posting this scene as a chapter even though I usually would wait until I'd written another scene or two to fill out the length. My husband suggested it. If you would rather I wait in future for longer updates, like I usually write, let me know, please. samantha**_


	37. Dark and Twisty

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 37: Dark and Twisty**

"Quit it!" growled Cristina.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"That! Smiling. It's creepy. I need the old dark and twisty Meredith," Cristina moaned sourly, tying her scrubs.

"Derek asked me to live with him officially, Cristina. We're building a home by his lake."

Meredith glanced in the mirror as she pulled up her scrub pants. She did have a completely annoying, relaxed, happy look on her face from two days off with Derek, spent planning the revisions and decorations of their new home. Cristina's black curls were extra frizzy and all over her head, a sure sign that she was, caps lock, GRUMPY. Meredith made an effort to at least look less bright and shiny for her person.

"What did Burke do now?" Meredith asked, knowing it had to be the 'M' word – or was that the 'W' word now?

"Burke told his _Mama,_" she spat the word, "_and_ my mother that I said 'yes' – on the same day! I didn't even get a half day off! They're both still hounding me, only now it's not about the proposal, it's about the wedding! ... _Wedding!_ Ugh! Cake and colors and registering for gifts! No blood anywhere," Cristina grimaced, and then whined irascibly, as they both donned white coats and electronic leashes, "I_ need_ a good surgery today, Mer."

"Cristina, maybe you should just tell Burke that you'll marry him, but you don't want a wedding," Meredith said practically, "You can be married in a judge's chambers or something."

Lockers slammed all over the intern locker room as doctors rushed out for morning rounds.

"I did! Then _Mama _sank her teeth into _Preston,_" she said bitterly, "and Burke has ignored me ever since. I don't want a big wedding – it's out of control!"

"Cristina, you didn't want a wedding at all," Meredith reminded her darkly.

Cristina glared, "Thanks, Mer, thanks for that reminder."

Meredith gave a half shrug and then chuckled, "Burke – a Mama's boy – who knew?"

"Shut up, Meredith," Cristina wadded her frizzy curls in a clip on the back of her head and looked daggers at Mer.

They rushed in unison for Bailey's group by the main nurses' station. Alex was going over a chart with Bailey, while Izzie tried to talk to George again. His face was hard and his mouth down turned. He brushed Izzie away, preoccupied with his own mess and unable to deal with her codependency or even her friendship. Both hurt right now. He needed to be alone, but Izzie took it personally. She couldn't see that his need was about George. It wasn't about her or them. All she knew was that her friendship was sinking far away from the shore and there was nothing to hang onto.

George unhappily looked away from Izzie. He knew Callie was happy, and the happier she acted the more trapped George felt. He resented her happiness deeply. Did he love Callie? Maybe. He hadn't had enough time to feel it, if he did. But he was an O'Malley man and his father _had_ loved Callie. George's dad would have expected George to do the right thing by Callie and the baby. So he had... the right thing. He was a husband and father on top of a surgical intern. His depression deepened and hardened. It was a struggle to think straight.

As Yang and Grey joined them, they heard Izzie say, "George, I'm your friend. You can talk to me about the baby... or Callie."

When everyone just stared at Izzie with raised eyebrows she said, defensively, "Okay, it's true, I haven't been supportive before about Callie..."

Izzie flushed under everyone's continuing stares, "Okay, I've been horrible, alright?! But, I'm over that now... really."

George sighed, "Izzie, if you are my friend, mind your own business for once, okay?"

He turned away to follow Bailey, leaving Izzie, white faced and crushed, in the uncomfortable silence behind him. Then everyone rushed after Bailey. Izzie painfully made herself follow.

_Okay, George, I'll leave you alone,_ Izzie silently promised her erstwhile best friend.

To Izzie 'best friend' meant 'I'm all up in your business and you're all up in mine'. What she'd just heard George say was that he was no longer a friend, let alone her best friend. She'd tried to be his friend every way she knew. The last thread tying her to George broke and Izzie was adrift in a sea of loneliness, grief over her loss of George stirring up grief over Denny, the two blending until she could no longer tell one from the other. Izzie followed the group, drenched in sorrow, trying to keep her chin up.

They rounded on one of Dr. Shepherd's patients and Bailey asked Stevens to report. Mechanically, Izzie opened her notebook and began reciting. Like Meredith, she'd had plenty of practice working while grieving. She only faltered once when she looked up and saw Meredith's face as Mer glanced between Izzie and George.

Meredith knew that the crack between Izzie and George had just widened, perhaps irreparably, and it saddened her. Izzie and George had been her surrogate siblings when Derek had ditched her. They'd helped her so much just by being there. Now they were breaking apart. She started out of her thoughts when her pager shrilled with a 911 code to the Pit.

"You're not on call to the Pit, Grey, what ... go!" Bailey caught herself and waved Grey away, "And make sure I know what this is all about later."

Meredith ran through the halls towards the Pit, wondering why she'd been paged. She and Burke both slid to a halt in front of the emergency doors at the same time. They glanced at each other and then pushed through, looking for their patient. Nurse Tolliver, a tall, big man with perpetually tired eyes and rumpled brown scrubs, waved them into trauma bay three. Chief Webber was there ahead of them. Meredith stopped abruptly in her tracks and Burke ran into her from behind, knocking her forward into an instrument tray.

"Grey!" he sharply exclaimed as he caught his balance, and then her elbow to haul her back upright.

Meredith ignored Burke's scowl, focused only on the slight, dark honey haired woman on the gurney.

"Mom?" Meredith queried unsteadily, and Burke looked up in surprise, followed by a certain resigned comprehension.

"What's happened now?" Meredith asked the nursing home attendant, "Is it the diverticulitis again?"

Then, glancing at Burke, she answered herself before anyone else could, "No, you wouldn't have called Dr. Burke for that. What's wrong with her heart?"

Meredith looked anxiously at the Chief then at Burke as he examined Ellis.

"Meredith, don't make a fuss, it's nothing," Ellis Grey looked directly at Meredith in her old pre-Alzheimer's critical fashion.

For a moment Meredith was disconcerted, then she said, "Hi Mom, I'm sure you're right," offhandedly, before she anxiously looked at Burke again.

"Dr. Grey," said the Chief, drawing her attention, but was interrupted by Ellis Grey's acerbic voice.

"Richard, do you know how surreal it sounds to have you call my screw-up daughter, 'doctor'? I just can't believe it. One moment we're fighting over her gallivanting all over Europe with her loser friends, and the next she's a doctor, a surgical intern, no less," Ellis said, both ignoring Meredith and deliberately piercing her with words and a look aimed at her through a third party.

It had been one of Ellis Grey's favorite tricks to intimidate and cut her daughter down to size throughout the years – that and the backhanded compliment. Meredith stared at her mother and then at Webber. A sharp stab of anxiety made her swallow rapidly and press a hand to her backflipping gut. If she didn't know better, she would think her mom was lucid. But... she knew better... she had five terribly difficult years of diseased dementia to know better.

"Still not very swift on the uptake, are you? I would have thought four years of medical school would have sharpened your wits a little, Meredith," said Ellis sarcastically.

"Dr. Grey, your mother is lucid. It's very rare for an Alzheimer's patient to have a lucid day, but it does happen," the Chief took mercy on Meredith, and calmed Ellis with a hand on her shoulder, "It's a gift."

Meredith's mouth dropped open as she fought for control of her swirling emotions, runaway thoughts, and transparent expression. It was happening again. Another huge familial tsunami gathered strength and raced towards her across an ocean of loneliness and pain. Tolliver, who'd been assisting Dr. Burke, stepped behind Dr. Grey and laid a large supportive hand on the small of her back, concerned for his favorite intern.

"She woke up this morning lucid, doctors," said the nursing home attendant to Dr. Burke and Meredith, "She doesn't remember the last five years, so when we explained her situation to her, Dr. Grey became very agitated, grabbed her chest, and collapsed."

The Chief, gently stroking Ellis Grey's hand, said again, "She's lucid, Meredith. It's a gift, but there's no telling how long it'll last. Burke?"

While the Chief and Burke spoke, Ellis turned piercing, completely present eyes onto Meredith. Mer pressed a hand to her belly again as she absorbed the gut punch of Ellis Grey. She'd wanted this for five long years, a second chance with her mother. All the things she'd dreamed of saying to her mom, if they ever found a cure, jumbled inanely in her head.

The last few years before her mother's diagnosis had been fraught with bitterness and outright fights over Meredith's so called dilettante choice of playing the piano. Even though her undergraduate grades were top notch, Ellis resented the time she spent on music. Her acceptance into Juilliard's graduate music program rivaled her acceptance into Dartmouth's medical school. There had been absolutely no contest in Ellis' mind. When Meredith had elected to take Master's piano classes in Europe the summer before both programs would start, Ellis had gone ballistic.

"I never should have let Thatcher teach you how to play the piano. It's ruined you! And then Guiseppe finished the job, filling your head with all kinds of ideas about being a concert pianist!" Ellis' voice had dripped vitriol and her eyes had blazed disgust, "You have always been a disappointment to me, Meredith, why should this be any different?"

Meredith had gasped as Ellis mentioned both her fathers in one breath when she'd made it a habit to never speak of either one. The harsh condemnation of herself was normal for Ellis, so Mer had hardly flinched over that. Ellis had been increasingly mean and rude for months. Her outbursts had also been increasing in frequency. Meredith just couldn't decide one way or the other. The pull of medicine and music were equally strong. If anything her mother's constant pressuring was pushing her away from med school. So when the chance came up to study with some of the most preeminent _maestros_ in London, Vienna, and Copenhagen for the summer, she enrolled herself in both Dartmouth and Juilliard, took the Master's classes in Europe, and figured she'd decide which program to attend at the end of the summer.

Meredith managed to avoid Ellis and sneak off to Europe. She'd had an incredible time, and had just screwed up her courage to defy her mother and go to Juilliard, when she got the emergency call to her mother's side. Her mother's symptoms had increased to the point she could no longer ignore them. Ellis Grey was diagnosed with early onset, rapidly degenerating Alzheimer's. Ellis, in one of the few lucid moments she had left, emotionally blackmailed Meredith into promising to go to medical school and give up music. Meredith, grieving and scared, willingly promised to enter Dartmouth that fall.

"Well?" Ellis asked Meredith sharply, "They say it's been five years. Don't you have anything to say?"

"Uh... um...," Meredith stammered, stunned.

Dr. Webber took mercy on Meredith, "Ellis, you'd be proud of her. She's the intern to beat in the surgical program here at Grace."

"Yes, Dr. Grey, your daughter has a promising future as a top notch surgeon," said Dr. Burke seriously, with a nod to Meredith, having forgiven her for her earlier clumsiness in the light of her mama's condition.

Then Burke rapidly gave orders to Tolliver and explained what he suspected to both Ellis and Meredith. He wanted Ellis admitted and tests run. There was a possibility of surgery. Burke and the Chief looked concerned, but not unduly, Meredith noted.

"Dr. Grey, you're off duty, as of now, to take advantage of this time with your mother," Dr. Webber instructed, "Ellis, I'll come visit when you're settled. It's wonderful to see you again."

"Thank you, Richard, you too," Ellis' dimple flashed as she genuinely smiled at the Chief, the beauty and charisma of a legendary and powerful surgeon shining in that moment.

o-o-o

"Dr. Grey, I respect everything I've read about you and by you. You're an amazing surgeon. Would you mind...," asked Dr. Yang hopefully, hesitantly, as she finished examining Ellis in her room.

"What is it, Dr. Yang?" asked Ellis, leaning back against her pillows, slightly flattered.

"What would you say about an intern who chooses cardiovascular surgery as a specialty?" asked Cristina eagerly.

Ellis flashed a sharp look at Meredith, knowing _she_ hadn't chosen cardiovascular, and began to answer Yang. Meredith felt Ellis' condemning look all the way across the room. She wasn't going to choose cardio. It was true.

Meredith had to duck out to breathe. The tsunami was crushing her in an airless wave. All she could think of was air, she needed air. She left Cristina with Ellis, to take refuge on the roof helipad, the windiest place she could think of. She dipped her hot shame filled face against the wind as she held the cold metal guardrail with both hands.

Cristina and her mother were hitting it off like they were the real long lost mother and daughter, while she lurked uncomfortably in the corners and finally ran away to the roof. Cristina's ease with Ellis illustrated to Meredith once again how lacking she was. The wind whipped wildly around the tall building and chilled her back to a crisper clarity of thought.

_No_, she thought from the healthier state of being that she'd worked hard to achieve over the last five difficult years, _it isn't just me that's lacking. Mom is too. We're both responsible for whatever our relationship was – good and bad. Mom never made it easy for me to love her, not once._

An air ambulance flashed and whirred in the distance, heading in to Seattle Grace. Meredith watched it chop it's way through the light grey sky, looking impossible, like it should never be able to fly. It was loaded with patients that needed the top surgical staff at Grace. Surgery. Her mom and she had that in common now. Maybe it would be enough to bridge their ever present gap to meaningful communication. Alzheimer's had only been the block for the last five years, before that it was everything else.

Meredith's hair whipped around her face as she watched the ambulance land and two teams rush out to meet it. She was chilled to the bone. Soon the chill would force her to stop avoiding and face her mom. She firmly listed the top five things she needed to say to Ellis, screwed her courage to the max, and headed back inside. It was most likely that she'd only have this one chance with Ellis. She needed to take advantage of it.

o-o-o

"Mom?" Meredith ventured tentatively to her dozing mother.

"Well, I wondered when you'd show up to talk to me," said Ellis, stretching and actually smiling winningly at Meredith, "Please sit down and tell me how you are. What's going on in your life?"

"Well... Mom...," Meredith didn't trust that smile – she'd seen it's cruel underbelly too many times – but... she had a day or so, possibly just hours, "I'm happy... I'm really happy. I've been dating a wonderful man... a surgeon... I think you'd like him. I... I... love him."

Meredith blushed as she tried to tell her mom about Derek. In the back of her mind she thought perhaps Ellis would be impressed by the head of neurosurgery and maybe some of Derek's glamor would rub off on her. Maybe, in this, Ellis would approve of her.

Ellis frowned, "You're seriously dating? As an intern? How does that jive with a hundred hour week? Didn't you learn anything from my mistakes?! For pity's sake use double birth control. You don't want your life derailed by a baby at this point in your career, trust me on this."

Meredith numbly pulled back within herself. All the planning she and Derek had done over the last few days tasted like ashes on her tongue. A baby... Derek's baby could derail her career. Derek's baby would be a 'mistake' to its maternal grandmother. (Meredith was also under no illusions about how its paternal relatives would feel about any baby Derek had by her. She was not popular with Derek's family.) Meredith herself had been an encumbrance to her mother, and poor Zachary...

"What specialty have you chosen?" asked Ellis, showing a smiling interest over sharp teeth again.

Meredith pulled herself together and tried to speak coherently, "I've tentatively chosen... plastic surgery... We have a world class plastic surgeon as head here now... I've... already learned so much from him... I love... reconstructing..."

Meredith stumbled to a halt as her mother flew into a sudden violent rage, her eyes flashing hatefully. Alzheimer's, however, wasn't the excuse this time. Meredith froze to cold, numb, stillness, inside and out. The old silence enveloped her. Her words froze in her brain and melted before they could make it to her tongue.

"What?! Plastic surgery?! _That's_ what you've chosen?!" Ellis literally threw her hands up, "I should have known. Imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you've picked something as lightweight as _plastics,_" she spat,_ "_You may as well have been a _baby catcher! _ Seeing that I have Alzheimer's, I would have thought the specialty you should choose would be apparent! You're a bankruptcy, Meredith, a lazy, selfish nothing, and you always have been."

Ellis' raised voice echoed down the hall so that every staff member and patient in that section of the floor heard Dr. Grey's humiliation at the hands of her mother – the mother they'd all witnessed her caring for so diligently. Several of Meredith's friends, including Mr. Sandage, Meredith's octogenarian friend on the janitorial staff, and Nurse Tolliver, up from the Pit, paused outside Ellis' door, wondering how to help Dr. Grey. Cristina Yang and Izzie Stevens looked up from charts at the nurses' station across the hall. They had perfect sound and picture.

_Oh,_ thought Izzie painfully,_ I get the dark and twisty, one night stand, too much tequila thing now._

Cristina couldn't help remembering all the times she'd told Meredith how lucky she was to have Ellis Grey as a mother. She looked at Meredith's stricken, frozen face and was ashamed of the envy she'd once felt. As irritating as her mother and Burke's mother were, they didn't despise their own children and would never speak like that. The happiness on her person's face, so irritating to Cristina this morning, was gone as if it were never there. Cristina mourned its loss. She frowned in concern at the old dark and twisty, sorrowful Meredith.

"I... I... Mom..."

"I've been out of my mind for five years. Five years! And when I wake up you're the one who's babbling stupidly. Boyfriends and love and plastics. Whatever happened to you, Meredith?! You've become_ ordinary... _bland... _boring_! The only thing you've left out is building a house in the country."

Cristina's mouth turned down as she watched dark and twisty Meredith stare at the floor between her feet. Then, Meredith looked up. Her face was empty and hard. No one at Seattle Grace had ever seen that expression on her face. In fact, only those who'd been at her infamous Swiss boarding school would have recognized the look.

"Alright, Mom, let's talk about something a little less _ordinary_ then, like the fact that I have a baby brother," Meredith said, stress churning her gut wildly.

Ellis Grey stared at her blankly.

"That look works most days, but not today. How could you give away Guiseppe's son, without even telling him he was a father?! How could you do such a monstrous thing? Did you know what they did to me in Switzerland and Tanzania while you hid your pregnancy? You called me a selfish disappointment. Well, what do you think you are?!

"Do you have _any_ idea how hard it has been for me for the last five years?! Nursing homes, doctors, experimental programs, legalities, investments, moving, a thousand details – all alone, while I was in med school and internship! You want to know what happened to me? You! You happened to me!"

Meredith couldn't look at Ellis Grey one more second. She needed air. She needed out from under the crushing weight of tsunami Ellis. She rushed blindly past everyone in the hallway, only vaguely aware of bodies in her path. She had no clear idea that she'd brushed past Cristina, Izzie, Tolliver, Mr. Sandage and finally, at the end of the hall, just entering, Derek. She just managed to get to the windswept helipad, where the air could counteract the suffocating ocean, before she vomited.


	38. Tough All Over

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 38: Tough all Over**

Meredith toweled her hair and dressed in warm, black, slim fit slacks. She topped them with a crisp, long sleeved, black and lavender shirt, detailed with double breast pockets and onyx snaps. She carefully avoided her face in the mirror as she hooked onyx earrings in her earlobes, and slid a matching bracelet over her wrist. Meredith meticulously zipped up black, high heeled boots over her pant legs and loaded her waistband and pockets with her intern gear. She wasn't on duty, but she wanted to text message Zachary later, or possibly phone him. She didn't want to miss any pages from Derek either. She focused on the details so she didn't have to think about...

She made up her face lightly and finished drying her hair. It turned out that vomiting on the roof in the whipping wind wasn't a good idea. Unless, of course, she counted having a legitimate excuse to avoid Ellis a little longer. She sighed and condemned herself for being a coward. Mer draped her large, black, wool scarf around her shoulders, and, step by step, made her way back to Ellis' room.

_I have to, I have to, I have to. _

The dreadful little phrase beat through her mind with each step. Dr. Burke and Dr. Yang were there when she peeked around the door. Burke was explaining the necessity of heart surgery to Ellis.

"Tachycardia is usually controlled by oral medication, Dr. Burke. Why are you recommending surgery?" interrogated Dr. Grey, sharply, smoothing her hair.

"Because you have coronary artery disease, as well as tachycardia. The two combined together make it imperative that you take the meds daily, but Meredith tells us the Alzheimer's makes you particularly difficult..." Cristina explained callously.

"Dr. Yang," Burke used her name to give Cristina a small rebuke, as sick comprehension dawned on Dr. Grey's face.

"What if I...," Ellis paused to gather herself, and then said more strongly, "What if I refuse the surgery and the meds? That would be better... the best choice really."

"You can't refuse," said Cristina, just as callously as before.

At Burke's impatient scowl, Cristina said defensively, "Well, it's true," then she turned to Ellis and explained, "Meredith has power of attorney for your medical care, so, technically, the decision is hers, not yours."

She at least had the grace to soften her delivery of the last statement. Ellis blanched and pushed back against her pillows. Her throat worked hard as she attempted to swallow the unpalatable lack of control that was her life.

"I will tell Meredith..."

"No, Mom, I won't let you refuse the surgery," Meredith stated as firmly as she could, while hovering in the doorway, "Dr. Burke, I'll sign the consent."

Cristina handed her the clipboard and Meredith signed the familiar forms, ignoring the next tidal wave on the horizon.

"So, I have no say?" Ellis glared and pressed her lips together in a thin line.

"No, Mom, you don't," Meredith licked her dry lips and held her ground, even as the wave roared closer.

"Yes... well," muttered Burke, "We'll leave you to talk."

Burke and Yang looked uncomfortably back and forth between the two stubborn, dark and twisty Grey women and started to ease their way from the room.

"Why?!" Ellis demanded before they made good their escape, "Is it some kind of revenge to keep me as a crazy woman in Bedlam?! That's what this is all about, isn't it, Meredith?! You've always blamed me for sending you to boarding schools. They disciplined you when I couldn't, and you've always resented it. You said Switzerland was a nightmare, and now you have the chance to make me live _my_ worst nightmare."

Meredith looked at her mother incredulously. The crashing tsunami once again tumbled words crazily in her brain, and disconnected her tongue. Tears misted her eyes, as she absorbed once again how little regard her mother had for her. She struggled to form words under crushing pressure.

Burke and Cristina looked at each other in shock.

"Dr. Grey, even I know your daughter better than that," said Dr. Burke, frowning at Ellis, "To my knowledge, she has always taken the best possible care of you."

"Then let me go. I don't want to live like this," Ellis said stubbornly, her nostrils flaring and the lines around her mouth deepening.

"Mommy, you have to live," Meredith twisted her hands and forced herself to speak, "Medicine makes advances every day. A treatment for Alzheimer's could be developed at any time. I have hope, Mom.

"You have a daughter _and_ a son who want a future with you. In fact, we can call Zachary right now. He lives with Guiseppe, since his family died. He'll want to say hello to you," Meredith concentrated on remembering Zachary's last hug and kiss as he bravely said goodbye to her before he left for Rome.

In frustration, Ellis turned her face away to stare out the window, ignoring Meredith and not even deigning to acknowledge that she even heard Zachary's name.

"Mom... Mom, please, at least give me a message for Zachary, he's just a little boy," Meredith pleaded impotently, fighting to work her way through her top five list, a tear trickling down her ashen cheek.

Ellis stubbornly shook her head 'no'. Meredith swiped the tear with the edge of her scarf and sucked back the rest. They would only provoke her mother's contempt, not her mercy.

"You asked what happened to me, Mom... You said you were disappointed that I was so ordinary," Meredith said, her voice breaking with sorrow, and her face blanked.

Burke's eyebrows raised high over his square framed glasses. He looked at Cristina who shrugged and nodded slightly.

"Maybe I am... Maybe I'm just too _ordinary_ to be okay... with..._ killing_ my mother," Meredith stumbled over the words, "Don't ask me to. We have so little time left and so much to say to each other. Please..."

Ellis Grey lay back against her pillows and pulled the covers up to her chest.

"I'm tired," she said resolutely, and closed her eyes dismissively.

Burke and Yang managed to escape at that point, and Meredith sat, miserably silent, next to her mom. Her list evaporated into nothing. She didn't know what to say anymore. She'd never known what to say. Nothing she said mattered anyway. Her heart ached for her little brother, whose mother couldn't be bothered to say one positive thing to him in his whole life. Then she let herself get it that her mother couldn't be bothered to say one positive thing to her either. She stared at her pale, long fingered hands twisting her scarf into a knot.

Dr. Shepherd, followed by Dr. Stevens, came bustling into the room at his normal fast pace. He smiled his ridiculously gorgeous smile and nodded to Meredith, but she was emotionally unable to respond with more than a sad look. Izzie glanced between them and frowned when she saw Derek taking Meredith's apparent indifference personally. Derek hadn't heard the revealing shouting match earlier. He also hadn't seen Cristina's face and hand signal in the hallway to Izzie as they passed. There was more going on here than Meredith and her mother sitting in a semi-calm silence.

"Dr. Grey, I'm Dr. Shepherd, I'm the doctor who placed you on the experimental treatment program for Alzheimer's. This is Dr. Stevens, the intern who is currently on my service. You asked for a consult?"

Derek smiled charmingly at Meredith's mother. He'd always done good parent _and_ good patient, so he didn't expect any trouble now. He knew Meredith had had a hard time with her mom. He knew Dr. Grey had done some almost criminally negligent things to Meredith. He hated a lot of what he knew of Ellis. But now, all he saw was a sick woman with Meredith and Zachary's beautiful big eyes, his girl's mom, having a miracle day of lucidity.

Meredith gazed mutely at her handsome boyfriend. He was so naïve. In this, she was the expert and he was the innocent. He'd never dealt with a person like Ellis Grey before and there was nothing she could say to warn him. Ellis Grey had ways – ways of diminishing self-esteem, ways of casting doubt, ways of hurting Meredith and the people she loved. Meredith braced herself for the explosion.

"Yes, please explain the program to me, doctor, and tell me why you thought I was a good candidate for it," Ellis said pleasantly.

Izzie sat next to Meredith and leaned close to murmur to her when Shepherd sat on the side of Ellis' bed answering her questions.

"Are you okay, Meredith?" Izzie asked, watching Ellis cautiously.

"Yeah, Iz. I'm fine," Meredith said, breathing through the pressure clamping her chest and throat.

They looked at each other. They both thought about the dozens of times Izzie had said she was 'fine', after Denny died, in the same tone of voice Meredith had just used. 'Fine' was code for 'I hurt like hell. I'm bearing it, and there's nothing anyone can do to help me'.

"Let me know, Mer, if you stop being 'fine'," Izzie offered.

"'Kay, Iz, thanks."

Meredith had the same feeling in her gut watching Derek and Ellis as she'd once had watching Dylan carry a live bomb. The only difference was that Derek didn't know there was an unexploded bazooka shell in his capable hands. Pink mist... she didn't want whatever she had with Derek to turn to pink mist. She valued whatever they had – whatever it was – okay, it was a ship, yeah, a real relationship, in full sail.

_I love him so much, and he loves me, _she thought quietly, deep inside, where no one could hear her.

She surreptitiously knocked on the wooden table next to her, anyway, so as not to tempt fate.

"Thank you, doctor. Frankly, I don't know how you do it," said Ellis.

"What?" asked Derek.

"Specialize in treating Alzheimer's. I know I couldn't have done it. It's such a horrific disease," commented Ellis.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought Meredith told you. I'm the head of neurosurgery here at Seattle Grace. I'm not an Alzheimer's specialist," Derek explained, glancing at Meredith and Izzie.

Ellis focused sharply at that. She scrutinized first Meredith, then Derek with a piercing look. Her face morphed into Mommy Dearest in one second flat. Meredith and Izzie froze.

"So why, exactly, were you interested in my case, Dr. Shepherd?" Ellis Grey hissed dangerously, but still with overtones of pleasantry.

"I was just doing a favor for Meredith, Dr. Grey, that's all," Derek, caught the underlying displeasure, but shrugged one shoulder and smiled charmingly at Ellis and then at Meredith. She could have told him that wouldn't win him any points.

"I... see. _You're_ the one she was babbling about. You're one of _them,_" Ellis studied Shepherd with a gimlet glare, "You're not here for me – to offer me hope. You're here for _Meredith_."

"What? One of who?" Shepherd asked, confused.

"An attending. A neurosurgeon! A man approaching forty, having an early mid-life crisis, taking advantage of a stupid girl in her twenties who parties every weekend. Knowing her, you probably met in a bar, right? I'm sure that much hasn't changed," Ellis said in disgust.

Derek frowned, looked uncertainly at Meredith, and tried to interrupt. But, Ellis was well into her diatribe, ignoring both Derek's and Meredith's attempts to stop her. Izzie held her breath. No one ever said Ellis Grey was slow on the uptake.

"You feed off the fawning admiration in her eyes and steal her youth. You're her boss, her teacher, and you twisted that position of authority for your own ends," Ellis lambasted him, "What's wrong with you, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Mom!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Dr. Grey," Derek managed, "I love your daughter."

"Something has to be wrong with you. Meredith only attracts losers. What? You're a womanizer, you're secretly gay, you're married, you're a closet boozer, what? Oh, I saw that. You're married. Get out," then Ellis looked at Meredith to scathingly say, "Your taste hasn't improved."

Izzie was shocked at how Dr. Grey had ferreted out the truth so quickly, but had put her own horribly negative spin on everything. Poor Meredith, growing up with a mom who had a mind like a steel trap and a heart that rivaled the Grinch. Izzie saw that Derek looked both appalled and embarrassed. She felt sorry for the whopping doubt she saw in his eyes after everything he and Meredith had been through, throughout their relationship.

"Mom!" Meredith jumped to her feet, "Enough! You want a punching bag?! Here I am. I'm used to it. But, you leave Derek alone. I won't let you speak to him like that!

"Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Stevens... thank you for the consult. I'm sorry... but my mother isn't up to any more company... Please leave now," Meredith said politely, her face strained and her eyes red with tears shed and unshed. She pulled deep within herself, letting her dark and twisty side come protectively to the front, and sat back down in the chair. She draped an extra blanket over her legs and waited. She had to stay here while Ellis was lucid, just in case...

_Just in case what, Meredith? s_aid D&T Meredith,_ Do you really think there's a chance in hell that your mommy will take advantage of this one last moment of lucidity to say she loves you? ... that she's proud of you? ... that she's grateful for the care you've given her? ... that she's sorry... for anything? ... that she approves of anything you've ever done in your whole life? You are such a fool._

"Meredith," Derek stroked a hand over her dark honey hair, as he had hundreds of times before. He was horrified inside, like he'd just had front row seats to the lions feeding at the Roman Colosseum.

"Not now, Derek," Meredith said the same words to Derek that he'd said _ad infinitum _to Addison.

He was shocked at how much it hurt.

_Is this what Addison felt? Karma's a bitch. Meredith won't even look at me. _

Izzie watched Meredith shut down almost completely, and Derek once again take it very personally. There was nothing else she could do but get on with her day. She touched Derek on the sleeve and indicated she was leaving. He nodded and then squatted in front of Meredith, ignoring Ellis as completely as she ignored her daughter.

"Meredith, I have to go. I have surgery, an aneurysm repair that's not going to wait," he said.

He could also have said that he needed some time before the surgery to compose himself. He was still bleeding from the deep slash wounds Ellis had given him with surgical precision. Derek reeled from his experience of a lucid Ellis Grey, and _he_ was a grown man. He couldn't imagine how it must have been for Meredith, as a child. Maybe most of the boarding schools had been a good idea.

"I know, Derek, I'll see you later," Meredith let herself surface enough to touch his black curls like a talisman, and then sank back, into the cold, dark depths of her old survivalist world.

She wasn't drowning. She knew how to live here. It was just that this morning she'd thought she'd never have to swim the pitiless black undersea cave of painful worthlessness again. This morning seemed very distant now. She was humiliated and embarrassed by what Ellis had said to Derek, but she'd known the explosion was inevitable. Derek didn't look like pink mist when he left and that had to be enough for now. Maybe they could deal with lesser injuries.

After Derek left, Meredith sat with her mother for hours. She got her an extra blanket and pillow. She chose favorite foods for Ellis for lunch, and later for dinner. She text messaged Zach and a ghost of a smile flitted across her face at his reply. Finally, she walked out into the hallway and paced, trying to build up her fortitude for one more, last ditch attempt to genuinely communicate with her mother. This time she would do the talking and her mother would just have to listen. She hovered in the doorway, trying to force herself inside.

"People who hover in doorways...," Ellis finally spoke.

"Are coming from nowhere and heading nowhere. You said that to me a lot growing up," Meredith replied, her voice almost hoarse from inner strain.

"You hovered in a lot of doorways," Ellis said in matter of fact tones.

Meredith took a deep breath and entered the room. It may as well have been the Valley of Death.

"Mom, I'm asking you to listen to me, and really hear me. I won't ask you for anything else ever again, I swear. We've had our differences over the years, but I guess that's not important now. I suppose the only thing that's really important is that I love you. I love you, Mom. You don't have to love me. You don't have to love Zachary. I get that you can't. I want to wait for possible medical advances in the future so that I can have another chance with you, but maybe that's just me being selfish again. Maybe that's not fair to you, so I agree. It's your life. If you want to refuse treatment, I'll agree to it," Meredith painfully ground to a halt, harshly cleared her throat, and looked down for a moment trying to regroup.

When her mother said nothing, Meredith sighed and said, "Mom?"

Ellis twisted a finger in her watchband and said, "You look like my daughter."

Meredith gazed, stricken, at her brain damaged, non-lucid mother and the tears she'd been stifling all day fell in torrents down her pale face. After a moment, she stumbled into the hall blindly.

She bumped into a strong young body and a voice well above her head said, "Dr. Grey, are you alright?"

Meredith looked up into Nurse Tyler's concerned face and said, "Please take care of my mother. She's reverted to non-lucidity."

"Yes, ma'am," Tyler said as he watched her turn away and almost run down the hallway. He glanced at Ellis and then at Dr. Grey's fleeing back and shook his head in regret.

Meredith swiped her face with her scarf again and made herself suck it up as much as possible. The 'gift' had been one of the most painful experiences she'd had with her mother in the last five years, and heaven knew there'd been a lot of them. Her one thought was to get home. She needed her bed and solitude where no prying, curious, or even compassionate eyes could see her. She needed to pass out for eight solid hours in blessed oblivion before she had to handle one more thing. For once, she didn't want Derek. She didn't want him or anyone else she knew to see her once again shredded by so-called family. There'd been too much of that. She managed to get to her locker without being stopped.

Meredith tiredly opened her locker, put on her black wool car coat, and pulled out her huge black tote purse. She used her big purses in place of her small duffel for her stuff occasionally. She emptied several sets of dirty scrubs into her bag, along with socks, and underwear. Then she grabbed her two lab coats. One of them clunked metallically against the side of the locker. She almost ignored it and then, with stray thoughts of ruining electronics in her washing machine berating her, she reached into the lab coat pocket to pull out her mace and her knife. She stuffed them in her car coat pockets and slammed her locker shut.

She stopped and leaned against it for a moment. Her heart felt so bruised and sore. She needed to go home.

Meredith trudged through the lobby and out into the drizzling cold rain. It suited her mood. She held her face up to the heavy, low, grey clouds she fancifully thought were weeping for her because her own tears weren't helping. Meredith reached in her pocket for her keys and looked right, searching for where she'd parked.

Out of the corner of her eye she caught a rushing black movement behind her. It was a moment of stark clarity. Everything slowed to a snail's pace. She had time to realize that the rapist was on her. Over and over, Meredith had listened to the victim accounts of the attacks. She knew his moves, like she'd know her partner's moves in ballroom dancing.

She dodged sideways and threw up her thick, enormous purse, just as his first slashing blow struck deep. It sliced through her purse, but missed her. Her scrubs and lab coats had shielded her. Meredith's fingers were on her car keys. As her attacker swore and jerked at his knife, she frantically pressed every button, finally setting off her car alarm. She whirled, hoarsely screaming, swinging her purse into his head. She tried to run, as her self-defense sensei had instructed Alex and her repeatedly when they'd taken lessons a few months ago, but he grabbed her coat and slashed again, scoring her side.

The icy burning pain was a shock, but it didn't even come near the pain in her heart. Meredith now knew she couldn't run. She had to stand her ground. She had to fight. The knife in her attacker's hand glittered savagely in the weak parking lot light as he brought it down again. Meredith cried out in shocked pain.

She twisted and bent and rolled him over her hip with leverage and his own forward momentum as she'd practiced dozens of times on Alex. Black spots were dancing in her peripheral vision and her breath sawed harshly in and out. She was going to pass out. He was too strong and too determined. She'd only avoided his attack this far through prior knowledge, a couple tricks, and sheer luck.

She backed away frantically and her pocket clunked metallically against a parked car. The man came at her again, and tripped over her big purse. It would have been comedic at any other time. He viciously cursed and kicked her bag away. He started promising her in graphic detail what he was going to do to her. The memory of Myra, and Jenine, and Sarah galvanized her.

Meredith's hands closed on mace in one pocket and her knife in the other. A flick opened the blade, and Surgeon Grey was empowered by the small, scalpel sharp steel. She had one chance. As the rapist stabbed again, Meredith stepped into him rather than avoiding him, surprising him, stabbing with one hand and spraying with the other.

He gave an awful roar and slammed the side of her head. Meredith went down then, terribly hurt, almost unconscious. Her empty hands touched the icy wet pavement, and then scrabbled at her waistband. She didn't know where the rapist was, but her addled wits knew what to do. Rough hands grabbed her feet and pulled her over the ground. She opened her cell and pressed two very familiar buttons blindly with her thumb, keeping the cell at her side.

Seven thousand miles away, on another continent, a ten year old little boy woke, and groggily answered his phone.

"Meredith? Are you alright? Meredith?"

Meredith frantically held on to her cell as she was thrown against something wet and hard. With all her remaining strength, in a move that made sense to her battered brain and dimming consciousness, she rolled and pressed her mouth onto the cell.

"G... g... glumpy..."


	39. To Arms

_Short update today. I'm as excited as a fangirl when I read what you all think of the story. Thanks for commenting. sam_

Dreams of Love

Chapter 39: To Arms

Panic stricken, Zachary called, "Meredith?! Meredith! Meredith, did you say 'Glumpy'?"

At the abrupt silence and canceled call signal he raced for his father's bedroom shouting, "_Papà! _ _Papà! Papà _Guiseppe! She said 'Glumpy'! I know she did. Help her!"

Michele Giordano, staying in the room across the hall while his uncle recovered from brain surgery, ran out at Zachary's cries, before Guiseppe could, tying a bathrobe around himself.

"What?! What's wrong? Zachary, did you have a bad dream?" he asked the frightened, white faced child in English, catching him in his arms.

Zachary was shouting in English, having reverted to his first language in his panic.

"No! It's Meredith! She said 'Glumpy'! _Papà! _Help me!" Zachary tore free of Michele and headed for Guiseppe.

Guiseppe was already roused and in an old fashioned dressing gown, just opening his door, when Zachary barreled into him.

"What is it? What has you so frightened, my son?" asked _Papà_ Guiseppe letting Zachary cling around his waist but trying to maneuver to a chair. His balance wasn't yet fully reliable.

"Meredith and I have a safe word. It's the word that says 'something very bad has happened and you have to come save me, no matter what'. It's a secret. And she said it!!" Zachary spoke as clearly as he could, frantic to get the adults moving.

Michele and Guiseppe exchanged glances. Both were pained that Meredith had thought it necessary to protect Zachary like that. Then Michele remembered the broken girl on his small yacht that summer and wasn't surprised. Why should Meredith ever expect smooth sailing? She'd never had it for long.

"Meredith said your code word on the phone? Just now?" Michele asked.

"Yes! On my Meredith phone! The ringing woke me up and she said 'Glumpy'! I know she did! Please do something!" Zachary implored.

"Zachary did you try calling her back?" Guiseppe asked practically, "Give me your phone."

Zachary handed over the cell he'd been clutching so tightly. He watched anxiously as Guiseppe put on his reading glasses and punched in Meredith's cell number. The call went to VM immediately. Hm. Guiseppe looked at the card he kept on his dressing table and punched in Meredith's home phone. Same result. Hm. He punched in Seattle Grace Hospital and had Dr. Grey paged. The operator came back on the line to explain that Dr. Grey wasn't on duty and was not answering the page. Guiseppe frowned at the card again, his own anxiety escalating. Zachary was almost jumping up and down with it. He punched in Dr. Shepherd's cell number and on the twelfth ring it was answered.

"Hello, this is Dr. Stevens. Dr. Shepherd's in surgery. May I take a message?" Izzie said in a chipper voice.

Guiseppe breathed a sigh of relief as some of the mounting tension drained. He knew Dr. Stevens. She was Meredith's roommate and friend.

"Dr. Stevens, I apologize for interrupting. This is Guiseppe Giordano calling for Zachary. He says he had an emergency call from Meredith. He says she said a strange code word," Guiseppe explained with Zach dancing in anxiety in front of him.

"Glumpy?" asked Izzie with a weird feeling behind her eyes.

Derek paused his work and looked up, his lower face masked and microscope lenses affixed over his eyes.

"What is it, Dr. Stevens?" he asked.

"Yes," said Guiseppe, "Good, you know about it. Zachary says Meredith called and said the safe word and then the call was dropped. He's very worried. Will you look into it? Will you please tell Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes, of course. It may be something about her mom. She's been hospitalized again," Izzie said with no discretion.

"What? Zachary's mother? Is it serious?" asked Guiseppe, worry draining at a plausible reason for the call.

"Dr. Stevens. What is it? Is Zachary calling to say 'Glumpy'? Where is he?" asked Derek, motioning to his resident to keep going on his portion while Derek paused.

"Just a moment Dr. Shepherd," Izzie said, "We'll do our best at this end, Mr. Giordano, and call you later."

"Dr. Stevens, wait. Zachary wants to talk to you himself. Hold on," Guiseppe handed the phone to Zach.

"Izzie! It's Zach. Meredith called me! She said 'Glumpy'! I heard her. You have to find her. You have to save her because I'm too far away. You have to tell Derek. You have to call the police."

"Zach...," Izzie started.

"She's hurt, Izzie. I know it," Zachary's breath sobbed as his control slipped, in the effort to get someone to understand that Meredith wouldn't have said that word unless she meant it.

Izzie reacted empathetically to his tears and panic, feeling her own anxiety escalate.

"Don't worry Zach. We'll look for her. I have to go. We'll call you when we find her," said Izzie.

When Izzie told Derek it was Meredith, not Zachary, who may have said the safe word he was filled with a deep foreboding. He couldn't leave his patient on the table with an open brain. This was that damn bomb all over again. Meredith could have been pink mist at any second and he couldn't go to her. He couldn't help her. He had to stay with his patient. He had to use others as his eyes and ears when he wanted to rush around himself. He restrained his protective instincts with massive self control and ordered Izzie to check Meredith's pager and cell and home phone, then her mom's room, the on-call rooms and the locker room. She was so tired and dispirited. She was probably sleeping somewhere, tucked away safe, he tried to tell himself.

_Meredith would never say that word to Zachary in jest. Something was terribly wrong._

He ordered Izzie to call security if she didn't find Meredith, took a deep breath, and pushed worry away until he completed the section of this surgery that only he could do. He'd hand it off to other surgeons as soon as possible, but until then, he owed it to the patient on the table to focus. For a moment he really hated his job, then he centered and focused, utterly calm and steady.


	40. The Little Engine

Dreams of Love

Chapter 40: The Little Engine

Meredith was floating, and was aware she was floating. She knew floating was bad. Feeling high when she should be feeling the pain always came with way too high a price. That was one of the things she'd learned over the past five years in spite of what her mother thought.

She kept flirting with waking up the way she did on the days she didn't have to go to work, when she awoke without an alarm. She woke and was aware that she was very cold, then drifted off again. She woke and was aware that she had to get up – now! – and then floated out of reach. When she finally awoke there'd be a whole new world of pain to deal with, so she needed to hit the snooze alarm just one more time. She dreamed she was dead, that the rapist had killed her but knew that wasn't true too. Yeah, he'd almost killed her instead, but almost never counts, like her mother always says.

_For pity's sake, Meredith, if you're going to do something, do it! Hesitancy is for losers and wannabes._

_I'm not a loser or a wannabe, Mom._

_Then wake up! Deal with it!_

She woke up and settled.

She wanted to scream, but the only thing she could manage was a weak, "Ow."

She forced her eyes open and slowly tried to move her hands and feet, which was quite a trick since she couldn't feel them. Hot pain instantly shot up her hip and side.

"Yay me," Meredith croaked, knowing that returning feeling was a _good_ thing.

_Yeah... I am... definitely... going to have to keep telling myself that._

Meredith became aware as she moved her scraped hands that it was pitch black. There was a hard wall to one side of her and thorny bushes on the other side. She was lying in a discarded, crumpled heap on mulch.

_At least it isn't as soggy as grass would have been,_ she thought irrelevantly.

She was gradually becoming aware of more than just her stiff, aching, hurting body, and the terrible headache behind her eyes. She thought she could hear voices, and for an instant overwhelming fear paralyzed her. He was back! He was coming at her again! He was going to kill her!

_Meredith! Don't be foolish!_ said her mother's voice in her head. _Get up. You're lying there like a lazy slug abed. What are you waiting for? Someone to do it for you? Typical lazy, good for nothing! Get up!_

Meredith's inner mom voice whipped her mercilessly until she painfully made it to all fours, her stomach heaving. It was as far as she could go under the bushes. Thorny twigs tore at her hair and fat raindrops fell down her neck from the wet bushes as she crawled agonizingly out from under them. She collapsed flat on the ground when she was clear. Noise, there was noise and light. What did it mean?

She rolled slowly to her back and looked at the wall above her. There were letters uplit on it. She needed to know where she was and those letters would tell her. Meredith struggled to bring her blurred vision into focus... S... G... H. What did that mean? Red lights flashing and sirens approaching nearly split her head in two. She managed to press her hand to her head alleviating a tiny bit of the hammers pounding on the anvils in her brain.

_Think! You are not a stupid girl even though you act like it all the time, _said interior, backhanded Ellis.

More letters... E... M... E... R... G... She couldn't see what was next. Her vision blurred everything crazily. SGH EMERG. Meredith's battered brain worked sluggishly, and then she knew. She was near the Pit entrance at her own hospital. She needed help and help was right there. She would get up and walk in. Yeah. That was it. She had a plan. She instantly felt better.

Inch by inch, using the wall and fighting black waves of unconsciousness again, Meredith stood up. Something kept trying to trip her. She realized that her elastic panel waist slacks had been pulled down to her knees. Her thong was gone. Her bottom was frozen numb. No wonder it didn't hurt. Sobbing in shame and fear and pain, Meredith pulled her pants up with trembling hands. She carefully didn't think about further injuries or what happened. She wrapped her coat tightly around her beaten body and pressed her elbow hard to her torn side. Her other arm pressed hard across her chest, Meredith started walking, at least in her mind it was walking and not staggering. Staggering wasn't good. Everyone knew that.

The lights were hurting her terribly. Her blurry, squirrelly eyes already didn't work. The flashing lights made it almost impossible to see where she was going. She staggered to a halt, leaned against the wall, and raised her hand to shield her eyes. She needed to cover her eyes. Her hands went to the knotted scarf at her throat. It was wet and twisted like all her clothes. She fumbled with it for several minutes, and then slumped against the wall in defeat.

_Isn't that just like you, Meredith. Always whining, always complaining. Get it done._

Barely able to control her hands and blinded by concussion, Meredith worked at the knot again. The knot finally slipped free and Meredith worked to pull the black wool scarf out from under her coat. She wrapped it around her head and face, pulling it forward, so it shielded her eyes somewhat. She pressed her elbow into her side and pressed her coat closed over her chest again, getting ready to trek again.

She was going to have to leave the security of the wall again. If she followed it, it would lead her to the ER doors, but it was more than three times as long as heading across the parking lot, on a direct route. But... she'd have to chart her own course and there would be nothing to lean on or rest against. Wall or lot? The lapping waves of blackness told her that time was of the essence. Lot it was. Meredith took a deep breath, causing agony to blossom again in her chest, and bravely launched herself into the parking lot.

Meredith focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Occasionally, she'd look up and adjust her course for the flashing red blur and white blob that she assumed was the target. Half way there Meredith got very confused and had to stop. Why was she trying to get to the white blob? She couldn't remember for a minute. She stopped and waited, trying to regroup. Then she remembered the Pit. The Pit had help in it. She needed help. Right, keep walking... staggering... whatever. Meredith wove a drunkard's path across the pavement.

"Miss? May I help you?" said a voice too close for comfort.

Meredith's panic rose. She knew that the Pit was safe. The parking lot was where the rapist lived. He'd come back to finish her off. She screamed hoarsely in an almost gone voice and tried to run. Her frantic running in her head, translated to a slow shuffle in her feet, but it was the best they could do.

"Miss?" an old hand touched her sleeve.

Meredith swung a mighty fist at her attacker. Mr. Sandage caught the pitiful, weak loose hand of the poor woman in his warm, gentle hand. She needed help, poor thing. As the light hit one side of the woman's face, Mr. Sandage gasped. It was Dr. Grey. What in the world?!

Meredith peered up into the face of the old man talking so gently to her and saw his warm chocolate eyes and espresso black skin. She almost cried in relief. The rapist was white. This old man was her friend, Mr. Sandage. She clung to his hands.

"M... Mr. S... Sandage," said Meredith, "I have to go to the P... pit."

"Okay, Dr. Grey, I'm here now," he said soothingly and walked her to the Pit.

He thought about leaving her and running ahead, but he couldn't bear the thought of leaving her alone. Something was terribly wrong, and besides, they were almost there. Meredith clung as tightly as she could to Mr. Sandage's arm, still pressing her elbow into that side. He was a strong, old port in the storm where she'd gladly take refuge. Her eyes blurred kaleidoscopically, so she relied on Mr. Sandage's guidance. As she approached the Pit entrance, Meredith tried not to panic again. Everyone would look at her. Everyone would gossip. Everyone would know.

"M... Mr. Sandage."

"Yes, Dr. Grey?"

Meredith rallied her strength to her tongue, "Get Tolliver... put me in trauma bay... no one else."

"But, Dr. Grey, you're hurt! Why...?"

"Tolliver. T... Tolliver... please."

Her voice was so hopeless and pitiful, he couldn't help but respond. Tolliver it was. A trauma bay it was. Tolliver would know what to do. Besides, he wasn't an old man that Dr. Grey had wrapped around her little finger. He was a tough registered nurse, specializing in emergency care. He'd be able to say 'no'.

They slowly negotiated their way into the Pit. Everyone ignored them. Mr. Sandage guided Meredith to trauma bay six. Meredith clung to his hand as she leaned on the table, still standing.

"Tolliver only. Page Karev, Sloan, Bailey, 911. I need them. Call Santa Claus at police. No, not Santa Claus, the other name. You know. Tell him 911 to me."

Mr. Sandage's heart plummeted to his shoes. He did know. Everyone in the hospital knew Detective Kringle was investigating the rapes and assaults. Is that what happened to Dr. Grey? He started to leave but Meredith had a hard time letting go of him. He gently talked to her until she did, and he turned to leave.

"Mr... Sandage? You will come back, won't you?" asked a suddenly panicked Meredith, loath to let him go.

"Yes, Dr. Grey, you're not alone."


	41. The Girl and the Monster

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 41: The Girl and the Monster **

Meredith swayed and pulled her scarf further over her eyes against the bright light. She'd almost puked three times already since entering the Pit. The lights and noise were deadly on her head, but something inside said 'don't vomit, that will be way, way worse'. That inner voice had wisdom in it, she was convinced.

The longer she stood there alone, the more frightened she felt. Where was everyone? Mr. Sandage had to come back. Where was he? He'd promised... but he wasn't back. Meredith sobbed in fear again, but when she heard herself, she made herself stop. Her mother was in the hospital. She couldn't sob where Ellis might hear her. It wasn't done.

She swayed, but wouldn't sit down. When she sat down or passed out, she became a patient. And she couldn't be a patient until she'd talked to them. She'd stand. She'd wait. She wouldn't sob. But Meredith couldn't help hoarsely yelping in fear when the door blew open and Tolliver hurried in, popping a mint out of a little tin box.

"Dr. Grey?" he said, surprised, "What's going on? Mr. Sandage said you needed me in here."

Tolliver handed her a mint in the automatic food exchange the two of them always did when they saw each other, and then caught her hand in his to examine it more fully. Meredith put the mint in her mouth in automatic response and wanted to break down and weep over the normality of it. In concern, Tolliver saw that Meredith was milk white and her hands were scraped and raw. She was listing more than leaning, and what was with that scarf?

"Tolliver, what's the 911?" asked Karev, with a slightly preoccupied tone, entering.

"Alex...," Meredith's hoarse voice quavered and she lifted a bloody hand tentatively in relief when she saw her friend.

"Dr. Karev, did you page me?" asked Mark Sloan as he hustled in, annoyed at receiving a 911 page just as he was leaving the hospital.

He might have to use Karev's head in place of a bowling ball the next time he went bowling. He had lackeys. Why weren't they paged? Karev ignored him, staring at the strange, black scarfed woman leaning drunkenly against the exam table. Mark's eyes were drawn to her too.

"Meredith, what the hell is going on?" asked Alex, foreboding filling his gut, "Is that blood?"

Before Sloan could say anything else, a familiar little, round person of importance bustled in followed by Mr. Sandage, who quietly went to stand next to Dr. Grey. She immediately caught his hand. Everyone's eyes followed the movement of that small bloody hand.

"What do we have?" asked Dr. Bailey, crisply.

"It's Meredith."

Meredith had managed to gather herself for one last effort, and with Mr. Sandage by her side she was stronger. She could do this. One more piece and then she could let go.

"Tolliver, I forgot, p...please page neuro, page Adelmann, not Shep... herd, Adelmann. And when the policeman gets here, I must see him right away... not the McXerox, not the Addison clone... the man only...I don't have much time... right away. No gossiping, p... please, no one here, no gos...sip. P...promise," Meredith was impressed with herself that she'd got all that out. She could do this.

Tolliver, far from being the tough ER nurse Sandage had counted on, melted like snow in Phoenix, when he caught sight of the bruise on Dr. Grey's cheek under that awful scarf. The other nurses teased the big guy that he was Dr. Grey's favorite, but truth be told, she was his favorite too. Before the other doctors took charge and countermanded Dr. Grey in any way, Nurse Tolliver said crisply, "Yes, of course, doctor," and left the bay to page Adelmann. Something horrible had happened and of course Tolliver suspected what it was. He'd do what she asked.

"Meredith...," started Karev again when Tolliver left.

"Dr. Grey...," said Sloan.

"Someone better tell me what's going on right now!" snapped Bailey at the same time, in command. Her snapping dark chocolate eyes swiftly took in every detail and she frowned.

Meredith gripped Mr. Sandage's hand tightly, and closed her whirling eyes, as the noise assaulted her head. He carefully let her lean more weight on him. She was light and delicate, like a wounded little bird, he thought.

"Please let Dr. Grey speak. And then she has to lie down," Mr. Sandage said firmly, checkmating their combined medical authority with the authority of age, "Dr. Grey, tell us what you need."

"A...lex, you have the paper. You know. Use it if the time comes. Please. "

The light dawned on Karev's face and his mouth turned down grim, "Okay, Mer."

"And... I need a gynie exam. You were Captain of the gynie squad. You do it," Her voice quavered again, but didn't break.

"Meredith, I'll call Addison..."

"No!" her head almost exploded, "No! I can't bear the Adder... she can't see me... not her... no... Alex ... please... I need a rape kit... only you."

Everyone in the room reacted to the ugly word, some inhaling, some exhaling, exchanging glances and peering sharply at Grey.

"Don't worry, Dr. Grey, Dr. Karev will do the exam. Won't you Dr. Karev?" Mr. Sandage glared at Alex, who nodded now in regretful understanding, his pained face turning into a still, calm, professional mask, "And she needs more. Go on, Dr. Grey, they're listening."

"No Derek, not now. I... I ... I'm dirty... ugly... awful. I'm too m... much trouble. No Derek. I don't want him... to see me like this," Meredith could barely get the words out, but letting Derek see her this way panicked her.

The Adder was so perfectly perfect all the time, while she was covered in blood and muck and bruises. Derek would know that another man might have... that another man probably had... well, Derek... he'd called her a whore before. He'd been so happy planning a home and a baby with her. Now, he wouldn't want that anymore. Not with filthy her. Meredith's battered, unstable emotions, and askew brain combined her mother's last and greatest rejection of her as a worthless failure, with her own judgment that she'd failed to defend herself against the rapist's assault on her womanhood. Her mother had sat in silence rather than say anything decent to her, and the rapist had proved her mother right by showing her how weak and inadequate she was. He'd beaten her down physically the way her mother had beaten her down every other way.

"Shepherd loves you, Mer...," Alex reassured her.

"We have to call Derek, Meredith," said Mark, shaking his head, "You need him."

"Like what? Were you raped? Where else are you hurt?" asked Bailey, not willing to mess around one more second. This girl needed help and Bailey was going to give it to her now!

Tolliver had an orderly wait for Kringle, just Kringle. McXerox, the hard faced, too big, nasty Addison clone, had to wait in the waiting room, he instructed. Grey didn't like her. He was needed in the trauma bay. Dr. Grey had asked for him, and someone with sense had to help Dr. Grey. He reentered the bay and went straight to her to begin unknotting her scarf.

"I... was attacked... by the rapist," Meredith said it for the first time out loud and nearly fell to her knees as the reality struck home, breaking her out of her cushiony doughnut of numbness, "Maybe... I was r... raped. I don't know... knocked out. I can't... feel... he stabbed me, and I... I st... stabbed him," her bruised brain could barely handle the cacophony of sound that ensued.

Then Tolliver unwound her scarf and they saw her face and head for the first time. One eye was already blacking with a huge bruise across the cheek. But that wasn't the main problem. Her hair on one side was full of dried blood. Sloan had already stepped forward and was checking her pupils. The light made her unsteady stomach heave and she tried to push him away.

Confusedly, as Alex checked her vitals, and Sloan probed her head, she said, "No... Adelmann for the head. I called you and Alex and B... Bailey for the stabs."

"At the least, she's concussed," Sloan said to the others, then he said slowly and clearly to Mer, "Meredith, where are you stabbed?"

Meredith let Mr. Sandage's hand go and achingly opened her coat. Her pretty lavender and black shirt was red. They realized her black clothing had disguised the extent of her bleeding. Within seconds they had her on the exam table with the head end cranked up to prevent vomiting. Tolliver and Alex efficiently eased her out of her coat. They could all now see the deep slashes in it. When they started to take her coat away, Meredith panicked.

"No! Ow... no," she repeated more quietly, and trying hard not to cry, after her first outburst caused a detonation of pain inside her skull, and sparkles across her vision, "I... need my coat. Need it."

Meredith looked pleadingly at Sloan, who gruffly said, "Give her the coat, Karev."

When Karev obeyed and Meredith clutched the coat in her raw hands, Dr. Bailey chided them both for giving in to a hysterical patient, even if she was Dr. Grey, with her tone, "Dr. Sloan, Dr. Karev!"

Sloan ignored her and ordered Tolliver to help Meredith out of the shirt and to set up IV's, while Karev prepared an instrument tray for Sloan. Dr. Adelmann, Derek's brilliant seventh year neurosurgical resident arrived, and the intrinsic cloud of cool reassuring peace that traveled with him made Meredith's emotional turmoil and mental fire cool. His short, fat, skilled fingers gently examined Meredith's head, and he called for a nurse.

When Bailey started to call for a trauma team, Meredith sat up and hoarsely declared, "No, Dr. Bailey! I'll refuse treatment. No one else! I don't want all those gossipers looking at me."

"Meredith Grey, you are the patient here, not the doctor," Bailey growled and Meredith's huge bruised eyes filmed with tears.

She was on the edge of crumbling. Tolliver had draped Meredith and then efficiently cut her out of the ruined shirt. Meredith had flinched with each slice, the sound striking too close to home, and all the hands on her making her want to scream and flail. Tolliver, Adelmann, Sloan and Karev all paused to look reproachfully at Dr. Bailey. Exasperated, she shook her head at them, but her hands were very gentle as she helped remove Meredith's black high heeled boots.

Then Grey's quavering voice confessed like it was the end of the world, "Dr. B... Bailey... I broke my oath... I did harm... I stabbed him... in the neck... or shoulder... and... I maced him... and I kicked him in the face... maybe... with high heels... when I was on the ground and he thought I was out, but I wasn't..."

"Let's take it from the top, Dr. Grey," said a stern, new voice.

Detective Kringle had arrived. The doctors weren't ready for him to be there, but he was the one Meredith needed. She handed him her coat, both of them concentrating on each other and ignoring the medical staff and what they did to Meredith. Meredith even ignored the two nurses that Bailey brought in and reminded in front of Meredith that they were professionals. She said she knew they'd do their job without gossip especially as the patient was one of their own. Neither nurse was offended as both were women and both were long term veterans of trauma care. Dr. Bailey had explained the situation to them before she brought them in. Besides, they both knew Dr. Grey and liked her.

"I stabbed him... he bled on my coat... I saved it for you... his blood... will tell you who he is," then Meredith stumbled through the fight sequence.

The medical staff listening couldn't help being both appalled and admiring. Tolliver and Karev were easing the front of Meredith's shirt off her wounds, having to unstick the fabric by re wetting it. They pointed out the slash marks over her chest pockets to Sloan. Both her breasts were cut, but they all breathed a sigh of relief when Tolliver pulled out a ruined Ipod that had shielded her right breast and a notepad and Bluetooth that had shielded her left. Between her equipment and her coat, she'd been protected. She was cut, but only glancingly. Mostly she was terribly bruised. Sloan didn't even think she'd have a scar from those two wounds. Her side, under one breast, and her shoulder were another matter. They were going to need his skill. Good thing he was the best. He'd see to it there was minimal scarring, if any, there, too.

Meredith got to the part where she attacked the rapist with a small can of mace and a little knife. The room stilled as they all tried to picture the courage it took for a tiny person like Dr. Grey to charge a rapist.

"I tried to... kill him," Meredith admitted shamefaced to Dr. Bailey, more than to Kringle, "I tried to... stab him in the jugular vein. He had clothes everywhere else. That's how... you can tell his height. My hand was like this," she demonstrated as best she could, her strength rallied from the IV's, lying down, the help and the hope of pain meds in her future, "and I didn't hit the jugular. I failed. I think I hit the clavicle and slid off that. I sprayed him at the same time. I tried for his eyes... but I failed. I think I got his face instead, in the ski mask.

"He had to pull it off... after I maced him. He hit me really hard in the head, but I saw him when he grabbed my feet and dragged me. He's white... with medium brown, straight hair and hazel brown eyes. He was dressed all black in commando clothes, you know? His build was smaller than Mark, but bigger than Derek. His nose is too short for his face and his ears stick out. He... smelled like something familiar. I ... don't know."

"What happened after he dragged you, Dr. Grey?" Kringle asked intently, thanking God for the information this young woman was so clearly giving him even though she was beaten and stabbed.

"I... I said... I said 'Glumpy', I think."

Her words made no sense to anyone there. Dr. Adelmann cleared his throat and stepped forward in Kringle's line of sight, his presence suddenly commanding, whereas before he was just a pudgy little man.

"My patient needs a CT scan, sir, to determine the extent of her head injury. She can't have pain medications until we know. Plus, she needs a gynecological examination. Kindly step away."

Kringle started to obey, but Meredith stopped him, "Wait... Dr. Adelmann, please... let me say it all at once. He... needs to know... before another woman... is hurt."

Adelmann looked at her under deceptively lazy lids and beetled brows and finally nodded, his fat jowls wobbling.

"He dragged me... against the building. Then he left... I... rested... played dead. I thought what to do... remember, Alex? Our sensei said... use the hips and legs... I pulled my knees up. When he came back, he bent over me. I kicked his face with both feet, I think. I can't remem... ber... He screamed and punched my face... his nose might be broken... he grabbed my pants... yanked them down... I don't know what happened after that."

Meredith sobbed now, unable to control it anymore. She sobbed in pain and fear and shame. Her head was exploding in agony. Tears washed her bruised face and she scrubbed at them with her bandaged hands. She was so alone. Where was Derek?! She thought unfairly. She wanted him to hold her and comfort her, but didn't want him to know what happened. She was a little crazy, she admitted to herself. Then Kringle was pushed away by a determined old hand. Mr. Sandage laid that kind hand over Meredith's wet, bruised face and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Derek ... I want Derek ... but ..."

"You did well. I'm proud of you. More proud than I can say. I thank God you weren't killed or dragged away. You hear me? You were amazing. You did better than most people could have done," his eyes were liquid love, "Now, I am going to get Dr. Shepherd, and Dr. Karev is going to stay with you every minute until I get back. No. No, I will not let you keep fighting that monster all alone. Not when you have a good man who wants to be there for you. You have faced enough monsters alone. Now, enough talking. Lie back and rest. No. No more talking. Rest, and let them take care of you."


	42. What Else?

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 42: What Else? **

_**earlier:**_

Dr. Cristina Yang walked across the hospital lobby, finally heading home. Hart had let her scrub in on a valve replacement, so she'd got out late. It had caused her to just miss Meredith. Cristina sighed, cranky at the chatter of the interns standing by the coffee cart. Ellis Grey was non-lucid again, and she'd not even had one good word to say to or about Meredith Grey. The news was all over the hospital already. Meredith didn't need this crap. Yang rolled her stiff shoulders, shifting her duffel to her other arm. She'd noticed Shepherd was in surgery when she passed the board, so Meredith was at a loose end, and bound to be feeling raw. Maybe she should call Meredith and take her out for drinks. No... she was just too tired and they both had to be up at four.

As Cristina approached the outer doors, she automatically put her motorcycle helmet over her black curls and pulled her mace and her keys out of her pockets. She trudged tiredly towards her bike, parked on the far side of the lot. Cristina was annoyed anew by some fool's car blaring in the next aisle over as she secured her bag on her bike. Crabbily, she looked up, ready to blast someone, and realized it was Meredith's car. A frisson of unease shot up her spine. Cristina knew she'd just missed Meredith. Mer had headed out right before her.

Cautiously, Cristina looked all around. There was no one else anywhere. Where was Meredith?? Creeped out chills crept over her skin. Movement in the deep shadows, against the building, drew her eye. Suddenly, there was a masculine scream of raging anguish that Cristina could hear even through the small ear openings of her headgear. She focused on the black shadow standing over the smaller black shadow on the ground, trying to see exactly what was going on. Trembling, knowing she had to, Cristina walked faster and faster towards the sound and the shadows as if mesmerized. She was the only one here. She pulled her cell phone off her belt and tried to dial 911. It was deader than a doornail. She'd forgotten to charge it again. Her mouth dropped open and her breath sawed when she drew nearer and saw Meredith Grey's dark honey hair flagged over the wet grass, her bloody head tipped back, dead or unconscious. The rapist (Cristina knew it was the rapist the way she knew the steps of a Whipple) stood over her friend's naked loins and attempted to jerk himself ready to violate her, in spite of a bloody, battered face.

But as Cristina, also dressed all in black, silently approached on crepe soles, he angrily and painfully swiped at the blood gushing from his nose. He'd lost his violence induced erection when his victim turned the tables and stabbed him, maced him and bloody well broke his nose.

"Fucking bitch!" he spat enraged, as he viciously kicked Meredith in the hip, slamming her into the wall again, oblivious to anything but his interrupted ritual.

The horrible man scrabbled to pick something up off the ground and Cristina saw the unmistakable gleam of a knife flashing. Cristina fought not to panic when she realized the scum planned to rape Meredith with it, if he couldn't rape her any other way. Cristina's steel trap medical mind remembered the stabs the attacker had inflicted on his victims' genitals after he'd raped them. Cristina wanted to run, but it was too late. The man could kill or permanently maim Meredith in the next thirty seconds and Cristina wasn't having it.

_Oh no you don't, you sick psycho! _

Scared to death, Cristina forced herself to open her mouth and scream like the Beverly Hills princess she was. She threw her cell phone as hard as she could, hitting him a glancing blow in the shoulder where he already bore a knife wound from Meredith's brave defense. He groaned sharply, shocked at another disruption to his grim, perverted ritual. Cristina ran in a sudden burst straight at the man straddling her person. She tucked her head into her shoulders like a linebacker and head butted him, forcing him away. She tried to finish what Meredith had started by knocking him down and aiming her mace point blank at his uncovered face. Before she could get the stupid spray to work, the man rolled to the side and kicked her in the gut. Cristina went down, completely airless, her helmet protecting her head from the berserker's kicking feet, but not the rest of her body. Before Cristina passed out, she felt the icy hot stab of a blade.

_**later:**_

Izzie couldn't find her. Meredith wasn't answering her phones – any of them – or her pager. She wasn't in the on-call rooms or in any of the galleries or OR's or her Mom's room. Izzie was getting scared. Zachary had told her Meredith said 'Glumpy' and Meredith wouldn't say that to Zach just to tease him. Plus, Shepherd kept having his resident call her every few minutes for her lack of progress reports. It was driving her crazy because she knew she was letting him down, and she was getting wildly worried herself for Mer. Derek didn't show it in the OR, but he had to be extremely worried and frustrated.

Izzie had checked in with George and Callie, who'd already gone home, but they hadn't seen her. Callie let Izzie know in no uncertain terms that she didn't appreciate being awakened by Izzie on some trumped up nonsense, just so Izzie could interfere with her and George. Izzie hung up in the middle of Torres' diatribe, and called Cristina, but her phone went to immediate voice mail. Izzie knew Cristina was in a late surgery with Dr. Hart, so she couldn't help look for Mer, anyway. Izzie paged Alex and then went out to the parking lot to look for Meredith's car. She carried her mace in her hand and looked all around, the safety drills, uppermost in her mind. Then she stopped stock still.

_No. No way. Meredith was very careful... Yeah, but her mom... _

Izzie remembered the hateful things Ellis had said to Derek and Meredith for just the few minutes she was in the room. And Meredith had sat with her all day. Who knew what else had happened, or what else Ellis had said. She had the nastiest tongue Izzie had ever heard. Meredith would have been completely distracted and very tired when she came out to her car. Izzie felt panic rising up her throat as she ran through the parking lot towards a car whose horn was weakly blaring.

_My God, that's Meredith's car!_

Then Izzie tripped over something big and dark and would have fallen except for the parked car that stopped her tumble. She realized the dark lump was Meredith's huge, black purse. She dropped to her knees and pulled out Meredith's tiny scrubs. Her fingers slipped through a deep slash and Izzie gasped.

_Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God._

The hair on the back of her neck stood up and she pulled out her cell, looking all around the dim, drizzling wet parking lot, her mace held tightly in her hand. Her fingers fumbled over the 911, but she finally got them in. She gave the operator the location and what she suspected.

"Hurry! I have to go."

She hesitated. Maybe she shouldn't do it. Certainly, Cristina wouldn't do it – she didn't like or support Meredith's relationship with Shepherd – but Iz felt she owed Shepherd her career. He was the only attending who'd been willing to take a chance on her. She hung up on the 911 operator and called Derek.

When Stevens called, Derek had already handed off to Dr. Klaus, another neurosurgical attending. He wasn't fit to continue, even if he wanted to, but he didn't. He frantically wanted to search for Meredith himself, instead. For the first time in his career he put a woman before surgery. His idea was to check her car, because she'd taken naps in her car before, rather than drive exhausted. Derek impatiently answered his cell as he ran through the lobby.

"Dr. Shepherd, I had to call 911. The rapist. I... I think he... I could be wrong... I'm probably wrong... but, I think... I think he has her," Izzie took a deep breath, to ease her own dizziness, and waited a long moment, "Derek?"

The rapist. Derek had known. He'd known something terrible had happened to Meredith. She'd said 'Glumpy' to a little boy half way around the world signaling for help. As far as he knew, she'd never had a safe word with anyone before. Zachary sharing his safe word with her had meant a tremendous amount to Meredith. But, if Meredith was really hurt, why had she called Zach, and not him? He was right here, for God's sake – not to mention 911. Derek frowned. He was worried and anxious and piqued, all at the same time. The rapist? No, it wasn't that, he thought, in complete denial, the rapist doesn't leave his victims conscious enough to call anyone. Stevens was wrong. Something else had to be going on. Meredith was asleep in her car. She was going to be very embarrassed when she found out he'd left a surgery over this.

"No, Stevens, it can't be that. Where are you?"

"But, sir... okay, well... I'm in the parking lot, row Y, section 26, in the back. I found Meredith's bag... What was that? ...There's someone there."

"Stevens? Stevens?!"

Derek could hear distant shouting and screaming through the phone, and every instinct he had went on red alert. He shouted to the receptionist to get security as he ran out the doors. In the distance sirens screamed. He raced through the parking lot, with his phone pressed to his ear listening to the distant sounds of a woman battling for her life.


	43. Strike Three

_**Usually this fiction is rated M for the intimate sexual scenes. Today, it is for language and violence.**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 43: Strike Three  
**

_**after Cristina passed out:**_

White hot agony flamed down his arm and across his chest as he stabbed weakly at the bitch on the ground with his knife hand. The first bitch had almost completely disabled it. Damn her! Damn all bitches! He wanted to kick her again but couldn't. Moving so fast to teach the second bitch a lesson had put him in a world of hurt. His dick and pubic hair were caught in his zipper. It hurt like hell, but it had also had the salutary effect of cooling his temper. His brain was starting to work again. It had gone on strike when the first whore had tried to kill him. He grunted and fantasized for an instant what he wanted to do to her, but she had to be dead by now, he thought. Fucking worthless whore. Not even good enough to screw.

His dick was bleeding, his nose was broken, his shoulder hurt like hell and he still didn't have his breath back from the second whore's head butt to the gut. In fact, from the pain he had when he tried to straighten, she may have cracked his rib. He half heartedly tried to kick her again, but the zipper bit him, so he desisted.

He never spent this much time out in the open and with a blaring horn at that. They'd made a ton of noise screaming too. The rapist looked uneasily around, getting spooked now that his outrage over the little slut's resistance had cooled. He'd been caught by another worthless bitch, who knew who would see him next. It was time to cut his losses and get the hell out of here. He grimaced and howled as he jerked the zipper away from his prick, taking skin and hair with it. God damn it all to hell!

He dragged the first one into the back of his SUV. No big deal, even with his injuries, she was so light. He felt a stab of shame that such a small bitch had been able to do so much harm before he brought her down. He'd dump her and keep the second one. She wasn't dead yet. Besides, he owed her. He touched the knife at his side. Slut. She wore a motorcycle helmet. She was probably one of _them_ – a dyke. Yeah. He hated _them_ worse than regular bitches. He'd make her pay for what she did, and for what the first bitch did too. Suddenly, he felt better at the thought of carving her up.

He managed to drag the second one into the backseat, his shoulder hurting like a son of a bitch and his head starting to feel a little woozy from blood loss. Then he casually drove away with two women as if it were nothing. As he slowly drove from parking lot to parking lot, he saw fire rescue vehicles pulled to one side, their lights flashing. Good. Good. It was a sign. It was time to dump the body. He pulled to the far side and backed up diagonally so his actions at the back of his vehicle wouldn't be seen. He dragged the dead girl out and shoved her under a thorny bush at the side of the building. One down. Then he drove away, the biker chick in the backseat, no one the wiser.

He pulled onto the boulevard and headed for his safe place, his gut relaxing. Soon he'd be able to clean up and bandage himself and then he'd be ready for a good time. He grinned, tingling at the thought. He'd cut the fight right out of that slut.

Cristina groggily started coming to. Every breath was agony. She fought to remember what happened.

_Meredith!_

Cristina looked around, getting that she was in a car. Fear climbed her throat and threatened to choke her. She tried to move, to sit up, to defend herself, but the pain of movement overcame her and she sank back into unconsciousness before she could do anything.

His shoulder was on fire. He needed to bind it, damn it. He pulled his car to the side of the road and shrugged painfully out of his coat. He ripped his shirt off cursing when he realized that lightweight bitch had sliced into it, ruining it. He started to fold it to pad his shoulder and then ice trickled through his veins. He patted his neck down and then the shirt, looking for it. It had to be there. He swore a blue streak and slammed his car in gear. He recklessly U-turned and headed back. That little bitch with the knife had managed to cut off the id tag that he wore corded around his neck, under his coat. It must be there in the parking lot, on the ground, where she'd fought him. He wished he could kill that little cunt all over again.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

He'd gone on the hunt straight from work. He just hadn't been able to wait.

_Damn it! His bad luck had all started with _her_! Dead bitch!_

_**Later:**_

Izzie Stevens tried to explain to Dr. Shepherd that she was sure the rapist had Meredith. The cuts through Meredith's scrubs were just too graphic and scary. But, he was in denial. She knew all about that slippery slope. She'd slid down it many times, so she didn't try to argue with him, she just told him where she was. Izzie stood up straight and looked all around while talking to Shepherd, hoping to find something else that Meredith may have dropped that would give a clue to what had happened to her. She completely ignored the fact that she was contaminating a crime scene. She was reaching down for a stained little knife when she heard muffled cursing from two aisles over.

"... what was that? There's someone there...," Izzie exclaimed into the phone.

"Who's there? Who's there! I called 911! You better get out of here!"

Izzie looked back at the glowing lights of the hospital and then thought about Meredith possibly attacked, possibly being dragged off right this minute. She took a deep breath, put the discarded little knife in her pocket, gripped her open cell phone and her mace tightly, and edged forward. She saw a black SUV with the motor running one row over, with the driver's door open but no one around. Then a bloody woman's hand pressed the back seat window and slid away.

Izzie screamed and ran forward, just in time to avoid the blitz attack from behind. The man cursed wildly and stumbled over Meredith's dropped can of mace, falling to one knee. Shouting for help and screaming retribution, Izzie jerked the car door open and a weak girl in a motorcycle helmet tumbled out onto the pavement. Even in this light, Izzie could see the blood from multiple stab wounds on her back.

Cristina lifted a shaky hand to point and Izzie whirled to face the monster. He was on her before she finished turning. With all her strength she tried to knee him, the way her trailer park tradition demanded, but only managed to catch his thigh. His twisting avoidance of her unexpectedly vicious attack caused him to lose his grip on his knife. He roared profanities and grabbed her by the throat instead, trying to choke the life out of this latest affront. Then he tried to bang her head into the car. Izzie scrabbled at the hands on her throat.

Cristina grabbed Izzie's dropped can of mace rolling on the ground, and tried to climb up the side of the car to help her friend. Then the bastard was ripped away from Izzie and violently crashed against the hood. Izzie coughed and fought to get air in her lungs, as she watched Shepherd and her attacker fight. Shepherd slammed a fist into the man's jaw and ducked to avoid his counter blow.

Izzie screamed through her raw throat and battered head, "He had Cristina in his car! He stabbed her!"

Cristina croaked, "M... Meredith."

Izzie heard her and painfully shouted, "Derek, he has Meredith!"

She ran to search the rest of the car as police cars roared into the lot, sirens blaring, and Kringle and McXerox raced across the lot from the Pit entrance.

At Meredith's name all the fear and frustration and worry in Derek's gut erupted into another huge blow, as he shouted at the man, "Tell me where she is! What have you done to her?!"

Izzie looked in the back of the SUV and cried out, "Derek! There's fresh blood here!"

"That bitch is dead!" the broken man sneered, unable to get away, but still wreaking havoc.

Derek went still and then he gripped the murderer by a nerve plexus and growled, "Where is she?"

His thumb dug in and the man howled and writhed in terrible pain.

"Where is she!"

With his neurosurgeon's understanding of pain receptors being used to cause pain, instead of to heal it, Derek roared, "WHERE IS SHE?!"

The police ran up to grapple with both Shepherd and the rapist and in the confusion, Cristina, with all the single-minded intensity she was famous for, managed to stand, shove Izzie's mace into the handcuffed man's broken face and spray. A huge cloud of mist enveloped his head and caused the officers all around to gasp and cough. One of them grabbed Cristina, who screamed at the rough handling, and crumpled, almost unconscious again.

Izzie ran to her friend and knelt next to her, yelling at the officers, "Get away from her! How could you hurt her?!"

Hospital personnel had boiled out of the entrances and now an emergency team ran up at the same time fire rescue paramedics arrived. The scene was utter chaos and yet it wasn't. Kringle took command of the scene and was shouting orders and controlling the scene.

Derek shouted at Kringle from between the two cops holding him back, "He said he killed Meredith!! Dr. Grey! She's not in the car. Get him to tell you where she is!"

"She's already in the Pit! I just saw her, she's alive!" Kringle yelled back, and then ordered the police holding Derek back to let him go.

"Stevens?!"

"We're good! Go!"

Derek, still in his dark blue scrubs and track shoes, raced across the parking lot towards his girl, in a second, flat out, adrenaline induced run.


	44. Sullens

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 44: Sullens **

Derek raced into the Pit, looking right into bay one and left into bay four, right into bay two and left into bay five.

_Where is she? Where is she?_

Tolliver ducked out of bay six and Derek grabbed him, trying to keep the worry stuffed down.

"Where is she?"

"Dr. Karev took Dr. Grey for an MRI, Dr. Shepherd. Please talk to Dr. Sloan. He's still in the bay writing notes. He can tell you her condition," said Tolliver quickly, motioning Dr. Shepherd in the right direction.

"How is she?" Derek demanded as soon as he saw Sloan.

"Man... Derek, what happened to you? You look like you've been in a fight!" Sloan picked up one of Derek's hands to examine his knuckles, "You're bleeding."

"Never mind that," said Derek impatiently, "How is she?"

"You know she was attacked by the rapist, right?" at Derek's curt nod, Sloan continued, "We don't know about her head injury yet, she's unconscious, but, Derek, she wasn't raped."

Derek sagged against the wall in relief, his face pale and blank now. His knees felt weak, and suddenly he needed to stop for a minute. He rubbed his chest where his fear and worry had lodged. He could actually feel the pain in his hands now. He supposed he needed the ice pack Mark was wrapping around one, but he shoved at Mark irritably. Mark calmly ignored him and continued his first aid, cleaning the wounds on Derek's second hand and bandaging it, before he wrapped it in ice.

"She managed to put up one hell of a fight. The pervert has a broken nose, at least. He cut her a few times. She has major lacerations in her shoulder, her side and under one breast, nothing I can't take care of," Sloan said confidently, "She has massive contusions, of course, and a head injury. We have to see the results of the MRI."

"Who's the neuro consult?" Derek asked.

"Meredith requested Adelmann," Sloan answered.

Derek stared at him, "Adelmann? She asked for Adelmann? She was conscious?"

"Yeah, you should have seen her, Derek, she could hardly stand, covered in blood, and there she was, ordering everyone around the way she wanted them. She had me and Karev and Bailey all paged. She's a bossy bit of goods," he said admiringly.

"Why wasn't I paged when she asked for me?" Derek asked, glancing at his pager again to check if he'd missed a call.

"Well... uh..."

"What?" Derek asked sharply.

"Uh... urm..."

For a womanizer, Mark was a terrible liar, and he couldn't think exactly what to say. Derek could usually see right through him anyway, damn it all.

"Mark! Why wasn't I called?" Derek's indigo black eyes demanded an answer, as hurt crept into his heart.

"She asked us not to. Don't get mad, Derek. She was injured – head injured," Mark tried to alleviate the hurt he saw in Derek's eyes, "You, of all people, know that head injuries make patients act in very peculiar ways. Meredith wanted you with her, of course she did, but she didn't want you called right away. She didn't want you to see what he'd done to her. She was ashamed, because she thought she'd been raped..."

Mark's voice trailed away as Derek's face closed down and he turned from Mark without a word. Derek's pager beeped. He saw that it was Mr. Sandage, of all people, who was paging him from OR 3. Derek ignored the page.

"She needed you, Derek, she just... she was horribly beaten... she looked terrible," Mark tried again.

"She was attacked and her instinct was to what? Hide it from me? Exclude me? Turn to _you_?" Derek's terrible worry and frustration and inability to be everywhere at once, protecting Meredith, was turning into a sullen anger and pain. His gut chilled.

_Oh, God, what am I saying? I need to get to Meredith. Then I won't feel so nuts!_

"Dr. Sloan," called Tolliver from the doorway, "Dr. Yang was also attacked by the rapist and has multiple stab wounds! She's in bay one, she needs you. And they've caught him, sir!"

"What?! Already?"

"They're bringing him in with a broken nose, contusions, and minor cuts. Oh, and he has mace face on his face and chest."

Sloan turned to say something to Derek, but he'd already left. Sloan shrugged. He had work to do.

o-o-o

Alex Karev helped the orderly push the gurney down the hallway. He covered Meredith's face with a corner of the sheet so passers-by couldn't tell who it was. Meredith's little body had finally given out, pushed past all limits by her indomitable will and spirit. She'd watched Mr. Sandage leave to find Shepherd, and she'd crumpled into unconsciousness again, done.

The Pit team, Meredith herself had assembled, swarmed over her. Dr. Karev did a quick pelvic exam to make sure she hadn't been stabbed in the vagina like the other victims, taking swabs as he went. He winced over the terrible bruises already forming across the girl's thighs, hips, and belly. Mercifully, Karev was able to report that Meredith had not been stabbed vaginally and he saw no signs of tearing in her tissue. She'd somehow managed to avoid being raped. Alex sighed in relief. Her horrible wounds were bad enough. Dr. Bailey and Dr. Sloan finally managed to exam her body on all sides making sure they knew the full extent of her injuries. Sloan had the nurses bandage the knife wounds for later repair, and they swiftly readied her for Dr. Adelmann's CT scans and MRI.

It hurt Alex that Mer was hurt. She was just getting on her feet after the whole stepfather, little brother thing. Since he'd known her she'd been hammered repeatedly by life. This time Meredith had been prepared as much as possible for the blow. She'd fought back against terrible odds. She'd managed to get to the Pit. She'd reported to the police and she hadn't succumbed. She'd been incredibly lucky. She'd been a victim but she'd managed to not be a Victim. She was progressing. Alex grimaced. His unconscious, battered, stabbed, frighteningly pale, friend was progressing. He paced, waiting for the MRI.

Alex paced once more and then ducked into the control booth where he was joined by Drs. Adelmann and Bailey. They all stared at the screen as the first images appeared. Adelmann didn't show any reaction at all, except increased concentration, but Alex swore. Bailey stepped back from the screen for a moment. Alex couldn't believe it. After all she'd been through, Meredith's luck had finally run out. Meredith had a subdural hematoma. Adelmann made a low considering sound in his throat. Bailey also pointed out a small bleed and swelling in one of Mer's kidneys.

They'd already found hairline fractures in two of her fingers and in one wrist on the CT. Miraculously her attacker hadn't caused internal bleeding in her abdomen except for the kidney. She had a deep stab wound in one shoulder that would require the best of Dr. Sloan. Her ribs had protected her lungs from the long slice down her side. There was no penetration of the chest cavity. Likewise the stab under her breast was stopped by a rib and seemed to have slid off her body when Meredith twisted away from her attacker.

Alex turned on him, unable to wait for Adelmann's considered opinion of the MRI scan, and said, "What are her chances? Either way, I mean. I need to know."

Adelmann cleared his throat and considered the young man in front of him. He didn't know Karev very well but from what he did know, he wouldn't have expected to see Karev so upset.

"Dr. Karev, it will be Dr. Grey's choice, either way is dangerous. Fifty fifty she'll make it with surgery, fifty fifty the bleed will stop and she'll make it without surgery. You know as well as I do that neither option has a guarantee," Adelmann said calmly and compassionately, "Dr. Grey is still unconscious?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, take her to pre-op... and page Dr. Shepherd," for the first time ever, Dr. Adelmann acknowledged that the young woman on the gurney was his boss's girlfriend, "We'll need a decision and consent."

"I'm here. Consent for what?" Shepherd himself entered the room, scattering them away from the monitor.

He took one look and knew. Every bit of anxiety, worry and fear that had gripped him earlier returned and multiplied ten fold to ravage him. His face paled and blanked but his eyes were stark with anguish.

"Derek..." Miranda Bailey started and then stopped.

What was she supposed to say? Derek was the head of neurosurgery. He knew better than any of them what they were facing. There would be absolutely no soft soaping it. Cold sweat broke out across Derek's brow. He couldn't do it. For an instant all he could think of was that he couldn't face life without her. Not again. No. Adelmann's eyes darkened in commiseration, but before he could speak, Bailey did.

"Derek Shepherd, you stop that!" Bailey exclaimed, "You have that girl gone already! She's still here and we're going to do everything possible to keep it that way. Doctors are the end! Just because you know the worst possible outcome doesn't mean it's going to happen. Now, get your head back on straight, because that girl needs you now, more than ever."

Derek's face had gradually regained some color as Bailey spoke. He nodded now, oddly reassured by Bailey being Bailey. He looked up as the Chief and his wife, Adele, dressed in formal clothes, entered.

"I just heard. Three of my interns attacked! Adele and I got here as soon as we could," said the Chief.

"What? Three? Who else?!" exclaimed Alex, out of the loop.

Bailey addressed him, as well as the others, updating all, "It's still unclear what happened, but Stevens and Yang were also attacked. Stevens just has contusions around her throat. No stab wounds or broken bones. Yang is in the Pit. She has several stab wounds in the back. Dr. Sloan and his resident are taking care of her. I had Burke paged. He was off duty."

"What the hell!" Karev looked through the window at the still form in the MRI machine and back at Bailey, "They have to catch this guy."

"They did," stated Derek grimly.

Everyone looked at him and then at his bandaged hands.

"Shep?"

"The rapist is also in the Pit. Apparently, the girls took a stab at him too. I could have told him it was stupid to take on a pack of interns," Dr. Bailey sniffed.

Webber was looking at the MRI display in worry, "What's the plan now for Dr. Grey?"

Alex felt his blood run cold as all the doctors began contributing opinions on which course of treatment to follow. Surgery or waiting seemed to be the debate. He stepped back against the wall, since the doorway was blocked. He glanced at Shepherd, who now looked as sick as he felt. Shepherd gazed longingly at the tiny form in the machine. Alex remembered their quiet conversation in the back of the chapel, after Meredith had found out that her stepfather couldn't remember her. Shepherd had told him that Meredith was the love of his life, he was here to stay. Meredith loved Shepherd too. Alex and Meredith had been buddies through Meredith's separation from Derek, so he knew very well how she felt. But... she'd told him to use the paper. It was time to step forward and use it... damn the torpedoes... full steam ahead.

"Sir," Dr. Karev said to Dr. Webber who was insisting that they take Meredith into surgery immediately as her best option, "I disagree. Dr. Grey will wait. We'll hope that the bleed stops of its own accord. No surgery. That's the option we're taking."

"Karev... what did you say?" Derek stared at him.

There was a stunned silence in the room. Then sound broke out from everyone but Derek and Alex again. Alex waited until they'd wound down and then spoke, mainly to Bailey, who'd been demanding to know when he'd gotten so big for his britches that he thought he could talk to the Chief of Surgery like that.

"I don't mean to sound disrespectful, Dr. Bailey, but I have legal power of attorney for medical decisions for Meredith Grey, when she is unconscious – not you, not Dr. Shepherd and not the Chief. Patricia has a copy of the paper on file. Look it up," Alex took a deep breath and squared his jaw, "And I say no surgery. She's been through enough. Her body can't take one more assault. She used everything she had to get this far."

Everyone stared between Shepherd and Karev and back again. Derek felt his lips go numb along with most of his heart and brain. What had Meredith done?

"She asked _you_ to do this?" Derek asked Karev in an even tone, "_Not_ me."

"Yes, sir," Alex said manfully.

"When?" Derek could barely get the word out through his frozen lips.

"After the bomb, after the incident with O'Malley. She had no one else. Everyone had either abandoned her or turned against her. You chose Addison. Even after the bomb, you still chose the vagina regina. Mer had hoped maybe you'd... Well... Then Meredith said she watched Sloan sit in the bar all night, waiting, the way she'd waited for you, like a dirty mistress... It... hurt her.

"On top of that, right around the same time, Meredith went to see her father for the first time in over twenty years. He made her stay in the dark and the rain outside, never inviting her in... Her mother... is her mother. You know. She came unglued in the nursing home when Meredith mentioned going to see her dad and slapped her across the face. Guiseppe wasn't in the picture and hadn't been for years. All that hurt her too.

"Then, O'Malley was a whiny baby and turned against her, along with Izzie. Even Yang took O'Malley's side. There was no one left but me."

Alex gave a bitter laugh at their stunned silence, "I know, I know. Me. Not really a good choice. Meredith was freaked out by the bomb. She insisted on getting all her affairs in order. In case anything ever did happen to her, she wanted everything arranged for her mother. She made a will, and a living will. She gave me the medical consent. She even conned me into going with her to pick out funeral plans for her mom and herself. That's all. She said she was glad I was there."

Karev looked down then, away from his superiors' eyes and back at the still, slight form, under the sheet.

"I'm glad I was there too."

Alex looked into Derek's tear filled, tormented eyes, and said, "She's counting on me... So... no surgery."

Derek made an agonized sound and headed for the door shouldering through all the people in his way.

"Derek," Adele grabbed his forearm, "her decision was made months ago, before you were together again. Don't... don't take it so hard."

"I have to go, Adele," Derek gasped, "I can't stay here."

They stood in the hallway and watched Derek run for the stairs. Alex shook his head. That girl had abysmal luck. Shepherd hadn't even waited to see her. Alex headed into the chamber to move Meredith into pre-op, just in case.

o-o-o

Derek ran down the stairs gasping for breath. This time instead of running towards Meredith, he ran away from her. His breath burned his lungs. His one thought was to get outside, away, where he could breathe. He'd heard Meredith say things like that before but he'd never really understood it. A dark foreboding crept over him, extending its oily tentacles everywhere. He was stuck once again, helpless, impotent, while Meredith looked death in the eye for the second time tonight. Meredith herself had made it impossible to do anything for her, to take any action, to help her in any way. She was on her own, in a void, healing or dying by herself. Derek wrapped his arms around his chest, trying to hold his pain in.

Shepherd slammed into Burke at high speed in the vestibule. Burke grabbed him, keeping him from falling. The men spun in a circle, from the force of the impact.

"Cristina?! Is she okay? Was she... ?"

Derek realized that Burke was in the same position he'd been in just moments before, wondering if his girlfriend had been raped. Derek watched him stop, gather himself and pull it together as hard as he could. The dark tentacle around his own throat let go just enough for him to speak to Burke.

"She probably wasn't raped, Burke. I don't think he had the time. She still had her helmet on... so no head injury. She was stabbed shallowly, in the back," Derek told him as clearly as he could, "apparently after the rapist had already tangled with Meredith, so his blows were probably attenuated. It was Stevens. She managed to save Cristina."

Derek paused, realizing he still didn't know exactly what had happened to Meredith. How had she ended up in the Pit?

"The bastard had her in his car," he said to himself as much as to Burke – then, "Sloan's with her."

"She's going to be alright," Burke said it in a cross between a question and a prayer.

"I think so, but you need to talk to Sloan."

Derek turned away again into the dreary endless night.

"Shepherd? Meredith? She was there too? How is she?" Burke's relief made him finally aware of Derek's pain.

"She wasn't wearing a helmet like Cristina. She's lacerated too... and broken... and contused... and brain injured. She may not make it. She... may die."

Derek stared into the night, not bothering to look back at Burke.

"And she never asked for me...," he muttered under his breath.

"What... what do you need?" Burke asked.

Derek turned then and smiled a ghastly smile at him.

"Go take care of Dr. Yang... make sure she's okay. And be sure and check on Dr. Stevens. She was hurt too."

Derek pushed through the doors and stepped outside into the night. The bracing air and drizzle slapped his face, shocking him, and waking him up.

_What the hell was he going to do?_


	45. A Dream of Love

_**This substory of **_**Dreams of Love**_** is my answer to the ferryboat arc, and aftermath, in S3, which I disliked intensely. I want the substory to be a huge event affecting everyone. It draws on a lot of points that I thought I'd mention here.**_

_**Meredith and Derek have to be the center, of course. (They are the stars and the main ship that peeps watch the show for, regardless of Shonda Rhimes' Idiocy.) In **_**The Slave**_**, I'd already had Meredith take self defense lessons with Alex, planning for this moment. And the rape victim from GA S1, Allison, has always stayed with me – one of my favorite episodes. Also, that lonely time Mer had after the bomb and the MerGe was awful and still affects Mer, because it still affects me, so that is included. **_

_**Meredith was the center, but I didn't want her to be the big VICTIM like on the show. Meredith is not the only woman who was attacked, so it's not all about slamming her. Meredith was going to be victimized, but so was Cristina and Izzie and Derek and all the other women. They weren't going to be Victims though. Every one of them had to fight back even if it was just in surviving. They all did their best. **_

_**There had to be something terrible happening, to throw Meredith so completely off kilter, she wouldn't be on guard in the parking lot, so the lucid, awful Ellis surfaced. And peeps needed to get Ellis on a real level. I have a hard time with all the Ellis worship, when she was an awful mother.**_

_**Derek is pushing for a home and marriage and a family with Meredith. So, now he gets to look at every level of himself and Meredith and his commitment to Meredith. She gets to do the same. They get to be in an adult relationship, where a spouse sets aside his own crap so he can be there for his partner no matter what, in sickness and in health. He has to get who Meredith really is and who he really is. In **_**Acts**_** and **_**Dreams**_** he's been there for Meredith. He's stood up and been counted. Now he'll be forced to dig deep, proving himself one last time, when things are the worst they can be. Thus the story came about.**_

_**Meredith saved herself, Cristina saved Meredith, Izzie saved Cristina, Derek saved Izzie, Alex has the chance to save Meredith, and so does Derek. Mark saves all the girls in his way. Meredith, by trying to cut the attacker and slicing off his ID tag instead, even though she missed his jugular, saves Cristina and subsequent potential rape victims. Burke and Derek have the same worry and fear over their girlfriends being hurt. They can support each other. So there is not one person taking the brunt of the hit.**_

_**The whole group goes through the trauma together and they'll all have scars from it. Hopefully, they'll all be much closer from it too – not all single, not separate, as the show's S3 finale made them. That's how I want my season three, and possibly my take on Grey's Anatomy as a whole, my **_**Acts of Love**_** and **_**Dreams of Love**_** fanfiction of season three to end.**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 45: A Dream of Love **

The salty, water laden wind whipped around the surgical wing of Seattle Grace Hospital and slapped Derek Shepherd in the face. How had everything in his world gone so dark all of a sudden? Just yesterday (was it only yesterday?) he and the woman he loved had laughed over her desire for five bathrooms in the new house. Today, she lay on a gurney with her head bashed in, fighting to live, after God knew what she'd been through in the parking lot. And, this was after she'd spent the day enduring Ellis Grey in lucid slasher mode. He'd recognized a look on Meredith's face, in her mom's room, as the look her friends called 'dark and twisty'. He had thought that look was gone for good. But now...

Pain burst in his chest and made it hard to breathe. He frantically wrapped both arms around his chest, hugging himself against the agony of desperate worry and fear, pain and rejection. Meredith was so tiny and frail. She'd already been through so much. How much more could one little person endure?

Derek knew Meredith believed unconscious patients knew what went on around them at some level. He knew the others upstairs thought he was a jerk for leaving, but he couldn't let Meredith see or feel him this way. When he went to her, he needed to be focused only on her and her needs, capable of giving her complete support, not wallowing in his own immature sullens. It was time for Derek to give up and get over the last dark, ugly, stupid, spoiled, and weak part of his character that prevented him from being the man Meredith deserved. It was time he grew up, once and for all.

He'd take a minute to purge his system, and then he had to go back. Derek let his feelings erupt from harsh control into a convulsive emotional vomit. It was time to get it out.

Meredith was alone in the dark depths. She'd been terribly battered over and over, emotionally and physically. Then, alone, she'd done everything she could to take care of herself and others, in spite of her wounds. Derek tried to absorb the reality of that. He knew this kind of thing had happened to her before, but it was all supposed to be in the past, not here in the present, not with him. Meredith was supposed to be safe now. He was supposed to keep her safe, and somehow he'd failed.

_Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Help me be what she needs. _

He was supposed to be her knight in shining whatever. She wasn't supposed to be fighting for her life again, without him. His calm, controlled world turned upside down. Helpless anger followed the pain, and a growling moan actually left his lips as he paced furiously under the entry overhang in the drizzling dark.

Derek Shepherd had led a charmed life. He had a big family that loved and supported him. His father had died when Derek was young, but he'd had a loving mother, and many sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles to fill in the gap. He'd aced college and medical school with little effort, welcoming every challenge. He'd even easily managed to get more than enough financial aid for a free ride. Sure, he waited tables for a while for extra cash, but no big deal.

Mark Sloan had been his best friend his whole life, and he'd always had plenty of other friends and girlfriends. He'd specialized in Neuro and excelled. He'd married a beautiful, talented woman, to the envy of many of his friends. Yes, his marriage and his practice had become lackluster and dull, both boring him, but nothing even approaching traumatic had happened to him for years. He had money, education, friends, family, prestige, respect, and a lucrative career to disguise his life's creeping mediocrity. He'd taken it all for granted.

Then his wife and best friend had betrayed him by having sex together in his bed. It was the only serious moment in his adult life that was out of his control. His anger and pain, humiliation and betrayal, were all the more potent because he'd been coasting with blinders on for so long.

The upheaval made him question everything. How had his life devolved to mediocrity? When had it happened? When had his wife become so dissatisfied with their marriage that she turned to another man? What had happened to their communication? When had his apathetic treatment of his wife and his life signaled to Mark that he could encroach across all boundaries, to that extent, without consequences? Mark had been genuinely surprised that Derek was so hurt and angry.

Derek couldn't tolerate Addison, Mark, his family, his partners, New York – anything – anymore. He'd wanted the heights back. He'd wanted to explore the frontiers of neurosurgery again. He'd wanted to find his soul mate. He'd wanted great sex, not lukewarm half heartedness. He'd wanted enough of it to satisfy his healthy libido, for once in his life. He'd wanted challenges and something different. He'd wanted to give up mediocrity. He'd also wanted to reown all the aspects of his life that he'd conceded to Addison's or his sisters' coercion. He wanted to be a father and he wanted a real home surrounded by natural beauty, away from the city. He'd needed to reclaim and reset his life.

So, that is exactly what he did. He moved to Seattle, pushed the reset button, and it all went his way again. Once again he got everything he wanted with the minimum of fuss or effort. Of course, he blipped over Addison a second time, but that was his choice, not forced on him, and soon over. He'd wanted Meredith back after that, and he got her back. In less than a year he was at the top of the neurosurgery game again. His residents had already improved by leaps and bounds. His department was almost in order. He was well on his way to solidifying his bid for Chief of Surgery when Webber retired six or seven years from now. In that time he could make the final decision if he even wanted to go the administrative route. It might be more fun to teach or travel or stay in the OR. He wanted to keep his options wide open.

Meredith was the love of his life, and he'd found her immediately he arrived in Seattle. His soul recognized hers as its mate. Unfortunately, his mind couldn't comprehend that right away, and he followed what logic and duty said he must. In spite of his stupidity in trying to raise a corpse, Meredith had forgiven him for abandoning her. He hadn't known her history when he started trying to get her back. Now that he did, he appreciated how lucky he was that she'd even given him the time of day, the second time around. Derek's life was still charmed.

But, tonight, his charmed world was shattered when the brutal assault of a serial rapist and murderer left his woman battling with death, her friends bruised and bleeding, and him traumatized and impotent, unable to help the one person he loved the most. Worry and fear unlike any he'd ever known had caused him to actually use his healing skills to torture a man. He shuddered and was nearly ripped in two by conflicting riptides of pain. His emotions had ricocheted crazily when he'd thought Meredith raped, and then dead, and then fine. When he'd actually found her stabbed and beaten and unconscious, red rage had risen in him unlike anything he'd ever known before. He'd wanted to murder that murderer in the Pit. He'd had to utilize every bit of the massive self control he used in the OR to prevent himself from behaving recklessly. He'd managed to still himself and breathe while pain throbbed through his system.

Meredith, herself, had made it worse by seemingly not needing him – even rejecting him. He knew that nothing he did could save her. He had no power, no choice, no role. His male pride and ego were bruised. His sense of self, of control, of importance, indeed, his sense of who he was to Meredith, were all savaged. He was lost. For only the second time in his adult life, the rug was pulled out from under him and he reeled unsteadily.

Derek paced and ignored the repeated pages from Mr. Sandage. He knew he needed to get it together so he could be what he should be before he saw Meredith. He admitted to himself he was a sullen idiot. He was like a spoiled kid sometimes. He wanted what he wanted, how he wanted it. With Meredith, that wasn't always how it worked. Look at her choosing Plastics, when he really wanted her in Neuro. He knew, even though she said she'd think about it, that she would probably pick Plastics. She was determined to do what was best for her, not just do something to please him, even though he was a pouty idiot.

_Damn it. Get over it. Grow up._

Meredith had given him everything she could. Why was he so crazy with raw negative emotions now? She'd loved him, accepted him, and forgiven him. She satisfied every sexual urge he had and then some. She supported his communication with his family and even with Mark. When he'd asked her to, she'd courageously uncovered her old scars from the Swiss boarding school, and shown them to him. She worked constantly to overcome the crippling mom training she'd had all her life. What did it matter that she didn't always succeed? Still aching from the vicious slashes Ellis had given him in just ten minutes of contact today, Derek finally had an inkling of just how much of a mountain Meredith had to climb daily.

Derek crossed his arms tight over his chest again and stared into the black night.

_Meredith, please..._

"Dr. Shepherd, Bernice, the coffee lady, told me you were here. Please, sir, come inside, out of the cold and damp. I need to speak to you and it's too much for an old man like me outside," Mr. Sandage urged.

Derek reluctantly followed the old gentleman inside to the lobby chairs and only then realized how cold he'd grown. Mr. Sandage nodded to Bernice. She bustled over to them, bringing espresso for Derek and hot tea for Mr. Sandage. Then she hesitated, wringing her hands.

"Dr. Shepherd... we... the other vendors and me, want to say how sorry we are that Dr. Grey is hurt, sir. We wish both of you the best," Bernice finally managed to say before she fled back to her kiosk.

Derek nodded. It was the best he could do. He held the cup in his hands, eager for the warmth, and sipped. Heat spread through his chilled insides and he sighed gratefully.

"Dr. Shepherd, I promised Dr. Grey that I would bring you to her. She needs you. You have to go to her."

Derek's heart leapt, "I know. Meredith needs me?"

He was both stating a fact and asking for reassurance.

"Of course she does. What in the world?! You're everything to that girl, you know that," Mr. Sandage suppressed his own terrible worry for the young woman he loved like a granddaughter to help her man. The rapist had managed to wound his victims' loved ones terribly too. He could almost see Derek's heart bleeding.

"She called Zachary in Italy for help, Mr. Sandage. A little boy, half way around the world, not me and not the police," the words burst out of Derek.

He felt inane, but needed any perspective Mr. Sandage could give him.

"She asked for Sloan and Adelmann in the Pit and she gave Alex Karev medical power of attorney. There's nothing for me to ..."

Derek's voice trailed away.

"Ah," said Sandage, nodding, "I see."

"What do you mean? What do you see?"

"Dr. Shepherd, if that girl had waited even one second, for anyone, even you, to save her, she'd be raped and possibly dead," Mr. Sandage said gently, "She's your girl, so small and feminine, but she's also a surgeon, with a lot of gumption. She used everything inside of her, everything that will one day make her a great surgeon, to fight hard today. She stood her ground against both her mother and the rapist. You can be so proud of her."

Derek looked up from his cup, his eyes sheened with tears and said, "I am proud of her, but she ... she was alone again. I promised her ... she wasn't alone anymore, yet when that animal attacked her, she was. I wasn't there for her and she made sure I can't be there for her now."

"Yes, she saved herself and she caused that man to be caught. But, you're wrong. Dr. Grey wasn't alone. Not this time. She had you with her every step of the way. Forgive yourself for not being with her physically, and understand that you live in her heart and soul. You gave her strength."

Derek's brows knitted together, and some of the hot mixture of grief, guilt and pain pressuring his chest drained away.

"She's all used up now. Dr. Karev is right about that. I saw her use her last spark to make sure the police had that terrible man's description. She needs you now, Dr. Shepherd. She needs you now more than ever."

Two tears trailed down Derek's hollow cheeks. Mr. Sandage prayed for the wisdom and the words to help him.

"She didn't act the way a fantasy girl would, helplessly waiting to be rescued. She acted the way a true, strong woman – a mate for you, a match for you, would act – maybe should act. Don't you dare penalize her for being more than you thought she was," Mr. Sandage's voice held both conviction and anger.

Derek glanced down, away from the old man's wise, bitter sweet chocolate eyes.

"At a time like this, our women don't need us to be make believe, fantasy knights. They need us to be their men ... adults ... present ... stable ... faithful and hopeful, never letting our love waver. They need us to support them in being the strongest women they can be. Marriage doesn't mean dependence, Dr. Shepherd. It means interdependence; you can rely on her as much as she can rely on you. She's worthy.

"Trust her, man. Trust that in the past she did the best she could. Trust that when faced with a serial rapist/ murderer she did the best she could again. Trust that she had her own reasons, maybe incomprehensible to you and me, but important to her, for not wanting you to see her right away.

"She loves you. Do you doubt it?" Mr. Sandage shook his head at Derek, when he opened his mouth to protest, "No, I know you don't."

"She loves you, and you love her so much you shine with it. So, you're not perfect. So, you're not living a dream of love, but the real thing, where bad things happen. So, you have negative baloney swirling through your thoughts. I certainly have experienced a lot of that myself in fifty four years of marriage with my Lorraine. It's time to set it all aside and just love her. You're worthy of her, too."

Mr. Sandage's tired eyes were filled with all the compassion in the world. Derek felt his childish, pouty sullens vanish. He dropped his expectations of how Meredith should be, and loved both her and himself enough to accept them both just as they were. He took himself off the hook. He wasn't responsible for the attack, or what happened. Meredith wasn't at fault either. They'd just been caught up in a psycho's murderous web, and both of them did the best they could. His world stabilized. He could be what she needed now. He could be his higher destiny, not his low level nonsense. He could be the man she deserved.

Derek and Mr. Sandage stood. Derek wrapped his arms convulsively around the old man and tears of relief ran down his face. Mr. Sandage grunted from the young man's tight grip. He patted Derek's back and smiled. He knew that though most of the time the doctor had all the answers for everyone, professionally; he couldn't be expected to have all the answers, all the time, personally. No one could. Dr. Shepherd was going to be alright. Now, Mr. Sandage had to turn his attention to Dr. Grey.


	46. Breathe With Me

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 46: Breathe With Me**

Derek's normally extremely steady neurosurgeon's hand hesitated and trembled as he brushed a flyaway strand of honey gold hair from Meredith's bruised forehead. She was still and pale, her eye swollen black and blue from the blow to her cheekbone, her face slack. Karev and the nurses had propped her up on her side so that they could expose the field of injury on Meredith's body for Dr. Sloan's expert ministrations. Nurse Tyler had washed the blood from her hair and Alex had stitched her scalp laceration closed, using everything Sloan had taught him. While Alex was closing the lac, Tyler and Debbie had gone ahead and washed the rest of Meredith's body. It wasn't protocol, but the nurses thought she'd want that man's creepy serial rapist/ killer hands washed off of her as soon as possible. In addition to the medication in her IVs, they placed cold packs on her thighs, back, hips, and face to help reduce the swelling and pain. Tyler meticulously timed the packs, applying them fifteen to twenty minutes out of every hour. Ortho had braced her wrist and hand in a temporary splint, ready to cast when she awoke. Tyler went ahead and cold packed her hand too.

Pain skewered Derek's heart and worry clouded his mind as he pressed his lips gently, over and over, to the edges of Meredith's mouth and the unbruised side of her jaw. He gently framed her face with both hands, using no pressure at all. He breathed in the scent that was only Meredith and felt comforted for a moment. She slowly inhaled and he fancifully imagined Meredith was comforted by his scent too. Their lips touched again and they breathed together.

"Breathe with me, pretty girl. I love you so much, please... breathe with me forever," Derek's soul-felt words were a mere whisper of sound between their sensitive lips.

A tear glistened on his eyelid, but didn't fall. Meredith seemed so tiny and frail, spotlighted in the brilliant light Sloan and Karev needed to smoothly close her wounds. Contusions were blooming dark purple, all over her body, minute by minute. She'd been badly beaten, and Derek had to force himself not to think of each blow she'd taken. The tear trembled for a moment and then trickled down the path the others had taken.

Alex Karev, looking at Shepherd's haggard face, forgave him the time he'd taken. The man looked like death warmed over. His black curls were sweat soaked and his teeth chattered with the chill of shock. Alex had to look away from the naked love and agony, hope and despair mixed on Shepherd's face. It was far too personal to witness.

"Der ... ek, you know ... I will," Meredith's eyelids fluttered and parted to reveal a clear light green.

"Hey, welcome back," Derek said tenderly, touching his lips, soft as a butterfly's wings to her swollen left eye, "I missed you."

"I ... missed you ... too ... love," her voice was a breath of sound only.

She weakly tried to shift her body.

"Whoa, Genie Eyes. No moving. Not yet. Sloan has to finish your side still," Alex said quickly, holding her in place.

Mark, precisely and almost invisibly seaming Meredith's flesh, murmured teasingly, softly, to the barely conscious girl, "You're just in time, Meredith, I'm starting under your breast. Are you sure you don't want a double D cup while I'm at it?"

Derek looked up to rebuke him, but then saw the ghost of a smile cross Meredith's lips. She liked Mark and Alex, and whether Derek liked it or not, God willing, Meredith would get well and join their team. His petty jealousy over Plastics or Neuro seemed so ... well ... petty. Derek would tolerate a lot to see that tiny smile on Meredith's face again.

"I've decided you can join my team in Plastics if you want, little mistress. I need a surgeon on my team who wields a knife like you do," Sloan said admiringly, but this time Mer's brow puckered with a slight frown at his quip.

She was unsettled by the reminder.

"C ... c ... c ... cold."

Derek gently rubbed her arm with a warm hand, and then covered her arm and shoulder with the edge of the thin hospital blanket, tucking it under. He asked Tyler for another blanket for her arms and one for her legs.

"I know, sweetheart. Tyler's using cold packs on your bruises."

"Then ... I ... must be ... one big bruise."

She really was. Derek glanced down the table at Sloan and Karev. The three of them dwarfed Meredith. Even lying on her side she barely raised the sheet off the table. He smiled sadly. How in the world had his petite girl fought off a serial rapist/ murderer? It was a miracle. He knew it before, but now it dawned on him anew how lucky they were that she hadn't been raped or murdered. Gratitude flooded him, until a terrible, insidious inner voice ended the thought with the word, "... yet." He closed his eyes for a moment and shoved the dark voice down with all his strength.

"I'm ... sorry ... Derek. So ... sorry," Meredith's shame flooded back to her as she remembered the attack in detail, "I ... tried to fight. I ... really did. I ... just wasn't good enough ... worthless ... a nothing ... like Mom said."

Alex and Mark both paused and looked up at her faint words. Derek's face blanched with pain. Ellis ... he'd forgotten about Ellis. Meredith had taken a beating from her too.

"Sh, sh. Meredith you did fight. That psychotic didn't rape you. And even if he had ... it would have been on him, not you! I don't know how you managed it, but you held him off. And Meredith ... I hate to be the one to tell you this ... in fact, I'm sure it's complete news to you, but – your mother has an evil mouth. There is something seriously wrong with that woman and it isn't Alzheimer's," Derek kissed Meredith's thin hand and then her unbruised cheek again, while Mark and Alex smirked and went back to their job, "She's the one who wasn't good enough ... a hateful woman ... and a worthless mother."

"But, Derek ... that man ... he ... he ...," Meredith tried to form a sentence, but her brain was still addled and splintered with pain.

"Hush, don't try to speak. You need to save your strength to get well, my pretty girl," Derek murmured.

"Not so pretty any more, if I ever was," tears pitifully leaked from the corners of Meredith's eyes, "I know I look awful."

"No, baby, you still look like the beautiful love of my life. Nothing will ever change that. You just feel awful, but we're making you well again," Derek promised her, with an adoring look.

Derek caressed Meredith's slim arm. He hated seeing her so weak and hurt. His fingers traced beseeching patterns on her smooth, cool skin, silently asking her to heal. The coolness of her skin bothered him. The blankets weren't helping much.

"You're so cold, honey. I'll warm you up," he whispered, trying to keep the worry and fear out of his voice.

He reminded himself he needed to be strong for her. But, the bleed in her brain could even now be increasing. These might be the last few minutes he had with Meredith ... no ... no. He struggled not to think that way. It would stop and reduce on its own. He knew it. Nothing else was possible.

"Your feet must be freezing if your arms are this cold," Derek murmured to her, and stood and walked around the table.

He stroked Meredith's bare, frozen feet and pressed them under his shirts to his warm belly. Her feet felt like blocks of solid ice. He caught his breath at the memory of her pressing her cold feet against him in bed the last couple of nights. They'd been so happy then. Their worries seemed so minor now.

He rubbed her bare legs, below her knees, briskly. At least she wasn't bruised there. Tyler removed a cold pack from Meredith's thigh and put one on her hip. Derek held Mer's slim feet and watched Mark Sloan continue his work with a smooth, even rhythm, that Alex tried to emulate.

Alex was perspiring under the intense lights as Mark Sloan and he worked on closing the terrible wounds on Meredith Grey's side and under her breast. They'd already finished the deep stab wound in her shoulder. Alex concentrated fiercely, trying not to second guess the decision he'd made about Meredith's care. Her little body was so fragile now. She had to be okay, she just had to. He, a surgeon, had chosen not to cut... What if he'd made the wrong decision? The Chief of Surgery disagreed with him... What if Meredith died? What if ...? Alex shook it off and focused on assisting Sloan again. He had to trust his first instinct. He knew he was right. He had to ignore the scared man at his side, his battered friend on the table, as well as the haunting doubts in his head, to do his job.

"How does it look, Mark?" Derek finally asked Sloan in a hoarse voice, hugging Meredith's feet.

Sloan glanced up at him, and paused in taking micro sutures. He glanced at Meredith's face and realized the pain meds had made her drift away again.

"She should have very little scarring. It was long and deep in two places, but I'm confident she'll heal well. Her shoulder will need rehab. There was extensive muscle damage," Mark said very softly and calmly, "She's a very lucky girl, compared to his other victims."

"And Yang? How's she?" Derek got out.

"She has three shallow stab wounds in her back. I took care of them. None were bad. The kicks to her hips and legs were pretty terrible but I don't think he kicked her in the gut. She's in MRI now. Apparently, your little girlfriend had already stabbed him in his shoulder, sliced across his chest, and broken his nose," he shook his head in disbelieving admiration, "Then Yang head butted him with her helmet. She may have cracked his rib or caused him to have internal bleeding. All that attenuated his blows on Yang."

Mark's work was almost invisible, even and precise, even as he talked.

"And Stevens managed to scratch the hell out of him. Damn, those girls were something else! All three of them mopped the floor with that jerk. They're different, these women," Mark said admiringly as he smoothed Meredith's cut flesh, "That asshole didn't stand a chance. Did you know Meredith carried a knife? I still can't believe she charged that son of a bitch."

_Please, Meredith, I need you so much. You've already fought so hard ... just a little more._

Derek slowly nodded. He rubbed her legs gently. Her frozen feet were thawing against his abdomen. His insides quaked with the transferred chill from Meredith, heaped on top of the icy core of fear in his gut. His lips were turning blue and trembling.

"Yes ... I saw her use it for the first time when we were on vacation in Napa," Derek said softly, and then pressed his lips together.

He remembered watching Meredith whip out her knife and cut open the balloon accident victim's shirt so she could defibrillate him. She'd been so brave then. She'd been beyond brave today. In spite of Ellis and Thatcher Grey, Meredith Grey was a nonpareil. She really was. As Mr. Sandage said, he was proud of her.

Proud and worried, he wiped his face with his sleeve, drying his chapped face, still holding Mer's feet to him. Then, suddenly exhausted, Derek pulled a chair over and sat, laying his face against his love's slim feet. His sensitive surgeon's fingertips gently stroked her arches and he pressed his lips to the tops of her feet. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the table, waiting for Mark to finish.

_For the love of God, let him finish soon._

"I can believe she did it," said Alex ruefully, "I've seen her use that knife before too."

He knew all about that little knife. Meredith had used it against him in their Race more than once. And he knew she had more courage than most people thought. He'd had first hand experience of it.

"She told me, once, she's carried it since she was a teenager," Alex said musingly, glancing again at Meredith's still features.

"Hm. Well, they're going to have to take that murderer up to MRI, too. He may actually have internal bleeding," Sloan snorted, and shrugged, not disturbed in the least by the prospect.

o-o-o

After Dr. Sloan and Dr. Karev finished their work, Adelmann examined Meredith again. He spoke soothingly as he delicately and thoroughly examined her, just as he had to the other victims. Meredith was almost magically reassured and calmed by the fat, little man, with the gentle touch. He ordered another MRI to check the bleed. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they saw it hadn't increased in size. Karev may have been right.

Derek felt like Meredith had graduated somehow when they settled her in a room next to pre-op rather than leave her on the surgical floor, so she could have more privacy. Sloan took his leave, but Alex stayed. He needed to see Meredith in the clear.

"How is she?" asked Izzie from the door, pushing Cristina in a wheelchair.

"Take me over there, Izzie," Cristina directed bossily, even though her voice was hazy with exhaustion, shock, and pain killers.

Derek looked up in surprise. Then winced at the darkening bruises around Izzie's throat and at the lump on the side of her head, where her attacker had banged it into his car. Then he winced again at Cristina's bruises, IV bag, and small, bandaged body wrapped in three patient gowns and a thin intern blanket. Mr. Sandage, looking grey and tired, slowly walked in behind the abused women and immediately sought a chair. It was very late, and he was almost at the end of his endurance. As Alex gave them the update on Meredith, Izzie crossed the room and parked Cristina at the head of the table, opposite Derek.

"Yang, you need to be in bed," said Derek, stating the obvious, "You too, Stevens. We'll let you know if there are any changes. I can't believe Burke let you out of his sight. What was he thinking?"

"Burke and the Chief went to find out what happened to security in the lot tonight," Izzie smirked, "Apparently the guard for that lot was drunk on duty and passed out in his vehicle. Anyway, Cristina pretended she was asleep and as soon as they left, we escaped."

"Don't even think of busting me to Burke," Cristina growled at Tyler, who was lifting a phone receiver, "Meredith needs me."

"I'm glad you're here Cristina. Alex ... told me what ... you and Izzie did. Thank you," said Meredith simply, exhausted and drifting.

Derek and Cristina's eyes met over Meredith. Neither had ever really liked the other. Derek had tolerated Yang, and Cristina had endured Shepherd, both for Meredith's sake only. But tonight things were different. Derek knew that Yang had risked her own life to save her friend, the love of his life. It was most likely her intervention that had saved Meredith from being raped or killed. Cristina knew that it was Shepherd (and Stevens) that had saved her from certain rape and murder. They were both humbled by the knowledge. They both loved Meredith and now there was enough room in both their hearts for them to accept that Meredith loved and needed both of them. Derek pressed a kiss to the corner of Meredith's mouth again, and Cristina covered Meredith's hand with hers.

"Cristina! What are you doing out of bed? I've been looking everywhere for you," Burke was seriously upset, "Stevens, what are the two of you doing?"

"We're checking on Meredith, Dr. Burke. Cristina needs to be here and so do I," Izzie answered, when Cristina simply ignored her fiancé.

Even Izzie's eyes now had dark circles under them, and her natural effervescence was completely flattened. Before Burke could say anything else, Derek shrugged and ordered Tyler and Alex to have another bed brought into Meredith's room for Cristina. She needed to be in bed too, and he didn't want anyone to fight her over it. Burke saw Cristina settled, nodded to Shepherd, and went home for a few hours sleep. Alex and Izzie and Mr. Sandage tiredly left together to find an on-call room. All of them asked to be called if there were any changes.

Meredith and Cristina both slept quietly. Derek, alone now with his thoughts, kicked off his shoes and carefully climbed in bed with her, trying not to jostle her. Tyler layered extra blankets on the couple and another on Dr. Yang.

"Tyler," Dr. Shepherd said with soft intensity, "Dr. Grey is the love of my life. One day I'm going to marry her."

"Yes sir," Tyler acknowledged the claim, as he had once before.

Somehow, having a witness at Grace made it official. Meredith had to get well now. Tyler lowered the lights further for them and moved on to his next patient, feeling as if he were involved in something sacred again.


	47. Sally

Dreams of Love

Chapter 47: Sally

Derek jerked awake when Meredith moaned in pain. Because of the head injury they weren't able to give her the heaviest of pain killers. It broke his heart to see tears trickling down her bruised face in her sleep. He rose from the armchair Tyler had brought him at some point (so he didn't keep disturbing Meredith climbing in and out of her bed) and gently kissed her cheek, trying not to wake her.

He turned on the low light next to the bed and read through Meredith's chart. Then he did his own neurological and basic exam as he had every fifteen minutes since Sloan was through with her. She was holding her own. His almost unbearable tension relaxed slightly and he drew a deep breath, rubbing at the crick in his neck.

He turned to Cristina's chart and read through it. She'd become feverish in the predawn hours in spite of the IV antibiotics. He'd changed her script when her fever spiked. Both girls had been given HART anti-virals to guard against AIDs and HIV infection so Derek was concerned that Cristina was having a poor reaction to that.

Now he noticed her vitals were steadily improving, so he didn't bother to examine her again. He'd already checked on her several times through the pre-dawn hours. It was best for her to sleep now. She'd awakened every time he'd examined her before, but had said very little, for once letting herself be the patient, more for his sake, than for hers. Every time Tyler changed bandages, Shepherd helped. Cristina was stabbed saving Meredith's life and he would never forget that. She could easily have been raped or killed herself. Both women were so petite and physically outclassed by the psycho, Derek shuddered.

"Derek..." Meredith moaned.

"I'm here, honey," he said, moving next to her bed where she could see him.

"It hurts," she whimpered, waking from the pain, and unable to turn on any side to ease it.

She just went from one set of bruises and cuts to the next and her head throbbed unrelentingly. The multitude of smaller cuts seemed to hurt as much as the few larger ones. What was up with that?!

"I have to use the bathroom. Will you help me up?" Meredith looked at him pitifully. She had adamantly refused cathaterization earlier.

His first instinct was to say no, she had to use a bedpan, but the bruises on her hips and buttocks and across her low back would make that excruciating. She needed to move a little to stretch out and ease her soreness.

"Okay, let me get a wheelchair, I'll be right back," he said.

Derek went out to the nurses' station to signal Tyler and get a wheelchair. Then he called to schedule another MRI since she was awake, bumping another patient to a later slot. He didn't care. He was using his rank and privilege to ruthlessly get exactly what he wanted. His worry had not eased through the night and he was afraid to believe in Meredith's improving vital signs. He wanted an updated MRI in his hand as soon as possible.

He'd made Adelmann and an entire neurosurgical team stay on call through the night, ready to perform emergency surgery if Meredith suddenly worsened. He'd also made sure that an OR was kept open and available all night. At the look on his face, Webber, for once, hadn't balked at tying up an OR for no return.

Derek and Tyler supported Meredith on both sides, holding spots on her arms which weren't bruised. She gripped Tyler's hand in her good hand, and biting back moans, inched her way across the mattress until she could stand. She looked at the wheelchair and groaned. Her feet were just fine, but her bottom was a mass of bruises. She just couldn't sit down again. She'd rather walk.

"Let me walk, guys," she said very softly, glancing at Cristina, who was finally deeply sleeping, "I'll do better than if I have to sit."

Tyler simply slid his arm under hers and prepared to walk her to the bathroom, but Derek had to bite back his protests. Damn these lacerations and contusions, anyway! He wanted to pick her up, squeeze her close, hug her, coddle her, cuddle her, carry her, gah! He couldn't do any of it.

Once again he fought to trust that Meredith knew what was best for herself. After all, there she was, stoically doing it, with or without his permission. All he got to do was hold her arm as she walked under her own steam into the bathroom. He couldn't even hold her hand since he had the side with her hand in a splint.

Tyler smiled, "Good job, Dr. Grey, you're a champ."

He positioned her in front of the toilet and made sure her hand was on the safety rail before he let her go.

"You good?" he asked professionally, ready to stay if she needed him.

"Yes, Tyler, thank you. Please, leave, both of you, okay?" Meredith pleaded with Derek with her eyes.

Derek slowly shook his head at her, "Meredith..."

"Derek, please. I know you're worried, but I can do this by myself, really."

"Alright," he growled, "but, I'm going to stand just outside the doorway with the door open, Mer. We can't risk you falling. Not now. I really don't like this."

"Derek," she said with a flash of whimsical Meredith peeping through the pain, "Tyler can hold your hand, 'kay?"

Tyler hid his smirk behind his clipboard.

"So we're feeling sassy, are we? Call me if you feel dizzy, baby, I mean it," Derek ordered, actually feeling a little better that she'd given him lip.

Tyler grinned openly this time to hear Dr. Shepherd trying to baby Dr. Grey.

Meredith slowly lowered herself to the toilet and cringed in pain, seeing stars, as her bruised body had to take her weight. She just didn't have the strength to hover. She gasped silently, panting through an open mouth, and waited until her vision cleared. What Derek didn't understand was that being able to do something so normal for herself reassured her as nothing else could have. She gained strength and felt better. She had survived. Now all she had to do was heal a bunch of cuts and bruises. No big deal, right?

Meredith grasped the rail and leveraged her other elbow on the counter to stand. Her head only thumped a little harder and a slight smile of triumph lifted the corners of her mouth. She shuffled to the sink to wash her hands and face and rinse her mouth. One glimpse in the mirror and Meredith recoiled in horror, her brief flash of triumph draining away like water through sand. She had known what it felt like to be this hurt; now she knew what it looked like. She carefully opened her ugly hospital gown to look at the rest of herself. Her fragile self esteem plummeted.

_Oh, dear God in heaven_.

She didn't recognize herself through the misshapen swelling. She was something the cat didn't bother dragging in. She was sutured with a million stitches like Sally, the rag doll, in Tim Burton's 'Nightmare Before Christmas'; like the monster, Frankenstein; like Frankenstein's bride. She may as well have knobs in her head.

And her hair! Definitely Frankenstein's bride; no, a bird's nest; no, someone took a mix master to her head when she was unconscious, yeah, that was it. That was on top of the bald spot and stitches on the side of her head. Oh good. That look was in this year.

The hair was, of course, set off by the masses of purple on black bruises blooming _everywhere_. Her eye already had tinges of green creeping around the edges. Like ugly, mottled green eyeshadow, she thought stupidly. Meredith swayed dizzily and knew she had to hurry. Her beaten brain was kaleidoscoping with weird thoughts mixed with pain and confusion again.

Less than a second after she turned the water on, Derek was there, holding her up under her arms, his strong body a warm presence behind her. He really couldn't touch her anywhere else. He let her wash her hands and then used a washcloth himself to gently dab at her face. She rinsed her mouth several times and then Derek made her quit before she called for dental floss and a shower. He kissed her unbruised cheek and tugged her towards the door.

"Come on, baby, you need to lie down."

Meredith couldn't look him in the eye. She was having a really hard time again having Derek see her like this; weak... pitiful... helpless... useless... ugly... _ordinary_. The emotional bruises and stabs from her mother's brutal attacks were now making themselves felt. She bet his perfectly perfect wife had never once let Derek see her with even one hair out of place, let alone as pitiful or _ordinary_. Addison had probably never had menstrual cramps, or bad hair days, or disfiguring bruises from an attacker. Addison probably could have maced him in the eyes, or stabbed him in the jugular. Then Cristina and Izzie wouldn't have been hurt. Once again Addison and Ellis merged in her mind and sneered at her. Meredith cringed in shame and depression, her emotions hurting, as her headache intensified and her tiny store of energy flickered.

Sad self-recrimination rose to throttle her next, as her self esteem plunged and she clung to Derek's arm. That awful man, who tried to rape her, still hovered between Derek and herself. She felt so stupid that she hadn't been careful enough after having been given plenty of warning about the rapist. Derek must think she was an idiot. He must think she was pretty useless. Wrapped in fatigue and pain again, Meredith didn't understand that the cutting voice in her head was an echo of her mother's, not Derek's. What had whipped her in the parking lot to get her going, now whipped her to give up, because the voice's job was simply to whip, regardless of consequences. Meredith drooped in exhausted defeat.

"Honey, I know you're really tired, but I ordered another MRI for you. They're bringing a gurney in a minute. I also requested Karev to be the intern for you and Cristina. You'll be more comfortable with him. Do you want O'Malley too?"

Meredith's tired brain struggled to think through her erratic emotions and figure out what was important about what he was saying. She needed to pull herself together again. Derek... what? An MRI? Again? What was wrong? What hadn't they told her?

"George? No... Callie is having a baby. She gets upset when George sees us. No George."

Tyler and Derek were helping Meredith back across the room when a sardonic voice drawled, "Well, I guess the reports were wrong. Nice to see you up and around, Meredith. Derek, you look like hell."

"Derek!" exclaimed another, matronly, voice in shock, "What is that girl doing out of bed? Are you out of your mind?"

Meredith froze, horrified. Tyler glanced curiously at the two sharply dressed, perfectly coiffed, Northeastern ladies. Derek looked up in surprise and had two, opposing, equally strong, visceral reactions; o_h my God, not now!_ and o_h, thank God!_

Meredith had zero extra strength to meet the challenge. She resorted to her old friend, denial.

_No, this is not happening to me. I refuse to believe that after the first time of meeting Derek's mother and sisters when I was naked... in bed... with Derek, I am meeting them the second time looking and feeling like an old, beat up patchwork quilt. It's all a trauma induced hallucination._

"Siobhan, Mom, what are you doing here? How did you know?" Derek gently urged Meredith forward again, knowing she urgently needed to lie down.

"Mr. Sandage called me, Derek. We became quite well acquainted on my last visit, if you'll recall," Maeve Shepherd said as she sternly withheld a shocked exclamation at the sight of Meredith's face as the girl unsteadily turned, "He thought you and Meredith needed us, so we caught the red eye flight. And I can see he was right. Meredith, your poor face!"

Meredith turned her head so she could see Derek through her good eye. Mr. Sandage would not have called for Derek's mom unless... Meredith's thought was interrupted when another nurse brought in the gurney, followed by Alex Karev. Alex quickly read Meredith's chart, catching up on her condition, while Derek and the two nurses did their best to help Meredith onto the gurney without hurting her further – an impossible task. Derek's sister, Siobhan, another doctor, stepped forward to lend a surprisingly gentle and efficient hand as Meredith scooted across the gurney. Derek's mom stepped back, out of the way, her face sympathetic to Meredith's involuntary moans of pain.

Maeve Shepherd watched Derek tenderly try to help his traumatized girlfriend. His face was full of love as he spoke softly to her, and kissed her hand, but Maeve also noticed the terrible strain he was under. It was in the dark circles under his eyes and the deep lines marking his lean cheeks. He was worried to death, and it showed.

Mr. Sandage had explained to Maeve Shepherd that Meredith had been brutalized by a maniac and her life was still in danger. Her children needed Maeve, even if they were adults, Meredith especially, since she didn't have her own mom to help her. Maeve had been talking to Meredith and Derek once a week since her last visit, trying to repair relations with them. She'd rushed out to be with them in case they really did need her. Now Maeve watched Meredith weakly try to reassure Derek even as he worriedly tried to coddle her.

"Don't worry about me, Derek, I'm fine, really," Meredith said, using the 'fine' word he hated.

She concentrated on trying to hush her moans, so he'd stop worrying. Derek barely brushed a hand helplessly over her back, afraid to really touch her.

Every one of Maeve's motherly instincts went on red alert. Meredith needed fussing and it was her job, in lieu of Meredith's own mother, to make sure she got it. Maeve Shepherd stepped forward to tuck a blanket around Meredith, shooing her son away, murmuring soothingly to the girl her son loved. Meredith shifted uncomfortably at the unfamiliar motherly clucking and tucking. But Maeve really did know, with unerring instinct, just what was hurting Meredith the worst, and positioned her pillows accordingly, trying to make the transport to MRI as easy as possible. Meredith finally found herself actually able to relax with minimal pain for a moment. She sighed in relief, both her emotional and physical pain decreasing. She closed her eyes, her body shutting down, her energy depleted.

Meredith forced her eyes open again, and whispered to Maeve, "Please take care of Derek. Whatever happens... good or bad... help him... I know you will."

"Of course I will," declared Maeve, her eyes filling with tears as she realized that Meredith had concluded that she might still die, "And I'll take care of you too."

Meredith's dry lips formed a 'thank you'. She was suddenly very grateful that Maeve was there. Maeve alleviated some of her anxiety for Derek. Derek hadn't told her... but she knew... she was a doctor after all... she would not be having another MRI... unless something were still seriously wrong with her. His mom and sister would help him... no matter what happened... It was good Derek... had his mom, she thought. Sometimes people... needed their moms. She waved a hand at Cristina, who was wide awake now, from all the fuss, and drifted away in exhaustion.

o-o-o

"Derek," said Maeve, delaying him, as Alex and an orderly, accompanied by Siobhan, pushed the gurney out the door and down the hall, "Meredith is worried about you. She needs you to go take a shower and get dressed in fresh clothes. And, darling, you need to shave."

"Mom...," Derek looked at her incredulously, like she'd just asked him to swim the Bering Strait, "Meredith needs me. What are you talking about?"

He looked after his girl anxiously, then at Cristina turning uncomfortably in her bed, then back at his short, rounded mom. He gestured her into the waiting area across the hall where they could speak without further disturbing Yang.

"Trust me, Derek," said Maeve, sensibly, "Meredith is asleep now, worn out. She'll be in the MRI chamber for at least forty five minutes, according to your sister. Siobhan and your intern will stay with her the whole time, I promise. So, you, son, have time to get cleaned up for Meredith. It scares her when you won't even take ten minutes for a shower. She's in good hands. Go on now."

Derek hesitated. His mom was right, the MRI would take a while, even if they were only imaging her kidney and one place in her head. He didn't know it, but his face dropped all guards and professional guises as he stood slumped in the doorway looking after Meredith. Every bit of his love and fear, dread and pain stood out on his face, plain for his mom to read.

"Derek... Derek, don't! Look how well Meredith is doing, after such an awful thing happened. My stars! You're both so lucky," Maeve held her arms out to her only son and he stepped into them gratefully wrapping his arms around her, and letting her hold him too, "Tell me, what is still so wrong here?!"

"Mom, I love Meredith so much! But, she's so hurt and I can't even touch her. We're still waiting on the brain bleed. I could lose her. This time I could lose her for good," stress tears tracked his face again, "Mom... she's... been through so much and I... I...,"

Maeve held her son and swayed a little, giving him the feeling he was being rocked. He'd told Meredith once that if anything bad happened to him his family would be there, he'd want them there. And his mom was here, holding him when he needed it. Derek had a family. He'd always had one. After meeting lucid, evil Ellis and bumbling, weak Thatcher, Derek understood once again that Meredith had never had one.

"I want a future with Meredith," said Derek, his face intent, "I want to make a life with her. The day before Meredith was attacked, we talked about having a baby together within the next few years, making a family of our own."

Derek choked on his words and he scrubbed at his eyes with a fist. Maeve rubbed his back compassionately.

"Of course you will," she said, "Where's your faith? Or, do you only have faith in surgery these days? You told me you've been happier since you've been with Meredith than you've been your whole life. You and Meredith are together against all odds and you'll stay together against all odds. I know you will."

Maeve brushed Derek's curls from his forehead and kissed his prickly cheek, "You and Meredith aren't alone, Derek. Siobhan and I are here with you now. We'll take care of both of you, we'll help you, I promised Meredith. You're hurt and exhausted too. Now, go on. I'll get you a cup of coffee and meet you by the MRI room."

Maeve's faith and presence bolstered Derek as nothing else could have. He felt better just to be able to talk it out with her. His mom was right. Meredith and he were soul mates. They were meant to be together. He hugged Maeve again, and headed to the attending locker room. He'd clean up and get back to Meredith as soon as possible.


	48. Answers

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 48: Answers**

Derek sat with Maeve, Siobhan and Izzie Stevens in the closest lounge to the MRI center that he could find. His mom had been right. The steaming hot shower, shaving, and fresh clothes helped. He'd washed his hair, but only had the patience to partially dry it, so it tumbled in wild curls across his head and down the back of his neck. He shrugged. At least it was clean.

They still had twenty minutes before Meredith's MRI was complete. Maeve had handed Derek an espresso and a breakfast sandwich, insisting he sit and eat. Then taking a long look at Izzie's throat, as the young woman questioned Derek about Meredith and Cristina's night (getting every detail in typical Izzie fashion), Mrs. Shepherd handed Izzie her cappuccino and another breakfast sandwich. Izzie's gorgeous smile bloomed over her face, making her beautiful again in spite of the fingerprint bruises on her neck and the huge knot on the side of her head.

"Thank you, Mrs. S," Izzie said gratefully, sipping the coffee and unwrapping the sandwich without wasting a moment.

Maeve bemusedly watched the size 4 model wolf down the sandwich in a few minutes. Ah, she remembered now that interns were always ravenous. She'd had lots of experience with interns having been married to a physician and having raised five of them. She should have brought more food.

Siobhan and Maeve Shepherd exchanged glances several times as Izzie chattered unrestrainedly to Derek about everything she'd found out about the previous night. Izzie had pieced the majority of the story together, even the part about Ellis Grey. With Derek as her teacher and mentor for weeks and weeks, Izzie had been learning discretion and she'd been discouraged from gossip. Now Derek ruthlessly used Izzie to fill him in. He needed to understand what had happened. He needed to know why and how and what and where and who had hurt Meredith. He needed to be able to help her more than he had so far.

Part of him was still trying to understand why Meredith had made the choices she'd made so he could let go of the lingering pain. He'd managed, with Mr. Sandage's help, to be a man. He'd managed to set aside his hurt feelings and disappointment and helplessness, so that he could rise to the occasion and be what was best for himself and Meredith. Now, bit by bit, as he could, he was going to have to process all of it, in as healthy a way as possible. Otherwise, it could fester and create more problems later, since Derek and Meredith planned to have a future together.

Maeve gasped at the reports of what Ellis had said and done. The woman had one day of lucidity in five years and had done what?... She looked down the hall towards the MRI and Meredith, her protective instincts towards her son's choice rising as high as they were for her own daughters. The Mama Tigress inside her that had gotten her in trouble with Meredith the first time they met, rose now in defense of Mer. She wanted to snatch that woman bald-headed! It would have cost Ellis Grey absolutely nothing to have been kind to her daughter, if not loving. What in the world did she have to lose?! Appalled, Maeve's own sharp mind worried at the question.

"Dr. Shepherd, it's almost ready, sir," Dr. Karev called to Derek.

Derek, Izzie, and Siobhan crowded into the technician's booth behind Karev and Adelmann. Derek felt as if he couldn't draw more than a shallow breath. Worry tightened in a band around his chest and squeezed. He stared at the screen and gritted his teeth. She had to be better, she just had to be. He needed her so much. Helpless longing caused him to clench his fists and wrap his arms across his own aching chest. Everyone's eyes glued to the screen. As the images resolved a soft susurrus filled the room as all the doctors unconsciously exhaled.

"Derek," asked Maeve's anxious voice from the hallway, "what do you see?"

Derek turned from the monitor and hugged his mom with convulsive strength, bowing his curly dark head over her with a stifled sound.

"Siobhan?" asked Mrs. Shepherd, still not sure what was happening, patting her son's back.

It was Izzie who answered her, "The bleed has stopped Mrs. Shepherd. I think... it looks like it's reducing on it's own, right, Dr. Adelmann?"

"Yes. It looks good," said Dr. Adelmann in his soft, melodious voice, meticulously going over every image.

Izzie turned to Alex and said softly, just to him, "You did it, Alex... Meredith's going to make it. My God, that was a tough call."

Alex just heaved a breath and nodded, "Yeah... it was. Move Izzie, I need to get her out of there."

Meredith was going to make it. Derek felt like he could breathe easily for the first time since Guiseppe had phoned him last night. The horrible, crushing weight of worry he'd carried, seemingly forever, drained and he suddenly felt as limp as a rag doll. He gulped, stepped down the hall away from his mom, and scrubbed at his face, trying to regain his composure. He didn't want Meredith to see how overcome he'd been. She already had to deal with way more than enough of her own pain.

"Dr. Shepherd, Meredith is calling for you," Izzie announced.

Derek brushed by her and Maeve, rushing to get to Meredith. Karev and the tech had moved her back to the gurney already. She was propped up so her side was as protected as possible. She looked ethereally beautiful to him, even through her bruised and wounded fragility. Exhausted from the tests, Meredith looked carefully into Derek's midnight blue eyes.

Then she held her hand out to him and asked softly, "Derek, please, I need to ask you...," she paused as he came to her side and delicately traced his love onto her hand with clever fingers as he joyfully kissed her soft, pink lips, "How am I? I was going to wait, but I just.. can't anymore... my head?"

"You're getting well, my love, your head is healing," Derek spoke gently, his tones shaded with the wealth of his love and relief, "You and I are going to be fine – really fine. I love you so much."

He wrapped his arms around her as lightly as he could and held her with no pressure. Meredith's inner frightened stiffness relaxed. It was over. The fight in the parking lot was over at last. She was finally safe, back in Derek's arms where she belonged. She exhaled in relief as she lay her unbruised cheek on Derek's shoulder, her lips pressed to his throat, and wrapped her palm around his nape. She was tired, so tired. It was odd that she was as tired from good news as she was from bad, she thought abstractly.

"Dr. Shepherd, I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but we need to get Meredith back to her room," Dr. Karev said.

"They have another patient waiting, Derek," Siobhan added.

When Derek and Meredith didn't move, Maeve Shepherd said with a touch of no-nonsense in her voice, "Son, that girl needs to be back in her own bed. You need to take better care of her. Come on now."

Meredith had to lie back anyway. She'd used up her meager store of energy in her inner emotional release. So Derek willed himself to let her go again. He knew they were all right, but he didn't have to like it.

"Hold my hand, Derek," Meredith invited, holding out her hand again.

Derek linked his fingers through hers, and smiled his 'day is dawning, all is right with the world' smile at her. His sudden, shining beauty startled everyone but Meredith. Then he walked beside her down the hall, back to her room, so she could rest against him and listen to his steady heartbeat, finding peace in that simple act.

o-o-o

Meredith shifted her slight weight gingerly from one hip to the other, watching the low sky spit trickles and droplets of rain on the only window in her room. She'd slept face down across Derek's chest for the better part of the morning and half the afternoon. She felt better and safer when he held her, even as he dozed, then she did at any other time. Also, it had given her back and thighs and buttocks a much needed break. She was sitting up again now, as Derek went for the drink she'd requested, and those body parts all reminded her just how unhappy they were. She focused on the droplets and ignored the pain. She was good at that. She sighed.

"So... you're not dying, that's good. If you'd gone ahead and died after all the trouble I went to, it would have pissed me off," Cristina said, awake now and grumpily easing herself upright, while she covered up her massive relief, "You still look like hell."

"Thanks, so do you," Meredith volleyed back, turning to look at her out of her good eye.

It felt good to do something normal again, like be insulted by her best friend. Their normal, semi-bitter banter served to run off some of the lingering trauma and fear of the night. It didn't matter that it wouldn't be understood by a lot of people, it was how their relationship worked. If they could snark all dark and twisty over it, it made what happened less terrible, and easier to handle.

"Yeah, well, at least I don't have a black eye," Cristina used her backhand slice to show her affection.

"You cheated. You had your helmet on. That's the only reason you don't have a black eye," Meredith declared sturdily.

"Izzie didn't have a helmet, and she doesn't have a black eye," Cristina scored, then added, cocking her head consideringly, as she debated the fine points of fighting a psychotic maniac, "Plus, you had a knife. That's cheating too."

"Yeah, well, the goose egg on the side of my head isn't a black eye, but it is more than plenty, thank you very much," interrupted Iz darkly as she gently worked the tangles out of Meredith's hair with spray conditioner and a comb, "You two are just grumpy because you were stabbed, instead of strangled.

"Speaking of which...," Izzie pulled Meredith's cleaned up knife out of her pocket, "I found this on the ground, Mer... I don't know why I didn't give it to the police. It just seemed like I needed to give it back to you."

Meredith's breath caught as the visceral memory of clutching her little knife and stabbing at her attacker with all her strength rushed over her. Her earlier bout of self generated Addison/Ellis low self esteem came back to haunt her and she hung her head. She couldn't look her friends in the eye. If she'd been less stupid, more careful, or more effective, they wouldn't have a scratch on them, instead of sitting here with major injuries. The light left Meredith's face leaving her dull and drawn. Her throat closed down until she felt choked. She was better than before, soothed by her prognosis and Derek's steadfast love, but her inner war was still waging because of Ellis. The fight in the parking lot was over, but the fight with all the demons Ellis had raised was still going on, still bolstered by pain and fatigue.

"Whoa!... whatever that was, stop it right now, Mer," exclaimed Izzie, watching Meredith's face perspicaciously, "You did what you had to do to protect yourself."

Izzie got that something was wrong, but she didn't quite understand the whole of it. She thought maybe Mer was freaking out over the rapist, himself; the event, itself. She started to set the knife on the bedside table, but Meredith reached for it. Her knife was always a comfort to hold, especially when she was hurt deep inside.

"That's the look she gets around Ellis," Cristina reminded Izzie of what they'd seen from the nurses' station outside Ellis' room, "evil, lucid Ellis, I mean. Come on, Meredith, what's wrong?"

"I...," Meredith hesitated, then looked up, her bruised face full of sorrow, "I'm sorry... so sorry."

"What for?" Izzie was genuinely confused.

"I should have done better ... I should have known ... I should have remembered ... he was so big and I couldn't reach the jugular ... I ... I'm ... sorry ... you're both hurt ... it's all my fault!" Meredith's dark and twisty inner torment poured out in a jumbled mixture of words.

"Meredith, what the heck are you talking about?" asked Izzie incredulously, "I think I can safely say that it wasn't you that strangled me and stabbed Cristina. Hello! Remember the madman?! Or did he hit you so hard you forgot the crazy in the parking lot?"

"Yeah, right, _you're_ the one who's a serial rapist /killer, _you're_ the one who was such a bitch you couldn't say two kind words in a row to your own daughter after five years, _you're_ the one who decided to get drunk on the job instead of surveying the parking lot. Can you hear yourself?" Cristina asked sarcastically, "A big part about _not _being a victim is knowing what _is_ your responsibility and what _isn't_. And, Mer, this _isn't_."

"I ... I ... his jugular ... Mom would have ... I couldn't ... Addison would have," Meredith's tongue stumbled over her fears and inadequacies, while her head thumped loudly, and her side just hurt.

"Ellis? Addison? Have you somehow dreamed up a scenario in which one of those two could have done better than you out there? Meredith, Izzie and I both fought that maniac too. We couldn't do better than you, and you'd already cut him and broken his nose, by the time he got to us."

"Mer, I had your knife in my pocket. I could have stabbed him when he grabbed me around the throat. But, all I could think to do was try to pry his hands off me. Talk about not very effective! If Derek hadn't shown up, I'd be dead and so would Cristina. I just couldn't think straight, Meredith. I did the best I could. We all did the best we could. I know you're really hurt, Meredith, but we all could have died, and we didn't."

Meredith's hand opened and closed over the hasp of her little knife. She still couldn't look directly at her friends. Cristina and Izzie paused and then turned and looked at each other. Ellis and Addison and the rapist were somehow all mixed together for Meredith. This was too dark and twisty, even for her. It was like meticulously cleaning and suturing and bandaging a patient's wound on the surface of the body, only to find out when you were done about the internal bleeding that was way more serious.

"I should have seen him earlier ... I knew about him ... my poor patients ... but he was there before I ... I should have fought harder, but with all those self-defense classes I dragged Alex to, I still couldn't ... I couldn't stop him ...," the words dragged painfully.

"So ...," drawled a voice from the door, "You, a one hundred and ten pound woman was supposed to see a blitz attack in the rain and dark, and battle a one hundred ninety pound man who'd already raped or murdered seven women – _and stop him!_"

Meredith looked up, startled at Alex' entrance. He walked across the room and took a chair by Yang's bed. He was intern tired.

"Oh, right! I forgot. That's exactly what you did! Who are you – Buffy the Vampire Slayer? You survived, Meredith!! Don't you dare criticize yourself for how you did it. It's a freakin' miracle, Genie Eyes!" Alex shook his head at her.

Meredith's jumbled, dark and twisty, poisonous thoughts – brought out into the light of day, and the light of her friend's incredulous scrutiny – couldn't stand. Ellis Grey's words' hold on her weakened and dissipated the more she said them out loud and heard them repeated. Meredith's sad, sick little girl inside was being heard, understood and answered, for once. Her internal bleeding stopped – again. Meredith trembled as her emotional wounds were salved and bandaged, ready to seal and heal.

"So!" said a loud indignant voice from the door, "Meredith is beaten and cut to shreds, Cristina is stabbed and carried off, Izzie is strangled and banged against a car, everyone almost DIES! and NO ONE! NO ONE CALLS ME?"

"The chicks kicked the rapist's ass without us, baby boy, get used to it," Karev had had a very long two days. He wasn't in any mood to deal with George's histrionics.

"Not so loud, Bambi, some of us have headaches," groused Cristina, keeping her voice low, after seeing both Meredith and Izzie wince.

"George, I called you last night looking for Mer, and I called you again last night to tell you what happened," Izzie asseverated, "But, you couldn't be bothered to answer the phone. You had your _wife_ hang up on me every time. I called you again three times this morning. Let's see," Izzie peered at her cell and pager, "you never returned my calls. You took yourself out of the loop. So, George, shut up. This isn't about you."

George gawped at her like a fish on dry land, his mouth opening and closing with no sound emitting. Everyone ignored him. Meredith would have tried to be kind, but her head hurt too much, after his shout. Izzie was right, it wasn't about George.

"O'Malley, step aside," the Shepherds entered the room carrying food and coffee, "What the hell is going on in here?" Derek demanded in a soft menacing voice after catching sight of Meredith's pale, sweaty face.

"Derek," Meredith said in her sweet, musical voice, before anyone else could speak, "Is that my mocha latte? Thank you."

Meredith pursed her lips for his kiss and then held the warm cup between her palms and sipped, comforted, "Oh, that tastes good. Derek, maybe you can ask the nurse for a couple cold packs for Izzie's and my headaches?"

She was trying to distract Derek, but all he did was possessively pull a chair up beside her and nod to George to get the packs. Mrs. Shepherd and Siobhan handed food and coffee out to Alex and Izzie and Cristina to a chorus of 'thank yous'. Maeve wasn't sure what Cristina could have, but she figured with all these doctors around, someone would object if she wasn't supposed to have something. Derek helped Meredith shift position again and place cold packs on her most painful spots. He knew she'd just take a few more sips of her warm drink before she'd be ready to sleep again.

"What was going on when I got here?" Derek asked pointedly, using his attending voice, looking at Karev and then at O'Malley.

The interns were all looking at each other, trying to come up with something, when a young voice at the door said, "Wow, Meredith, I think you should have said, 'Double Glumpy!'."

"Zachary!"


	49. Visitors

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 49: Visitors**

"Zachary!" Meredith exclaimed, sitting up as best she could, "What in the world are you doing here?"

"Zachary, be careful," warned Derek, catching him when Zach tried to fly into Meredith's open arms, "Meredith needs you to hug her softly, okay?"

He hugged the boy himself, and kissed the top of his head, before letting him go.

"Okay," Zach acknowledged Derek, and then answered Meredith proudly, "you said 'glumpy' and I came, just like I promised."

With exaggerated care Zach climbed onto the tall hospital bed and hugged Meredith, patting her good shoulder, then asked with typical male interest in warfare, "Where are you hurt, Meredith, besides your eye? Izzie wouldn't say, only that you'd been attacked by a man in the parking lot. Did he try to rob you? Did he have a gun?"

Meredith held her brother's precious little boy body to her and buried her face in his black curls. He smelled wonderful – young and warm and boy – just like he should. Zachary's presence was another balm to her bruised spirit. She found herself rocking back and forth a little, holding him tighter and tighter. Tears sprang from behind her tired eyeballs to trickle down her bruised face even though there was far too many people in the room for her to be easy crying. The room grew uncomfortably quiet.

"Yes, he tried to rob me. No, he didn't have a gun," Meredith said softly, thinking of everything that man would have taken from her with a knife in his hand. Meredith tried to assimilate that she'd called for help in an empty parking lot and had been heard and more than answered by _everyone_. Izzie had chattered that Derek had actually left in the middle of surgery to help look for her. Still hugging Zachary, Meredith smiled gratefully at her boyfriend, and spoke to both of them.

"I said 'glumpy'? ... And you came ... all the way from Italy ... you came ... and you left surgery, Derek."

"Yes, don't you remember?" Zach pulled back to look into his sister's face, "I told _Papà_ and Derek and Izzie you said 'glumpy' and they saved you, because I couldn't get here fast enough to save you myself."

"No," Meredith smiled through her tears, unable to stop gently stroking his hair and the side of his face, "I don't remember. Wow, Zachary, if you told all those people I needed help, you did save me, didn't you? Thank you for my life. Thank you all for my life."

"I just did what we practiced," Zachary preened as Meredith rubbed her hand through his curls, "You and me practiced on our cell phones for hours, remember?" Zach exaggerated, "We programmed our phones and then we practiced pushing the two buttons and saying 'glumpy' to each other. And it worked. You got hurt and you said 'glumpy'. See?"

"Yes, yes, I see now. The man hit me on the head, Zach, and then I passed out for a while. I don't remember that part very well," said Meredith, reaching instinctively for Derek's hand.

"Yes, I see now too," Derek murmured and leaned over to gently kiss her, embarrassed anew by his previous assumptions and behavior.

Meredith glanced up at him unsure what he meant. Derek smiled at her reassuringly, and inwardly chided himself. Meredith had been fighting for her life. She'd almost died from that blow to the head but she'd said an emergency word into her cell phone anyway. She'd saved herself and Izzie and Cristina. And he'd pouted because she'd called a little boy instead of him. Her brain was already damaged and she must have been petrified with fear. Thank God some part of her remembered to push buttons and say a silly word when she was hurt. Derek let it go finally. It wasn't about him. He sighed in relief and release and squeezed Meredith's hand.

Zach had climbed off the bed (while Meredith bit her lip to stop from crying out at the jostling and laid her head back against her pillows tiredly) to hug Izzie and wave bye to Alex and George who headed back to work. Izzie was introducing Zachary to the Shepherds when Guiseppe Giordano arrived in the door accompanied by Mr. Sandage.

"Guiseppe, thank you so much for coming, and bringing Zachary," Derek's tight grip on Dr. Giordano's hand conveyed more to Guiseppe than Derek intended, "Meredith needs her family."

Guiseppe used the handshake to pull Derek into his arms to give him a bracing hug, "We're here for both of you, of course we came."

Guiseppe used a cane to make his way across the room to Meredith to gently clasp her hand and kiss her on both cheeks and murmur, "Meredith, I am so happy to see you doing so well, _bambina_. Our prayers were answered."

" _Papà,_you flew all this way in such a short time? That must have been very difficult for you. You shouldn't have," Meredith protested tiredly, clutching his hands and trying to rally herself, amazed anew to see Guiseppe.

"My daughter needed me, Meredith, where am I supposed to be? Besides, this time the corporate jet was available so the travel was much easier, _bambina,_" said Guiseppe.

Mr. Sandage smiled and murmured a few words of greeting to Meredith before he said, "Meredith, Dr. Grey is still scheduled for surgery in about an hour. With your permission Dr. Giordano, and Zachary and I will go sit with her and talk to Dr. Burke about the procedure. Unless you want to postpone it?"

"No ...," Meredith hesitated, and then unconsciously filled Derek's need to be needed by his woman by asking, "Derek, what do you think?"

Derek touched her reassuringly while he considered and said, "Let her have it now, Meredith. She needs the work and you're going to be healing for several weeks, pretty girl, so delaying the surgery until tomorrow won't change much. Besides, today you have Guiseppe and Mr. Sandage to help with your mom."

"Okay, I'd really appreciate it if you'd sit with her, _Papà_. Thank you, Mr. Sandage. I ... I'm just not up to seeing her right now," admitted Meredith painfully.

Guiseppe gave Meredith one of his all encompassing looks and felt his heart go out to her. She was at the end of her strength, exhausted and frail and in pain. She'd never had it easy, this child of his heart. Even now, with Derek, when she should be carefree and joyous, falling in love forever, she still had to deal with the realities of her heavy responsibilities, personally and professionally. Guiseppe gathered Meredith to him and told her in Italian that he was here for her now and it was time to rest without worry. He kissed her cheek again and then straightened and stepped back to let Mr. Sandage touch Meredith's hand and take his leave. Then Mr. Sandage was out the door, urging the Shepherds and the Giordanos to go with him. He introduced them all to each other there and they all trooped off to attend Ellis Grey or to head back to hotel rooms.

As the room emptied out, Meredith sighed and laid her head back, completely overwhelmed by all the fuss and company. She was exhausted, yet in too much pain to sleep again. Her head thumped unpleasantly and she fretfully tugged at her pillow. It was hot and lumpy. Her mind raced with dozens of thoughts.

"Yang, we've got a private room ready for you," said Dr. Karev returning with Tyler, "You and Meredith will both rest more easily alone. Dr. Burke said he'll be in to see you in about an hour, and Dr. Sloan said he wanted to examine both of you again before he left for the day. It looks like he'll let you out by tomorrow, Yang."

Cristina, who was also in pain and overwhelmed by all the visitors too, allowed herself to be moved to the new room without protest.

"I'll check in tomorrow, before I leave the hospital, Mer, okay?" Cristina said as she left, pushed bed and all from one room to the next by Tyler and Alex.

Meredith waved a weak hand in acknowledgment, not bothering to open her eyes. Izzie changed Meredith's hot pillows for cool ones with fresh pillow cases and tucked more pillows around her body to make her more comfortable.

"I'm headed home with this head, Meredith. I'll see you tomorrow," said Izzie.

Meredith stirred herself enough to say, "Thanks, Iz," and then Derek and Meredith were alone for the first time since the attack as Izzie left.

Derek sat in the chair next to the bed and rested his dark head against Mer's arm. He gently traced his finger tips over her hand. The silence grew between them, peaceful and quiet. They were together, without worry, at last. Meredith carefully shifted until she slid down the bed and lay on her side, face to face with Derek. His beautiful smile dawned slowly over his face and he touched the tip of his crooked nose to her perfectly straight nose, before he tilted his head and kissed her gently on her pink lips.

"You need to sleep, pretty girl," Derek murmured against her lips, "That was a little too much company for you, even though we needed them. I'll bet your headache has gotten worse again, hasn't it?"

"Yes, the headache is awful, and I'm really tired, even though I slept all morning," Meredith reluctantly admitted, weakly lifting a hand to stroke his face, "but ... have you noticed? We're alone finally ... with my black eye and a million sutures ... yay."

A gentle smile spread over Derek's face when Meredith stroked her hand through his curls, the same way she'd stroked Zachary's. She rubbed the silken hair between her fingers enjoying the texture. The thumping in her head calmed and receded slightly, soothed by the peace of the moment.

"Derek ...?"

"Hm?" he asked.

Meredith hesitated, but she'd wanted to say it since she saw her body in the mirror, so she gathered courage and whispered slowly, "Derek, I ... I look so awful. Are you ... will you ... love me ...? What if Mark's wrong and I'm scarred – ugly... there were too many sutures ... what if ..."

Her voice was shaky and uncertain as her fears bubbled up and found a confused voice.

"Meredith, sh," Derek hushed her gently while he toyed with the ends of her hair, "You're alive! Your pretty green eyes are telling me you love me right through that black eye. I've never seen anything more beautiful."

"But, Derek ..."

"No, Meredith. No but. There's been a few times since you were hurt that I've been a complete fool ... I admit it. But this time, honey, you're being the dummy. Don't even go there," pain flashed across Derek's face as he tried to reassure his girl, "I love you so much and you and I ... we're beyond lucky that we're still together."

Meredith's face cleared and softened, "We are, and what did you mean you were foolish? You've been wonderful."

"Yeah ... wonderfully idiotic. It ... bothered me that Karev had medical power of attorney instead of me. It felt like you pushed me away. You were desperately hurt and I couldn't do anything for you, and that came on top of finding out a rapist had attacked you and we couldn't find you. Meredith, I needed to take care of you and I couldn't. I just hated that. I'm too used to being in control. Also, I had to find out you needed me from a ten year old calling from Italy!" by the time Derek got to the last sentence the last of his indignation and hurt feelings were in his voice, even though he tried to keep them out.

The light dawned for Meredith. She lifted her head a little and stared at him, "Oh, Derek, don't tell me you got broody and pouted? Honey! I don't even remember calling Zach. I think I was on automatic pilot or something. And as for Alex, I had him sign those papers for me after the bomb in the body cavity. You and I weren't even together then. I wasn't rejecting you, it was just done before you came back. That's all," Meredith shifted and waved her hand in a dismissive gesture.

"Hey, I don't brood and pout ... well, okay ... maybe I brooded and pouted," Derek admitted reluctantly, "Mr. Sandage helped me see sense. There you were, just out of the Pit, and I was ... oh, never mind. I was infantile. Sometimes I think I spent so much time becoming a good neurosurgeon, I forgot to become a good adult," Derek grimaced, feeling really ashamed, "I still have an unruly twelve year old inside that I have to deal with at the most inopportune moments. I'm sorry, honey."

Meredith actually gave a tiny, soft giggle, enjoying his discomfort, the brat, "So, I'm really glad I'm not the only one," she said softly, subtly laughing at the pair of them, "While your twelve year old pouted, mine got crazy with low self esteem. At least I couldn't break out the boys and booze, like I used to. And you haven't been pouty with me at all. Maybe we are progressing after all."

Derek loved her sassy tone. She really was coming back to him, his pretty girl. That horrible pervert hadn't taken her from him on any level.

"Low self esteem over your injuries?"

"That, and my mother. Whew, Derek, she's a horrible person. It has always been difficult to reconcile her brilliance as a surgeon and researcher with her nasty personality, but until that day of lucidity, I never knew she hated me," Meredith rolled a little, on her side and back and looked at the ceiling, her eyes glistening with hurt.

Derek tugged her hand a little, urging her back on her side, facing him, "I'm so sorry, Meredith. There's definitely something wrong in that woman's soul. She's bent, and all your life you've paid for it. You always compare yourself to her, but I, for one, am eternally grateful that you're _nothing_ like her. In my book she loses to you every time, not the other way around. Compared to you that woman's a coarse, cruel, rude, loveless fool – nothing at all like my love – my beautiful Meredith," Derek stroked her hair again, "All we can do now is pity her."

"You're so sweet to call me beautiful, Derek, really, but you may need glasses," Meredith said teasingly, still not accustomed or comfortable with how he saw her. She knew he really believed what he said. In his eyes she came off favorably compared to her mother. It was a relief to finally admit that her mother hated her. And that hatred said nothing about her, it was all about Ellis. She could give up once and for all trying to please her. She could stop banging her head against that particular brick wall. She could tell her critical inner voice that sounded so much like Ellis to be quiet. She was done trying to please an eternally dissatisfied woman. Meredith's eyes drooped and she sleepily yawned.

Derek's voice was no more than a soft rumble when he kissed her gently and said, "Sleep now, baby. You need to rest. Sleep and get well."

Derek stood and checked the time and Meredith's chart. He adjusted her medication and Meredith finally let her eyes close, her face miraculously clearing of pain as she dropped to sleep again on a wave of fresh drugs. Derek sighed also, not having realized until that moment how much watching her endure the constant pain had weighed on him. His own face cleared of stress and worry as Meredith quietly slept. They were together. He'd almost lost her, but he hadn't. He placed a weightless hand over her head and thanked his maker for another chance with her.


	50. Alternative Healings

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 50: Alternative Healings**

Derek cornered Mark a few days later. He wanted to know what Mark thought about Meredith's healing and what kind of scars she'd have. He was concerned that the two shallow cuts at the top of each of her breasts were bothering Meredith so much. They were almost the least of her injuries but somehow Meredith had fixated on them. She'd been very lucky that her shirt pockets had been loaded with equipment that had mitigated her attackers blows. Otherwise she'd have the same terrible injuries to her breasts that the other victims had.

Mark turned to Derek unsurprised now at being accosted. The man that refused to talk to him at one point sought him out twice a day now ... yeah it was about Meredith, but hey, Mark would take what he could get. He could feel them growing closer again. He'd actually made Derek laugh the other day. He'd surprised him with a snarky, oh so true, comment about Bailey.

"Derek, I told you, I did my absolute best work on your girl, I promise. No one could have minimized the damage as much as me, you know that," Mark said arrogantly and then grinned cheekily as he bragged, "I'm the best there is on either coast."

Derek rolled his eyes and snorted, "Yeah, right. You're a legend in your own mind."

"Always have been, buddy, okay, one of the best on either coast, how's that?" Mark replied easily, "But seriously, Derek, your little daisy is going to be fine. I'd be more concerned over the psychological trauma and shoulder muscle damage than the rest. But even the psychological stuff seems to be easing. Look."

Mark pointed across the main station floor area and waiting rooms to the sight that had the night nurses tittering. Derek and Mark had each insisted to Dr. Bailey that Dr. Karev stay on as Meredith's intern. She liked him best of all the able bodied interns they had and for some reason he was able to get her to do things the others couldn't. The two of them shared a special bond and Alex used it shamefully to get his way with Mer for her own good.

Mark grinned and Derek's mouth dropped open. Alex had coaxed Meredith out of bed and on her feet. But, instead of walking, as prescribed, Alex was coaxing Meredith to dance with him. They shared an ipod, each with an earbud in an ear, wires stretched between them. Alex led Meredith in a very slow two step to the music only he and Meredith could hear. Derek couldn't believe it. Even walking was still very painful to Meredith, but she had to move. It was agonizing for everybody (most of all her, of course) to make Meredith move up and down the hallway. Now here she was dancing with a tiny smile turning up the corners of her lips!

"See Meredith, first you tortured me with all those dance lessons and now I get to torture you. Yeah, karma rocks. It's the all purpose answer," Alex teased as he gently, slowly guided her.

Meredith's body was still very bruised and she was nowhere near healed, but Alex made everything lighter and happier for her. Somehow taking careful steps to music was easier than taking painstaking steps down the hall.

"What the hell does he think he's doing?" Derek frowned, his fangs springing out in defense of his lamb.

He started forward to put an end to such foolishness, when Mark grabbed his elbow, "Wait, Derek. Look at her."

George with Callie, and Tolliver with Olivia, had joined the hit parade and were waltzing awkwardly around Meredith and Alex, mugging every step. Meredith gurgled with laughter. Even though that made her grimace with pain, she couldn't help smiling again. Derek's heart melted at the sight. She was so brave and sweet, and that made him love her all the more.

"What a lovely gown you have, milady ... Vera Wang?" Alex asked in a snobby voice.

"No, unfortunately, it's early American bathrobe, though I can understand your confusion, it's a lovely bathrobe," answered Mer in an equally snobby tone, ignoring the pain in her side.

Mark snickered at Derek's face as Karev gave Meredith a slow twirl, "Take it easy, Mama Hen. Laughter and fun are good medicine for her right now. Karev is being careful with her," he nudged Derek teasingly when, as if on cue, Karev guided Meredith back to a wheelchair.

Derek kept frowning anxiously until the little impromptu party broke up and Karev wheeled Meredith back to her room.

"God, Mark, I'm a mess," he sadly admitted in defeat, aching to get back to Meredith, "I've turned into a total Mama Hen, it's true."

Derek plopped down on a plastic waiting room chair and sighed, not noticing that he was treating Mark like the brother he'd always been, but Mark noticed, and smirked.

"It's time for you to get back to at least one surgery a day, Derek. Both you and Meredith need a little breathing room from each other. Her stepfather and baby brother, let alone your mom and that delicious vixen, Siobhan, are still here, so she won't be alone ever, if she doesn't want to be," Mark waggled his eyebrows suggestively over Siobhan's name.

Mark's familiar 'guy on the prowl' expression set off every bell and whistle in Derek's head.

"Hey! Watch it! Sio is my sister. And she's married. With two kids! Twins! You ... haven't already ...," Derek stumbled to a halt since he had no intention of actually putting that awful thought into words, "Damn it, man, she's like your sister too."

"Whoa, easy on the judgment there. No, I haven't already ... anything ... with Siobhan, and no, I don't think of her as a sister ... never have. And it is perfectly fine with me that she's related to you. I like you and your whole family, remember?" Mark smoothly smiled, ignoring all the talk of Sio being married with kids just to get Derek's goat, but there was an unusual, serious tone in his voice when he spoke of Siobhan that bothered Derek even more, "And speaking of that same luscious lady, there she is now."

Mark left Derek to gape after him as he casually intercepted Siobhan and Maeve with kisses for both and his most charming grin. Siobhan ignored Mark, as she always had, but when his back was turned, Derek caught a look on her face that floored him. His usually sardonic, hard bitten sister was smitten with Mark Sloan. God help her.

For not the first time he wondered about her living arrangements with Keith, her husband of three years. Was she living the way she did with him because of Mark? Was that possible? Wow. Siobhan was intensely private and never spoke of her relationship with Keith, to her family.

The sister who most physically resembled Derek, with gorgeous thick black curls and midnight blue eyes and a smile to light the night, was very like him in this too. He'd never wanted to discuss Addison or his marriage to her with his family either. Derek sighed and shrugged. Siobhan, of all his sisters was tough, and could definitely take care of herself. It wasn't his business and he already had more than enough on his plate with Meredith still so fragile and still on a psychological and emotional seesaw.

Derek walked after Mark in time to hear him shamelessly flirting with Sio.

"Yeah, big guy. As if I haven't heard you say that to a hundred other girls," Siobhan dryly deflected Mark's blandishment, but a belatedly hyper-observant Derek saw the flash of longing in her eyes, "Go examine Meredith. We all want to know how she is."

Derek paused and watched Mark enter Meredith's room. He couldn't believe he'd been so selfishly blind for so many years that he hadn't known how the sister, who'd once been so close to him, felt. He hadn't known what was going on in his own marriage either in that same time frame. God, he'd been a self-centered jerk in New York.

Derek resolved once again to wake up and be present in his life for more than work. And he supposed he should also say for more than Meredith too. She'd asked him over and over to renew his closeness with his family and Mark. She'd told him that she thought he needed them and now he saw she'd been right. His pretty girl was so smart and generous. Having his family and Mark close enhanced both his work and his relationship with Meredith. It didn't take away from them. He walked forward and put his arm around his sister.

"Siobhan, thank you."

"You're welcome," Sio didn't bat an eye, "What for?"

"For visiting me a few months ago and not taking 'no' for an answer. For helping to reconcile me with the family again. For making good on your promise to get to know Meredith as much as possible over email and the phone. For accepting her. For coming here a few days ago when I was going out of my mind and just being there when I needed you. I love you," Derek hugged his surprised sister, "and I'm sorry I've been a selfish bastard to you and the other girls."

"I love you too, Derek. You're my favorite brother," Siobhan smiled her 'day is dawning' smile.

"I'm your only brother," Derek answered ruefully, smiling the same smile that had once belonged to their dad, "Let's go see my girl."

He started into Mer's room feeling as if he hadn't seen her in days when in reality it was only minutes. He idly wondered if he'd ever really get over what had happened or if he'd ever feel comfortable leaving her alone again. He was definitely a hundred percent more protective.

Derek sighed and thought, _one day at a time, that's all we can do._

"Derek, wait a minute," said Siobhan, "I want you to know that I totally welcome Meredith now. So does Mom. She's horribly embarrassed over how she treated Meredith at first. In fact, she was so upset over the news that Meredith had been attacked that she woke up her priest and prayed with him through the night, for you and Meredith, until we had to leave for the airport. We're both starting to love her. You're perfect together and I'm so glad you're happy. So, okay?"

Siobhan waited to see if Derek had really forgiven her for being opposed to Meredith in his life at first.

"Thanks, Sio, okay," Derek hesitated and then said, "Siobhan, I know this is none of my business and I am not pressing you to talk, but I have to say it... I know that even though you and Keith have the twins, and you come to all the family gatherings together, smiling, you and he are sleeping in separate beds in separate parts of that big old house you bought. No, don't ask me; how I found out isn't important. But if your marriage isn't right, or if you're in love with another person," Derek swallowed painfully, "and you need someone to talk to; someone to be on your side, I'm here for you. God knows you won't find a more sympathetic ear elsewhere! I really do want to be there for you, Sio."

Siobhan simply stared at him, her cool, beautifully made up face marked with a mixture of emotions, chief among them, embarrassment and gratitude.

"Thank you, Derek, I'll think about it."

Arm in arm, brother and sister went in to see Meredith.


	51. Escape

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 51: Escape**

Meredith stealthily escaped down the hall, painstakingly dressed in a lab coat over intern scrubs and holding a clipboard in front of her face. She went as fast as she could, but she thought an octogenarian with a walker could still out pace her. The bruises on her hips, thighs and back were still making it difficult to walk, so she crouched over a little to ease the strain. She brushed her hair off her face, with her good hand, in frustration and made for the back service elevators with her crabbed walk. She didn't dare use one of the main ones, where she'd surely be caught -- and that just couldn't happen.

She'd had it. She was desperate. She'd been alone the majority of her life, and now here she was in the middle of a crowd for days. She couldn't breathe! If one more person asked her how she felt, she was afraid she'd bite his head off à la Ellis Grey.

_And that would be a shame, right?_ she asked herself guiltily while sneaking painfully down the hall,_ I've wanted family my whole life and now that I have them, they're driving me crazy!_

The interns popped in at all hours, morning, noon and night, to check on her and hang out. They usually ended up eating and bitching in her room and, lord, she hadn't realized how much everyone ate and bitched. Derek hovered – constantly. Just this morning he threw a hissy on her for getting Izzie to help her wash her hair. Izzie stepped in and deflected the brunt of the heat, thank goodness. Derek repeatedly got crabby with the interns and threw them out like she was a china doll, for heavens sake.

Derek's mom kept tucking her in like she was three and _touching_ her. Maeve patted Meredith's hand, stroked her arm, and fingered her hair, as if Mer were one of her own daughters. All it did for Meredith was make her increasingly anxious. She fought not to cringe from her touch, because she didn't want to offend any of the Shepherds, including Derek, but she just wasn't accustomed to the casual intimacy. Siobhan had better boundaries than her mom, but she had a hard, sarcastic edge to her that Meredith neither liked, nor trusted. She also had Derek's face and smile in feminine form and that freaked Meredith out a little.

Guiseppe gently questioned her about their time together in Italy with Zachary hanging on every word, inadvertently exhausting Meredith as she spoke in two languages, filling in years of blanks for both of them and helping Zachary with the new language. Zach was picking up Italian faster than Meredith had. Derek hovered and dismissed them as well. It was driving Meredith up the wall.

Ellis Grey had come through the surgery fine and now Meredith could look forward to another five to fifteen years of watching Alzheimer's eat Ellis' brain. In the few quiet, reflective moments she had, that thought tormented her. Ellis' selfishness and cruelty, the day of the attack, were forever mixed up with the rapist's brutality and insanity. The horrible physical attack simply mirrored the terrible emotional abuse for Meredith. She was aware that most people wouldn't understand that the trauma from her mother equaled that of the rapist so she said nothing, as was her habit. It was just that the Ellis event was merely the tip of the huge twenty seven year ice burg as far as Meredith was concerned, and that certainly equaled the attack.

She dreaded the idea of facing the rapist/murderer later in court, as well as the idea of facing her mother from this point forward. The grinding feeling in her gut was exactly the same for both thoughts. How was she possibly going to do either of those things?

So far, because of Guiseppe, Mr. Sandage and Maeve, she had not had to do anything for her mother. She hadn't even seen her since that terrible day. Both Mr. Sandage and Maeve had filled Guiseppe in on what they knew of the events between Ellis and Meredith prior to the attack, so the three were in full protective mode and had taken over the care of Ellis. Maeve had even taken it on herself to keep Ellis company several hours a day so Meredith and Derek didn't feel obligated to see to her themselves. Ellis was well enough now to be taken back to Roseridge late this afternoon, so some of Meredith's constant tension over her eased.

The news that Ellis was able to leave the hospital was what sparked her own minor rebellion. If Ellis could leave, why couldn't she? She was rebellious but not foolish. Meredith carefully waited until the time was right.

Derek was in surgery with Izzie, thank heavens, while Mark and Alex were busy with two very badly burned victims of a house fire. George was in surgery with Bailey. Cristina was still at home, at Burke's insistence, although she'd called several times and commiserated with Meredith over missing all the kewl surgeries. Guiseppe and Zachary were visiting Ellis before they went for a late lunch.

Mom (as Mrs. Shepherd insisted Meredith call her, she still wasn't used to that) and Siobhan had been busy since early morning shopping for the furnishings Derek and Meredith had picked out in magazines and on-line for Derek's guest cabin. They all, including Derek, thought Meredith needed a real home, ready and waiting for her at the lake, when Adelmann and Sloan released her. Meredith just thought it was a good plan to keep them occupied.

Meredith made it to the service elevator and sighed in great relief. She knew that making it off the floor without being busted was half the battle. She had to get out of here. When the doors opened on the lobby level, Meredith peeped out in both directions to see if the coast was clear before she ventured, rather unsteadily, across the vast expanse to the outer doors. She made it through and paused to sit for a moment. She was panting from just that much, for heaven's sake. Everything hurt but it was worth it to get out. Her cab should be here any minute so she was almost free. She could enjoy being outside while she waited, she thought, she'd been cooped up way too long.

Meredith enjoyed soaking up the sun's weak rays but couldn't help the frisson of unease up her spine as she looked across the parking lot. Even in the watery sunshine of daylight, the parking lot seemed very dangerous and dark. There were literally hundreds of places for someone to hide. She shifted uncomfortably as her disquiet grew. She stared fearfully at everyone coming and going, twisting her hands in her lap. She thought about waiting for her cab inside but convinced herself she was being silly. Even so, Meredith couldn't calm the hyper vigilant guarded stance she'd unconsciously adopted.

A yellow cab pulled up and Meredith leaped for it. Well, that is to say, she hobbled over to it with alacrity. The driver asked 'where to?' and grimaced when she mentioned a place across the street. Then he took a long look at her bruised face and listing body and understood the need for a two block ride. Meredith gave him a hefty tip for his troubles, asked him to return in an hour, and made a beeline into Joe's. She heaved a huge sigh of relief when the doors swished shut behind her. She'd made it.

The softly lit interior and familiar aroma of fresh popped popcorn were balms to her claustrophobic nervous spirits. She slowly made her way to a tucked away, nearly hidden booth in the empty bar. The bar stool she'd normally go for didn't have the cushioned seats or back support she needed now. Mer edged off her tennies with her toe and propped her feet on the seat across from her, settling back in the booth until she was as comfortable as possible. She actually felt somewhat normal. It was a miracle.

Joe came out from the back storage room and bustled to take care of his off hours customer.

"Dr. Grey? What the ...? What the heck are you doing here? I heard about what happened to you. Your head ... you almost died. There is no way you should be out of the hospital yet," Joe was unusually loquacious in his upset over seeing a battered and bruised Meredith Grey listing at his table.

How could Shepherd have let Grey out of the hospital so soon? Her head couldn't have healed enough. What were those eggheads thinking?

"Joe, please, I needed away from there. I needed to be alone and normal. You remember how it was when you had surgery, right? Okay?" Joe almost drowned in Meredith's pleading liquid eyes, one surrounded by yellowing bruises.

"Oh ... yeah, okay, I guess. What can I get you?" he totally couldn't do anything but give in to her pleading.

"Iced tea and the mixed appetizer plate, and Joe?" she called as he turned away, "I'm a little cold. Do you think I could borrow a jacket or something?"

"I'll be right back."

Joe hustled upstairs to his living quarters and grabbed two blankets, thinking that if Dr. Grey admitted that she needed something then she must be in dire straits. Then he paused. Maybe he should give someone a call. Hm. He knew from the jungle drums that Karev was Grey's intern so he quickly called him and tattled a message that Meredith was safe in the bar. Maybe someone might want to come get her?

"Here, Meredith, there's no one else here. Go ahead and bundle up."

Joe covered her feet and legs with one blanket and handed her the other. Then he switched on the TV and handed her the remote. Meredith draped the second blanket gratefully around herself and surfed channels until she came up with a fashion reality show. Designers competed every week in different fashion challenges, eliminated one by one until there were three that got to make a collection for New York's fashion week. It was as opposite to the hospital or recovering from a life threatening attack as she could get. She loved fashion and seldom had a chance to indulge herself anymore in that or in television. Besides, it was girlie, and she needed girlie.

Joe grimaced at her choice, but poured her iced tea and delivered it to her table without comment. Meredith half watched the show and half thought about the escalating fear she'd experienced in the parking lot. That was bad. She was going to have to get over that as soon as possible if she planned on working at Seattle Grace again, or anywhere else that required parking for that matter. Joe placed a huge plate of every appetizer he sold in front of Meredith. Her jaded taste buds woke up at the luscious aroma of tons of forbidden calories. Amused at the runway show the designers were putting on, she nibbled at the food in front of her. Gradually, minute by minute, Meredith regained herself.

Yes, she'd always wanted and needed family. It had been a driving force in her life for years, but now she was so accustomed to alone time that she required a lot of it as well. As her peace increased, her relaxation increased, and her left over parking lot anxiety disappeared.

_What a mess,_ she thought, smiling wryly to herself, _I'm a learned loner who wants family. Deal, Meredith._

The doors swished open and shut. Meredith could hear a man and a woman casually chatting together as they approached. As they drew closer, Meredith stiffened. She recognized the distinct sound of New York in both voices. The couple were sitting in the booth directly behind her. She could clearly hear every word they said through the lattice partition.

_At least they haven't seen me,_ she told herself.

But now she was in a real quandary. How was she supposed to get out of here without being busted? That question became a minor consideration when she overheard the direction the conversation behind her was going in. She froze and before she could decide that the best thing to do was reveal herself they were already in very personal, embarrassing territory. Meredith was well and truly caught now between a rock and a hard place. She decided to pretend she wasn't there and hope they didn't discover her. Frantically, she waved to Joe, catching his attention and pressing a finger to her lips in a shushing motion, then indicated the pair behind her. She relaxed slightly when he nodded, then tensed again at the conversation.

"Aw, come on Siobhan. You and I always had a strong connection. You're here, I'm here. It's the perfect opportunity. No one back home will ever know. How come you keep saying 'no'?" Mark Sloan said seductively to Derek's married sister, Siobhan.

Mark and Siobhan had entered Joe's bar in the middle of the afternoon when they thought it was completely empty. They exchanged glances and Mark waved Sio to a seat. She chose a comfortable booth and he followed.

There had been a jocular, admiring note in his seductive voice when he'd asked the question.

"Mark, are you really still talking to women like this? Particularly me? I've known you most of my life, fool.

"How come I keep saying 'no'? How about because I'm married?" Siobhan arched a perfectly plucked brow and said dryly, "How about because you see me as just another conquest and couldn't really give two cents about me? How about because you don't really mean it, and are just playing the game out of habit because you don't know how else to relate to a woman? How about because this isn't a good way to treat Derek's sister? How about because I gave you a chance twice before and you ran for the hills?"

"Two chances? What do you mean? Oh, are you still holding Nancy's wedding against me?" Mark said, conveniently ignoring the rest of her pointed questions, "Aw, Sio. No fair. I was young and stupid," he excused himself with a charming grin and dimples slashing his cheeks.

"No,_ I_ was young and stupid. You've always been three going on forty and a complete dog – besides being offhandedly cruel and thoughtless –not to mention sexually immature to the point where all you care about is immediate gratification. I was one of Nancy's bridesmaids and you were the groomsman who was supposed to be my escort and my date. I wouldn't put out, being the good Catholic girl I was, and you dumped me like I was nothing, to go sniff after Nancy's maid of honor. Do you know how humiliating it was to find you two in the waiters' pantry with your pants down?" Siobhan sneered at him.

Joe brought them drinks and got their food order before Siobhan continued, sneering at herself now, "Of course, it didn't help that I had had a humiliating crush on my little brother's best friend since I came home for Christmas my junior year as an undergrad. Me, in love with a boy in high school. My sisters knew about it, of course, even though I did my best to ignore you. Which is why they maneuvered the wedding party the way they did a few years later, and I ended up with all illusions gone and my heart ripped out. What? What's with the shocked look? There has always been a lot of fall out from your rotten behavior, Mark. It's just that you've usually gone merrily on your way leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces."

"Siobhan, really, I had no idea ..." Mark sounded sincere, but Siobhan didn't trust it.

"Why, Mark! Why haven't you had any idea what you've done to people, to me, to Derek, along the way? Are you really that selfish and blind? Or are you just stupid?" Siobhan said with her characteristic sarcastic edge, "I know that you were in love with Addison for years. Is that what made you act the way you did? Because that's just wrong. You screwed your best friend's wife. The mess you and Addison made when you had an affair, was the first mess you actually paid heavily for, as far as I can see. You're darn lucky you have so much medical talent to bolster all that charm and those good looks, otherwise you'd be about as interesting as a paper doll."

Siobhan stopped and peeled the paper off a straw. She carefully swirled her soda with it making the bubbles surface and pop. Then she glanced back up at a dumbstruck Mark, who had been flirting with Sio, as he always had, never expecting to get anywhere, never expecting Siobhan (who could be dark and terrible with others, but never him) to give him a verbal tongue lashing.

"Sio ..."

"Mark, why do you think I approached you five years ago to be the father of my child?" she asked and glanced over her shoulder briefly at a strangled sound behind her in the next booth, then faced Mark again, "That was your second chance with me, by the way."

o-o-o

Meredith hated gossip with a passion. It was almost a cause with her, having been its victim repeatedly. The last thing she wanted was to be caught in a position where she was eavesdropping on a couple's private conversation, especially Derek's sister and best friend. It was just too distasteful besides being way too much information.

She gathered herself and looked towards the back of the bar to see if there was a way out that way. Maybe she could casually head for the restrooms and then duck behind the bar into the tiny kitchen. Joe had to have a back door there. She'd just keep the blanket over herself and hopefully Mark, who'd be able to see her as she approached the bar, would think that Joe had been feeding a homeless person.

She shifted towards her getaway and suddenly felt very woozy. The conversation kept going behind her as she leaned her head back. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea after all. Meredith extended a shaky hand and sipped at her iced tea, waiting for the dizzy sensation to leave her. Damn it.

o-o-o

"Well," Mark stumbled, trying to answer Sio, "You were almost forty and hadn't married yet. I just thought you'd decided you couldn't wait anymore for the right guy to come along, so you decided to have the baby first and keep looking for the right guy later. I couldn't do it though. I'm not good father material, like all the men in the Sloan family. You wouldn't have wanted those genes, trust me."

Mark frowned, thinking the word 'bastard' didn't adequately describe his father, brothers and grandfather.

"Mark, that all sounds good, but I had to admit after you turned me down, that I was still in love with you. By then I knew it would never happen, you're such a jerk, but pathetically, I'd still wanted to have some part of you to hold and love ... totally selfish reason for having a child, I get that now."

"Siobhan, you were in love with me? But ... you never said anything. You and Keith ..."

"Keith was my best friend, Mark. Still is. He wanted children too, but couldn't have them the straight forward way either, because he's gay. We married before I was inseminated to give him legal rights and legitimize our twins. They have a mother and father who live in separate private areas with common family areas in the same house. We agreed to blend our lives in order to raise our children together. So far it has worked out really well," Siobhan calmly sat back as Joe delivered food and refreshed their drinks.

Then she looked Mark in the eye, "So, Mark, I've spoken with Meredith; I know how much you want to repair your friendship with Derek. So grow up! There's no other way. Derek has had to grow up at last, and if you want to keep pace with him you'll have to learn from your mistakes and make some changes! You're thirty nine years old for God's sake!"

Mark stared at Sio. He felt like he was seeing the woman he'd known since they were both kids, for the first time. What the ... ? Siobhan had said she'd loved him her whole life. Really? Sure, she'd asked him to consider being her sperm donor, but he hadn't taken her seriously. Then the next thing he knew she was married and pregnant with twins. He knew now she'd never been more serious. How had he missed this?

"Siobhan, I know it didn't sound like it but a lot of things _have_ changed with me," Mark finally said slowly, feeling his way and dropping his habitual seductive routine.

Siobhan looked at him with Derek's and her dad's deep blue eyes, her perfectly made up face skeptical, "Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Addison's mostly out of my system, Sio. I loved her, yeah, but she was always the unobtainable princess in the tower. After she used me the way she did to deliberately hurt Derek, and after we tried to live together for three months, I'm done. Addison turned out to be incredibly high maintenance with a bigger ego than mine and Derek's combined, not to mention that frostbite is a distinct possibility in her bed. Hardly a lover's dream. All those years I spent loving an illusion, not the real woman."

"So, you've decided you wasted fifteen years mooning after Addie. So?" Siobhan wasn't in the mood to give him an inch.

"Meredith and I are friends ... real friends. I've never been real friends with a woman before. Usually I ... well, you know."

"Yes, I know."

"It's different, and it affects me. She's helping me open the door to having Derek as a friend again ... and I've been teaching ... it turns out I like it sometimes. Who knew? And I've been working on reorganizing Plastics. The old guy who ran it before me was very out of date in his equipment and his methods. It's been kind of kewl ... challenging, you know?"

Siobhan sipped her drink and said nothing as she considered him.

"Most of all, I'm living out here in the God cursed rain and gloom because I want a second chance with my friend. You're right, I've been so selfish my whole life, I'd never have done this before. It's been weird," Mark looked a little shame faced at his admission.

He was watching a small person, wrapped in a blanket, crouched over, and hobbling painfully to get behind the bar. Where had she come from? Then he noticed intern blue scrubs on her legs. What? ... Who? ... The woman twisted sideways a little to maneuver and Mark caught the side of her face.

"Meredith? ... Meredith!"


	52. Busted

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 52: Busted**

"Oh no you didn't! I am _not_ looking at my patient who was beaten and stabbed to a bloody pulp just days ago walking around in a bar! _My_ _patient_ who is also a doctor, no less. One whose intelligence I'm totally questioning right now, by the way," Mark exclaimed as he marched over to her.

Meredith had frozen at the first sound of her name, knowing she was totally busted. _Crap! _She frantically tried to think of something to say and drew a blank. The next instant Mark was looming over her, breathing fire.

"It's okay Mark, I signed an AMA form before I left," Meredith said inanely, more than a little intimidated by the man standing over her in a towering rage.

"What the hell?! Yeah, that's going to make everything alright. AMA means 'against medical advice', dummy," Mark growled, even as he grasped her elbow and guided her to sit down at a table, "It doesn't mean 'asinine moronic activities'. This is stupid even for a first year intern!"

"Mark! Stop yelling at her. She's pale and sweaty, not to mention short of breath," Siobhan said, "She must be in tons of pain."

"Good! Damn it!"

"Meredith? Meredith?!" called a new voice.

Everyone turned to look at Alex Karev framed in the doorway.

"Crap," said Mer under her breath and frowned at Joe, who was wiping glasses behind the bar.

"Karev, lose something?" asked Mark sarcastically, switching targets, "How the hell do you let a patient get so far off your watch?!"

"It wasn't his fault," Meredith tried, "I waited until you were both with those burn victims."

Mark glared angrily at both of them while Meredith fought to her feet.

"My cab will be here any minute," Meredith said as defiantly as she could, "I'm going home."

The cacophony of denials from all three nearly deafened her. It was Siobhan who won out.

"Meredith, you are still way too fragile to be on your own, you must know that, so what is really going on?"

Tears of frustration sprang weakly to Meredith's eyes. She shook her head mutely, admitting defeatedly to herself that Siobhan was right. She was dizzy, sick to her stomach, and in pain. Her happy plan of Joe's, then home, just wasn't going to happen. She was going to be put right back in the hospital, she knew it. She plopped back in her chair and slumped.

Mark watched the light drain out of her and said in a much softer voice, "Meredith, what's really going on?"

"I want to go home," Meredith wailed forlornly and rubbed her aching head, "I want to sleep in my own bed."

"Doll, you aren't well enough yet, you know that," Mark murmured to her and sank down on his haunches in front of her, "You're making great progress, but you're still recovering. What are you running away from?"

"All the family," said Alex bluntly, "I wondered when it would all get too much for you."

Meredith hung her head in shame.

"Genie Eyes, it's called asking people to give you a little space, not running away like this and jeopardizing your health after everything you've been through. Hello, can you say reverting to old patterns? I'm just surprised we didn't catch you with a tequila in your hand," Alex hammered her.

Meredith glanced up at him reproachfully.

"Meredith, you need to be back in bed now. Let's get you back to your room and then you can tell us exactly what you need from all of us after you've had a nap and some pain meds," Siobhan said as softly as she ever said anything, since Meredith really did look so pitiful, "Come on now, no more foolishness."

Mark and Alex helped her up and walked her between them to the parking lot. Mark paid off Meredith's cab and put her in his own car. They rode in silence back to the hospital, everyone thinking his own thoughts. Meredith sighed in frustration and pain. Siobhan wondered how much Meredith had heard. Mark knew Derek would kill him. And Alex closed his eyes in intern exhaustion, cat napping for the few minutes back to the hospital.

o-o-o

"So, I hear you went for an unauthorized stroll, baby. What were you thinking?" asked Derek in a low voice, stroking his fingertips over her hand and kissing her cheek.

Meredith sighed and stopped pretending she was asleep. She supposed she'd have to face him sooner rather than later. She'd just planned on it being later in her own bed. Her plans were just not working out today, that's all. She was sick of being sick, she thought crankily.

"I wanted to go home," Meredith admitted pitifully, almost pouting, "I left you a message on your service, Derek. You would have gotten it when you got out of surgery."

"I know, Meredith. Telling me to meet you at your house when you should be safe in your bed here, was a little cryptic, don't you think?" Derek had a thread of steel in his voice.

"Derek, don't be mad, okay?" Meredith sounded like a little girl.

"I am angry, Meredith. You knew better, and you endangered your recovery. You can barely walk, let alone go home," Derek said sternly as a doctor, more than as a boyfriend, "I want you to promise me you won't do something so foolhardy again. I can't believe Mark found you at Joe's!"

Meredith cringed at the incredulity and strict command in his face. She could see he was really disappointed in her. That hurt the worst.

"I thought you were past running away to Joe's," Derek said frowning at her "Talk to me."

"Derek ... Derek ... I ... you hover!" she finally blurted out after staring into the distance and stumbling for words, "Your mom and my step dad tuck and touch, my friends bitch and eat, Alex and Mark boss me all the time, Zach chatters, and I couldn't figure Siobhan out (well, I couldn't before Joe's anyway)," she said that last under her breath, "I can't get comfortable in this stupid bed, and I want my own bed and bath, and I know I'm whining! I just don't want to be sick anymore. Besides, this cast and these darn sutures itch! Okay?!"

Derek waited for Meredith to look up and said mildly, ignoring everything else she said for now, "So, I hover, huh?"

"Yes ... constantly. I know you've really been worried about me ... but now I can't make a move without you watching me, honey, and you're driving me crazy," she said in a small voice, then glanced at him under her lashes.

A small smile crossed his handsome face.

"Derek, are you laughing?" Meredith pouted. She couldn't help it. She knew she was being childish, but she couldn't seem to help it, "I wanna go home."

Derek sighed as relief rippled through his system, "You're getting better. You really are. Thank God."

"Derek, what are you talking about? Stop smiling. Don't you get it? I want everyone to leave me alone!"

"I get it, Meredith, I do. You've been so meek and tolerant you've worried me to death," Derek kissed her lightly all over her face while she tried to squirm away, "Getting crabby means you're finally really getting well." then his voice turned strict again, "We'll see what we can all do to stop smothering you, but I swear if you pull a stunt like that again ..."

His threat hung on the air until Meredith cheekily taunted, knowing she could get away with it, "You'll what?"

"I'll delay your release papers from this hospital for three extra days, Miss Smarty," Derek declared, inspired by her sass, "Now, lie back and let me see if you did any damage to yourself."

"Derek, Drs. Sloan, Adelmann, Karev and Bailey have already checked me over – twice. Come on!"

"Shut up. Now Dr. Shepherd is going to examine you. You're lucky I don't have you sedated and chained to your bed for the duration."

"Ah! Derek! Hovering!"

"No, you may consider this payback for leaving the hospital like that. The next time I do it, it will officially be hovering," he gave her a boyish smile and then proceeded to professionally examine her, ignoring all further protests.


	53. Discussions

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 53: Discussions**

"Grey!"

"Yes, sir," Meredith had gone back to professional courtesy since Mark had kicked her butt after catching her in Joe's two days ago.

"Come to my gallery at two; Sio can bring you in a wheelchair. Karev you're with me on the floor. I want you both to watch me perform a facial reconstruction for one of the burn victims. I want you where I can personally keep an eye on you _and _where there's a possibility of cramming some learning into both your demonstrably empty intern heads, while I'm at it," he grumped that last at their overjoyed expressions.

Mark had kept Meredith almost on lock down for the last two days, irritated like the _prima donna_ he was, that she'd risked herself and all his careful work. Alex, unfairly, had been put on changing bed sore bandages. Meredith, knowing that she deserved some of it, had gritted her teeth and born her punishment. Alex had groused but had grimly hung on. So this was a major concession that thrilled them both. Of course, Mark was also sending Sio and Cristina with Mer to keep an eye on her in the gallery, but who cared? Meredith and Alex were about to get some major surgery time. Yay!

"No more than an hour, Meredith," said Shepherd, his arms crossed over his chest.

"But, Derek, really, I'm fine. I'll just be sitting there. What harm is there in that?" Meredith tried an innocent, meek smile, "I slept most of the morning away."

"I don't trust that smile for a second, lady. Sio, keep your eye on the time and on my girl, will you? Thanks," Derek leaned over and kissed his mulish girlfriend on the lips, naughtily running the tip of his tongue across the seam of her tight pressed lips. With his worry vastly reduced, he was starting to miss her in his bed, so he teased her a little.

"Derek, hover much? Telling Sio to hover is really you hovering! Stop it!" Meredith crabbily refused to kiss him back, turning her face away.

Derek just kissed her again with soft lips, sweetening his kiss until she gave in.

"You love me, baby, even when I hover," Derek smirked, annoyingly cute, "And you have to give me points for going back to surgery and letting you in Mark's gallery. Right?"

Meredith just stuck her tongue out at him childishly.

Two days ago, Derek had gone ahead and issued an order to all the interns to limit their visits to Meredith's room. They all had to eat in the dining mall again. If Meredith wanted to join them there, maybe she could, when she was up to it. Adelmann suggested starting the rehabilitative therapy for Meredith's shoulder, so her frustrated energy would now be put into something necessary and useful. She was obviously ready to be challenged. He was about as happy as Mark with Meredith's outing and expressed it with a creased forehead and basset hound eyes, followed by a twisting of his fat fingers, interlocking them together. Meredith felt like a criminal and sank low in her bed to avoid his look.

"Dr. Ingersoll will be down to see you before you head to the gallery. Love you," Derek kissed Mer again and stroked her soft hair from her face before he sped out the door to scrub in for his next surgery.

Meredith knew it was a mark of how much better he considered her that he was scheduling two surgeries a day now, but she still resented Derek's and Webber's insistence that she take therapy from the top psychiatrist on Seattle Grace's staff for the assault at work. Derek had said that this time they weren't going to go it all alone, either of them. Derek was getting closer to both Maeve and Siobhan, as well as Mark again, accepting their support, and their counsel. Dr. Ingersoll, who had been giving Izzie therapy since she asked for reinstatement, made time to talk with Meredith daily now. Psychotherapy was mandatory for Mer's eventual return to work too, like Izzie.

"So, how was the head shrinking?" Cristina asked as they settled in to watch the surgery a few hours later.

"You tell me, Cristina, you and Izzie have to see Dr. Ingersoll too, since you were also assaulted," Meredith replied peevishly.

At first, being forced to see Dr. Ingersoll was one of the things Meredith had deeply resented (feeling as if she were being punished) and one of the stressors that had pushed her out the doors to Joe's, but after the anxiety attack in the parking lot and her unreasonable break for impossible freedom, Meredith had quietly admitted to herself that she could probably use the help. Talking to Cristina snarkily on the phone just wasn't cutting it. Besides, Ingersoll was amazingly mild mannered and easy to tolerate. She was one of the least judgmental people Meredith had ever met, right up there with neurosurgery's Dr. Adelmann and the morgue's Dr. Yarber.

"She's not so bad," was the rave review from Cristina, who shrugged, eyes glued to the surgery below.

"How are the wedding plans coming?" Meredith asked, changing the subject from one that was still very uncomfortable for her to one that was very uncomfortable to Cristina instead.

Cristina immediately puffed up like a porcupine with its quills at the ready.

"_Mama_," she spat, "has told me that I absolutely may not wear a backless or strapless dress now that my back is scarred. _Mother _has been on the phone to me at least five times a day torturing me with colors, and doilies, and napkins! She wants me to pick bridesmaids! Bah!"

"Well, what does Burke say?" Meredith asked while admiring Sloan's adept speed, knowing that Derek would have protected her from his mom. There was a positive side to the hovering, after all, she mused.

"That's just it. When I said 'yes' to him, he agreed to getting married at the courthouse with just you and Shepherd as witnesses. But, now, it's as if he never heard me or at least has selective memory about what he agreed to. I tell him what I want and he ignores me to shove enough wedding cake down my throat to choke me," Cristina said, as dark and twisty as Meredith had ever heard her. This just couldn't be good.

"Have you asked Dr. Ingersoll about it? Maybe she could teach you how to communicate with Burke so that he really hears you," Meredith suggested.

"No, all I talk to her about is what it was like to see a pervert killer standing over my best friend," Cristina bared her teeth in a fake smile, "Burke's never even asked me exactly what happened that night. He just told me 'you make foolish choices sometimes, Cristina'. What am I supposed to say to that? Should I have run away and let you be raped with a knife? Damn him!"

Both women shuddered.

"Thank you again, Cristina. You saved my life at huge expense to your own," Meredith said humbly.

"You and McDreamy and McDreamy's family have already thanked me a hundred times. Enough ... stop irritating me. You would have done the same for me. It kind of rankles that I have to thank Izzie though. Barbie saved my life," Cristina shifted miserably at the admission.

"Cristina! You haven't thanked Izzie yet?!"

"You thanked her enough for both of us, don't you think?" Cristina said crossly, knowing what she needed to do, but unable to make herself behave.

"No, Cristina Yang, I don't think. You owe her and Derek. Be a woman. Pay up," Meredith said sternly.

After that the activity below heated up, and they sat enthralled, no longer talking.

Eventually, "Times up, Meredith," said Siobhan, who'd been maintaining silence the whole time on Meredith's other side, "Come on, I don't want the lecture Derek or Mark would give us if you stayed longer."

As Siobhan and Meredith made their way back to her room, leaving Yang in the gallery, Siobhan finally struck up the conversation Meredith had been dreading, but now couldn't escape.

"I'm sorry you had to hear the details of my life in the bar. I'm sure that wasn't pleasant for you," Siobhan said deliberately, above Meredith's head. There was a slight question in her tone asking Meredith for confirmation that she actually had overheard Sio's private conversation with Mark.

"I'm sorry I was there too, Siobhan. I'm not a gossip and I certainly won't repeat anything I heard. It just isn't any of my business," said Meredith bluntly after taking a deep breath.

"You haven't told Derek?" ask Sio curiously, still interested in the character of this slight girl that so enthralled her brother.

"No, it's not his business either. If it were, you would have already told him," Meredith stated.

Siobhan quirked an eyebrow. Hm. Meredith really did have a thing about gossip if she could keep silent to Derek over such a juicy piece of news as this. Meredith notched upwards in Siobhan's estimation again. She'd already raised considerably, after Sio had heard all the details of Meredith's spirited self defense in the parking lot, and again after she'd learned all about Ellis. She knew now that gossip was a key to Meredith's trust. Gossip and she wouldn't trust you, don't gossip and she would. Good to know.

"It's alright, Meredith. I'm planning on telling Derek tonight. And you should know the rest. Keith and I are thinking of moving to Seattle," Siobhan stopped walking and circled around to sit in on a bench, where they both looked out over the view, and Sio could see Meredith's expression, "He has a job offer from Microsoft that we both think he should take. It would be a huge step up for him and his lover has already moved here. I've been exploring job opportunities and neighborhoods while I've been here. But ... I wanted to ask you and Derek what you thought ... I've been waiting for you to be well enough ... I don't want Derek to ..."

Siobhan paused and looked around. It was strange to see the normally strong, straight forward woman, hesitant.

"Well ... feel like I'm crowding him. I know he came out here originally for a new start away from all of us," Siobhan turned to fully face Meredith and asked, "What do you think?"

Meredith's insides were alternately aching and clenching. With Siobhan here, Derek's family, all of them, would have a much greater influence and presence in his life. Somehow that scared Meredith, even though she knew it would be good for Derek. Siobhan was difficult to know, dark and twisty in her own way, but also very fond of Derek, as anyone could see. She'd also made a huge effort with Meredith over the last few months.

"What about Mark? You ... oh, there's no other way to say this, but, is it healthy for you to be so close to Mark again? You seem to really love ... erhm ... and he is still partying with lots of women...," Meredith miserably made a huge effort to speak her reservations.

"Mark and I continued our conversation yesterday, Meredith. He is through with Addison, for good. She was always there as his unobtainable love before, so he played around with everyone else as a total dog. He never looked at any other woman as a love interest," Siobhan rubbed her sweaty palms across her thighs, "I asked Mark to date me if I move here. I have a husband and a father for my children so I don't need him to make those kinds of changes. All I need is a boyfriend who can be an exciting lover and who shares my interest in medicine. I need Mark to let me love him and spend time with him – and I want everything he has to give me back, no matter what it is, no matter how much it is. I'm tired of doing without and I just can't seem to find someone else to love. Mark said he was interested. I think he's been lonely here."

Meredith didn't know what to say. She had grave reservations about all of this, but who was she to say anything? She hadn't lived Siobhan's life, or faced Sio's choices. All Mer felt she could do was try to be supportive, because she knew that Siobhan must already have decided. She wasn't really asking for opinions or advice.

"It will be wonderful for Derek to have you here, Siobhan. I know he's missed having his family close and he's going to love spoiling the twins. I don't know how he'll feel about you and Keith or you and Mark, but he's said that he's a lot less judgmental than he used to be before his own first marriage fell apart," Meredith shifted uncomfortably and Siobhan shook herself out of her self absorption to see that it was more than time for Mer to be back in bed.

"Darn, Meredith, I promised I wouldn't let you overdo it, and here I was the one who pressed you too hard," Siobhan quickly pushed Meredith's chair down the hallway and helped her out of it in her room.

Meredith paused in the bathroom first and then climbed back in bed. She said goodbye and good luck to Siobhan and then closed her eyes tiredly and thought, _I need to go home to get some rest._

o-o-o

"Now, I know why the patients always say this is stupid, Derek. It's because it's really, really stupid," Meredith sulked, "I can walk perfectly well. Tyler probably has a million better things to do than to push me to the door in a wheelchair."

Tyler and Derek exchanged commiserating glances over her head. They'd both born the brunt of her increasingly irrational ill humor the last few days. Derek had sloughed it off repeatedly without taking it personally or running away. He was actually rather proud of himself for weathering Hurricane Meredith so well. After Maeve and Siobhan had flown home, Mr. Sandage and Guiseppe had been there to bolster him and help him keep his head on straight so he hadn't been alone.

Guiseppe had gone ahead and rented a house in Seattle for himself and Zachary through August. They planned to stay until Zachary had to go back to school. Guiseppe said both of them needed more time to get to know Meredith. Zachary would also get to spend the summer fishing and he was thrilled. Meredith was really happy about it, but so far hadn't been able to express how she really felt through her current bad tempered shell.

"Hush, petulant girl, another few minutes and you're a free woman. I'm sure Tyler and the other nurses are as thrilled about that as you are. Focus on that," Derek said with both exasperation and good humor mixed. Tyler just rolled his eyes above and behind Dr. Grey's silky head.

Hospital personnel kept stopping them every few steps to say goodbye and best wishes to Meredith. By the time they arrived at the doors Meredith nearly leaped from her seat. Alex was waiting next to Derek's car, parked at the door, with two security guards benignly watching and ignoring all the rules they were breaking. All of them felt somewhat responsible for Meredith's injuries since it was one of their number who'd been drunk and passed out the night she was attacked, so they turned a blind eye now.

"We made it, genie eyes. Now don't overdo it once you're home, okay?" Alex leaned down and kissed her petal soft cheek, "See you later."

"Thanks again, Alex, for everything. I'm sorry I've been ... well ..."

"Cantankerous?" supplied Alex.

"Sullen?" added Derek.

"Crotchety?" Tyler put in his long suffering two cents.

"Mean?" the three men spoke together, then laughed when Meredith frowned at all of them.

"We're all just glad you made it through to bust our chops, Meredith. You have nothing to be sorry for. Just get well. See ya at home later this week," Alex said as he helped her to the car.

Meredith gave a final wave to all her well wishers and slid into the car, letting Alex close it behind her. A few more minutes and Derek and Meredith were on their way home to the lake cabin. They planned to spend three day weekends at the lake and the rest of the week at Meredith's house for the next few weeks.

"Oh my God, Derek, I can't believe I'm finally out of that place! If it weren't for surgery, I'd never go back!" Meredith exclaimed, then she sighed and sat back in her seat.

"So does this mean I get my sweet natured girl back, finally?" Derek asked pointedly, signaling for a turn into a fast food place.

Meredith had asked for the greasiest, most caloric, fast food on the planet as her first meal out of the hospital and she wanted to wolf it down in the car on the way home, like a barbarian. Derek had given in this once to letting her eat hamburgers in his new car, just to make her happy. Her mood had darkened so much and her tongue had turned so acid the last few days, that her doctors would have discharged her even if she weren't ready. Vitriolic Meredith was fun for no one.

"Maybe," Meredith grudgingly said, "I'll know after a cheeseburger, okay?"

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this. Don't ever tell Burke we ate at a place with so much heart unfriendly grease," Derek said, grinning as he watched his girl visibly lighten up at his indulgence.

"I won't tell, if you won't tell," Meredith actually smiled. She was finally free! Her head had stopped aching and her wounds were sealed, if not healed. Her bruises had faded considerably, her eye was better, and she had a plan to deal with Ellis. She and Derek were going home!

"Mom and Siobhan said to call and let them know how you liked the place, Meredith," Derek said, "They're getting Siobhan and Keith's house ready for sale. Sio was offered a position out here yesterday. She said that sealed the deal for her. Her family's moving to Seattle."

"Are you okay with that, Derek?" Meredith asked, looking at him closely.

"Yeah ... yeah, I really am. Siobhan was there for us on every level when you were almost killed. I can't forget that. I don't really understand her choice to marry a gay man, but I love the twins and I could never say she shouldn't have had them," Derek shook his head, "I've wanted children too."

He couldn't imagine willingly being in a marriage with no sex. The eleven cold years he'd endured were more than anyone should have to take, but Siobhan wasn't even living with coldness, she had nothing. No wonder she was sarcastically sharp all the time.

That thought made Derek glance over at Meredith speculatively. Maybe her surliness wasn't all from the hospital, after all. He grinned and drove a little faster. He was looking forward to the process of sweetening her up. There was still a lot she wasn't up for, but he was imaginative enough to think of other ways to satisfy them both.

They drove onto the ferry and Derek dumped the fast food trash before helping Meredith up to the deck. She was carefully wrapped in layers of fabric, but Derek handed her a scarf and gloves anyway. She was still weakened and he didn't want her chilled. Meredith sighed and leaned into Derek's hard chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. It had been so long since they were together, alone, and happy. Derek wrapped his arms around his girl and looked out over the view. His face was pressed to her soft hair and her familiar scent made him content. They swayed together looking out over the Sound letting the water and the salty air, the mountains and the greenery renew them.

Meredith leaned back from Derek and looked up into his face, "I'm glad we're going home. I've missed having you all to myself," she smiled softly at him and played with the black curls tumbling over his collar.

"Look at that," he teased, with his 'sexiest man of the year' smile spreading over his face, "all my girl needed was a cheeseburger, after all. I'll have to remember that path to your good side."

Meredith swatted at him, "Oh, you! I haven't been that bad! You're exaggerating!"

"The next time you go back to the hospital, you can ask Karev, Tyler, Olivia or even O'Malley if I'm exaggerating. All I can say is I finally saw the genetics of Ellis Grey in action in something besides your skill in medicine. If it weren't for this, I'd still be doubting you were her daughter."

"Derek! That's a horrible thing to say! I wasn't as mean as Mom! Was I?" Meredith asked uncertainly, worried now.

"Honey, no one is as mean as your mom. I'm just teasing you. I can't help it, I'm so happy to have you back," Derek leaned down and covered her soft, surprised mouth with his own.

Meredith instantly melted. He was so hard and warm, his mouth delicious and perfect. She twined her fingers in the curls at the nape of his neck and held him tightly as he deepened the kiss, touching her heart with his tenderness.

"I love you, pretty girl, I love you so much," Derek's voice cracked as gratitude that she was here with him overwhelmed him again. It was going to be a long time, if ever, for him to take their time together for granted once again.

Derek sat on one of the few benches on the ferry and pulled Meredith close to his side. She huddled under his arm and they simply sat and enjoyed the view until it got too cold for Mer and they were forced inside. Derek talked about his latest surgery and other normal topics so Meredith felt better moment by moment. It was really over. She didn't have to go back to the hospital, except for shoulder therapy and work.

She'd also been working with Dr. Ingersoll to alleviate the anxiety and panic she still had sometimes. So she guessed she'd keep seeing her. They'd put plans together to handle both the future care of Ellis and the trial of the rapist. Meredith felt better because she had plans to follow.

"Derek," Meredith said slowly after a while, "I told Dr. Ingersoll everything that Mom said and did on her lucid day. Izzie's right, she just looks at you, and you spill your guts."

"Did you tell her about that boarding school in Switzerland when you were a girl?"

"I never thought I could tell anyone else what happened there, but I did. I'm as surprised as you are. I told her about the Giordanos and Zachary. Then I told her about Africa. And I've never told anyone all of that," Meredith actually felt nervous perspiration break out across her forehead at the thought of Tanzania, "She's surprising. We have a plan worked out for Mom and I only feel a little guilty. Mostly, I feel relieved."

"What's the plan, honey?"

"Mom has more than enough money for her care. I've been very careful with her investments. There's enough to hire two full time nurses who will serve mainly as companions for her on top of the general caregiving staff of Roseridge. They can cover seven days between them. I don't ever have to see her again if I don't want to. And right now, I don't want to. The way she refused to talk to Zachary was the last straw. I'm going to use my accountant at the investment firm for bill and tip payments so I only have to drop in and check on Roseridge monthly and go over the accounting and medical plans bi monthly. Dr. Ingersoll thinks it could work for me. What do you think? If I don't make myself go see her any more, do you think that's too harsh?" Meredith asked Derek a little anxiously.

"Meredith, frankly, I don't understand how you've stuck it out this far. If you don't want to see that woman ever again, I don't see why you'd have to. Abuse victims shouldn't be forced to take care of their abusers. You've arranged for her to have excellent care which is more than she's ever done for you," Derek said carefully.

He didn't think he'd ever understand all the history and nuances of Meredith's relationship with Ellis. All he knew was that he wanted to minimize the hurt from this point forward. Let Meredith do whatever she had to do to be easier with Ellis. He'd support it.

"Your mom has been more of a mom to me since I've been hurt than my mother's ever been. She's asked me to call her 'Mom'. You and I are together now, and Maeve Shepherd is our mom, not Ellis Grey," Meredith gave him a wobbly smile, "Thanks for giving me a mom, Derek."

Derek couldn't resist kissing her, "You're welcome, baby. I just want you to be happy and healthy, that's all. You deserve lots of good things in your life now."

"I have you, Derek. I couldn't get better than that."


	54. Home Again

_**I think my season three will draw to an end within the next few chapters. sam**_

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 54: Home Again**

Derek had asked his mom to stay at the cabin on the lake to accept delivery of all the furnishings and to oversee workmen in last minute details. It had occupied Maeve away from the hospital for the last week of her stay in Seattle, giving Meredith a pause from too much company, and really helping Derek with the house. Siobhan had kept Maeve informed of Meredith and Derek's well being over the phone.

Then Guiseppe had stepped in after Maeve had gone home. His authoritative competence and continental charm were enough to keep the construction crew on their toes and keep them working on the main house. He actually found the project interesting and stimulating and had suggested several good ideas to Derek. The result of Maeve's and Guiseppe's support was that the cabin at the lake was completely done and furnished and the new house was totally framed with the exterior walls and roof in place when Derek and Meredith drove up.

Derek enjoyed Meredith's gasp of surprise and pleased exclamation, "Oh Derek, it's beautiful. I can't believe how much is done already. What did you do with the trailer?"

"I traded it to the construction foreman for his son. So the price of the trailer is in the new stainless steel appliances for the main house now. The cabin is all we'll need until the main house is finished. I asked Guiseppe if he wanted to stay out here with us, but he said that we needed our privacy, not a father with a little boy. I have to say I'm glad they chose to stay in town this time. We do need some space. Next year, when they visit after our main house is done, they can stay here, or if Zachary visits alone, he can stay with us in his room."

Derek parked and helped Meredith out of the car. Going from standing to sitting or vice versa, bending, was still problematic for her. Meredith started towards the cabin and Derek grabbed two suitcases and followed. She stopped every few feet and looked around like she was making new maps in her mind. Every change excited her and she praised his choices.

Derek went ahead and put their bags in the largest room and then went back out to the car to unload groceries. Meredith had just made it to the new double hammock in it's own heavy duty frame set in the dappled sunshine. The material was waffled with holes so water would drain. Meredith noticed it would be comfortable for two and grinned, picturing trying it out for more than napping.

Derek was already unpacking groceries into the brand new refrigerator when Meredith entered the finished guest house for the first time. He paused a minute to watch joy light her face. She excitedly looked around at every elegant detail clasping her hands over her heart.

"Derek, it couldn't be better. It feels warm and comfortable as well as elegantly high class. Do you like it? Did it turn out the way you wanted?" Meredith asked, searching his face.

"Yes, I love it. You picked the right color combination and Mom coordinated everything really well. I couldn't have done half so well, by myself and a designer would have been too impersonal. We only made one real mistake with furniture, you know, I showed you in the hospital, so I sent that piece back and replaced it."

It made Derek smile to watch Meredith wander through the house touching everything, oohing and awing as she went. He heard her exclaim in happy surprise several times when she opened cabinets and doors. The huge flat screen TV behind the carved mahogany cabinetry in the living room was a real favorite since Meredith loved watching old movies to wind down. The whirlpool tub in one bathroom made her clap and the shower big enough for two in the other bathroom made her sigh. There would finally be enough hot water to spend as much time in here as she wanted. Yay.

Meredith smiled at all the fresh bottles of her favorite bath products lining the shelves. She knew that was Maeve's touch. Derek wouldn't have thought of that. Then she grinned at the prominently displayed top-of-the-line electric razor. Maeve was definitely trying to tell Derek something. Meredith brushed her teeth and washed her face in her new sink. She casually brushed her hair as she wandered into the bedroom to change out of her clothes. They'd turned out to be a little too tight and restrictive for her wounds.

Meredith stepped out of her clothes and sighed in relief. She turned, in just panties and bra, and froze when she saw Derek leaning against the door jamb. Immediately she covered herself with the blouse she'd just pulled off. She didn't want Derek to look at her. She wasn't ready to look at herself, let alone let Derek look at her.

"Derek, you startled me!"

Derek eyed her knowingly and casually straightened, walking into the room. He pulled his sweater off over his head and unbuttoned his shirt. Meredith watched, mesmerized, as Derek tugged his shirt out of his pants and shrugged it off. He rubbed a hand over his lightly furred chest and belly making her catch her breath. Wow, her feminine body suddenly responded to the male beauty of his with a whoosh of feeling. Her mouth went dry as she watched Derek slowly unzip his slacks and then hook his thumbs in the waistband to lower and step out of them. He deliberately turned sideways so she was treated to the intriguing sight of the prominent tent his erection made in his shorts.

Meredith tore her eyes away and started looking for something to put on to cover up. Derek simply cleared his throat, drawing her attention right back to the spectacular view he provided. He hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his shorts and shimmied them slowly down, letting them catch on his prominence and pull it down until they slid off, allowing his gorgeous penis to spring back up, straight and stiff, ready to love her. Meredith moaned and couldn't take her eyes off it as he walked slowly to her. Derek softly brushed both hands over her hair, following the curve of her head into her throat, and then smoothing lightly over her shoulders and arms.

"You are as beautiful to me as I am to you. I love you the way you love me. I accept everything about you, good and bad, the way you accept me. Would I be diminished in your eyes if I'd been hurt?" Derek smiled warmly into Meredith's eyes.

She shook her head, "No, of course not, but ..."

"Believe me when I say this physical state I find myself in is all about you. I haven't been able to think of anything else but loving you for the last half hour. Trust me, okay?"

Derek took one of her hands and placed it on his chest. When she uninhibitedly caressed him he closed his eyes in pleasure and tilted his head back.

"Touch me, baby, I need it so much," said Derek, making it all about him, instead of her, so she could relax.

Watching his face, Meredith trailed her palm over the muscular pad of his pectoral and then lightly stroked over his deltoid. He felt so good – all hot, satin skin over hard muscle. She flattened her palm on his chest again and petted him to his abdomen. The corners of Derek's lips turned up and his belly rippled convulsively under her loving hand.

"Mm, that feels so good. Touch me more, honey, touch me all over."

Forgetting herself, Meredith dropped her blouse to use both hands to please her lover. She pressed both hands up his mid line and then caressed over his chest to both shoulders and down his sides to his hips.

"It's been too long since I've felt like this, sweetheart," Derek crooned to her and lightly hugged her, rubbing his hot bare flesh against her cool pale skin.

Meredith trembled and wanted to hide again when she saw his eyes open, looking at her. But then he dropped his warm mouth to hers making her mind blank to everything but his playful tongue. Derek barely traced the tips of his fingers around and around, over and over her soft back and arms, face and chest. Meredith's need mounted until she moaned into his mouth and clung tightly to his shoulders. She pressed into his long length nudging her tummy, making him pulse.

Suddenly, Meredith pushed him, urging him to sit on the end of the bed. She excitedly dropped to her knees to lick and kiss his heavy manhood. Derek sat up at first, watching her, but when the sexual thrills mounted, he spread his knees wide and dropped backwards on the bed, lying flat. Meredith wrapped her arms around his hips with her hands under the small of his back. She suckled his cock deeply into her mouth and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment.

Derek groaned and panted, trying to control himself, but ultimately Meredith had her way with him. She kissed and sucked him into heaven. He decided he was going to lie in heaven forever so he sank into their new bed and flung an arm over his eyes.

Meredith crawled up beside him and urged him up higher so he could lie full length. Grumbling, he complied and was only barely aware that Meredith covered them with a quilt and snuggled in beside him. In another moment he was deeply asleep, exhausted from weeks of very little sleep in an armchair, Meredith's cramped hospital bed and noisy on-call rooms. Meredith smiled mysteriously and closed her eyes in a deep dreamless sleep too, her healing wounds forgotten...

Something tickled her tummy several hours later and Meredith murmured and rolled to get away. The tickling increased across her back and bottom, feathering down her legs and finally driving her crazy between her toes. She slowly opened her eyes as she stretched her feet out to see Derek mischievously sitting up next to her dragging a fluffy little puff ball on the end of a flexible plastic stick across her sensitive skin. He feathered the insides of her calves and thighs and then trailed his little toy across her belly again.

Meredith giggled when he deliberately tickled her under the chin and behind her ear. Her nipples pearled and Derek unhooked the front clasp of her brassiere one handed. Still half asleep Meredith forgot why she'd been worried about nudity until Derek feathered the thin lines across the top of her breasts and the long line down her sensitive side following it under the curving underside of her breast. She shivered and wanted to curl up and cover herself.

That feeling slowly dissipated when Derek lowered his dark, silky curls to trace the same path over again, using his soft hair to tease her. Meredith shivered and quaked and then thrilled when he replaced his curls with firm lips. He nibbled at the tops of her breasts and then traced a path down her side following the line like he could erase it. And magically he could. Half asleep, Meredith's blood heated with every nibble, preventing shame from getting too tight a grip on her, until nothing else existed but her lover making light, tender love to her. All her uncertainty melted away as her banked need for Derek reawakened and intensified. She was suffused with sensual longing, not with fear or worry.

Derek was careful to apply no pressure to any part of her still healing body so the ache she felt was all pleasurably sensual. He alternated teasing her breasts with his fluffy toy and his gentle lips, then he teased his way down her belly to her tummy ring. As always, he stopped to circle it and play with it, nibbling her soft flesh all around. Meredith shifted off one of the largest semi healed bruises on her hip so she could concentrate on Derek's loving mouth. He pulled her panties down her legs when she lifted her hips, taking advantage of her shift. It felt natural and right to Meredith and delighted Derek. His kiss followed her panties down her legs and then he licked and nibbled his way back up.

Derek delicately licked and sipped from her feminine crevasse and was thrilled that Meredith was already letting him have such intimacy. She wasn't afraid of him or of sex. She'd always been amazingly open, giving, and hot in bed and she still was. Derek had been afraid that the vile creep who'd attacked Meredith had succeeded in stealing some part of that from them. He never doubted they'd be able to work through it and reclaim it, but it was a tremendous relief that they wouldn't have to. They already had mounds to overcome with her anxiety and panic attacks, her worry over the scarring and imperfections, and the constant unfavorable comparisons she made between herself and Ellis or Addison.

That last baffled Derek because it was so obvious to him that Meredith was so much more than either of those cold, rigid women. He'd said as much to Meredith while she was still hospitalized, in front of Dr. Ingersoll, but he wasn't sure it sank in. He'd made his point though. Ingersoll had taken note of both his concern and Meredith's reaction.

For his part, he was still too overprotective and bossy with her. He'd been working on not taking everything too personally, and he thought he'd made progress, but he still had to force himself not to hover every minute. It had helped when Guiseppe had intervened for him a few days ago and had made Meredith understand how he felt ...

"Derek! You're hovering again! Please, go sit over there and let me do it by myself!" Meredith had said, finally so exasperated with him that she'd wanted to shove him out a window.

"Meredith," Derek had started to speak semi apologetically, semi frustratedly, but had been interrupted by her step dad.

"_Bambina_," Guiseppe had finally, mercifully, sternly, intervened, "your wounds are obvious and deep and quite painful, _si_? Well, so are Derek's, and you have no care for him. It is time you see what we see, and think about someone besides yourself. For every wound you have, Derek has one too," Guiseppe's words, voice and face were unusually strict and they made pouty Meredith pay attention and straighten up.

"Look at it from his point of view. His beloved was attacked by a madman and for a time, he had no idea if she'd been raped or killed. For sure he knew she'd been brutally beaten and stabbed. Even her friends were beaten and stabbed. She was terribly hurt and he, an extraordinary healer, could do nothing to help her or her friends," Guiseppe had held up his hand to stop Derek, who had been trying to halt Guiseppe, "No, Derek, she needs to hear this. See, even now, he tries to protect you.

"Do you know how horrible it is for a strong man to be unable to help the woman he loves? Trust me, that brings a man to his knees, I've been there. Every moment he worried if you lived or died was utter torment. Your pain was his pain, your tears were his tears. Put yourself in his place. How would you have felt if it were Derek that had been stabbed, beaten and kicked?" Guiseppe relented a little and gave a gentle smile in response to Meredith's stricken look.

"So, if he needs to reassure himself by taking care of you now, then it would be very loving and kind on your part to let him. Gradually, over time, your relationship will balance out again, but in the meantime, how do you say? Cut the slacks for your man."

The mood lightened and Meredith giggled at Guiseppe's idiomatic mistake, "Okay, _Papà, _I'll cut Derek some roomy slacks."

Derek had smiled when Meredith had thrown her arms around her dad's neck and said, "You're the best, my _Papà, _and I love you."

Then she'd thrown her arms around Derek and said, "I'm sorry I haven't taken care of you the way I should have. I didn't understand."

Derek had hugged her gingerly to his heart and had gratefully nodded to Guiseppe over Meredith's head. Guiseppe merely shook his head wisely at the pair. Humph, even though they'd both been through years of study as doctors, they were still so young ...

Derek tasted Meredith's feminine passion and his own rose again. She was so beautiful and special – his strong, talented woman. He lapped her passions into a hot intensity and grinned when she moaned and clamped her thighs around his head. She threaded her fingers through his hair and tugged when molten heat suddenly erupted between her legs and shot through her system. Meredith screamed her release and Derek gave her soft nexus one last kiss, before nibbling his way up her body again. He rolled with her in his arms onto his back, and covered them with the quilt again.

"Oh, babe, that felt wonderful," Meredith murmured into his throat, "I love you so much."

"Meredith, I was a worried that we'd have problems with this after everything we've been through. A lot of couples do, I suppose," he softly questioned her, even as he commented, kissing her hair and snuggling her on his chest.

"I guess that ... man ... was more about general attacking and fighting for my life and overall safety for me," Meredith answered him after a long pause in a small voice, "He didn't manage to attack the sex act itself. Does that sound weird? Is that normal?"

"Oh, baby," Derek kissed her reassuringly, "I don't know, I'm just glad."

"I still feel so awful about how I look, but that's all, I guess," Meredith admitted.

"They're already just lines, Meredith, and Mark says they'll keep reducing. Soon, whatever is left won't even be noticeable to you," Derek nuzzled her temple, "They're invisible to me now. Besides, how could they grab my attention when you have two other lovely attention grabbers right here."

He naughtily felt her up, and Meredith squealed, "Derek! Hey!" then she giggled when he lightly tickled her.

He was still being extremely cautious when he touched her so he didn't hurt her. Meredith snuggled herself into a closer fit over half his body and closed her eyes, ready to sleep again.

"Hey, yourself, lady, you're going to have to let me up if I'm going to have any chance of sleeping tonight."

"Aw..."

"Up."

"Derek..."

"No."

"What if ..." Meredith rubbed him suggestively.

"Well, if you put it that way, c'mere you."

Meredith giggled excitedly as she mounted him for a slow ride back to paradise.


	55. She's Back

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 55: She's Back**

"Meredith! It's a boy!"

"Meredith! Webber reinstated me!"

"Meredith! Burke's driving me crazy!"

"Meredith! Sloan says 'now'!"

Meredith heard the chaotic, demanding jumble of her friends' voices coming at her from three directions and the phone all at once.

_Okay, now I know I'm back at Seattle Grace, _Meredith thought on her first day back, shuffling films, test results and surgical notes into order in a chart.

"Grey! Do you have my post op notes done?" Bailey demanded, preempting everyone, thank heavens.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey. They're here," Meredith said and handed her the stacks of finalized charts.

Bailey gave her a sharp evaluating look, nodded without speaking again, and obviously satisfied, with both Meredith's health and work, left without another word. One down.

"Cristina, yes, I heard you, I do want to talk," she said to the demanding, irascible voice in her ear, "but there's a ton of stuff going on here all at once. Let's get together when I get off shift to talk about it, okay? Joe's? Yeah, see you then."

Meredith looked up at the three interns champing at the bit in front of her computer station and grinned.

"George! Congratulations! A boy! That's great. Boys really run in your family, huh?" Meredith started with George, and then stopped Alex with a Diana Ross hand, before turning to Izzie, "Izzie, you made it! I knew you would! Derek's been bragging about you. You know he's trying to woo you away from general surgery to neuro now, right? I'm so happy for you," Meredith finally turned to Alex, "Sloan knows that Dr. Bailey gives me my assignments, not him. And Bailey didn't release me from her service to be Sloan's slave today. She doesn't trust me out from under her own eye, she said, I might get drowned in the bay next. Ha ha. Yeah. That's Bailey's idea of funny. I already told Sloan that. He can take it up with her."

"Meredith ...!" All three voices broke out again while Mer bemusedly looked from one to the other, actually able to hear and comprehend all three excited conversations at once. She'd obviously learned an unexpected skill set from all the time she'd spent in a crowd lately, she thought, her head swimming. She occasionally inserted a 'yes' or a 'no' or a 'good for you' but that was it. When had she become everyone's news bulletin board? Izzie and George were both babbling rapidly to her when they should have been babbling to each other like they used to. Their friendship needed to be repaired just so Meredith could have some peace, she thought, darkly amused. Meanwhile, Alex was insisting she come deal with Sloan herself, since he was being Satan's son that morning.

"George, tell Izzie all the details about the sonogram and what your mom said and how Callie is, okay? Then I'll catch up from her tonight after work. Great news, both of you. Come on, Alex. Really, what is Sloan's problem?! He's worse than usual today," Meredith deflected George and Izzie back to each other and walked away with Alex, who was insistently urging her to move faster.

She glanced over her shoulder, grateful that her eye had healed completely, and smirked at the sight of the two erstwhile friends semi trapped with each other. Maybe they could create a new friendship between them that was a little healthier than what they used to have. They stood a good chance, Meredith thought. Both of them had been doing a lot of growing up lately. And it had jerked George out of some of his self-absorption when he realized that the killer could easily have murdered Izzie. He'd tried to talk to her several times after that, but Izzie was gun shy of him now, after he'd shut her out so many times, and had refused to allow him closer than an acquaintance. Maybe Callie's baby would change things, Meredith thought as Alex swept her into an elevator and up to Sloan's office.

"I don't know, but he's been even more of an ass than usual," Alex said, exasperated, "Maybe you'll be okay with him, Grey, since you still have some patient cachet. It's your only hope."

Meredith knew it had to be bad if Alex was this frustrated and gloomy. He usually dealt with Sloan's irritating quirks with a detached equanimity, but not today. He knocked on Sloan's door, shoved her inside at Sloan's grunt, and was gone as if he had evaporated rather than walked. Okay, that indicated it was worse than she'd thought.

"Dr. Sloan, you know that I'm working under Dr. Bailey today. We had this discussion already," Meredith reminded him in exasperation, as she carefully looked him over.

He looked for all the world like the beast in 'Beauty and the Beast' before he was tamed. The scowl was the same.

Sloan glared at her, "Sit down."

Meredith reluctantly sat and waited ... and waited. Finally she cleared her throat. Attendings were the end. Really, Sloan was being very odd, and she didn't have time for this. Bailey had set out a full day's work for her. Sloan stood, tried to pace, couldn't in the tiny space, and in frustration, sat again.

"What is it?" she asked.

After a few more minutes, "What?!"

"Meredith ...," Sloan finally started speaking hesitantly.

She nodded, trying to keep him talking.

"Siobhan said you heard us in the bar."

She nodded again, uneasily.

"Siobhan and her family are moving to Seattle," his lake blue eyes flashed.

"Yes, I know," she admitted noncommittally, wondering where this was going. For some reason, ever since she'd been terribly, publicly hurt and then held captive in a hospital room recovering for forever, everyone had decided she was the perfect person to confide in. What was up with that?

"Sio and I ...," Mark's thoughts stalled, "Sio and I ... well ... what do you think?" he finally got out uncomfortably.

"Mark? I've never seen you like this. Are you actually worried? You really care about this, don't you?" Meredith was really surprised. She'd supposed that Mark would take a relationship with Siobhan very lightly and offhandedly as he had every other relationship he'd had with a woman. The one woman Mark had put more effort into, that she knew about, was the Adder. Meredith frowned slightly. Ew. She'd never understand Derek or Mark's attraction to that awful woman.

"Siobhan is perfect for me, Meredith. She doesn't expect me to be somebody I can't be – like a husband or father. She says Keith is that for her and she doesn't need or want anyone else in that position. Do you think she means it?" he asked anxiously.

Meredith slowly, uncomfortably, nodded. She didn't want to discuss this with Mark, but she'd actually already had several conversations about this with Siobhan, Derek and Claire, the youngest Shepherd sister. Siobhan was set on this course of action. She'd been unhappy for years, trying to achieve her career goals while longing for children and Mark. She'd had more success as a medical researcher than she'd ever dreamed, but had grown more and more cynical and bitter, without a love or family of her own.

In typical Siobhan take charge manner, she'd finally decided to get where she wanted to be, by an alternative route, if the main road was blocked. Now Siobhan had her career status and financial independence, a husband who dearly loved her and was her best friend, identical twin girls, and a chance at a relationship with the man she'd loved for over twenty years. Siobhan was going for it, risking her whole heart.

Meredith thought it was all very strange and very unlikely to succeed, but she also knew that she was hardly a relationship expert, and it wasn't her place to object. Siobhan was a smart, hardworking person who deserved to pursue happiness. She'd been miserable most of her adult life. Mark was someone who'd pursued married women for years so that they didn't ask more commitment of him than a brief affair. Now he had a chance to try something that was similar enough to his previous pursuits to be non-threatening and different enough to perhaps really fill the empty place inside of him. Besides, Mark genuinely loved Derek and Derek's family. Who knew? It all might work out for the best. Meredith really liked Mark Sloan and had finally decided to like Siobhan, so she wished them well.

Meredith had spent a lot of time lying in her hospital bed, observing Sio and Mark, and everyone else, for that matter. Mark had definitely become more and more intrigued with Sio as the days went by. It was as if a whole new door had opened for him and he was suddenly very interested. She tuned back in to what Mark was saying.

"I've known her since I was five years old, and we both know each other's family and history. Siobhan has never let me get away with anything," he smiled reminiscently, as if that pleased him. It probably did. He didn't suffer fools gladly.

"Meredith, is Derek okay with this?" Mark finally ground out his real question.

_Oh,_ Meredith thought, _if he makes a mess with Siobhan, he's afraid he'll lose Derek again. Mark really cares about this._

"Mark, why don't you talk to Derek directly about this? I really can't speak for him. You're good enough friends now that it would be okay. That way you'll be on the same page from the start," Meredith brushed her hair out of her face, "Besides, do you really see Siobhan asking her little brother for a vote about this? I don't think so. That lady has a mind and will of her own and Derek is smart enough to respect that. I think you should be too."

Then Meredith stood and stepped up in front of Mark's desk.

"But Mark, speaking as someone who's not your intern right now, but instead as someone who absolutely can't tolerate one more round of 'who hurts worse' with my people, it's not Derek you'll have to worry about if you screw over Siobhan," Meredith said very softly and very purposefully, her thin face set, "And make no mistake, Sio is now one of my people. Be up front with her and keep your agreements, whatever they are – no cheating or lying or sneaking. I mean it. If it doesn't work out, tell her to her face. Don't let her find out by catching you with another woman. This is your chance."

Mark raised his eyebrows and sat back in his chair in surprise, understanding that Derek's Meredith – tiny little Meredith Grey – first year intern! – Meredith Grey – was actually threatening him. He went from surprised incredulity to complete amusement. Siobhan would be as astounded as he was at the thought of Meredith as protection. Then he thought about Meredith charging a large criminal with a can of mace and a tiny knife after she'd already been badly stabbed three times. Well, okay then, respect crept in. Maybe he'd remember that the next time he razzed her.

Meredith heard herself and was surprised too. She never would have said such a thing or felt like this before. But she was with Derek and Derek's family now. Maeve had told her to call her 'mom' and had steadily mothered her for weeks. Maeve had even been there as a buffer between Meredith and Ellis. That was something Meredith appreciated more than she could say. Siobhan had sat with her through the pain filled nights more than once, giving Derek a sleep break, for no other reason than that Meredith was her new 'sister'. Meredith was starting to feel that they were family because they acted like family – they treated her like family, Meredith thought. Hm. She narrowed her eyes at Sloan and then turned and left, closing the door very deliberately behind her. She was surprised he hadn't laughed in her face, but maybe he knew she really meant it. She was also surprised to realize that she did.

"Meredith!" Derek's voice was happy to see her with none of the worry or hovering bossiness that they'd both struggled with for so long after the attack. They'd both recovered considerably; body, mind and spirit.

"Hi, I thought you'd still be in surgery. What happened?"

"We've been bumped to tomorrow," he said and shrugged even though it had annoyed him very much at the time.

Derek cast a professional, assessing eye over his girl and smiled. She was fine. Maybe a little tired, and impatient with all the first day back stuff, but she was okay. Ignoring the nursing staff who were watching them and whispering, Derek gathered her in a hug and kissed Meredith firmly on her soft lips.

"I'm glad you're doing so well today," he murmured against her lips, "no panic attacks?"

"No," she leaned away against his arms and shook her head, "just a ton of paperwork from Bailey. It's her way of welcoming me back and punishing me at the same time for taking all that time off."

"Meredith," Derek smiled into her eyes, "Bailey's just following protocol."

"Hey! No defending my boss when I grouse. You're supposed to do the boyfriend thing and tell me she's Satan's rat," she paused a moment at his arched eyebrow and patient look, "okay, his mouse."

"Better watch it, Derek," drawled a sardonic voice, "Tiny tot will kick your ass."

Derek looked up at Mark's interruption, "What?"

"Yeah," Mark completely ignored Meredith's narrowed eyes and frown while he tattled, "Meredith just threatened to kick my ass if I messed up with Siobhan. Totally threw me. I thought that threat would be coming from you."

Derek looked between them as Meredith scowled guiltily at Mark and then at him.

"Mer? Did you just put my sister ahead of your specialty?" Derek slowly asked, his dad's lovely smile (the one he and Sio had inherited) spreading across his face, "Did you really threaten to go all Xena on Mark if he hurt her?"

"No," Meredith stated emphatically, glaring at the big tattletale and then at her mate, who were chuckling, "I put _our _sister ahead of my specialty ... and I only made Mark a promise, that's all, not a threat."

Derek and Mark exchanged glances, thoroughly amused. Mark liked her chops and Derek liked Meredith's obvious growth. She wasn't running and hiding from family any more. She was embracing it. She was part of it and she was protecting it. Derek felt his chest swell with pride and love.

"Well ... ," Derek said to Mark, "Now that Meredith has taken care of it, I won't have to, right? Because after that last week in the hospital everyone knows she's a lot meaner than I am."

"Derek!"

"Believe me, I thought of that!"

"Mark!"

They were both grinning at her like baboons. On the one hand she loved it that they were actually playing and teasing together again. She knew it was a sign of how much their friendship had rebounded. But, on the other, it seemed that they liked to band together and target her. Not good.

"If you will excuse me gentlemen, I have work to do," Meredith said haughtily and started away, neatly turning the tables on Derek with her next words, "Derek, don't wait for me after work. I have a date at Joe's. I'll find my own way home."

Mark guffawed at Derek's surprised, worried, bossy, confused look, "Yep, she does like to get her own back. She's just turned you on your ear. At least you know she's really over the attack, right?"

"Mark, wanna get a drink after work?"

Mark laughed louder.


	56. The End

**Dreams of Love**

**Chapter 56: The End**

Meredith waited in a booth at Joe's for Cristina to show up. She glanced around the slowly filling bar enjoying the freedom of being anonymous, alone in a crowd. Her life was so much more balanced now, she thought, as she slowly sipped her soft drink. Even though she was enjoying Joe's, she had no desire for tequila at all – or men, other than Derek, for that matter. Officially living with Derek since she'd been out of the hospital had felt completely comfortable and natural.

If anything, facing the adversity of the attack and its aftermath had drawn them closer. During her recovery Meredith had started having sweet dreams about the future. Other women took them for granted, but she'd never really allowed herself to have them before. Also a woman couldn't ask for a more patient or tender man than Derek in a time of terrible trouble. Sure, he'd driven her crazy repeatedly, but it was a good crazy, she thought and smiled. Besides, how would she have felt if his had not been the first face she'd seen when she awoke from pain repeatedly after the attack? Luckily, she'd never know, because he had been there – hovering – every time. Meredith almost laughed at the thought. No one had ever cared enough to hover before. She secretly decided she liked it, even though at the time she'd railed against it.

Meredith rubbed her cast free hand and wrist, pleased the splint was finally gone. The fractures in them had been painful and horribly inconvenient, given her other injuries. Meredith still tried to hide her body from Derek when she thought about it, but Derek kissed her mindless so quickly when they made love that she soon forgot her rapidly healing imperfections. She hadn't been able to hide her bothersome nightmares and anxiety attacks from him either, but they, along with the low self esteem self talk and unfavorable comparisons, were diminishing with the help of Dr. Ingersoll.

"Hey, Mer, I'm finally here. Sorry I'm late, but it was horrible trying to get away!" Cristina huffed as she plopped down and signaled for a waiter.

"Cristina," said Meredith patiently, "you were off duty. What are you talking about?"

"No, no I was not 'off duty'. It was more 'work' than if I had been at work, and I'm done. I'm finished. It's over," she said dramatically and sipped her liquid courage.

"Cristina, what are you talking about?" Meredith tried to make sense of her friend's ranting but Cristina kept mumbling half to herself and half to Mer. It made it difficult to understand her.

"Look, there he is ... all smug after doing a coronary transplant surgery today while I endured _Mama_ marriage torture," Cristina spat resentfully in a low voice looking over her shoulder.

Meredith looked up and saw Burke enter the bar with Shepherd and Sloan in tow. Derek gave her an impish smile that said his bad boy could match her bad girl any time and winked. She turned her nose up haughtily, of course, even though her eyes sparkled with humor. Then her eyes crinkled with amusement at Sloan's high sign behind Derek's back, but she didn't let the smile cross her lips. They were a pair of juvenile delinquents when they got together. Who knew?

She did know very well that Derek was only here because she'd taunted him earlier. And Mark was his eager accomplice. She guessed they'd latched onto Burke either in their locker room after surgery or out in the parking lot. She glanced at Burke, but he regally ignored her. In fact he ignored everyone except the head of neurosurgery and the head of plastics as beneath his notice.

Cristina moaned and sniped, grousing in words, as well as in guttural grunts and broad gestures, which Meredith deciphered as Cristina calling Burke an amnesiac louse who was really a wedding loving Mama's boy. At first Meredith thought it was the usual sarcastic sniping and complaining they did with each other to blow off steam, but after Cristina's second stiff drink, she realized that it was far more serious than that. Meredith felt like she was sensing the earth tremors and spouting smoke and ash that presaged a volcanic eruption. If she kept this up, Cristina would get drunk on her ass – and, Mer should know – that was never pretty. Meredith glanced over at the guys at the dartboard wondering if she should signal for help, but Cristina beat her to it.

"Mer, that's it, I'm not a sissy Mama's boy and I _hate _weddings! 'Specially my own! I have to stop this now, before it goes any further!" and she was off, weaving through the people and tables with surprising dexterity.

Meredith leaped after her, trying to catch her, but narrowly avoiding a tray carrying waitress instead. By the time she made it to the darts board, Cristina was in full swing, with Burke cornered between the wall and the table. Sloan and Shepherd made interested spectators.

"... get married. I'm a surgeon, not a wedding planner," Cristina stated as clearly as she could, "Burke! I hate this! All of it!"

Cristina was truly trying to tell Burke how she felt, but Meredith could see Burke wasn't really listening to her. Instead he was glancing around, obviously checking to see who was privy to the scene and how he could get Cristina away with the minimum of fuss. Meredith felt the anxiety that had been percolating in her gut for the last twenty minutes start to bubble and boil on high. Her hands twisted nervously together of their own accord. Cristina was supposed to have the happy ending with her cardio God – like Mer was supposed to have a happy ending with Derek.

Cristina was desperate and Burke selfishly couldn't see it. He was an extremely controlling man who'd pushed until he'd over ridden every objection, need, and want Cristina had, maintaining that he knew what was right for both of them. She'd given in on virtually every point because she really did love him and womanlike wanted to please him. Cristina Yang, career woman extraordinaire, had twisted herself into a pretzel to please a man and now she'd reached the point of not being able to please either him or herself. Forget that, she didn't even _recognize_ herself any more. Meredith's anxiety mounted as she watched the increasing desperation on Cristina's face and heard her voice elevating.

"Burke, I can't go through with this. I'll live with you and we're together, but I just don't believe in marriage. It's meaningless scribbles on a paper after we spend insane amounts of money torturing our friends with ugly dresses, fake silk flowers and tasteless cake. I believe in us – you and me – not vows in front of an invisible supernatural being. Can't you see that?"

Meredith watched Burke's face harden as he repeated the one phrase he'd heard, "You can't go through with this? Cristina, we're getting married, not going through the Spanish Inquisition."

Meredith's nervous stomach revolted. It was all she could do to control it. She pressed both hands to her belly trying to still the butterflies. Funny how this kind of stuff affected her this way when she was as steady as a rock in surgery. Meredith didn't realize that her reaction was the result of the first four years of her life living in the verbal battle zone between Ellis and Thatcher. Then she went cold at the next exchange.

"You couldn't prove it by me!"

"Sooo ...," Burke drew the word out angrily, "Marrying me is a torture and means nothing to you."

"Burke, you're not hearing me ...," Cristina was talking to empty air space as Burke shoved past her, huffily leaving, "Burke! You want me to be someone I'm not!"

Cristina cast a stricken look at Mer and unsteadily followed him. When Meredith made to go with her, Cristina irritably waved her off. Meredith's stomach dropped through the floor and she wrapped her arms around herself. Her best friend's engagement had disintegrated right in front of her eyes. Instinctively, she looked for Derek, but warm arms were already surrounding her from behind as Derek hugged her and pressed his palms to her painful belly.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith," Derek murmured in her ear, "Come on, let's sit down."

He cuddled her to him and walked her back to her booth, sliding in next to her.

"Derek?" she asked in a small voice.

"Yeah, baby," he answered, tenderly stroking the hair from her face.

"What just happened? Cristina really loves Burke and I think he really loves her too," her voice was shaky, uncertain, "I thought they were going to make it. I _wanted_ them to make it. If they can't make it ..."

"What? What are you afraid of?" Derek asked her, turning in the bench seat until he more fully faced her.

"If Burke and Cristina ... if Burke and Cristina can't do this ..."

"Then Burke and Cristina can't do this. It's a good thing we're not them. Right, Meredith?" he raised her face up with a gentle hand under her chin, "It's a good thing we love each other and understand each other so well."

"Do we, Derek? Do we really?" Meredith's vulnerable green eyes searched his deep blue eyes.

"My pretty girl, do you think if you told me you hated big weddings that I'd try to make you go through one? I'd have you in front of the Justice of the Peace so fast your head would swim. It wouldn't be the wedding I cared about, it would be you. I love you."

Derek leaned over and kissed her until her hesitant mouth committed and clung to his. Her hands found him, one on his thigh and one on his chest, and touched to absorb his confidence. Her tension relaxed and her stomach settled.

"Burke couldn't even hear Yang when she said she was miserable. Believe me, Meredith, I notice when you're unhappy. They aren't us, thank God, and we aren't them. Okay?"

"Okay. I love you too, Derek," Meredith sighed, reassured, "but poor Cristina."

Derek kissed her again and then looked down, hesitating. When he looked back into Meredith's eyes a decision had firmed in his.

"Meredith ... now that the subject has been brought up ... I know this isn't the most romantic place or time, but it is where we met ... and we aren't them ... and we love each other ... and I don't want to wait to ask you anymore."

At first Meredith gazed at him bemused as he rambled. Derek didn't ramble or get confused. Then her heart leapt in her chest as it dawned on her where he was going.

_Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God._

"Meredith, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" Derek asked, praying that he wasn't being premature. He wanted this. He wanted it so much his tongue felt tied in knots and his brain felt fogged in.

Meredith's breath whooshed out as she stared at him. The noisy bar faded away until all she could see or hear was Derek, looking at her with all the love in the world in his eyes. Everything was different now. She wasn't alone. She hadn't been alone for a very long time. It was finally sinking in. She had a father and a brother, a mom and sisters and a good man. Derek loved her. He really loved her. Meredith felt her skin chill and her lips tingle in a shocky awareness of all the changes in her circumstances. She'd never really believed that she could actually be the one to have a happy ending. And now here it was. Numbness slipped sideways and happiness blossomed underneath. Pink warmth suffused her cheeks as hope filled her heart. Derek really was her prince in shining whatever.

"Meredith?" Derek asked, searching her expression.

"Are you sure, Derek? You really want to marry me?" Meredith asked, looking deeply into his dark blue eyes and clinging to his hand.

"Yes, with all my heart," Derek answered, his gloriously beautiful smile spreading over his face, "Didn't you know? You're the love of my life."

Meredith's return smile was soft and almost shy, "Derek, you're the love of my life too. Yes ... yes ... I'll marry you."

And then she gurgled in laughter and delight when he swooped her up in his arms hugging her tightly to his heart. She kissed his jawline and then lost her breath in the huge heart stopping kiss Derek gave her. Meredith felt transformed as happiness effervesced through her system. Derek reached into his pocket and pulled out a jewelers box.

"I bought this a really long time ago, Meredith, just hoping. We'll pick rings out together, but since you won't be able to wear them in surgery, I wanted to give you something that I picked out for you, that you could wear every day, even while operating."

Meredith slowly opened the box and gasped at the intensely green large emerald with dozens flawless smaller emeralds making double circles around it. It was a gorgeous pendant of the millennia old _Vesica Pisces_ symbol of sacred union.

"I wanted you to have emeralds to match your eyes and also because it's traditionally the healers' stone, but it's really too soft to wear every day in a wedding set. I thought this would be the best compromise," Derek was still rambling as he tried to decipher her expression.

Meredith's breath whooshed out of her. It was absolutely perfect. For a moment there she'd feared Derek would burden her with something like the ring set the Adder had tortured her with for five months. She couldn't bear that. But, as usual, Derek was her McDreamy.

"It's beautiful! I love it," Meredith said into his throat as she squeezed him tightly.

"You're beautiful. I love you," he replied and tenderly, happily, thankfully kissed his fiancé.


End file.
